The Mail Box

[n0rb]

Say Goodbye

 

Yeah. I get the picture now.

 

I admit that I was very upset these past few days. I actually don’t know why. On one hand, this is what I’ve always wanted, on the other hand, I think you’re making a very big mistake. I haven’t been talking to you lately, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t know what’s going on. Learning from your past mistakes? Sure. You tell yourself that. If making up for a big mistake means making an even bigger mistake is your cup of tea, then that’s your thing.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I want you to be happy as well, but look at that piece of s@%t? He has warning signs written all over his f*cking face. He’s butt ugly, old, has bigger issues than I did, and so much more (do you want me to go on?). But hey, that’s just really typical for washed out scums like him who has to prey on naïve little girls like you just to feel like somebody again. And you, on the other hand, is too stupid to fall for that.

 

I’m probably am in no position to tell you all this. But take it from one assh*le who admits that he’s been so wrong before: he is not worth your s@%t.

 

You really do know where to kick me where it hurts the most. Right smack at my balls. The problem with you is that you assume that I don’t care. Well, I’m not gonna try to explain that further. But if I didn’t care so much, then why would I still be writing this?

 

Aside from that, I still do have a lot of reservations towards you already. Maybe I was just too blind to see a lot of things about you being so close, but now that I’ve taken a few steps backwards (or few steps away), it’s clearer to me now that you haven’t been the girl that you claimed you were. On another note, I still blame you for everything that Claudia supposedly did. One way or another, I still think that you had a lot, or something to do with all that.

 

So this is why we can’t be friends anymore. Whatever happened before, quits na tayo. I’m cutting all the things which reminds me of us. I just recently fixed the gym, so that’s done with. I got your xmas card scheduled for 2008 pa and the letters and whatevers inside. I felt like there’s really no need to read what’s inside anymore so I just made myself a small moving-on ritual and burned them together with some other things. I felt like I was burning parts of my past but it’s the parts that I wanna, I need to forget, anyway.

 

Just thought I’d let you know what’s up, and this is me, saying goodbye for good. Have a happy life. Take care of yourself.

[silent_killer]

i was never fair to you. Im sorry for everything.

 

I know you still want to keep "us" but if i keep hurting you the way i did, its better that i stay away from you. You may shed tears for me now, i know it's hard to let go. But if i give in again, i know that time will come and we would both hurt. Please..its for our sake that I do this. :cry:

Edited November 19, 2007 by silent_killer

[dixiechiq]

it's ok... i get it too... i'm so happy that we did this. and if at soem point you do believe i'm making an even bigger mistake by doing these? then fine... i'm so used to being hurt and thrown around anyways. haaay. im tired of you and all this drama. you can dwell on this while i can go on an be happy.

[naked_angel]

so suddenly i'm indispensible and you can't let go of me?

funny.

 

i actually heard paranoia in your voice. and to think you called twice from the airport. (which you never do)

 

it wasn't out of concern, that i'm sure.

 

there was fear in your voice that since you're going away, he's going away.

 

i might leave you all too.

 

ohhh . it felt so good. that you were almost on your knees begging.

 

mean but i deserve it and you deserve to suffer a bit.

 

to harmonious office relationship, chief!

[Sinanju]

Our time together has always been very very rough. Sometimes, i thought I'd give up but I did promise you no matter what we'll always be together. And it sticks like hell in the pit of my stomach. Dunno why but extreme temptations come when we're having bad days together and its getting so damn difficult to hold it at bay. I am but human.. and a man at that. Controlling your physical need sometimes take herculean courage and most women don't realize that its a very rare thing for a guy to refuse sexual offers when its coming at you esp from very hot chics.. Oh man.... Well, I at least know I wouldn't cheat on you though my body sings a different tune. Wish I could just hear you say "I appreciate what you're doing for our relationship". Is that too much to ask? But then, I'm thinking do I deserve you. Wish I could feel happiness again... I know I can't find it in anybody else... I can still remember... with a soft sigh while you were holding me... I knew then you were not touching my hands but my soul...

