The Mail Box

[irshes]

I have spent my life trying to make you proud. You think I can do no wrong. I’m sorry I fooled you.

 

This is me. I do not live a charmed life.

 

At age four, I was molested by a cousin in my own house. Had my grandmother not pass by my room, he would have succeeded. I still remember it, clear as day. (Lola, why did you deny it when I asked you? Are you afraid I would cry? Think less of myself? Plot revenge? No. Acknowledging it would mean it still affects me. Doing so would be glorifying that scum’s act. I still see him, but I no longer feel the urge to rip his eyes out.)

 

At age 20, I was raped by my then boyfriend’s friend. Being taken against my will, especially since I was a virgin then, is not what hurt me. It is the fact the man I trusted to be on my side did not believe me. One of the many betrayals I have encountered.

 

I am being harassed by my ex-editor because I refused to discuss my sex life with him. He, who in all these years I treated like my older brother, turned out to be a pervert. He is no different from those men who masturbated in front of me in public, those strangers who touched and groped me.

 

I never told anyone. I feel I should keep it to myself; I don’t want you to worry. Can I admit, just this once, that my secrets are slowly killing me?

 

Am I just good for sex? Is that all they’re after? Am I good for nothing else to the opposite sex?

 

The only man who made me feel my worth has been taken away from me too soon, too cruelly. That huge blow almost destroyed me. You saw me crying. You sympathized with me. You say you admire me because I dealt with it “beautifully.”

 

I am an actress. You never realize how deeply I am still hurting.

 

I never even considered suicide, not because I feel it is a sin. I am afraid that I will forever be remembered as a failure.

 

I am messed up.

 

I lie.

I have stolen things that weren’t mine.

I smoke cigarettes and, occasionally, pot.

I watch porn and I masturbate everyday.

I f**ked around, a couple of times with married men.

I enjoy power tripping.

I manipulate people.

I am a bad person.

 

I am not happy with myself.

I am insecure.

I hate the way I look.

I do not find fulfilment in my work.

I love my family, but sometimes I just wished I was alone.

I could’ve done something better with my life.

 

I suffer in silence, because I don’t want you to worry. I want you to think of me as someone who’s strong. I remember a friend telling me once that she gets inspiration from me.

 

If only she had known how weak I truly am, I wonder if she would still feel that way.

 

I am not perfect. But I am still your daughter, your sister, your friend.

If you know who I really am, can you still truly accept me despite my imperfections?

 

T.

[irshes]

Mom,

I never knew how much words can hurt, until now.

I seldom lose control of my emotions, the way I did this morning. I couldn’t help it. I have been trying to keep it in all these years. I know I should’ve been more patient, but I just can’t. I’ve had enough. Must you really condemn me for saying how I felt?

One instance and I was told, “ganyan ka pala,” as if what I am before was just an act.

I will be keeping my silence and distance, not out of spite. I do it because you hurt me so much I don’t think I can even look at you right now.

T.

[Zerreit]

This is a letter I wrote a couple of mornings ago. I couldn't sleep and I felt the urge to write. It's still in an envelope inside my drawer. I haven't found the courage to give it to him personally yet. Maybe I will before I leave. I hope it won't be too late by then.

 

I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to give this letter to you. Maybe someday I will. By that time, I hope it won't be too late.

 

There was a time in my life where everything was very dull. Everything I did was very routinely. It came to a point where I abhored everything, and I no longer wanted what I was exhisting in anymore.

 

My life since I was a child has been a very easy one. I have been fortunate enough to have a family and parents who provide very well. My parents gave my sister and I almost everything that we needed and wanted. They sheltered us, too, from possibilites of being harmed and hurt, and yet I am always surprised at how I turned out. I guess I was raised well enough to be thankful for everything, not ask for more than what has been given, and share what I have. I keep my feet on the ground that way.

 

You see, it's a very safe life. Safe and secure. But you know, no matter how safe and secure life is, one would always look for something else. One would try and find out what their own destiny is. They'd opt to make and pave their own path rather than take a path that has already been laid beforehand and made easy for them.

 

I am at this point in my life right now.

 

I am about to make possibly one of the biggest decisions in my young life. It scares me so much just thinking about it. I know it will be to my parents' dismay when they find out I have opted to pave my own way into this crazy, chaotic world. But I know, too, that no matter what I do, they will always give me their silent support. I suddenly am not so scared anymore. Knowing I have my parents' and family's support, my friends' support comforts me. What brings me even more comfort is your support and your guiding words.

