The Mail Box

[chiquezee]

C-

 

I have counted the days... I am relieved that the detoxification is well on its way. There will be the usual withdrawal symptoms but I think I am medicated enough to go through that without too much drama. It isn't cold turkey but it might as well not be. After all, the ultimate test of authentic breakthrough is the triumph over the struggle.

 

Things are going very well, thank you.

 

- C

[iwalkalone]

i get your message...like i always say i understand

[chiquezee]

Dear M,

 

Several years ago, I tried getting in touch with you. When I found out that you were finishing your degree at UP, I didn't hesitate to go out of my way to reconnect. And I was happy that you returned my correspondence. I remember how silly my letter then was, coursed through my sister, explaining my childishness of long forgotten past. As expected, being the older, more sensible one, you kidded me that most certainly, I cannot be as childish now as we were when we used to play agawan-base under the full moon.

 

Those were the days, indeed. You were very influential in my life back then. The pony-tails, the walking shorts, big tees, archie comics (haha!), Nancy Drew, and the girl talk I never could relate to, you being a budding teen, and I, a tomboy who loved to play skip rope.

 

All these memories are passing by me at the moment, perhaps because I feel the need to get in touch with somebody who knew me really well. You did. You treated me like you would a sister, the one you never had. I wasn't as complicated then as I am now.

 

You were there when I started my career as an athlete. Influenced by your karate-dos and judo lessons... You instigated in me the need for self-protection. We'd wrestle on your parents bed to prove your point, in between munches of m&m's and chiz curls. I wish you were here to tell me about protecting myself now.

 

You were there when I didn't want to wear the Mickey Mouse shirt my mother wanted me to wear to Nitz' Christmas Party. Parents sometimes have an awful taste in clothes, but you told me I still looked pretty, even with a cartoon character stupidly grinning from my shirt. I didn't even like the color... maroon... yuck. You were trying to convince me to go, red eyes and red nose, and all, from too much crying over a choice of shirt, and that yeah, I looked cool enough.... I wish you were here now to tell me what to wear on monday....

 

I recall how after that single correspondence, I failed to find you again. It is very difficult to search for you. I tried, really did. Went back to our old place by the hills, only to learn that indeed, your parents transformed it into a commercial spot, bulldozing the fond memeories of our growing up years. I went to the next street where you transferred after everybody decided to sell the land. You had, again, relocated. I tried looking for you in the states the first time I was there, and again every time I returned. Futile attempts. I attempted to look for you when I went to Vigan. Even when I was at the Balwarte. I couldn't find you.

 

By now, you must have gotten married. You were always beautiful, I wouldn't be surprised if you got for yourself a worthy man. Of course, I will remain taller than you, no matter how much Nutroplex you gulped down then, under the prodding of your equally dainty mom.... I wish by the time I get married, if I do, you will be there, and your kids, if you have any...

 

From time to time I try to search for your name in the newspapers, especially when there is something about landscapes and architecture.... I have no doubt that by your sheer talent and brilliance, you have gone international already.You did tell me during that single correspondence that you will do my lawn for me. You know how I love gardens....

 

This is a confusing moment for me, dear M, and I don't even understand why. I know you will, when we sit down over our favorite rocky road ice cream... that is perhaps the reason you have been crossing my mind lately. The need to get in touch with myself brings about the desire to get in touch with my best friend.

 

I really wish I can, by some stroke of favor, find you. Then I will be able to just be the uncomplicated C, sans the hardened scales I don to protect me from what I have gone through in life. I can be vulnerable with you. I can let down my guard. I can be simple minded, more human, without compromising who I have grown to be now.

 

I hope to find you, soon.

 

Sincerely,

C

[iwalkalone]

anak ka ng...wala na kong nakita kundi ikaw ah...baka gusto mong magpahinga?! ganitong paltos na paa ko at naaning ako sayo...puk* ka...araguy...sakit ng paa ko...ahu hu hu! potah! letse letse ka! sorry...kailangan kong mailabas tong asar ko...ikaw yata napapag initan ko....e pano lagi kang nasa harapan ko....sabagay okey ka naman...galing mo mag english..potah...hirap nyong intindihin mga puk* ng ...elitista kayo!