[KristinLavransdatr]

This letter will never be delivered to you if I were the one to do it, nor would it ever reach you if I were the one to e-mail it. Thus, I resort to coming back here if by chance you still go this way.

 

I received the prayer you sent for my birthday. Thank you. It is one gesture I cannot ignore no matter how strong-headed and cold-hearted I care to be.

 

I got the chance to know your "McDreamy" a bit. I realized you were both correct and incorrect about him.

 

Be that as it may, I'm not ready to talk to you yet. I'm sorry.

 

Decide what's best for you, but be easy on your decision making.

 

KL

[angel_by_day]

Sis,

 

hay...

nalungkot naman ako sa desisyon mo.

and to think i really don't know you, and haven't known you that well...

just a question: was it really that bad?....to merit such a drastic (or maybe well-thought-of) decision??

 

I just pray (and take note: angels' prayers are effective ) that things will turn out for the better...whatever that means.

 

do take care.

 

ciao. for now :hypocritesmiley:

 

abd

[poppinfresh2k5]

i really feel lost. im not myself anymore. what have you done to me? whyd you do this to me? did i even merit such? well i do hope youre happy. its my 2nd christmas alone. and im supposed to have a wife. just lovely.

[dixiechiq]

dear you

 

yeah you know who you are.. gawdemmet will u just please try to stop being such an assh*le? i see the way you look at me. the way you hold me, you want it... i want it damn it... why didn't we just meet earlier? why?... now we're stuck at this friends phase... because that's where i choose to put you.

 

and you, yes, the other you, would you stop going through my posts here at mtc? u use my handle to log in and see where i last posted or lurk around the rooms of others. u have ur own handle. use it. god... i trust u well enough to leave my emails and accounts alone. jeez.

 

and lastly, you, the last you, if ur out there, would you please please hurry back to me? im so hurt... i really need you right now?

[iwalkalone]

Oh....i dunnol wut to say..i guess *sniff i'm sorry

things happen ya know..i dun hav to explain...thing just happen..they just fukin do..for no fukin reason

..howell...i hope you fukin understand..nooo! i didn't use you man! jesus christ! you had nothing to offer!

i loved you man..i really did..you were my bestfriend..for a time..atleast i thought so...

anyways..just...y'know don't think abt it too much *sniff life sucks..that's it ..we don't have to understand..or explain...that's just how it goes then we die.

iwa

Edited November 21, 2007 by iwalkalone

[Leira]

MKM

 

i don't know what's between us...

i don't even know where this will lead us...

i don't want another roller coaster ride...

i get so overwhelmed...

pretty obvious you feel the same...

are we both afraid to say things

are we both afraid to try??

i dunno...

i don't wana answer....

i don't want my heart to rule over me again...

i'll just wait...

if we'll both be brought there so be it.....

 

siopao

 

i hate it when you call me M _ _ _ _

you asked how i want you to call me..

hmmmmm lemme think

what does your heart say??

call me that even just for once....

I'd be glad to hear it from you....

 

siopao

Edited November 21, 2007 by Wyld

[LostCommand]

Dante L,

 

In your analysis and calculations, you again forget that we in the Philippines are no longer isolated islands. Please consider in your analysis the guiding questions listed below.

 

Globalisation holds its shadow over us, and today our native borders are completely naked and defenseless. This new and still unfamiliar factor is shortly set to collide into the various power deadlocks prevailing in today's native society, for good or for bad or for both. For globalisation brings a huge river of foreign coin not answerable to any native parties, yet coveted by all the native economy. And greed for this river of gold shall trump all those many pretenders to the thrones. But I do not try to classify nor to apologise for such power and influence. I only say that there shall be such power and such influence, if not already. Therefore all further developments must be reported and then watched objectively and carefully.

