The Mail Box

[batibut]

I didn't know, just didn't realize. It hit me like a ton of bricks and was left breathless.

 

I didn't mean to...

 

Could you really blame me? You're one of the nicest people I know. You tell me everything, well, almost every thing. You didn't know it would happen, maybe you should have known. I should have known. It was inevitable.

 

For now, just let me be. I just need to deal with this. Perhaps, someday I can look at you again and feel only fondness. Hear your voice on the phone without my heart skipping a beat. It will happen. I will regain my equilibrium and we will go back to the way we were.

Edited March 14, 2005 by batibut

[macx98]

share ko lang, almost a year ago...

 

April 17, 2004

 

Around one o’ clock in the afternoon...

 

Dear diary,

 

I’m totally confused right now. It’s been more than eight hours(???) since I last sent my text to Apple and I have been waiting for her reply since then.

 

Hindi ko alam kung anong ibig sabihin ng silence niya—is this goodbye, I feel the same way, or whatever.. I really don’t know. I couldn’t sleep—and every waking hour I spent in bed alone feels like a piece of my heart is slowly been torn away (while I’m still attatched to it).

 

Did she just fell asleep or did she choose to ignore responding to my message? Either way this seems to be the longest wait of my life. There I was clutching my cellphone in one hand, anticipating the sweet reciept of Apple’s text message while dreading the worst thing that could result from that reply.

 

My dilemma of sorts started a few hours just after the clock struck midnight earlier today, and I was chatting with my friend Apple through my cell. Normal kwentuhan lang naman between friends. I get to ask about her day and she ask me how was mine. I really consider her a close friend whom I am able to trust with my thoughts and feelings.

 

Apple and I don’t really do kind of thing regularly, most of the time we’re both busy kasi. She’s graduating this year and I’m a part-time employee, full-time student in my own school.

 

We even haven’t seen each other in a long, long while. Pero sobrang okay kami kung mag-usap, parehong open. We always had this connection between us, which I don’t really know how to explain in the first place.

 

I don’t know if this bond of familiarity between us is any way the reason why Apple decided to make a wise-aleck remark about my personality. Hindi naman ako naasar during that time, but I felt her comment was a little below the belt.

 

I told her about this, and she was a little confused about my reaction, but was apologetic.

 

Me: Why does it always hurt when stuff like that comes from people that u care about?

 

Apple: ...Me? You care about me?

 

Of course I care about you! My fingers totally tapped like crazy as I texted away my reply. Oh man! There’s so much I needed to say to her, so much to explain... but like to fool and coward I was, I didn’t. Buzz. There came Apple’s answer, to which I read:

 

Apple: ...I said I’m really sorry, wrong choice of words nga, eh. If you really know how much you mean to me. If you only knew how much I was never the same person the first time I met you...

 

I suddenly felt cold and unsure. Apple’s last message seems unable to register in my brain.

 

Here I lounging around in a sofa in the middle of the night, reading a message from my girl bestfriend who seemed to have spilled the beans on her true feelings for me.

 

I remember the silence of night creeping on me while I wait for someone to offer an idea what my reply should be. I’m no expert at this kind of things. I’ve always wonder why it’s so easy to dispense advise to other people, when it’s so hard to come up with advise that can help my own troubles.

 

My watch read quarter past 1 in the morning around that time, and I was totally alone—except for Apple, who’s probably waiting for my reaction to her sudden revelation.

 

I was unsure of how minutes has passed since I started staring at my phone’s display. I knew I had to give out a reply right away, or she might wrongly consider my silence as me insensitive to the feelings she had revealed. Worst, she might regard it as silent rejection of a very sincere, well-kept emotion.

 

So I totally have no choice but to resort to honesty, and tell her what I feel, too.

 

Me: I feel the same way too about you, Apple. You had me at hello.

 

I couldn’t find the right words to express my feelings at that time. I wanted to tell her how she had a place in my heart since the first time we met. I wanted to tell her that the passing months we spent chatting online, talking and reading e-mails has brought her closer to my heart. I also wanted to tell her how unsure I was of myself, and how I can’t seem to recover from the the pains of previous failed relationships that I tend to naturally shy away from starting a new one.