 

 

huuu hirap talaga maging bobo sa mundo!ay para sayo

 

tang* kahit mabait ka di kita papatawarin...!!!! galit ako sayo galit ako kase nagsisinungaling ka! i hate you! ayoko na ayoko na sayo ayoko na maniwala sayo! malaya ka na ngaun..mag fr ka hanggat gus2 mo. ( mag re-re-act naman ako hanggat trip ko! ).magpasalamat ka na...free ka na...pero tang* ano na ko? s@%t kailangan kong mag isip!...eto pinaka-hate ko eh...

Edited December 16, 2006 by iwalkalone

[chipmaker]

oi!

 

hinanap ko room mo kanina. mukhang tinanggal na. hindi ka na kasi madalas dito eh. baka tulad ng nangyari sa akin, ang akala ng iba, hindi na tayo kasali.

 

anyway, natutuwa akong may magandang trabaho ka na ngayon. so proud of you, really. sana magtuloy-tuloy na yan. flattered naman ako napagbigyan mo ako kanina. ang galing... nawala yung sipon tsaka lagnat ko. tama ka, baka nga naipong sperm lang toh. :boo:

 

ingat ka po lagi. next week uli ha.

 

lolo chip

[iwalkalone]

Why?

 

Why, do you always do this to me?

Why, couldn’t you just see through me?

How come, you act like this

Like you just don’t care at all

 

Do you expect me to believe I was the only one to fall?

I could feel I could feel you near me, even though you’re far away

I could feel I could feel you baby, why

 

It’s not supposed to feel this way

I need you, I need you

More and more each day

It’s not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me, are you and me still together?

Tell me, do you think we could last forever?

Tell me, why

 

Hey, listen to what we’re not saying

Let’s play, a different game than what we’re playing

Try, to look at me and really see my heart

 

Do you expect me to believe I’m gonna let us fall apart?

I could feel I could feel you near me, even when you’re far away

I could feel I could feel you baby, why

 

It’s not supposed to feel this way

I need you, I need you

More and more each day

It’s not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me, are you and me still together?

Tell me, you think we could last forever?

Tell me, why

 

So go and think about whatever you need to think about

Go ahead and dream about whatever you need to dream about

And come back to me when you know just how you feel, you feel

I could feel I could feel you near me, even though you’re far away

I could feel I could feel you baby, why

 

It’s not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you

More and more each day

It’s not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me

 

It’s not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you

More and more each day

It’s not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me, are you and me still together?

Tell me, do you think we could last forever?

Tell me, why

[White Lace]

The heat is not typical of the season. The season finds me alone. I am lost. I find myself unhinged and once more losing my footing. I had tried to get away from the temptation. I attempted to deny myself the guilty pleasure of being yours in minutes that were not really ours to waste away. The heat of the season will remind me of the afternoons we stole. Your kiss still burns on my skin. You are the cursed fever that I've been trying to shake off all these years.

[iwalkalone]

I really do love you......i 'm not sure how you'll take this but.........i feel like........i ...like.....i just can't.....i...f#&k! YOU REALLY ARE MY DEMISE! :cry:

[Wyld]

 

You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht

Your hat strategically dipped below one eye

Your scarf it was apricot

You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte

And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner

They'd be your partner, and....

 

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you

You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you

Don't you? Don't you?

 

You had me several years ago when I was still quite naive

Well you said that we made such a pretty pair

and that you would never leave

 

But you gave away the things you loved and one of them was me

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee, clouds in my coffee and....

 

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you.....

 

Well I hear you went up to Saratoga and your horse naturally won

Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia to see the total eclipse of the sun

Well, you're where you should be all of the time

And when you're not you're with

Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend

Wife of a close friend, and....

 

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you.....

 

Sometimes listening to old songs like this classic helps put a lot of things in its proper, life affirming perspective.

 

I guess in the end, whats I have learned is ... its not always about you. Its not always about me.

 

That way the world will be a much more peaceful world to live in.

