chiquezee

Woman's intuition is very keen, indeed.... And I've proven mine. And I trust mine. And I know that sinking feeling deep in my gut.

It isn't just overly sensitive. Also very perceiving, and accurate, and smart...

.... but I may be wrong. Thing is, the sinking feeling deep in my gut betrayed me.... And its a damn sinking feeling... and I shouldn't even be feeling it....

(there, it's off my chest...)

It could have be an eclipse. A moment ago, I was okay, and then, unintentionally, sorting through mails, I came across your writings. Now I am melancholic, with deep musings that I can't even write about. That, or I may be manifesting symptoms of bi-polar tendencies.

You got me sad.

right under. pinned under. in complete surrender...

What I was saying was you can actually change your mind. The change of things or the consequent changing of what is, is inevitable, as we are exposed to the many at any given time. The environment that we move in and the influence of the things that we are constantly exposed to can make one change mind. There is nothing dishonorable in actually admitting that what you are thinking of yesterday is not the same thing anymore today.

There can be no reason for revolution if we constantly evolve. So don't prevent yourself from evolving.

What you really want in a revolution is change. A drastic change with drastic means. If we, however, continue to respect evolution and adhere to the demands of the dynamism theory, enabling us to make the changes consistently and continuously, then there will be no reason for stagnation, nor will we require a revolution.

And of course, these are all in the realm of personal development only.

I know you are getting me.

- C

G -

You have nothing else to prove.

You bear 7000 feathers. Each one different from the other. Like finger prints, all, so distinctly yours. While others transform like chameleons, taking on the shape and form of those around them, you are never influenced by the docile. You have remained as you are. Undaunted.

You sail directly where lesser birds are rocked and tilted by the air currents. Boldly, you stare at the sun directly, not fearful of blindness, seeing every spectrum that ought to be seen. Not blinking. Not twitching. Not squinting. Full vision.

You give the most abiding impression of power and purpose in the air. You advance solidly like a great ship cleaving the swells and thrusting aside the smaller waves. What else do you have to prove?

Record-breaking, always. From your wing span to your soar time. Was there any who was left unruffled by the slightest wind that comes forth from a single flap of your magnificent wings? No, you do not come unnoticed. Never. Your imposing presence cannot be matched by the inferior lowborns. No matter how high they try to reach, they can never be a match to the splendor anointed unto you. What do they have but low-class world-standards?

Unlike others who carry on under guises of supremacy, you have no pretensions to put up. Even the masks you wear are real. You cannot be unreal. It goes against your character. Unlike others who hide under mythical impressionism, you carry on boldly, with sovereignty unconcealed. You cannot conceal the royalty. You are truly your Father's warrior.

You have nothing more to prove. To anybody.

- AE

Never let her slip away

Andrew Gold

I talked to my baby on the telephone

Long distance

I never would've guessed

I could miss someone so bad

I really only met her 'bout a week ago

But it doesn't seem to matter to my heart

I know that I love her

I'm hoping that I never recover

'Cause she's good for me

And it would really make me happy

To never let her slip away

I feel like a kid with a teenage crush

On a school date

I feel like the lead in "Romeo & Juliet"

I'm a little bit dizzy

I'm a little bit scared

I guess I never felt this much aware

That I'd love her

I'm hoping that I'll never recover

Cause she's good for me

And it would really make me happy

To never let her slip away

I really only met her 'bout a week ago

But it doesn't seem to matter to my heart

I know that I love her

I'm hoping that I never recover

'Cause she's good for me

And it would really make me happy

To never let her slip away

Mmmmmm I love her

I'm hoping that I never recover

'Cause she's good for me

And it would really make me happy

To never let her slip away

Oh I know it's gonna make me happy

To never let her slip away

Can't you, really? I'll tell you what you cannot do.

You cannot just throw away thirty seven years. Ten of which were purposeful, the other ten meaningful, and the seventeen, shatteringly formative. You have to hang on and fight, with every hope that we put together for you.

You cannot make real the dark joke you often threw at me, that you won't live past 40.

You cannot abandon the battle ahead for which you already gave up so much for.

You cannot walk away from your daughter. Nor your family... Nor your friends who love you dearly.

You cannot succumb to defeat and let them move your cheese.

You cannot be irresponsible and give up.

You cannot just be part of the gross and awful statistics.

You cannot, must not leave the world hanging.

You have a candle to blow today. Open your eyes, get up and watch the flicker. Blow it out.