 

But all my cellphone’s text could allow is 150 characters, and my load’s a lot less than that same number in pesos. (Honestly, I would have run to the nearest round the clock convenience store just to exend my text/minutes... )

 

Thank God for Jerry Maguire for that one line.

 

It’s about 3 o’ clock in the afternoon right now. Yup, that long... I know I could choose to call her, or even send her a message again. But what should I tell her? Would she even accept the call? I’m afraid to confess that I’m more fearful about confronting the ugly truth of another rejection than the welcome relief of finally knowing how she took my last message positively.

 

And to think it has been an uneventful morning so far until up to this time.

 

I’ve spent the whole day playing in my head the exchange of text messages that happened during the wee hours of Saturday morning. It didn’t help I’ve got my phone in my hand and I can’t stop reading her last messages in my inbox. The lines “If you really know how much you mean to me...” and “I was never the same person the first time I met you...” kept playing over... and over... and over in my head.

 

How long does a guy have to wait to know a girl acknowledges his feeling of affection for her?

 

But all I could do is wonder and wait with great anxiety over her next reply.

 

~End of Entry April 2004~

 

(Signed) macx98

Thank you for the wonderful year you have given me my love.

Edited March 13, 2005 by macx98

[Wyld]

 

Loss...

 

for Benjamin

 

How can I explain how I feel right now? I feel as if a part of me has been wrenched out, leaving me alone and bereft.

 

I had you... all this time. You were always with me, everywhere I went. You were the first person I spoke to as I woke up, the last person I whispered good night to as I drifted off to dreamland. I had so much I wanted to tell you, so much I wanted to show you. I wanted to see you, watch you, feel you, love you.

 

Then, quite unexpectedly, I had you. In my arms, before my very eyes. I felt you. I was overwhelmed.

 

But just as quickly, you were taken away from me.

 

I know you are better off now where you are... I just wish we had more time together.

 

You know I will always love you. You will always keep me company, in my heart, where it matters.

 

Thank you for choosing me, for blessing my life with your presence, albeit for a moment.

 

I love you Benjamin.

[moonflower]

happy birthday, my dear.

[roxysnonie]

 

sigh...have i got some words to say.

 

later...

 

[wjc-934]

Masama ang loob ko dahil Eliminated na ang basketball team naming sa paliga dito sa Tanawan, Bustos Bulacan. Maniniwala ka ba ba kami ang defending champion sa liga na iyon? Maganda rin ang ipinakitang laro ng mga players naming pero hindi sapat para matalo ang buong Joined team ng San Sebastian College Recoletos at PCU Dolphins.

 

Tama ka, “San Sebastian College at Philippine Christian University” nga ang nakalaban namin. Nakakaasar mang isipin ay unstoppable si Christopher Baluyot at ang iba pa nyang ka team mate. Pang PBL at NCAA ang level ng mga laro nila. Ang bibilis nilang kumilos kumpara sa mga nakakalaban namin. Nadagdagan pa ang kalbaryo naming ng mapilayan ang isa sa mga palayers na inaasahan ng team naming, tama ngang nandyan c rodel mallari na player ng Hapee toothpaste sa PBL, Mark Chris Bautista ng St. Jude College, Leo Fransisco ng Chowking at Sherbert Pulongbarit ng Baliuag Water District pero hindi parin sapat laban sa mga taga baste.

 

Masama ang loob ko ‘di dahil sa natalo kami kundi dahil sa kawalan ng tiwala sa sarili ng taong inaasahan kong mamumuno sa team. Sya na lang ang inaasahan kong mag po-point guard pero ‘di pa nya nagampanang mabuti. Sa aking palagay ay kinabahan sya, dinaga ang dibdib or kinulang sa vitamins! Palagi syang naka angal sa mga sinasabi sa kanya! Mag pre-pressure defense sana kami para naman lumakas ang defense naming kaso ayaw nya dahil ‘di raw kaya! Punyeta! ‘di pa nga nasusubukan tapos sasabihin na nya agad na hindi kaya! Sya na nga lang ang inaasahan kong mag aangat ng team kaso nung sinabi nya yon ay para na nyang sinabi na hindi naming kayang talunin ang mga taga SSCR.

