The Mail Box

[chiquezee]

16 November

 

There used to be a patch of grass breaking out stubbornly from the cracks of the concrete pavement, near the gate by the lamp post. Today, I was surprised to see that they were meticulous enough to spread white cement over it for an impeccable, tough, uniformed look. That saddened me, on top of everything else that has been making me sad for the past weeks.

 

Lucky you, you will have acres of sprawling, never ending green pastures that will serve as your carpet, protecting your soft delicate feet, when you take that leap of faith to conquer your new horizon. You will have more than enough of bejeweled greeneries, and I will be left with the cold concrete.

 

Seeing the wild grass removed from my view reminded me of what I am losing soon. You will be going, I know. You have to go. It's not like I will never see you nor hear from you again; and its not like blood relations diminish from distances, but still, the ache of not having you around for a tete-a-tete when we feel like it is breaking my already beaten-up heart. Ilan lang ba naman tayong magkakapatid, babawasan pa ng distansya ng isa... But then, the time will inevitably come when I myself will go and take on my own challenges. Unlike you, though, I have plans of returning to establish the legacy that was so foreign to us, and bring it right here where I plan to have and nurture my kids. While that has not happened yet, your going is unmercifully bitter. Maybe for selfish reasons, but bitter nonetheless.

 

(In another instance, I may look at this from another perspective, but at this point, I am simply consumed by loneliness and my heart continues to ache, though I try to muster the best defense that I could. If only I could bravely tell you what I have been through, and again is going through...)

 

You will no longer be a phone call away. There will be no more late night calls like the one days ago when I sobbed my pain through the lines after a brief hello... Who will be there to listen to me cry and be understanding enough not to force a word out of me? Who will be kind enough not to ask questions when all I need was to know someone was at the other line while I weep? You understand that misery loves company and you unselfishly give of your time to make sure I get that company. Even if I say not a word.

 

I wish, just for this moment before you leave, that I could be not myself and start opening up to you. I have always been the ultra-secretive one among us, like mama would point out, and for the life of me, I could never unburden to any of you. I envy you when you would grab a mug, pour yourself freshly brewed coffee, and sit by the table where mama is and just tell her what you're going through. I have difficulty doing that. I've made it a point to think that my troubles are my responsibility alone. And so here I am, going through my heartaches alone. If only I can really talk to you before you go, then perhaps that will make the bond stronger.

 

I have never admitted the influence you had on me, stubborn as I am, standing on my arrogant claim that no one has been convincing enough to make me yield my beliefs, or alter my convictions, or influence my actions. I have been reliant on our upbringing and sense of pride and honor, and often times, became too rigid with following the rules and standards I set for myself. But yes, you have influenced me more than I realized.

 

When we were kids, I used to defend you from those who would bully you because you were so soft and gentle, having been brought up like the princess that you felt you were then. But as we were getting older and life became harsh for me, and you became tougher with the circumstances, you would sit down by my bed to comb my hair with your fingers, saying nothing. And like the other day, you would just listen to me sob, and stay with me til you think I am better. By myself, I denied the tears, pretending to be strong and hard and tough; but with you beside me, crying was easy.

 

I will never forget when you rushed from your class to where I was, and in your tender age of 12, ordered everybody around to make sure I was brought to the hospital immediately. That stuck in my mind, and from then on, the role reversed. You started to protect me, and even mama, when the harshness of politics stripped peace and comfort away from us.

 

Even then, I denied any form of weakness, including admitting your influence on me. Or that I needed anybody. I was my father's daughter. Tough. Unconquerable. Cruel, even, to those who would hurt us. But deep inside, I'm the little girl whose childhood was snatched away from her by the bitter realities of life. You would know. You were the only one who'd bother finding out what was wrong when I'd be burying myself deep in books and studies, instead of going out like regular, happy, worry-free children used to do. But you never did get an answer from me except for a cheerful smile that was my ultimate defense from those who'd dare cross the line and reach out. I feared you will not understand. Until now, I have the same foolish fears.

 

Now, if only I could tell you that I do need somebody who would understand my pain, or my loneliness. It is selfishness, I know, to want you around because I need you. But when have I admitted to needing anybody at any time? Whole heartedly? Now that I am realizing that, you will be going away.