 

Who shall watch the watchers?

 

The political power of this foreign coin emanates ironically from its capability for complete dispassion, coldness, and total insensitivity to mere political concerns. They can turn any suitors away, especially lower-born lower-educated PMA general types, or pot-bellied political lawyer types who have not seen this world but merely their own insignificant country. To add even more power to their aloofness, we have to remember that thanks to today's modern technology, all this immense pile of capital can, on one single day, simply elect to leave the country for any number of other more suitable, more just, and more lawful climes. How do you think the '97 Asian crisis precipitated? And then who do you think will suffer and starve and again be overtaken by decades, by even such as Laos and Vietnam? And who do you think could not care less? And after some years and some temporary victories by cheap politicos, who then do you think will ultimately wag whose tail? For political power belongs to those who can most readily walk away.

 

Who shall general the generals?

 

You can sense such independence of capital power even in the lofty bastions of the Wall Street, mightiest money engine in the world. The Chairman of the Board of Governors of the US Federal Reserve (Central) Bank is accorded more security than the US Vice President. For he is the true no.2. His job is to run the US Central banking system, and through that, influence the US economy, a level of influence not even the US presidents are granted. The Great Depression proved that fatal governmental economic incompetence exists even in 1st world countries, and therefore starting that time, the US Federal Reserve Bank Chairman was never again selected by the people, nor overseen by Congress, and can not be fired by even the US President himself. His funds and monies come direct from Congress-exempted levies on all 7,500 major and minor private and public national and international US banks - he does not even pass through any sort of Congress approval for his warchests and budgets. Completely unelected, completely feared, he tops the entire US economic pyramid; the ultimate professional's professional, selected from within.

 

Who shall bank with these bankers?

 

You can already feel the power of globalisation. Can any one native pinoy today influence the economic exchange rate? Not even ten noisy Aboitiz families can nudge the rate by one devalued peso, nor could all Congress had they tried, nor even the President under martial law. For we cannot fool today's modern interconnected economy anymore than we can block the modern internet. But try for size the influence of 7 million OFWs silently exchanging their billions of dollars every month. Or just the influence of one foreign-trained professional finance executive of some foreign-owned MNCs quietly buying 30 million dollars (for import purchases) every 12 calendar days at the Makati stock exchange, such totally unelected, unregulated, single-signature purchasing power that he exercises so very routinely, without even the pretense of birthright. And right there you can already feel the main characteristics of this emerging power - foreign-based, locally immune, trusting only the similarly trained as their colleagues and confidantes, and just standing by to consume these present caciques - whose modus operandi are still so 70's.

 

Who shall eat with these cannibals?

 

You must not limit your analysis of the prevailing deadlocks nor your battle plans to only the present powers that be. You must also analyse the composition of tomorrow's forces, and the winning of tomorrow's wars. You now have this note. So do not allow me that chance to tell you, decades down the road, I told you so.

 

LC

 

PS - and you could remove from your analysis any UP-sounding revolutionary crap that even RAM is mouthing these days. Strategies that worked in the 70's stay in the 70's. Instead, it is their guiding soul that lives on. But don't take my word for this unsolicited advice - you can search both my names.

 

Remember that capturing the spirit matters far more than finding the words. We only pay writers so cheaply to do that.

[Guest Yavanna]

Who am I to you?

 

What am I to you?

[LostCommand]

(1/3)

 

Tatang Tinio,

 

In my ears I hear again the grind and clash of heavy gears from under floor, the chest reverberating thunder of pounding truck pistons from up close, the pitched-blade, military-grade KKK turbo wailing hair-raising clean through the muffling mountain fog, the strange smell of fragrant fresh-lit cigarettes mixed with cold day-old bread, you and me taking turns at the big-rig's wheel, boss and assistant equally, a hundred kilometers blasting heedless by.

 

The wind and dreams told me that not all is well, 'tang Tinio. The email merely confirmed thus. The years flew, and so fast.