 

Siguro naman ay may pagkakamali din ako sa pag papatakbo ng team ngunit bilang namumuno sa kanila ay dapat naman sigurong sumunod sila sakin dahil ako ang nagbuo, namahala, nag pakahirap sumundo sa kanila, gumastos ng pera at mag coach sa kanila! Alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi pa sapat ang aking kaalaman na mag patakbo ng isang Basketball Team pero sa tuwing may laro ang team ay ibinibigay ko ang 100% ng aking nalalaman! Hindi ako yung tipo na pag nalalamangan ng 18 points ay sumusuko na! bagkus ay mas pinagbubuti ko pa ang pag iisip ng paraan upang masolusyunan ang problema! Sabagay, wala rin nga palang saysay ang solusyon sa problema kung yung mga kasama mo mismo ang ayaw gumawa ng paraan upang maremedyohan ang pag subok.

 

Cguro sa susunod ay kakaylanganin ko ng isa pang point guard, yung may puso pag nag lalaro ng basketball, yung kayang ibigay ang 100% lakas ng kanyang katawan at isipan, ung kayang mamuno at magbigay buhay sa mga kapwa player kung nawawalan na ng pag-asang manalo. Cguro nga, pero sino naman kaya?

[missmanners]

the other day, i had dinner with one of your good friends. and she asked me if i ever considered taking you back. i wanted to scream YES! that no day passes where i don't think of you or what you might be doing or had i done things differently or only if i were with you... but i smiled at her, took a moment, and said, "i'll cross the bridge when i get there."

 

the truth won't do me any good right now. i don't want you to come back just because you know i'll take you back. i want you to come back because you want to... because you've realized that now is the right time... that i am the right girl... that it's all finally right.

 

it hurt me to see you yesterday with the girl you're dating. not because i was jealous of her. i think everyone knows that if you were to replace me, whoever you pick will pale in comparison to me. i left shoes that are too large to fill... that only i can fill. so it wasn't really her. it was because you were trying so hard to show me you were ok. you were trying so hard not to look at me.

 

and i was trying so hard not to cry.

 

but my hope stays strong. and now, everyone's hopes are renewed as well. that maybe in time, you will see that yes, we are good for each other in a way that no one else can be good for us.

 

i know in my heart that you still love me... and apparently, everyone else does too because you don't hesitate to admit it to them. and god knows i still love you. in a way that no one will ever fully understand. we were brought into each other's lives not too long ago... and i know that we stay in each other's lives to this day because we belong together. you get me. i get you.

 

i get you.

 

so i'm going to go back to my busy, hectic, frazzled life... and hope that someday soon, you're going to find your way back home.

[fire_and_ice_girl]

It's been so long since we last talked, as in really talk. And it saddens me so much to realize I don't want to speak with you although there are a million things we have to discuss. I don't want to talk because nothing good happens. We have the same issues and I'm so tired of explaining them again & again. You just won't accept my stand and it's so important for me to let it go, so we hurt each other…

 

I'm sorry I always make you cry… that we could no longer go back to what we were before.

 

I changed. You changed. And I worry that we could no longer find a common ground... And because of that our too similar personalities will forever clash. That we come to a point that our love is no longer enough to cover the pain & anger…

[George Estregan Lives]

I try harder, you know I do. But sometimes, this whole endeavor of reaching out and drawing back and the monotonous litany that drives this have a way of piercing my heart.

 

Last week, while you were sleeping in the sand, I caught a snapshot of the ocean’s wave. I cried. I felt for the seawater, like we are of kin, in its almost desperate task of continuously reclaiming land. I am water and I want to reclaim you. I want you in my drenched arms, not to drown you, but to wash away your loneliness.

 

Still, you opt to be there, sad and all, and everyday I die seeing you that way. I die knowing that my surf only reaches that limited part of your beach. I die knowing that the expansive ocean of love cannot get to you enough.

 

I heard that there are certain parts of the year when the sea is calm, free from any gust of wind and waves. I look forward to that. Maybe soon, I would have to stop, and you need not be fearful anymore.

