KristinLavransdatr

Dear Father,

i came to mass early this morning. 7:05 am. it was raining pretty hard. the 5-minute walk to the church took longer. and we had to move fast as we were running late. you know how the priest is in our parish. so young and so loud. a group of parishioners coming late and he won't give them the time of day. talking about respect in other people's time and the lord's. oh, well. this morning we were 5 minutes late, along with a dozen more. and lo! father b didn't say a zip.

but he did pretty well with the seeds sermon. insightful. very. the best he has delivered since his assignment at our parish. i'd say better than the ones i heard at the greenbelt chapel in months.

i'm glad that your shepherds are getting better. with mass-goers like me, i think they should. but you see, with or without good homilies, your presence is always felt. and i thank you for your grace.

the seeds of faith you have entrusted won't wither and die. i pray.

amen.

y

just a note before i sleep --

you,

may i remind you, it wasn't i who sent the first note. it wasn't i who sent the first sms. it wasn't i who asked for an i.d. it wasn't i who made the first call. it wasn't i who invited to meet up. it wasn't i who started it all.

i was happy making my "fans" happy. i was walking on a horizontal pole, balancing perfectly, not missing a beat. and you came watching me, complimenting me on my toes. and you destroyed the harmony of me on the pole, of me keeping to myself - alone.

what school teaches boys like you to do that? do the teachers there teach you how to smile as if it's real? do they teach you how to look straight in the eye as if the world suddenly is contained in that stare? do they teach you the right words to say? the right tone to use? do they have you rehearse compliments so they come sincere? do you have graduations, too? oh, you must have received the highest honor.

you know, i didn't go to any school like that. i didn't go to a school that teaches deceit as an art. i didn't go to a school that teaches a person to be numb so after he has hurt someone he still could sleep. and eat. and think. and dream. and pray.

i didn't go to any school like that. i sure wouldn't be able to make a mark. you're good. but i don't salute you.

(better late tonight, than later tomorrow.)

Whoa, GF! 

 

Breathe ... you know that SOME arent worth replying to.  Dont waste your brain cells to CUM up with a reply to THESE posts.  They dont know you ... leave it be.

 

Not worth your time.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yes ... time and again I have seen you in your PINK get up ... but NICE!  ;-)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

A,

i know. i just can't allow stupidity and insolence at my expense.

jeez! what you've seen are the pants, not this peasant skirt. real cute! i'm changing colors. next week, i will be in apple green sexy dress. not because it's the in color. just nice on my skin.

tapos sasabihin boy daw ako???

Y

dennis,

don't ask who i'm referring to here. i'm not telling you. just go trace the creature. :upside:

KL

to you, one particular mtc male member (a male "member" is also called a dick, right?) but i'm not saying all mtc male members are dickheads, only this one and a few others whose name i won't mention -

to you who questioned my gender and who said that i don't have the right to wear pants for my stone age views:

i have responded to your accusations when i shouldn't have dignified them with my attention, but i dignified you as a person although you didn't me.

i don't know how you'd want me to convince you (as if i really have to) that i am female. how do you know that a human being is a woman? through mere physical attributes, with or without clothes? through the things she talks about? or is a woman a woman only based on your definition?

i am a woman. i'm tempted to drop handles of other members who have met and talked to me who can tell you as far as the physical aspects are concerned that i am a woman. althought this does not necessarily mean i went to bed with them.

as regards the things i talk about you can visit my room and read what i love discussing about. i have a link that will send you there.

i should have posted this to the fight club thread, but ladies don't do that. hags do. and i'm no old witch. (my apologies to the hags.)

i must say this is the most uncreative mailbox post i have. you're not worth my creativity, that's why.

but a little wrath from me won't hurt. would it?

m,

i'm sorry if i gave you the cold shoulders yesterday. there were just too many things in my head. of course, all work related. no, i'm not making you compete with it, because you can't. and you're wrong when you said i have no more life with all the things i do here. i'm not your usual career girl. i have my family. at home, i make the most of my time shedding all robes of corporate duties. at home, i feed our dogs, bathe them, all four of them. i go to the stinking palengke on weekends. i vacuum clean my room, choking in a week's worth of dust. i sing videoke with my sister. i play cards with my brothers. i cook a feast with my mother. at night, when everyone is asleep i go back to work. that's what i call "my life." and if you can't call that life, i wonder big how you live yours.

a man? where can i put him? how can i squeeze him in to my already busy life? do i get a man now and ruin my equilibrium? as it is, i have only one use for him. and i don't even have time for it anymore. if i have free time, you sure will see me at powerbooks browsing through shelves hoping i could find a good book to buy and read.

books, i realized, are far better than most men. as it is, i'm not taking a chance. a good read is a lot more gratifying than just a good lay.