 

Near two decades ago, you were present at my creation, when the primary metal was first extracted from its ore, heated furnace red and then intensely forged, hammered upon in the rebel devil anvils of those deep northern mountains. Never having parents, and last of its kind, the forging process was especially solitary and relentless. Summer after summer, year after year, the cracks in the raw metal were beaten closed and the knots hammered flush, and all over was that distinctive hollow creaking sound of fresh-made metal undergoing initial pounding. And the metal blade did not crumble under forging of the smiths, but only got ever denser, straighter, and harder, satisfying the expectations of distant and imperious grandparents regarding just whose blood also ran in my veins, though the name be different.

 

You were present during those first forgings, when green-orange sparks flew and middle-aged workers would not follow the tall skinny nearsighted, underconfident, overeducated teenager delivered to them, and then suddenly there was nobody but myself and a huge business boycotted shut, and 700 dusty kilometers to the nearest relation, and during those pre-cellphone days at that. No mama, no papa, no Uncle Sam, only me with the cannon ball, and then sinking deep inside of me to recreate myself anew alone afresh. Even today I carry the traces of those initial forgings of those long-ago simmering 80's summers, when shadow first took shape.

 

Today, any heating but only chills deeper the metal of the inner soul. Today, any fire merely quenches further a heart long taught to be equal cold to all.

 

You were also there, 'tang Tinio, a few summers later, when the government was there too and sought to control the only landlord the rebels would never touch. Where they could have tried persuasion upon the tall muscled sunglass-wearing overconfident teenaged english-speaking, and unarmed, provincial landlord-in-residence, instead those mean-born tagalog chattering government boys attempted confiscation. We could not k*ll them that time, and so we just strangled then clubbed the unarmed follow-up government aid workers instead. Then we distributed the goods in the rebels' name to deflect the blame. How it felt to throttle left-handed those young aid idiots for their mistake of choosing wrong company. Thank goodness none of them were from UP. And how I realised that very moment that the government cannot be armed and everywhere at once, but keeps on trying to, and therein lies one of their most exploitable of weak points - their inability to delegate. 'Twas as if Heaven itself that justly provided that fatal flaw. And so hot yellow red sparks flew that last teenaged summer and in the following summers after; and all the remaining metal creakings were swiftly pounded away, until at last one day those swinging hammers rang out with that distinctive dense-crystal ring of finished forgings.

 

For you were there too, 'tang Tinio when old Felix made known his wish, 6 decades ago. And so the next ones shall also face their forgings alone, deep within those pristine blue unrotted northern mountains, during his most formative of years. Only if he survives that forging, does it mean that fate indeeds favours him. If his spirit instead crumbles, then he is relegated some secondary role.

 

Later on, the mind too was further honed and at the best possible schools and the best multinational corporations at Manila, ground sharp against the quickest and most cunning of brains obtainable in this country. (And there was another present in those equally fiery mental forgings, whose name I do not mention now but whom you know and also served so well) Yet, the guiding spirit deep within was already created and completed in the high cold north. And you were always there, 'tang Tinio. You have served my family long, in your humble station as devoted aide and senior attendant at our various forges. And in serving us, you have served also the people, and far more than those ilk who are paid blood money to do so, yet serve the government's interests instead. Wherever I may swing this blade today, know that long inches of the cutting edge that would slice the foe was of your personal imprimatur. Serve the people. Slay the government. Death to our enemies.

 

But, the wind and dreams told me that not all is well, 'tang Tinio. Now you are old and ill. And not likely to recover.

 

And I cannot help you. Time and distance were, as ever, my bitter foes.

 

So this Christmas, let me personally press into your callused palm 15,000 cash, in those crisp old-fashioned purple bills, just you and me in my old dusty main house, no others near. True, in my recent heydays that amount was a mere day's pay, but you know where I am now and in what condition. True, that amount is as nothing against my future worth, but we are talking about what I can do today and here and now, and not of tomorrows nor yesterdays; what are those two but mere abstract concepts where one always finds himself moving either too late or else too little? True, this amount is mere token beside your services, but I would have you know that I still hold myself pledged to your people and to all the others. I am not released. And death upon our enemies.