 

Separated or otherwise, may be, if we pray for good weather, there will be peace.

[roxysnonie]

 

id like to acknowledge...

 

...a person so brave, self - sacrificial

 

...a person so very different from what she appears to be

 

...a person, im privileged to have known what she trully is,

 

 

we may have our differences, worldly differences, yet somehow we learn and understand that it is part of our ongoing lives, yet we share things in common we only both know...

 

take stock of yourself, as i do too, thinkin, have i been better off than last year, have conditions improved since then, have i unstuck myself from the web that i weave, or am i still running in circles, not knowing where to...

 

reflect.

 

anyway, its been a year now, a sort of anniversary, and the promise still stands, doors still open,

 

 

happy anniversary!

 

Edited March 23, 2005 by roxysnonie

[Wyld]

dear recca,

 

i dreamt of you again.

you were so real.

you held my hand

and smiled at me.

and all was well in my world.

 

i know you are happy

where you are at right now.

i wish you would save a spot for me

so i can sit beside you

sometime soon.

 

in the meanwhile,

watch over me, guide me

cheer me on and remember,

what i do,

its all for you.

 

i loved you then.

i love you now.

i love you always.

you are my life.

you are my you.

 

love,

 

kikai

[roxysnonie]

 

dearest,

 

i, we, everyone can tell you what to do

 

but in the end, it'll all boils down to you deciding on what to do

 

for yourself, on yourself.

 

people will feed on your weaknesses because you let them

 

come on, theres a good head on those shoulders, take stock of yourself,

 

it is so disappointing to see that you are running around in a vicious self destructive circle

 

not knowing where's the exit, when to say enough is enough

 

only you can decide, find that door, stop the running...

 

ONLY YOU.

Edited March 25, 2005 by roxysnonie

[missmanners]

ano ba talaga?

 

kagabi nalaman ko na kung bakit kahit na alam kong mahal mo ako, eh tuloy pa rin ang pagtulak mo sa akin palayo. pero kahit nung nalaman ko na yon, at kahit dinamdam ko ito at patuloy na nasasaktan dahil dito, hindi ko pa rin maintindihan kung bakit mo sinasabi sa lahat ng tao na mahal mo pa rin ako... hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kahit na may iba ka na eh nandyan pa rin ako sa buhay mo... hindi ko maintindihan.

 

sinabi ko kagabi sa best friend mo na mahirap ang sitwasyon natin dahil wala tayong closure. hindi tayo nag-usap... at nung nag-usap tayo, wala namang nagsabi ng totoo.

 

gusto ko tuloy puntahan ka sa bahay mo, sampalin ka at ipakita sa iyo kung gaano kasakit ang ginawa mo sa akin.

 

pero alam ko na kung gagawin ko yon, lalo ka lang magmamatigas at lalo mo lang iisipin na ako'y hindi nararapat sa yo.

 

mahal kita. pero kailangan mas mahalin ko ang sarili ko. at kung hindi mo nabigyan tayo ng pagkakataon na ayusin ito dati, hindi ko na dapat pilitin na mangyari pa yon ulit.

 

sinabi ko sa mga kaibigan mo na sana nga eh lumigaya ka na kasama ng nililigawan mo ngayon. kasi kahit na alam kong mahal pa rin natin ang isa't-isa, hindi ko alam kung makakalimutan ko ang nakaraan... kung paano mo ako sinaktan... kung paano mo ako patuloy na sinasaktan.

 

ano ba talaga?

[Guest Lacey_thong]

 

Everdearest

 

Since June 11, my life is..

CHANGED...That is the day

we met on the net and since

then, I think of you everyday...

 

I can't picture me without you

We should always be

Because there is no one else

For you or for me

 

But weeks ago,things changed

You changed in so many ways

Just like nothing between us

How am i to do?

 

to make things better, again?

 

 

 

 

 

[KristinLavransdatr]

when i was still a teen i had no qualms about expressing my feelings. when i was in high school i'd look at the boy i adored straight in the eye, engaging him to a game of read my mind. without a word i'd tell him i wanted him. when i was in high school i'd approach a boy i really liked and confront him and tell him how he'd always keep me awake at night.