 

You may not know it but you are playing a very big part in this pivotal point in my life. You may even be part of the reason I'm experiencing such. I am just so thankful and grateful that it's you and not someone else.

 

There are reasons why people meet. I remember what a friend told me once. During our lives' journeys we chance upon walls. There's a reason why that wall is placed there. We can just walk past it and ignore it, or study it and understand the reason why it's there. It really is up to us to find a way to have the answers revealed. You certainly are not a wall but you have a reason why you're here. That reason is slowly being revealed to me now. You were placed in my life to bring out the best in me. To make me realize that I am a good person mo matter how bad I think I am. You were placed in my life for me not to be scared of life but to embrace it and all the adventures that comes with it. You made me realize that I am worth something and I am worth a lot. You made me realize to never settle for less. You are part of the reason why I never lose my faith in people, and the reason why I have more courage. I would say you have changed me a lot but that would be wrong. You didn't change me at all. Instead, you did something better. You know me so well. Why do you know me so well? You understand me more than I do myself. You see who I really am. You brought out who I really am and what I'm really supposed to be. I understand myself more now because of you. You made me stronger.

 

I don't know if I can ever stop thanking you. Your mere existence is a lot to be thankful for. I don't even know if words are enough. But I will try my best.

 

Thank you for being you, for stepping into my life. Thank you for giving me an adventure. For making me smile, laugh, giggle. For comforting me when I was really down. For all the guiding words, the encouraging words, and all the conversations. Thank you for making me realize a lot of things, for helping me understand myself more, where and what kind of family I come from. Thank you for showing me how powerful I can be. Thank you for all the hugs and all the affection. Thank you for the friendship. Most of all, thank you for letting me into your life as well.

 

You made one of the most difficult decisions in my life bearable for me.

 

Wherever I go, wherever I end up, I will always remember you. I promise.

 

Yours,

L

[LostCommand]

We are not here to seek acceptance, we are here to satisfy our ambitions.

We are not here to please others, save if that serves our purpose

We are not here to use others for profit, we are here to profit in serving others.

 

(we are not here to have others lay us, we are here to get laid with others)

 

 

Ambitions?

Purpose?

Service to others?

 

(getting good lays?),

 

These are what will be asked you at the end of your stay.

Finding these takes years. Happy are those who find theirs early.

(especially the good lays)

 

...to fight, and not to heed the wounds.

[Zerreit]

Yes, you apologized. Yes, you regret what you did. But I will still never forgive you, nor forget what you have done to our dad.

 

L

[Lipstick]

Beloved,

 

You make my heart flutter with uncertainty and promise. Tonight you almost sent me to the nadir of despair. The battle isn't over I know but strangely I feel that all will not be lost. You don't know just how much I appreciate your effort. I was right about you from the very beginning. You are a good man. And that is why I love you so. And that is why I will never give up on you. I've said this many times, many ways in the past 5 years and tonight I say it again.

 

Once in a lifetime you meet someone who changes your life in so many positive ways. Once in a lifetime you love someone that changes all you have learned about love. Once in a lifetime God keeps his word, his promise to you. Once in a lifetime beloved, will I have you in my life. How could you ever think I could walk away from this? Not now, not ever. You have always kept the dream alive for both of us even in the most trying of times when the dream seemed to have vanished, despite the biggest of bumps we have had along the way. How could I not be with you till the end of forever? I love you so.

 

If I had to make several choices, I would choose you time and again, over and over, several times.

 

Have that peaceful sleep that has long eluded you the past weeks and may the angels bring my love to you on their wings. Whatever happens, you will always be the one I truly love.

 

-L-

[irshes]

I live in a world where you no longer exist.

I do not want to be reminded of your presence.

Let me be.

[Macy]

Mama,

 

Thank you for that call at 1am. I was nervous that it was bad news at first because it was so late. Don't ever do that again!

 

So you missed me huh? That was so sweet. Even if the reason why you suddenly called is to check up whether I was eating on time. She has too many leftover food, so she remembered me.

 

I'm okay mom. Getting used to living alone again. I love the peace and quiet though. Look at it this way.... you won't have to wait up for me everyday as I come home at 2 or 3am. Ohhhh I know you love doing it... so you keep saying. But we're not getting any younger are we? And you do need to rest.