You have to blow your candle today, and stay with us. The only candle we'll ever light will be that on the cake..... You have to make sure.

You have to make sure.

- me

This time, it's your fault. I will have to re-align my cognitive mind to its proper place, but for now, let the hypothalamus do the talking. It doesn't happen all the time, anyway.

If I may be allowed this privilege, sir. Thank you.

- C

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,

or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,

in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms

but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;

thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,

risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

so I love you because I know no other way

that this: where I does not exist, nor you,

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,

so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

- Pablo Neruda

Two happy lovers make one bread,

a single moon drop in the grass.

Walking, they cast two shadows that flow together;

waking, they leave one sun empty in their bed.

Of all the possible truths, they chose the day;

they held it, not with ropes but with an aroma.

They did not shred the peace; they did not shatter words;

their happiness is a transparent tower.

The air and wine accompany the lovers.

The night delights them with its joyous petals.

They have a right to all the carnations.

Two happy lovers, without an ending, with no death,

they are born, they die, many times while they live:

they have the eternal life of the Natural.

- Pablo Neruda

... you know exactly what I'm saying, baby.

Sincerely,

your C

Still, for you...

Even just for this while that you are here.

You have touched me more profoundly than I thought even you could have touched me - my heart was full when you came (here today). Henceforward I am yours for everything.

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

(1806-1861)

yours,

me

(until such time when i have to cease to be)

My dearly beloved,

Shall I continue on with what remains of my 100 years of solitude?

I tried to get you out of my mind for I know you will always be in my heart. Today, though, in the middle of a grueling mental activity, I felt the familiar pang of longing for you and so I let my mind wander to where you may be. That in trying to imagine what you may be doing, and how you may be, I may find comfort, even in my thoughts.

I admit that in some instances I let myself reflect if I may have caught a glimpse of you. Perhaps I was mistaken, for I am not certain if you are any where near. And my soul cries out...

I know with you I can be real, I can be true.

I long for that day when I can be me with you.

You have no idea how I ache. Sometimes I reason out to whoever is patiently listening with the moon, that I do not deserve the very long wait. But then, everything comes at its perfect timing. As you will. I know you will. When that happens, I will know. Maybe not instantly, but I will know, and I will be ready.

Fanciful romance inspires me not. They come, they go. Fleeting, most of them are, if not all.

And the words, though they sound beautiful, what are they? So many can deceive, so many can betray.

But what is deep, what is true, sweetheart, darling, perhaps I have not yet found you.

I took from some their piece of meat, but inside I hunger insatiably for the nearness of you. It will never be quenched, I will never be filled, until that day when you come and find me ready for you.

Many have come, passed by, and left. Some dared to linger, though only a few did stay. And right now, it has been made known, that there is no desire to stay longer where I belong. So, that can't be you, can it?... And though lonliness and sadness creeped in, I shall not hold on to what is not mine... Thus, I wait for you.

And when you find me, and you know it is me, you will not let me go. If you are certain, then do not let me go. It will be very hard to find me again, or to force me down my fortress.

Still, I don't want to search. One day, you'll just walk in, if you haven't yet, and I will know it is you, finally, for I will feel perpetual peace.

And when our eyes lock, and our hands hold, and when our bodies mesh, and our minds meld, it will be wonderfully perfect like the perfect I know.

While that hasn’t happened yet, I am here,

preparing myself to love you,

waiting...

Sincerely,

C.

I need your help on this one, Father.

I rely not on my own strength, but in yours.

Do see me through. Thank you.

Amen.

With something that is so right, even the smallest distance may be too great.

But even the greatest distance can be bridged, regardless of circumstances or fate.

Ah, the agony of midnight madness...

- C

Vrbi et orbi:

Animis opibusque parati!

A capite ad calcem!

Dear Mama,

I owe you an apology. I know years have passed since our major argument and though we have disagreements every now and then, like two strong-willed women do, I have never really humbled myself enough to tell you how sorry I am for every disappointment and frustration, even bitterness, that I have caused you. Through the years, you endured my stubborness and insolence, which sometimes have no excuse whatsoever.

I always believed that the reason we tend to clash is because you see so much of yourself in me. Even my siblings wonder why we can't have a normal conversation without ending up speaking with a tone a notch higher than when we started. But now I see there is more to it than merely you repulsing your similar soul. You were worried I might not end up right and you were angry with yourself as to how I was turning out to be, right before your eyes. You were protecting me, but unfortunately, you didn't know how to do it with care, as most mothers do. Or maybe I didn't know how to accept genuine love when I see it.