it is over, m. quit your grand illusions.

still, i was wrong to have treated you as such. but may that open your eyes to bitter realities of life.

y

you know what i'm wearing right now? hot pink ballet shoes. white peasant skirt with embroidery of various shades of pink 7 inches off the hemline. thin strapped tiny top the color of my ballet shoes. my officemates said i look like some girl who has just stepped out from that crazy candy mag. real sweet.

i'm sure if you see me now, you'll mock me. such pretense. you'd love to snatch my mask, tear off my cotton candy shield, and show to the world that this candy stings. oh, does it still hurt? did i leave a mark? you'll be alright soon. like the other men before you.

i am a lesson you so deserve to learn. i am poison you so worthily have to take. i am your curse. be blessed.

and be happy i have given you a second look.

oh, go back to your fhm. be one with those who derive pleasure from fully-made up nudity. who sex up the magazine and leave its pages stuck to each other.

you're no loser. you're too much of a sissy to join a fight, a race, a game. loser at birth? no. you were born. that's your only contribution to the human race.

relieved that i am able to control the urge to post hurting words to someone.

yesterday was one of the better days i had in weeks. meeting with staff was enlightening and encouraging. and that with JDF was promising. i got a "great job" note from the prez. sum it all up, i couldn't complain.

6:30. i was at the FM parking lot. as usual. from work. saw this crosswind. damn! why each time i see a crosswind i remember you. and crosswinds are all over the place. damn isuzu marketing. oh, nothing against the isuzu salesforce. but shhhh!t

and one of those golds blocked this bend. a man walked towards it. you.

i would have come up to you, but no. i already made a choice. as you said, my choice. always my choice.

yesterday, an old friend told me pointblank how difficult it is to deal with me. first time i heard that. and from someone i have been in relationship with for the past 10 years. those years when he was unavailable while i was. those years when i was unavailable and he was. those years when we were both available. but decided not. now, we're again both available. and he still finds it difficult to deal with me. too smart. too pretty. and pretends not to know it. he said. damn difficult to deal with a blind man, alright.

to you both: it is not my choice to be tough. it is my way of life. so let me live. as i let you go. i don't need you to change me. i am me without you. i am me just for me.

i'm torn between being a corporate entity and a human being.

just realized that what maxwell said is true: you are who you attract. looking back at past relationships, i now know why they didn't work. i look at love as an entertainment, as a stress reliever, as a good bed on my back after a long day's work.

i will probably have to change me. a little.

the other night a friend gave me some news about you. i thought it would make me feel better. well, it did. after all these months i have regarded you as someone so up there. now, i realize you're so ordinary. nothing gives me more pleasure than realizations.

that you commit huge mistakes that somehow can be considered acts of stupidity. that you misjudge people, you having been exposed to individuals with less or no capability to judge wisely. that you turn your back on old friends for the new ones who give you feel-good companionship.

sigh.

oh, well. i hope you find a new job.

thank you for the miracle called yesterday.

and for the blessing that is today.

dear father,

you're the only one who knows what's in store for me today. this day i give to you to decide for me. i have always been my own captain, but today is different. today, i'm throwing in the towel. that if you so decide. today, he will be a better person, realizing his mistakes; therefore, i will be satisfied. relieved. that only if you so decide.

today, i will not exert any effort. i will not talk smart. i will not think. i will not be me.

today is yours, as i let go. as i let you.

amen.

i’m sorry to have foiled your attempt to greatness.

a simple note for you: there are two important things you have to remember about a community:

1. it is a microcosm of the world.

2. in that microcosm are representatives of the learned ones and their opposites.

the learned ones are composed of the forgiving, the-hell-I-care-what-you-say-so-be-damned-to-sound-stupid-it’s-your-life-jerk individuals; and the unforgiving, what-the-four-letter-foul-word-did-you-say-you-moron-i’m-not-putting-up-with-that-stupidity buffs.

and because i can’t forgive you, forgive me.

like in the 3D world, some people here aren't as smart as they claim to be.

but unlike in the 3D world, people here could unmake errors having realized them. as if they've never committed any. but then glitches happen. and you're caught. THAT is the mistake you can never delete.

last read: the beginning and the end, naguib mahfouz

re-reading the makioka sisters, junichiro tanizaki (for my thesis, should i decide to finish it :hypocritesmiley: )

Thank you for allowing me to realize that it is in helping others that i am more blessed. That it is not about having so much, but about having so much to give others.

