chiquezee

There are different types of masks. There are those you wear momentarily, for instinctive social requirements. There are those that you wear quite longer for extended interaction. There are those which you just keep at hand when the situation necessitates immediate first aid. There are masks that you wear for protection, those you wear for deception, and those you wear and never take off to replace the real image behind.

Mine are so thick I don't know what they are there for anymore.

But I am removing them one by one, anyway. Attempting to do so, at least.

I find this process of removing the layers of facade to be quite difficult, to a certain extent. The flesh that peels off together with the inner lining of the masks (the skin having grown into the covering over time) leaves raw scars that require nursing. And as medical attention would require, a bandage would have to be laid over the exposed wound, meaning that once the veil is off, the natural instinct is to lay new covers yet again, lest you infect the flesh with airborne virus, or worse, expose it to bacterias from direct contact. But there comes a point, such as now, when some would have to come off, despite the risk of exposure. Ironically, the idea behind the removal is in fact, exposure.

The problem with me is, I am hindered by an obsessive compulsion to never be thought of looking like anybody and when I know that what I will reveal would appear to be a result of such similarities, I opt to keep the mask in place. Even if it will only appear as such, but not in fact.

I am trying to deal with that. With much struggle.

However, undergoing the almost surgical procedure has made me realize that the outer lining has mutated into some organism beyond an artificial mask. It has become scales of iron that covers not just the face but extends to the head and down to the chest. I am scaled-down like any filthy cold-blooded reptile that slithers and crawls the putrid earth...

What have I become? But that's just the point, isn't it? To shed the scales and breathe anew through thinner covering, that the image beneath might resurface.

The process of peeling off the masks has become a self-inflicted agony unto myself, for what I am removing is already second skin and a sharp scalpel is required to cut through the thick layers. And how it cuts.

I hope you realize that I am exposing myself beyond recognition; but do know that though singed and seared and mutilated, the essence of my person remains.

For you to realize that you have already met the real me all this time, and to finally understand the image you have seen, is enough reason for me to go through the ordeal of revealing some of the bluest veins that you see through my thin fair skin, under the many segments of covers, one on top of each other.

It takes a lot of trust, something I have very scarce supply of. But perhaps, like the biblical account of the multiplication of loaves, it will increase as my faith in trusting increases.

Cut through the masks now and let us deal with it. Only, let me leave some for myself for I may not be able to bear the nightmare of knowing what I have actually become once I see what lies beneath.

At the end of the day, it is actually my knowing myself that will make things clear for us both. So this is as much for me as it is for you and the answer to your requests. Masks or none.

- C

Gnothi seauton. Wisdom comes from that.

Unsolicited, sure.

Vous êtes un bâtard ingrat. Observez-moi vous découper en tranches dans deux.

Bâtard. Merde.

- C

Its empty.

I checked again and again to make sure. It really is empty.

This was exactly what I asked for, and as usual, I got what I required. Every knot and bolt secured, velvet covering inside immaculately royal, and empty. Wonderful.

But there is no sigh of relief ... there is no remorse or regret; or any inspiration to do the rhetorics. This is magnificent and immediate result of the first class. But I feel no joy nor exultation. Neither did I feel any surprise.

It was done, just as I ordered, and I feel nothing.

Must be perfectly done, huh? Now, to deal with the perfection of the result.

Remember I told you months ago that I'll visit you by Autumn? I always try to keep my word. I'll be there.

And I'm sorry... No regrets at all.

None. At all.

- C

It used to be that when I walk the tiled sidewalk along 5th avenue, you come to mind. I went past Madison Square and savored the wet autumn breeze blowing through my hair, feeling the liberty in solitude as I walked back Lexington Avenue... and you never crossed my mind, not even once. Until you called. How in the world do you know when to call? Are you asking someone to watch over me? It's been weeks since your last long distance ring, and frankly, you haven't been crossing my mind, and suddenly you drop in to tell me you'll get me shoes from Orchard Road? You'll ask the Yuss to bring them to me?

What gives?

HARD HABIT TO BREAK

Chicago

I guess I thought you'd be here forever

Another illusion I chose to create

You don't know what you got until its gone

And I found out just a little too late

I was acting as if you were lucky to have me

Doin' you a favor I hardly knew you were there

But then you were gone and it was all wrong

Had no idea how much I cared

Chorus:

Now being without you

Takes a lot of getting used to

Should learn to live with it

But I don't want to

Living without you

Is all a big mistake

Instead of getting easier

Its the hardest thing to take

I'm addicted to you babe

You're a hard habit to break

You found someone else you had every reason

You know I cant blame you for runnin' to him

Two people together but living alone

I was spreading my love too thin

After all of these years

I'm still tryin' to shake it

Doin' much better they say that it just takes time

But deep in the night its an endless flight

I cant get ya out of my mind

Being without you

Takes a lot of getting used to

Should learn to live with it

I don't want to

Being without you

Is all a big mistake

Instead of getting any easier

Its the hardest thing to take

I'm addicted to you

You're a hard habit to break

Lost in space

On second thought, back here on Earth and finally, finally go to Rome instead of all the countries I am going to in the next couple of days.... *sigh*

Damn.

Why can't I tell you?

...

..

.

The jar is almost empty.

(Soon, there will be no more cookie for the cookie monster.)

And then mold will eat the crumbs away.

But already, they have become bland to my taste.

And I'm not hungry anyway...

... for the answer even before I asked. Ibang klase ka talaga!

Go ahead and send it.

(No, no, no, not yet...)

Go ahead send it..

(Wait, wait, maybe not...)

Go ahead and send it!