 

And, as ever in those truck driving days of old, I know you always mean to ask me next: So where are we going from here, boss sir?

 

And time runs short for you, and I owe you some reply. So let me do that now.

 

(2/3)

 

Let me write you a note, in my hand, from my own pen, of what is to happen next, 'tang Tinio. You will keep it safe, only for your eyes, for they will not be open that much longer.

 

In 3 years, our farming town will see the rise of the machinery capitalists, mostly chinese, who will charge a hefty fee to those who will rent their tractors and equipment, smuggled tax-free via the notorious northern smuggling ports. But it will be worth it, and we will all harvest more. Beats using carabaos. Then in 5 years we will see the rise of the incorporated landlords, most likely tisoy, who will completely violate land reform and buy land at cheap prices and agglomerate them into larger more efficient farms. The starving farmers owning miserable plots will be transformed into better paid workers under professional corporations owning all the plots. Beats becoming rebels in the hills. My role is not necessarily to be one of these capital characters but to simply hold open that threat of (my) competitive market entry, thus ensuring fairness if they should ever think of setting the fees too highly or wages too lowly. And making sure the government and its silly scraps of paper do not interfere.

 

That mere directed threat, and freedom from interference, will be enough to run the show and well, 'tang Tinio. Let that invisible hand flourish in our town. For meanwhile there will be other things for me to finish.

 

No more aid. No more money. No more mercy. No more alms. No more forced redistribution. These never ever worked, except for the press releases, and these only rotted their recipients in the end.

 

No fish. But fishing rods. No interference. But death, death upon our enemies.

 

And what of the country? Ah, well, I have not changed my mind all these years, 'tang Tinio. Call it my obvious lack of humility, but even for the good of the very many, there are some (a few) jealously guided principles I will not trade. There is for example such a thing as honour, and I will not sacrifice that even for this whole country's sake and betterment, p*tang inang bayang kong pilipinas yan. I spit on those who think otherwise, common sluts that they are, give them their first shot at service and glory, and then see them spread their legs so very wide. Look around, and understand that where we are stuck today is at least equally due to the complicity of those cheap-forged sluts, so tainted by the company of their pimps, of such low breeding as would also go through their hosts' unlocked belongings, abusing even such warm welcome. To be rid of such liabilities quickly, once their compromised breeding shows clearly!

 

Duty, honour, country - ever notice what was put last and least? How I wish for more of those older blooded: pride and principles first and over all.

 

And what of the government? I will await until they call for my services, and even then I will refuse them twice at least. If they still insist, so short of credibility and money making ability as they are, then I will accept and on my terms alone, and that will include slaughter and further betrayal - compromises that shall be more on them and less on me. For I am prepared to hunker down in the increasingly untouchable local and international private sectors for decades more if need be, increasing in rank, until these fatty oily lawyer-beggars and their silly pieces of paper come to terms with me. But if I am really lucky, my friends will already be there ahead and would fix (destroy) things such that no call for help need come, and then I can stay here in the blue hills, 'tang Tinio, like the pre-government days of old, of Oplan Blue Heaven.

 

Who knows, truly? We mortals can only prepare, meanwhile forging ourselves, and others too. Ever denser, ever harder. And visit death upon our enemies.

 

(3/3)

 

'Tang Tinio, I know you only have these my words, that you will not live to see these acts still to come, I know.