 

in college, i'd send this wonderful guy letters so well-written he'd think i copied them from somewhere. and when i wanted to see him, i'd go to where he was. i must have appeared like a fool to other women who've forgotten how to be girls, so busy glossing over which was natural and unpretentious.

 

and now, i have become one of those who have made a list of don'ts as far as men are concerned. i have become one of them who have mastered the art of setting up shields, of building walls, of burning bridges.

 

how easy it could have been if i were back in high school and you just a classmate, and our worries were simpler. our baggages lighter. with innocense protecting us from what-ifs.

 

it would have been easier if past experiences didn't teach us lessons, if past hurts didn't leave a mark.

 

if coming to you for the third time is easier than dying wondering what it would be like eating excruciatingly sweet donuts with you again.

Edited March 29, 2005 by KristinLavransdatr

[Barenaked-NoMre]

JM,

 

Was surprised by your text ... no wonder you never replied to my textes, your no. changed. ;-P

 

Thanks for a nice dinner at Tienamen (?) last Monday ... interesting place to eat, hang and drink. I was filled up with the 2 dishes we ordered and Ice Tea. ;-)

 

I almost slipped when you asked me what I knew about you and JAL. Good thing I had my game face on. Else it would have gone elsewhere ... I wouldnt have known how to steer that topic of conversation. Man, JAL owes me an award ... for acting! ;-) Will have to tell her ... but I cant. I wouldnt know how to explain why I saw you. ;-P

 

Thank you for ... dessert as well. It was oh-so YUMMY! ;-) Mmmmm ...

 

When will I possibly hear from you again? Am just a text/call away ...

 

A

[batibut]

Hey I!

 

It was great to see you in bora, again! Kinda reminded me of that first time. You must have thought I was the weirdest girl on earth...hahaha Well, I felt weird. For one I was surprised you were even there. Plus the fact that we were hanging out together, just blew me away. When you sat next to me in Aria and stayed there the whole night, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. I hope you didn't notice that I hardly spoke. I was literally dumbfounded! I couldn't believe it...

 

Did you know that Celeste thought we were a couple? I wish!

 

I can't believe that we took a dip at 4am and my luck when Wins and Epie left us, alone. I felt like I was dreaming the whole time and in my dream I was mute. I so wanted to reach out to you, but I didn't know how.

 

I will never forget that falling star moment we shared. You asked me if I made a wish and I told you I had forgotten. I was too excited to see that star, I said. But now that I think about it, I didn't need to make a wish. I got my wish that night, with you.

 

PS I kept the text message you sent to Wins. Well, she sent it to me and I think I will hang on to it for a while, just so I'm sure that night happened for real...that it wasn't just a dream.

Edited March 30, 2005 by batibut

[Barenaked-NoMre]

To you ...

 

I still hope/wish to see/be with you again ... but you're busy with stuff.

 

I guess things have changed ... too bad.

 

I still miss you, despite meeting others. :-(

 

Am just trying to busy myself and hope to "trip" someone in the process.

 

A

[missmanners]

so it seems you've made a decision... albeit, a hasty one... albeit, a stupid one.

 

i laughed when i heard. it was so absurd. this whole idea of clinging on to anger and deliberately ignoring the truth. this whole idea of looking for something better and finding that nothing will ever be better after all. this whole idea of ending up doing exactly what you set out not to do.

 

i want to continue laughing. but i am not as good as ignorance as you are... i know everything i'm supposed to but lack the will to do it.

 

i am jealous of you. because i am not so good at ignoring something that continues to exist.

 

and it goes without saying that i think you're one of the dumbest people i've ever met. you are waiting for her to get you... to understand you... to allow you to be who you are. you went into a relationship with someone who doesn't KNOW you. make me understand how this is supposed to work.

 

needless to say, i think everyone will agree when i say it probably won't.

 

but i do mean it when i say that i hope it does. really. because all i want is to see you happy.

 

but then even that, you're not sure of.

 

so what now, huh?