 

Be happy. Im getting there myself.

 

[chipmaker]

wag mo itutok sa kin yan.

 

hindi ako ang kalaban.

 

[iwalkalone]

It's ok baby....it' ok really...i always knew i wus never good enuf for you....and i understand....really.

[chipmaker]

ano ba!?

 

sasagot ka ba o hindi?!

[chiquezee]

Your insults can be biting, even if you didn't intend the words to come out that way, or to mean that way. I didn't find it funny, though I think you were having a bit of a moment there.....

[chiquezee]

You have barely scratched the surface, dearie. Barely.

It would take too much pressure to etch a line on the boulder. I do not know if your temperament allows for patience.

Word of advise, even gold melt under severe heat. And when they do liquify, it when they are in their purest form.

[chiquezee]

B -

 

How do I begin to explain to you what is confusing even to myself? Is my doubt a product of mistrust or a misconceived perception on my part? Do I doubt you? Or do I not trust myslef? Is the question a matter of accepting sincerity, or a matter of fearing vulnerability? Perhaps, even a matter of insecurities unsettled...

 

Like I said, one day, all those unspoken meanings between lines will be taken for more, or less, than what they were intended for. When that time comes, at least one between us will be utterly frustrated, or severly upset.

 

You may be sincere. How would I know? Maybe I never will... but that's where the risk comes in.

 

Lethal, you said, when even I have given myself the modesty to regard myself only dangerous. I take it as a compliment. But words, like you say, are but words. Loosely stated, they can flatter, or they can insult. They can mean so much, or bluff about meanings that which are not there. Is there even a significance in the regard of this person as lethal? Perhaps, more than you know.

 

Perception often plays a pivotal role in the success of a communication process, such as this one. In this situation, however, discernment is a more necessary skill. And common sense, a greater ally.

 

As my narrations were never really intended to form a clear picture, I concede, yours are as vague. I have to confess delight for having found a worthy adversary.

 

There are actually very little from those which you said that draws doubt. It is, rather, my ability to accept them that is in question.

 

For the meantime, the conundrum continues -- for both sides, I must remain, if I may. For I shall have conceded in some areas, but the rest will still have to be contended, as two worthy opponents slug it out to come out as both victors of the battle.

 

By the way, the EC story and the apology was never in question. I have seen traces of defeat, even those that are carefully hidden. I know one when I see one. Haha... I had you there didn't I? Second apology on the record....

 

As for the others, an opportunity will come when I shall list them down and we can call on all the masters to disect them, if need be. Not now... I am too sleepy to think...

 

The shredded pork, valley of lights, soft snuggles and the scent of intense exchange are still very vivid...Let me rest with a smile on my lips for these may not be again...

 

- C

[chiquezee]

B+,

 

I have been tossing and turning for hours.

It is futile to try to rest my head.

Sleep cannot catch up with my racing thoughts.

 

You want my masks removed. I have been trying, although maybe not enough for you. Let me attempt another shot, though do forgive me if in the process, I falter. It takes some getting used to, but I hope you will appreciate the effort, as I do yours.

 

To remove the layers and expose the flesh may be a weakness, or a strength. Right now, I don't care. All I know is I am doing this for you. You do not have to read between the lines for I have said it quite clearly. This is for you.

 

I am not always rational. I do not always have reasons for doing things. I may not always know at once why I act on impulses. But even though the complication forces its way out, as we have often seen, I will try to put this simply even if I do so without order...

 

You choose words carefully, and though you use a lot, you do not mince with them. Thus, I value every thing that comes out of your lips, from the simple "I will get used to it" to the complex "I cannot relate to you at times." In the same light, I do mean what I say, and cliche, yes, but I do say what I mean. Kilometers of words, notwithstanding. But you do know that...

 

The hug enveloped me with comfort.

The kiss burned with more than desire.

The tendreness of the moment sent warmth

Amidst the star-filled mountain sky.

 

I will not forget how you ordered me out of the car, and admitted something I never thought you will. That you waited for them to leave so you can hug me...... one of the sweetest thing. You never cease to impress me. You continue to surprise me.