 

Take your meds aight? I'll come visit soon.

 

I miss you too.

 

M

[Wyld]

i so hate miles and kilometres.... for they make me feel exactly how far removed i am from you.

 

i know that it probably is inevitable that we draw apart. what pains me is to see it happening so soon. im trying in vain to hold on ... but in the silence of the night i ask myself... should i even?

 

is it worth it?

 

i wonder...

 

-k

[bods1000]

Y

 

I never thought you'd be back, but I kept the fires burning. My heart suffered many deaths through your long absence, but the promise wrapped in your words kept whatever small embers from dying out. The moment I saw you again it was like there were a thousand symphonies playing around us, although we were in a most pedestrian place. I thought I was walking on carpet when I laid my eyes on you again. The moment I wrapped my arms around you brought closure to the countless hours, days, months that doubt and uncertainty nearly killed me. I know that you won't be able to come across this piece, but I know that He will, and I know that through Him, the deep love that is running through this page will somehow be transported to your heart.

God is good. Life is beautiful. Our love is forever.

 

N

[roxysnonie]

honey dear,

 

why me?

 

you did ask, lets see...

 

it must be that captivating smile of yours,

it must be coz your good company to be with,

it could be a lot of things, waiting....

 

...waiting to be found.

 

actually, mere words can never be close to describing you,

 

but why you?

 

simple, it is because you're you!

and i love the mystery of you!!!

Edited April 25, 2004 by roxysnonie

[roxysnonie]

hayyyyyy...

Edited April 25, 2004 by roxysnonie

[Wyld]

you. yep you.

 

you dont know how hurtful you were.

how hurtful you can be.

 

i suffer in silence.

 

-k

[barog]

This was sent by my friend to her worthless lover.

 

 

 

Dear XXX,

 

You pretty well know that you are very special to me but to what extent, no one can ever explain it, not even me. I do not really know how to define love and when it shine through me; one thing is certain though, it is the time when I am in pain, in tears, in fears but in the mood to write and gather my thoughts.

 

I know I have caused you hurt but I do not want to say sorry because if I do, it is as if admitting that I was not hurt as well. You taught me that dear (“,). However, I want you to know that when I said that I do not want to cry again because of you, I lied. I lied because I was proud, arrogant and self preserving.

 

When I saw the list that inscribed your name on it, which my friend carried at the office it just dawned on me that I will definitely miss you and I cannot allow myself to let you go just like that without even saying the truth. You gave me the reason to write poems and that means a lot to me, perhaps you made me love you even before. You have always inspired me to do big things and go beyond what I believed I can only achieve. You did not touch my life and made me feel inspired by merely telling me your achievements, our weirdly same goals or your books; you touched it because we are almost similar in a lot of ways, you have made me yearn for your presence more and more, and our spiritual affinity made me do this- write this DIVA letter – “because of you, I feel no shame, I'll tell the world and I do not care what this letter puts me”,.

 

Just like any other woman I just want to be accepted, cared, kissed, hugged, understood when I cry and yell, loved even when I make mistakes and told that everything is going to be okay when I feel so down and feel like letting go. How I wish you can love me the way I want to be loved. But well, can I love you the way you want to be loved? I do not know, what I am certain is that I have always been waiting for your call or text to tell you all these. Are we willing to make something out of a broken bowl? What I know is that “this time I am not gonna let you slip away, this time I am not gonna let go of your love, and this time I promise you that we will rise above it all.”

 

Gandhi said that evil only occurs in our hearts and now (huh – sigh of relief!) I want to take that evil – pride – away from me by laying my heart bare and allowing it to be vulnerable again without calculating the risk. Do you think we can still work it out? Now that I am saying yes to faith because I believe in myself, will you still be willing to take it despite? Mommy would always tell me that love is about taking risks and making commitments despite its uncertainty. Now that I am willing to take up the challenge, are you?

 

(“,) Love,

 

Rita

[bods1000]

Y

 

Your absence engenders fears as doubts gnaw at my being, but the promise of joy of seeing you again in the future buoys up my spirits....even if this piece is erased, these thoughts remain..........

 

N

[Wyld]

you...yep you!

 

i just have realized what absence does.

 

it tears at ones insides.

it gnaws at ones senses.

 

it makes one feel small.

forgotten.

dismal.

weary.

 

i hate absence.

 

i hate YOUR absence.