In several days, fate will be ushering another milestone in my life. I try to imagine you at this point in your life. I can never compare. The sufferings, the sacrifices, the silent tears and painfully shattered dreams. You stood strong against all tribulations. You continue to stand strong til now, never wavering, never faltering. I cannot be half of your strength and courage.

How many nights have I caught you sobbing quietly, alone in your bed. How many mornings have I seen you staring into blank space over coffee. In silence, alone, you took everything without complaining. How many days did the sun see you go through without a wink, waiting, hoping, praying, constantly... The heartache must have been near-death. Yet you endured, mama. Like a woman of fortitude. Like a woman of great faith. In all these, I have never heard you complain, nor ask why, or why you. Through it all, you never stopped being a mother to us. Not a second.

Though I have always prided in becoming who I am through my own tenacity and perseverance, I do acknowledge your constant presence in my life. The reason I survived my own obstacles was because you inspired me to, despite the hostility and the build-up of resentment. And now, as I enter another phase in my life very soon, I carry your teachings with me.

I know that a mother will never disown a child who came from her own womb. But what can I do, mama, to make it up to you?

If only I can sit down with you over your marvelous dishes, and warm chocolate drink, just like when I was five, and tell you how I feel, what I think... But I am not strong even to do that, though you have attempted several times to reach out to me.

Mama, I wish to make you proud by not making a mistake again in my decisions. You have always known what was best for me, but the rebel child just won't listen, and went on to reshape my destiny, and made my journey more arduous, staying in the wilderness more than necessary.

Now I have several decisions to make and I am doing my best to be influenced by no one, as I usually prefer. But I am keeping you in my mind. You and papa, of course.

Ma, I wish to not make a mistake. The same way you want to believe you did not make a mistake in your life, and in our lives. Or that even if you did in some areas, that you did not make a mistake in your survival, in enduring, in correcting, in following through, to make up for the blunders.

I am on the fast lane right now, and I really need guidance and enlightenment at this point. I need your kind of fortitude. Your kind of faith. And if the only way I can repay you somehow is to strive to have that fortitude, and faith, I will. Through all the crossroads I am passing, I will not crumble.

I do love you, mama. And thank you for not giving up on me. One day, you'll see you did not make a mistake on me.

Sincerely,

me

Buddha said, believe nothing merely because you have been told it. How true. For deception is a craft so easily mastered, by liars and cheaters, both. There are the corrupted geniuses who skillfully play with words and executions to form whole lies from half truths, and subtlety is their game plan. Commendable, these people are, for they not only have the ingenuity to spawn an illusion of truth, but they also have the audacity to betray.

Consider yourself warned. These are dangerous waters you are trying to navigate. Shark-infested, unguarded.

I do not wish to disillusion you, young and feeble as you are, but there are benefits to being told the real deal way ahead. What I do not want to do is to spare you the facts behind Pandora and her little chest of monsters. Yes, Virginia, there are many monsters of which betrayal is but one miniscule gargoyle.

Proceed with caution. And remember, in case of emergency, run to the nearest exit.

But welcome, the door is wide open and I wish you a grand time with us. Cheers!

- C

G.M.-

You can go on with your yakety-yak, I will not stop you. I have, however, ceased to listen since ten paragraphs ago... As I pick up words here and there, you aren't really saying anything new since the last time you tried to convince me that the way you'll do it is the way to do it. I won't. I refuse. I said it before, I'll say it again. Look for someone else who wishes to be confined in the cardboard box you so creatively improvised. The terrains are long, dear, and I have acres to traverse. I have no time for your mediocre plans.

I have made a decision and there is no convincing me otherwise. Even if you sh*t your intestines out.

- C.G.

A fortiori...

With yet stronger reason...

Veritas Lux Mea.

The truth enlightens me.

Fortiter fideliter forsan feliciter.

Bravely, faithfully, perhaps successfully

-C

You made me think. I should be able to have concrete answers. But for some reason, my mind do not work when asked that question. Maybe because I refuse to articulate what cannot be confined in words, for that diminishes the profound essence of the answers.

Still, I will try.

On the other hand, maybe you are looking at it in such a technical perspective that there must be something tangible for the abstracts, when the abstracts themselves are enough to convey what cannot be articulated.