 

And I replay over and over the crucial thing you asked, though merely secondary for you: "There is another view of that in Makati, or I can take you home." You did not see it for your head was close to my ears, but I couldnt help but smile... I smiled for a very long while and I didn't hesitate to say yes. I have no regrets.

 

As we lay in bed, my back against your chest, your arms wrapping me close and holding me tight, as if to not let go, I felt as if everything was right... and even as I heard the hum of your thoughts as we tried to sleep, I knew there was no doubt in your mind that all was well that moment.

 

I heard you say clearly that when I said we will not see each other again your feet got cold... that you cannot bear the thought. I felt like wanting to rush for cover, for I might be exposing myself to unnecessary harm. But I stayed put, in your arms. I decided to stay then. I am deciding to stay now. If only you will put as much weight in this decision than in the one that I said before it.

 

You said you only longed for understanding, haven't I been doing that? It crushes me that you think I am not able to digest your complexity. It crushes me even more when you try to simplify me by insinuating I cannot. Let me try again.

 

You said I was dangerous. Even that I was lethal. Too dangerous for you, yet you live with danger, danger is what you do... I cannot help if I am, but I am mighty thankful that you were trained to meet danger head on.

 

The morning, when I said I will be going out (to watch the news), you immediately held me tight and asked me to not go, for you thought I will be leaving already... Funny how such a situation which we both laughed at, can bring me near to tears, as your sincerity moved my heart to bits. Like you said, you only speak with honesty. I see it was wrong for me to doubt. You are right, as always, that I now do not have but words, but saw for myself the action. I felt more from both, combined.

 

Every time you'd get up from bed to check where I am and bring me back with you, my steps got lighter. I do want to keep going back. As I decided to do now... I have reverted to the status quo, if only you will, too.

 

I remember, and I will not let you forget, the "Speak to me again. Please" at 4am. You got me there. You have me until now. If only you will let yourself accept that. Never mind the law. I have exposed myslef too much, but do let me go on.

 

I loved resting my head on your lap as you gently caressed my head... No, I do not mind.... I loved restng my head on your chest, listening to the deafening heartbeat... yes, i listened to it intently, trying to hear what it could be saying. I will not know if I heard right until you tell me. I pray, do tell me.

 

You had three suggestions over pasta: first is to pretend everything did not happen; second is to go on with the way things are, recognize that everything was, but to take it lightly; and third was to stop talking completely... and you did say I may suggest too...... and this is mine: how about recognizing everything and moving ahead with it?

 

Yes we will grope, trying to find balance. I agree. It is better for me for us to grope than for you to completely walk away. For the third time, without shame, I ask again, Baby, please stay.

 

I'll accept the compromise. I'll accept the abstinence. I'll accept even the months of training and going back to their roots in the northern most part, heck, as long as they are returned safely...

 

The masks are almost completely gone.

I am exposed.

I am at my most vulnerable,

raw,

hurting,

fighting,

bleeding,

dying...

 

What else, sweetheart, do you want me to do?

 

The Pros.

The Cons.

Such business-like manner...

Let us try a different approach.

 

Maybe I need to prove something to you...

 

I shall fly if I have to

immediately after

squeeze it in my shcedule

if only to show beyond words

for the sword fight is all too common.

I will go all the way up

until the 21st

short of pouring all of golden sweat

and strike two stones together

to drive you out

and meet me

and see me

and look me in the eye

If I have to, yes, I will fly.

 

There.

As you wish.

Flesh.

Blood.

 

Now, will you? As I did when you asked.

For I just did what you have done.

Chipped them off, one by one.

 

Embrace me again.

Hold me again.

Dont let me go again.

Ask me again.

 

And yes, I said I'll wait. I will.

We wretches live in hope.

As you say.

And more than once, my hope pulled it through.

I will hope again, for you.