Thank you for making me an instrument so that another's pain would ease.

and as emily perfectly puts it: i shall not live in vain.

i learned early in life that if you can, do it. if it is allowed, do it.

if i can edit my post, i will. if i want to, i will. if it pleases me, i will.

meow!

give the guy a chance. i know deep within you, you know he is sincere. and honest. how many guys have you met who've had those traits?

your friend is right. the reason you're going through similar circumstances is that you don't allow yourself to learn the lesson. so you repeat.

don't be afraid to learn another life's lesson. forget about paul and the guys before him. they are lessons learned alright, but they're a different subject matter.

face your current course. hack it.

hey, punk!

i don't think i can still see you.

i took your place when you left for S- and became his friend.

his friendship is more valuable than your charm. he loves me and although i can't reciprocate, i cherish him like a little sister to her big brother.

no regrets, punk, no regrets.

i understand your not telling the truth. but even if you've been upfront, my decision will stay. M- is a good friend. and i can't betray his friendship.

no regrets, punk, no regrets.

y

hey, punk!

i should be disgusted. i should be enraged. i should be spewing invectives. i shouldn't even be talking to you.

but you got me. from where your charm comes, i do not know. i do not care.

and you know him. gawd! how you know him. you know him more than i do. i guess you really are a fan. he spent hours and hours telling me what he does, whom he knows, and they all just ended up as words, not remembrance. but you, you know everything about his world.

i will probably listen to him more when he talks about his music, appreciate his beat, and touch his hands the next time i see him -- the hands that you wished you had.

but, please, don't ask for his autograph.

i will be deeply hurt.

I swear! I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking! I don't get it, OK? I admit! I'm not getting the signals! I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little...everything they do is subtle...men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want WOMEN, that's it! ...It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is: WE WANT WOMEN!!!   How do we get them? Oh, we don't know about that, we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea! :cry: 

 

This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far...The car-horn-honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks: Beep! Beep! BEEEEPPPP!!!! This man is out of ideas. Who does this...? BEEEEPPPP!!!! "I don't think she likes me"...The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don't we. Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder...That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like: "Where to meet men?". We're here, we are everywhere.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

this is sooo darn funny! way to go! :cool:

most women have this spell when they'd say something but actually mean different, even the opposite. like, when we say "i don't want to see you anymore." it may not mean that at all. well, in english it may appear "get the hell out of my life." but in most cases, you need, truly need to translate it to another cosmic language understandable only to women. we're so sorry about this, guys. truly sorry.

now, don't try to understand us. you definitely will fail. it's going to be a lost cause.

you say you want women, and you ask how to get us. but here's the thing:

you know a lot of women buy cosmo, candy, women's journal, preview, mod, etc. reading through articles entitled: "where to meet men" or "how to attract men" or "101 ways to meet mr. right." and yes, men are just everywhere. but where?

you huddle with your buddies talking about basketball, the previous night's one-night-stand, politics, philosophical machismos, atheism, zen buddhism, communism, catholicism, existentialism, and a whole bunch of other isms.

and where else? you roar the streets with your big bikes, the hills with your mountain bikes, the tracks with your race cars, the big waves with your boats, the skies with your jets.

and yes, you men talk to your cars and call them "baby."

and when you're done with your pretty little hobbies, you look around and say: "hmmm....i wonder where i could get a lay tonight."

and you think "love" is a word invented by hollywood fags. thus it makes you itch...in the wrong places.

so...you're back in town!

remember what i told you last time?

that the sooner you're out of here the better. (and i must admit that comment was totally uncalled for.)

and i wonder how many girls whose world you're turning upside down this time...

Arms:

you have always been acknowledged as the true writer in the group. how you used to impress me when you needed only to write a poem or a short story when you were short on cash. either you'd send your pieces as contributions to a magazine or join writing contests. and all the time your works would bring home cash...er...checks. and we were just college kids!

Meks:

you are the first existentialist I know in person. really funny that you had nietzsche's picture in your wallet instead of your boyfriend's. and in your every speech, there would always be a quote from your god-less god. we were just relieved you maintained to be a theistic existentialist despite your love of frederich.

Gins:

the girl who took the russian tongue seriously. how funny you were when you dragged us all to sign up for the russian class, hoping that eventually, we would be able to read anna karenina and first circle in their original medium. how ambitious you were! (the thing is, i never even got to finish reading half of either first circle or cancer ward, and they're in english!!)

and i wonder where you guys are now. somehow, i never got to apologize for being so average in your company. but must you know, i have gotten over rhett butler. if that at all is any consolation.

i know i have been really tough on you guys lately. my goal is not my own, but ours.

please, understand that these things i do so you can be more than who you are right now.

i would have opted for a new group of people, but when i came in, you're already here, part and parcel of what i called a new assignment.

my ways are narrow. and you have no choice but to take them.

without apologies,

^^S

------

--dang! i never had so many slips as i had here. i must have been typing with my eyes closed.

now, i apologize.

- KL