 

But know this too. I am today a senior engineer partly because many yesterdays ago, near two decades past, I saw you take apart a lube-starved and ring-damaged ISZ 6BB1-T truck engine by some remote soldier-infested roadside then cooly perform an emergency repair, right in front of my wide open eyes, the crump-crump of gunshots in the distance. All that long sweaty afternoon I handed you the tools and you put together those hundreds of shiny alloy parts, without a manual, without even finishing grade 6, to re-make the engine good as new, and so take us home safely, the truck turbo whistling hair-raising through the late afternoon fog, a hundred risky wild-charging kilometers left to go before sunset and ruin.

 

It was from then on just a simple matter of time when I myself would go on to take apart not just machines, but whole hectares of plants and million-ton factories, and then put them back together good as (or better) than new, as I do today, in front of so many expert eyes, and with such indiscriminately massive fatal explosions awaiting any wrong moves. And like you, I also do all this today on my own, and without anyone else's manuals or mantle or name or resources to lean upon.

 

And therefore, if many yesterdays ago I also ran but hardscrable barrios and basic agribusinesses, then similarly, you can be reassured that by now, today, my reach in other fields has also grown to far bigger things. Those many other matters to come, of the town, of the country, of the government? These matters are all equivalently but a simple matter of time for me.

 

Tatang Tinio, I may not see you again in this world after this Christmas visit. But a long long time ago we faced the unknown, unarmed. And unafraid. I pray that our coming parting will be just as brave.

 

And, as ever, death upon all enemies.

 

LC

Edited November 21, 2007 by LostCommand

[chipmaker]

i told you so.

 

[Leira]

oh well *deep sigh* here it goes again

[Missionary]

Its been a few weeks, I miss you.

I'm sorry I didn't call,

I'm sorry I didn't even ask how you were.

I'm sorry of being so silent.

I'm afraid of making another step to the inevitable

I would rather walk away because

I know its not going to end well.

Might as well never start well.

Ive seen you be you,

and you seem so happy, so content.

I, too feel that way too - free and happy

Let's just keep it that way for now

who knows someday....we'll know

if were fine like this, or if there's more to us

then we'll know the right thing to do.

[Leira]

thank you for sparing some time with me again...

you don't know how big the smile you left on my face...

sleep well darling dear...

tomorrow when you wake up i will still be here...

watching over you, keeping away your fear...

 

i miss you already

[chipmaker]

now this is something that i RARELY do... pero dahil love na love kita... sige na nga... kanta ko para sa yo.

 

"On ne sait jamais,

Ce qui va venir,

Moi je n'ai vraiment,

plus rien à te dire.

 

Ton rire m'agace,

ton visage m'énerve,

ce que tu es lâche,

tu n'as pas de verve"

 

if you want to hear the melody, pm me.

[chipmaker]

bebs,

 

What if we fall in love, what if we can't get out

What if we're in too deep, guess we both got doubts

What if it doesn't last, what if the road gets rough

Only fools ask what if we fall in love

 

 

haay...

[Leira]

J,

 

am moving on....

be happy for me...

i know you have long waited for this...

for me to have that crazy feeling again..

i am better now... don't worry about me

i'm not asking for affirmation

i just wanted you to know..

thanks for teaching me life's hardest lessons on love..

i got hurt but time has helped to heal me...

the scars will alway be there but

like a warrior that has been bruised and has survived

i will continue with my fight...

i wish for you the same...

 

B

Edited November 23, 2007 by Leira

[Barenaked-NoMre]

Belated ...

 

Was going to text you ... but knowing you, you wouldnt reply.

 

Still, wish you all the best.

 

Your EX-friend,

 

A

[chipmaker]

sorry to burst your bubble but it was all just a booty call.

 

http://images.wikia.com/openserving/sports/images/3/3e/David_Wells_Shrug.jpg

 

[Leira]

i guess i was wrong...

i guess you didn't feel the same way that i do after all...

[chipmaker]

I was thinking of you as I was sipping my first drink of the night. Let's say it was like a toast in your honor.

 

Four hours and seven drinks later, I couldn't even remember what was it I was toasting to you about.

 

Apparently it was just as well better forgotten.