 

 

unmasked,

ME

 

 

 

 

:heart:

Edited December 20, 2006 by chiquezee

[dianne]

When I’m in misery you were there, easing me out from my agony, thus, making me feel good and alive. You’ve rescued me from damnation and iniquity. Now I’ve become drawn to you and though I know it’s not right I’m senseless enough not to have guilt feelings nor any regret, all I know is I’m happy as I’ve never been before. I don’t know how long wills this beautiful thing last and I don't want to know either cause I don’t know what will become of me when the time comes when they’ll take me away from you or when you go away. Let’s just make the most of what we have… EACH OTHER.

[iwalkalone]

you are so beautiful...the most desirable creature...

whenever i am with you...it's like i am in another time and space...

nothing else matters...the world ceases to exist...

just you and me...you in me...it's never been this....beautiful....

thank you.

[CodenameV]

What a bad day! You call that a birthday gift? I wouldn't even wish what you did to me on my worse enemy and here you are doing it to someone who has been on your side all the time. Well, that was a waste of effort. Sometimes, i wonder why i even try.

[iwalkalone]

wag ka maiinis sa kin ha?

I'm juz tellin u exactly wat is on my mind...xactly wat i feel...at dis point in time.u see i've been so used to life's unpleasant surprises...i thought it was high time to let feelings be known while it's there...while it's true....for god knows where the wind wud blow later....

everything fades....beautiful things like all else never last forever...it's good to capture beautiful moments..( kaya nga may vid cams...cameras...recorders etc ).it's good to have memoirs of all that is beautiful...lalo na sa mga kagaya ko na may memory gap.at may personality dissociation ......kailangan talaga yun eh..... btw ala na kong load....dapat itetxt ko to sayo eh....

Edited December 21, 2006 by iwalkalone

[spongebobby]

thank you dale carnegie. i never really realized how much your book has shaped my life.

 

thanks dad for asking me to read it some 15 years ago. i miss you.

[Viola]

Sad. Sad things are coming to an end. I love you and you love me. But we can't be happy together. Not with all your complications.

 

All i wanted was a little balance. Just that and nothing else. I guess it was too much to ask.

 

Sorry things had to end. I'm sorry I had to end it. One of us should. You can't continue pretending that everything is fine between us.

[chipmaker]

HOY!

 

Wag nga kayong mag-away!

 

Paskong-pasko eh sisirain nyo yung mood ng mga tao... :thumbsdownsmiley:

[iwalkalone]

JEEZUZ...I NEVER REALIZED HOW STUPID THAT WAS! WHAT A MOVE...NOW I'M JOBLESS CAUSE OF YOU! AND YOU'RE NOWHERE TO BE FOUND! ...I GUESS I NEVER REALLY LEARNED...YOU WERE ONE HELL OF A NIGHTMARE!...AND YES! i DO HATE YOUR f#&king GUTS! I HOPE YOU FIND HAPPINESS WITH ALL YOUR (UGLY( LOVERS)

DON'T YOU EVER EVER TRY TO GET INTOUCH! MUMURAHIN KITA MULA ULO HANGGANG PAA!...OR...MAYBE HINDI NA LANG KITA SASAGUTIN...BTW....DINELETE NA KITA SA PB KO....BASTARD! assh*le! CHEAPTRICK! DICK! DICKHEAD! WUTEVER!

[chiquezee]

Dear M,

 

He drains me. He actually does. If only I could be less of myself and be not obsessive-compulsive about some matters then I can just pick up my belongings and walk away. But no, this crazy chiq just can't leave a stone unturned. My desire to prove something all the time will k*ll me, it will. I'm sure. This will be my downfall.

 

Well, I can actually do it if I wanted to. I just don't think I want to at this point. I'm itching to splice the flesh and whack the bone.

 

All I really wanted, M, was to be happy in this area. For someone who cannot be impressed and pleased, the bastard just overwhelmed me, and I thought like it was a leprechaun's clover hanging over my head. I had to grab it...

 

In a week's time, I'll be putting up one of the greatest performance in my life. Let's just see if I stick to the script. The seven days from tonight until then, I shall be preparing, like an actress for her debut. At least, this will not be a debut, I have done this several times over and always got a standing ovation. Applause, applause... curtains down. Encore!

 

Yes, in a week, I will give my final bow. Then I will be able to say I didn't run away from this one.

 

 

 

- C