- C

... then perhaps it is the proper time to start the descent. The wilderness is never ending and there is no bloom of a rose. The drizzle had been refreshing, but the soil will remain parched for a long while again.

Thank you for the dews on velvet petals. For a moment there were spectrum of colors, and gold. But I, of all people know, that colored panes do break and all that is left are black and grey.

We are of different spheres and so I lose myself where I belong.

I embrace my reality, for that is all that I have. Yes, whatever for....

sincerely,

me

Jigs,

You never liked me. For you I was the Snow Queen who robbed your kingdom of all warmth and affection. In all the years of indirect competition, you always made it a point to strive to achieve more than I did. Maybe you did not succeed then, for how can you compete with me when I had everything you wanted at that time? I had the undeniable upper hand. Favor was with me. Honestly though, with your stone-cold heart, you were more ice than I was. Frozen cold. I actually tried melting you with my ---ness that no body can ignore. Nobody but you. You did not just not like me, you hated me. Without even taking the time to get to know me, you despised me. Years later, I understood why.

I was very young then, 19?, as you kept pointing out, though I am proud to say, not immature. You told me that so much is ahead of me and that I was ruining my life by braving the situation. I hated that word, situation, and it makes me cringe until now. Not as much, but still. Well, I did brave it and I came out victorious in many aspects, if not all.

But years have passed and the triumphs that I may have tried to preserve then are but memories to me now. Lessons learned. Crucibles endured. I emerged strong. Thats the greatest victory I still hold dear now.

Today, for some reason, I felt the urge to Google your name. Its been a while since I uttered it, feeling the bitterness of poison even in your name that, curiously, shares the same meaning as mine. I knew I was gonna find a considerable amount of material to give me an idea how you are doing. Not because I cared, with affection, for I doubt if I can ever like you either, but only to quell the curiosity as I face the crossroads I am facing now. I was wondering if you have reached the pinnacle of your career.

I heard, from a very reliable source, that once again, for reasons I dared not ask, your misfortune in love and happiness struck again. He left you, like every other guy who couldn't stand your alpha-female syndrome. And I said to myself, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. Me, and my alpha-female syndrome... I have had my own share of holy mess, and I am proud to say I have come out of them still whole. Broken, maybe, but whole. I wonder about you.

Google did you justice. You may be delighted to know that reading through the list bruised me. If you should know, that didn't bring you a step ahead, for I shall use that to further my cause. I shall use you, albeit for a fraction of a second, to catapult me to where I want to be.

Damn, I do hate you just as much as everybody else. For a different reason.

I knew I was gonna find the title on the international release. I knew I was gonna find the title for the national release. What I didn't expect was to find the material you edited for an organization that I wanted so much to join but never had the chance because I am f*cking tied to multiple projects at one time, where I am. That was what bruised me.

And once again, you became a fixture in my life, even for just that brief moment. You are again one to contend with. If I won before, by a mile, I have to make sure I win now, by ten thousand... But as I see it, you had a head start. If only for that, I congratulate you.

It is uncanny that we are never in the one country at the same time. We miss each other by a couple of days. So much so that I feel like I am in the Amazing Race competing with you, though you, of course, have a different agenda, always. Although there was one time, when your part of the world merged with my part of the world and we found ourselves in one room, serving different masters who were scratching each others' backs... I saw how you thirsted for my blood...

I don't think you'll ever get to like me. Especially if you find out that I have actually edged over you in some unforgivable aspects. And I will never like you, no matter what. After all, we weren't commanded to LIKE each other... But even if it makes me shiver inside to even think about the things you have done before to secure my downfall, I will think of them, and my latest find, and use them to push me to achieve what even you have not.

I want to be that strong gust of wind that hits your face when you step out into the snow. Yes, I am Snow Queen to you. I will make sure you know.

For now, gratitude are in order. You are making me a stronger woman, once again, but this time, without you knowing it. Or maybe you do... I actually felt you sneering at me with every letter of the discourse...

Tactics. Strategy. Mission. Vision. Guts. Glory.

For now, you are ahead. In a couple of years, I shall look behind me and find you somewhere, like a speck of dust I can faintly recognize... It can be done. It will be done. I will do it.

C.

perfume

Lord,

Your will be done.

Amen.

Thousands of miles away, in the comfort of somebody's arms,

under the thick blankets, morn, noon, night...

never leaving the warmth, never letting go of the fire

Still soaring. . .