 

-k

[bods1000]

My isolation widens and longing grips my heart like a vise. But when I recall the way your skin touches my skin as our bodies fuse, my emptiness dims and nothingness gives way to joy........

i love you sweetie................

[DELISYUS]

psssttttt... you...

 

http://www.angelfire.com/blog2/nawawalangbata/pictures/love_pic2.jpg

[Z]

Dear M,

 

Your email the other day was a pleasant surprise, more so my call. Imagine after so many months of losing touch. The thing is it was just that and whichever way this friendship goes doesn't matter. It was a romantic fantasy, perhaps a whim on my part which I was capable of making real if only there was something to build on. You were aware of my feelings and I never hid them. Now the past is past and I'm a million miles from that moment. Such what if's are just a waste of my thoughts and time. What I'd like to know is what kind friend are we to each other? Regardless, it was a happy thought and a happy moment so there it says.

 

Love,

 

E

Edited May 1, 2004 by Z

[in_style]

fzr,

 

hi B! just wanna thank you for calling me. i am overwhelmed by the effort (and yes, by the expense!). two hours of overseas call isnt cheap. thanks for staying up late and waking up early just to compensate for the time diff.

 

thanks for brightening my day and calming down my nites. i can only wish things will move right.

 

take care, B!

 

- xtn

[QuaIZzEY]

mAIL to self:

 

ano ba pinagagawa mo?mag aral ka na nga hehe

[roxysnonie]

honey...

 

i laid my cards, all of it, on the table

as you laid yours as well

now theres no more secrets, nor skeletons in the closet

 

you try and learn my world

as i try and understand yours

and with it, comes patience and understanding

 

we revolve in such an amazing place

packed with searchers, posers and yes friends

of which sometimes its hard to tell

 

fear for me not

for i have been to where they are going

i fear most, not for me, but for you

 

offers of good tidings, company, yes friendship too

set to weave and test

how strong and willful are you

 

i can only be there for you

at times, not all the times

so i pray do beware

 

hidden agendas, peoples mind games

all covered up

with sugar and spice, to look very nice

 

so this i say and pray,

the truth always has its way

in fact it has the final say.

[Mayella]

dear B,

 

yesterday was one of the happiest in a long time. i wasn't expecting it to turn out that way. it was just so amazing that things felt so right yet we both know it was so wrong as well.

 

after yesterday, things aren't the same for me anymore. i thought i'd be happy but it was short-lived. funny, but, deep inside, i knew it all along. sometimes, you just have to try it out yourself to learn the hard way. now, i end up hurting, so bad, in fact.

 

i don't know where this is headed and i'm scared as hell. i don't want to know.

 

L

Edited May 21, 2004 by mayella76

[Zerreit]

Dearest Grandma,

 

I still can't believe you are gone. It's been almost 5 months and I still haven't quite grasped your death.

 

Everytime I visit your home, I see you, I feel your presence. Visiting that house gives me fond memories. I grew up there. But now, everytime I go there, the memories are different.

 

I am reminded of your death. Reminded of the wake, the tears, the agony, the pain. Reminded of a bittersweet family reunion.

 

It hasn't been the same since you were taken away from us. You have kept this family together and you have done a very good job. Now that you're gone, that task has been delegated to me. I am frightened that I won't do a good job. I need you to guide me. I need your help in keeping this family together, grandma. You have been always strong, brave, and feisty. Your blood runs through my veins, I need those traits to manifest now more than ever.

 

I love you grandma. I am so sorry I didn't say it more often. But I hope you get to read this. I miss you and I love you. We all do.

 

This family is your legacy and I will take care of it.

 

Love,

L

[Nene]

We can never be... why? Because we are just friends, really good friends, and you don't want to ruin that... but you kissed me!

 

You said that it meant nothing and that you have too much respect for our friendship. Damn it! if you were just to give me one chance, I could show you that it could be amazing. I just want you to take a risk and see how good it would feel.

 

I know that things could never be the same again but that's what life is about... taking risks! I could make you so happy. There's more to life than just sitting around waiting for something to happen; life will then just pass us by.

 

I love you and if you have not seen that by now then you are blind. I used to think it was just your looks but then I realized it's the inside that makes my heart beat at this pace. You make my life worth living.

 

We can never be... why? Because we are just friends, really good friends, and youre committed to someone already.

 

You will be in my heart forever, even if it is just as friends.

Edited May 3, 2004 by Nene