[session_kid]

My dear former friend... sorry, but I really have to ignore your letter. Of course, kilala pa kita, but I don't want to reconnect with you again. Cuz that would mean I'll have to spend time with you guys, again, with the feeling of dread. I know it's unfair for you that I feel this way, but we have grown apart. We no longer share the same interests and it seems our friendship couldn't grow any more. I see no point in dragging things fu(a)rther.

[KristinLavransdatr]

yesterday i flung all of life's lessons into the bin.

 

i destroyed the cloak of experience and wore nothing but the truth, naked as it has always been described.

 

i closed my eyes, took a harrowing breath and knocked at your door.

 

i did not prepare a speech. i did not come prepared at all. no smart moves. no cotton candy smiles. no baby breaths.

 

i only had a lousy line that said "..."

 

and i was happy. and i didn't care what other women would say or think about this girl who was once already a woman.

Edited May 2, 2005 by KristinLavransdatr

[swtsexythng®]

R,

 

been in a swirl of dates and events...

 

and to a dinner with you...

 

thought i was finally able to move on...

only to find out...

after all these time...

it is still you..

 

don't even start to ask why and how...

coz' i've been beatin' my brains out...

in trying to find the answers to the

same questions...

 

funny thing is...

i don't wanna be back with you...

not with the man that i'm seeing..

that is you..

i love you..yes...

but i miss the man you were...

when we were...

i long for the man that you were..

when we were...

 

now that you're with another her...

the feelings are still the same..

though i can sound cool and at ease

when we're together...

inside i'm hurting...

and slowly dying...

everytime i see your pics..

at that other site..

my throat constricts...

 

all i could think of was..

what could've been...

if you gave it another chance..

what could've been..

if you were willing to work it out..

 

all i could think of was..

i'm still hurting..

until when i don't know..

 

but i surely want this to stop..

but i don't know how...

 

i love the man i've come to know..

when we were together...

and to see you back in your old self..

makes me miss that man more and more...

perhaps you've gotten scared then??

of the person you've become?

perhaps it wasn't really you..

but i can tell you this..

that man made me feel magic is real..

maybe that's why until now...

i feel like i've finally found magic..

and i've lost it...

 

if only i can shut that site down..

but oqing to the fact that it has hundreds

of thousands of patronizers...

i'll just dream on...

besides..it's my own dumb self..

who always itches to visit your link..

and hers...

to look at the pics...

until they're blurred by my tears...

when will this stop??

please lord.. let this stop.. :cry:

 

[Barenaked-NoMre]

A/Carlos,

 

Thank you for Sat. night ... was a real treat ... the merienda, movie, dinner and live band ... most esp. being driven home. ;-)

 

Am glad you didnt loose your way and got home safe. ;-)

 

Was good to meet you ... til next time. ;-)

 

A

_____________________________________________________________

 

MPA,

 

Good you won that award for MTC! You looked GREAT! ;-) Can always have something like that with you ... in the privacy of a room ... ;-P

 

Let's celebrate SOON! ;-)

 

A

_______________________________________________________

 

I,

 

Weird how you ask ... and I answer. But when I ask ... you dont reply.

 

I should get past you ...

 

A

_____________________________________________________

 

C,

 

Waiting for you to CUM back ... will welCUM you with open arms and LEGS! ;-p

 

A

Edited April 4, 2005 by barenaked

[Wyld]

you have hurt me again.

but i say no more.

i hope my resolve stays firm.

i hope i dont falter.

 

it happened before, with me in the center...

its happening again, with me in the sidelines.

its ironic how life can get,

what goes up, must come down.

 

and so it has.

all the way down.

buried deep.

never to resurface.

 

goodbye.

[LB]

when you agreed to my proposition to cease it, that was our end. i am sorry if i am being unfriendly for we were never that since time immemorial. we were lovers. now, we are strangers same as the song. how can you expect me to tell you that i am fine actually doing great with a new guy (i guess the news already reached your ears). i never want to hurt anybody's feelings. as far as i can remember, i told you that book 2 is an impossibility. please, let me go far away from you. no hurt feelings, i swear. stop contacting me. again, i loved you. like christ said and i quote "it is done."