 

Maybe, just maybe, before you go, I can be a little more not myself by being true to my real self and tell you that yes, I have been through so much in life without any of you ever knowing. And no, I cannot handle it alone. That yes, I have failed miserably in keeping up a fortress on my own and that I want you to know that I appreciate your love and kindness through the years, standing by me, knowing that I cannot bear it single-handedly, though I remained stubborn in my own deception of strength.

 

I also want you to know that I will always be here for you, though far away. I will fly over if I have to, and you can be assured that everything else fall second when it comes to preserving and protecting this family.

 

The grass will forever be hidden under the tough cement, but somewhere deep in the earth's richness, the root remains, and once unearthed, will flourish once again.

 

You will never leave my heart. Family, always.

 

 

 

- I.P.

[chiquezee]

AL,

 

I am about to undertake the final steps to liberation. It took a while, but I am nearing the finish line. One more thing I have to accomplish and then I shall set up an appointment with your secretary.

 

 

 

I am giving up my Isaacs, I'm sure you'll be glad to know. It is out of obedience, mind you, than sacrifice.

 

 

 

December 10, upon my arrival from the snows.

Wait for me. I shall narrate to you my victories.

 

 

 

 

- C

[rebel_biatch]

Dear God,

 

why am i always in pain? why do i have to experience all these sufferings? i just want to be happy... all i wanted is to be loved... to be successful... to be healthy... but why can't i have even one of those? i loved someone, tired to change just to please him, but i think it wasn't enough for him. i finished college and followed my parents to finish a course that i don't like, and yet here i am.. a jobless peasant. a registered nurse but unhealthy... trying to find a job to finance my medications and therapies, but still failed. i know i commited a lot of sins... fooled a lot of people.. and now that im changing for the best, why am i still in greater pain? i know you want me to be strong.. but how? i haven't finished a battle yet here comes another one. you sent me a soldier to be with me all the way. offering all the help he can give, but why did he left? leaving me as if i was all my fault.. all i want is honesty, since he demanded me to be honest with him too... am i being fooled again? am i experiencing my karma? Lord, i give up. i surrender everything to you. if tomorow comes without me, please tell all my loved ones that i'm sorry and i love them all.. let it be done Lord.. let it be your way, and not mine.

 

 

----rebeliza grace

[dixiechiq]

I miss you bei.. Somehow, I hope you miss me too. I know we don't talk anymore. And what we had meant so much.. I don't know what happend with you and me being friends. But i hope you are happy. Please be happy. I'm still inlove with you.

[chipmaker]

it may seem nothing to you but yes, i still remember that night when you led me around metrowalk, looking for dvd's which we never bought.

 

:flowers:

 

see you when i visit manila, okay?

[dixiechiq]

i remember that night as you hugged me in yer couch.. if only i wasn't so caught up with all the dramas in my life, i would've stayed.

 

see you when you get here too

[chipmaker]

If you still bother to read what I say, then hear this:

 

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.

I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.

For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,

Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?

 

I'm not okay

I'm not okay

I'm not okay

You wear me out

 

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?

(I'm not okay)

I've told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means

(I'm not okay)

To be a joke and look, another line without a hook

I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!

 

I'm not okay

I'm not okay

I'm not okay

You wear me out

 

Forget about the dirty looks

The photographs your boyfriend took

You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed

 

I'm okay

I'm okay!

I'm okay, now

(I'm okay, now)

 

But you really need to listen to me

Because I'm telling you the truth

I mean this, I'm okay!

(Trust Me)

 

I'm not okay

I'm not okay

Well, I'm not okay

I'm not o-f#&king-kay

I'm not okay

I'm not okay

(Okay)

 

It's been ten years and we still hold grudges against each other. Both sides reaching out yet we never connect on a level that leaves us both on at least a neutral plane. Instead, we end up saying things we never mean, or hold back words that really express what we want to say. We both live different lives, both of us trying to escape the places which held so many memories. Now we find ourselves so much farther away. But are we more separate now than before? Dont you realize it takes so little to bring it all back?

 

In a couple of days more, it will be November 28 again. If that date still rings a bell to you, then reach out to me. But leave the harsh words out this time. Maybe then we can move on, separate ways but no longer in pain.

[chipmaker]

uulitin ko lang.

 

You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed

 

klaro?

 

[chipmaker]

embed this in your friendster page:

 

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<param name="allowNetworking" value="internal" /><br />

<param name="movie" value="http://media.imeem.com/m/OXPssHWkCB" /><br />

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you'll feel a lot better afterwards, i promise.

 

[dixiechiq]

Hi! it's been a while since i last saw ur pretty smile.. We were hugging and kissing then and i just said you make me feel so happy. happy is even an understatement. we have shared alot for the past few weeks and im thankful that i met you.. i hope we can keep this... whatever we have... we both know it's weirdly sweet and annoyingly heart touching... whatever. just please... stay?

[n0rb]

Say Goodbye

 

Yeah. I get the picture now.

 

I admit that I was very upset these past few days. I actually don’t know why. On one hand, this is what I’ve always wanted, on the other hand, I think you’re making a very big mistake. I haven’t been talking to you lately, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t know what’s going on. Learning from your past mistakes? Sure. You tell yourself that. If making up for a big mistake means making an even bigger mistake is your cup of tea, then that’s your thing.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I want you to be happy as well, but look at that piece of s@%t? He has warning signs written all over his f*cking face. He’s butt ugly, old, has bigger issues than I did, and so much more (do you want me to go on?). But hey, that’s just really typical for washed out scums like him who has to prey on naïve little girls like you just to feel like somebody again. And you, on the other hand, is too stupid to fall for that.

 

I’m probably am in no position to tell you all this. But take it from one assh*le who admits that he’s been so wrong before: he is not worth your s@%t.

 

You really do know where to kick me where it hurts the most. Right smack at my balls. The problem with you is that you assume that I don’t care. Well, I’m not gonna try to explain that further. But if I didn’t care so much, then why would I still be writing this?

 

Aside from that, I still do have a lot of reservations towards you already. Maybe I was just too blind to see a lot of things about you being so close, but now that I’ve taken a few steps backwards (or few steps away), it’s clearer to me now that you haven’t been the girl that you claimed you were. On another note, I still blame you for everything that Claudia supposedly did. One way or another, I still think that you had a lot, or something to do with all that.

 

So this is why we can’t be friends anymore. Whatever happened before, quits na tayo. I’m cutting all the things which reminds me of us. I just recently fixed the gym, so that’s done with. I got your xmas card scheduled for 2008 pa and the letters and whatevers inside. I felt like there’s really no need to read what’s inside anymore so I just made myself a small moving-on ritual and burned them together with some other things. I felt like I was burning parts of my past but it’s the parts that I wanna, I need to forget, anyway.

 

Just thought I’d let you know what’s up, and this is me, saying goodbye for good. Have a happy life. Take care of yourself.

[silent_killer]

i was never fair to you. Im sorry for everything.

 

I know you still want to keep "us" but if i keep hurting you the way i did, its better that i stay away from you. You may shed tears for me now, i know it's hard to let go. But if i give in again, i know that time will come and we would both hurt. Please..its for our sake that I do this. :cry:

Edited November 19, 2007 by silent_killer

[dixiechiq]

it's ok... i get it too... i'm so happy that we did this. and if at soem point you do believe i'm making an even bigger mistake by doing these? then fine... i'm so used to being hurt and thrown around anyways. haaay. im tired of you and all this drama. you can dwell on this while i can go on an be happy.

[naked_angel]

so suddenly i'm indispensible and you can't let go of me?

funny.

 

i actually heard paranoia in your voice. and to think you called twice from the airport. (which you never do)

 

it wasn't out of concern, that i'm sure.

 

there was fear in your voice that since you're going away, he's going away.

 

i might leave you all too.

 

ohhh . it felt so good. that you were almost on your knees begging.

 

mean but i deserve it and you deserve to suffer a bit.

 

to harmonious office relationship, chief!

[Sinanju]

Our time together has always been very very rough. Sometimes, i thought I'd give up but I did promise you no matter what we'll always be together. And it sticks like hell in the pit of my stomach. Dunno why but extreme temptations come when we're having bad days together and its getting so damn difficult to hold it at bay. I am but human.. and a man at that. Controlling your physical need sometimes take herculean courage and most women don't realize that its a very rare thing for a guy to refuse sexual offers when its coming at you esp from very hot chics.. Oh man.... Well, I at least know I wouldn't cheat on you though my body sings a different tune. Wish I could just hear you say "I appreciate what you're doing for our relationship". Is that too much to ask? But then, I'm thinking do I deserve you. Wish I could feel happiness again... I know I can't find it in anybody else... I can still remember... with a soft sigh while you were holding me... I knew then you were not touching my hands but my soul...