(Uhm....)

Patay kung patay!

(Teka! Wag na lang...)

Tsk...

(tsk...)

I won't say I was surprised, but I am impressed. The psychological warfare you waged against yourself proved an effective strategy to conquer the fear. I never doubted the decision to pursue the tactic. Now, you are no longer protecting yourself, instead you are protecting your time. Smart move.

What I am wondering about is why you refuse to cut the cord ultimately. In a very short span of test time you were able to prove that the knot is loose and that the leg stands on its own. What for? I never could understand that. Definitely, its not for you. What for?

Somewhere down the road, you will reach another bridge that you will have to burn, sooner or later. Why wait? What is keeping you?

I watched every step you took to weigh the circumstances and to finally declare victory over the territory. I saw how willing you were to sacrifice in order to achieve the best possible result. How come you're standing by the defeated prey? I see no use for it. Do you? Or are you uncertain of the victory? Or could it be that you feel guilt over the desertion about to happen? Or maybe you have been so used to the methodology and couldn't cut clean just yet?

Don't be like the duck that kept on going in circles even after the cord has been severed. Don't quack at the last minute.

I trust you know what to do. Just don't stay too long deciding to do what you already decided to do.

Congratulations.

Summer is almost gone. Autumn comes, finally. But the surprise of fallen gold brings glitter of rays foretold. It's September tomorrow...

like flesh is on burnt coal

smoldering, feverish

spaced-out

chillin' (the not so cool kind)

Mon Père,

Montre au-dessus de l'amour de l'homme. Gardez-le coffre-fort toujours.

Merci.

Amen.

tomorrow - a day closer to the other day so far away

There are far too many, and I wish not to keep a list. But every so often, I mentally scribble them down, one to ten, and remind myself that should it happen that I am in dire need of salvation, I can whisk it out and use it to save me. It's my concealed weapon. One so deadly I dare not let you know I have it.

It saddens me that I need to keep a dragon pin, but a true warrior always knows how to be prepared even in the most tranquil of times. I know not who my friends are. Every one remains a stranger to us, save for ourselves. But sometimes in the end, we remain unknown even to ourselves. I am a danger to my own being. How much more to you. How much more you, to me, you who I do not know.

I shall not use it against you. I am ready to use it on me, though, when the moon turns blood and the Dead Sea stirs the salt bed. Then it shall be that one sacrifice saves not just one.

I look at you from this distance and I wonder, are you at the antichthon, far from the cool face of the moon? Why do you seclude yourself from the rest? The anonymity breeds animosity, and I mumble to myself, one to ten, like an incantation that shall stir up a sand storm and swallow me up when you move from the other side of the earth nearer to the sun. It can happen anytime. Forbid it.

It shall be bloodless. Instant. I want not to writhe in pain anymore than I already am, whenever I blink and the memories flash across in the speed of light; and revelations upon revelations stumble upon my feet like maggots worshiping rotten flesh.

The list grows, and I write it on a magic slate. Here now, gone the next, and here once more. If it is needed, it shall be of use. Not yet. Now now. Everything has a perfect timing. I am hoping that the time for this will not come.

Then again, I am but of ash, immortalized by the concept of hope, antagonized by the same. So I keep the list at the back of my mind, on hand if I need saving. Forbid that it must be used.

There should never be a point when your grace is exhausted.

G -

As far as the cricket is concerned, the whole auditorium is the universe. You, on the other hand, are aware that there is an entire bigger sphere out there. Do not lose focus, do not lose your standard, do not lose your purpose.

The loss of mystery will lead to the loss of majesty. Get a grip.

Map it out again.

- C

Hold my heart, Lord. Its about to break. Be with me as I go through the inevitable. Grant me peace as I struggle with the pain. Take not away my hope from me. You know the cries of my soul.

Thank you.

Amen.

Where the thumps of one do not faint

Where the thoughts of one do not halt

Deeply embedded where one cannot go

Unless he opens it up and lets you so

... right smack at the core.

Strangely acquiescent.

Ok, maybe it is the armpit. And perhaps the chin. But you do know that between us, it goes way, way deeper. From the very beginning, and nine months hence. One day I will write you for real, and answer the question asked several months back.

It wasn't just during sushi. But that was a damn marvelous day. Remains perfect.

Make no mistake about it. Do not even doubt. Beyond words, beyond distance. I will prove to you that I do.

AC,

I didn't even know you were there. Truth be told, I was looking for you through the crowd, in the midst of the blinding light and thunderous applauses, not hoping to find you, but wishing I'd get a glimpse of you anyway. When I caught sight of you, I felt a lightness that I recognized... a calm stillness enveloped me, drowning the cheers to a far-away-neptune-distance. I paused to relish my response to your presence, not even bothering to question, nor rationalize it. But in an instant, you were gone. And yet, no over-powering heaviness weighed me down. Like a flight of fancy, you came, and went. When I searched for you again, I didn't see you, and it was fine with me. All at once, I let you go.

It was a beautiful, peaceful five minutes. If I do not see you again, which is most likely, I will remember the heart-felt smile that I had, but I will rarely remember you. It was a gift of a moment, when I was shown a glimpse of what else is out there; that I have nothing to fear. That there were people like you who I can depend on when necessary.

A glimpse. Yes, that was what you were. I quick flash of what it meant to hope. Like day-visions given to prophets of old.

It came to my mind that someday soon, I'll have that somebody who will be there to share my victories. Somebody who would smile at me proudly. Somebody who I'd look at and feel at peace with. Somebody who will hush my chaos even for a while and sincerely take me for my worth.

That is the purpose of our crossing paths. In all these 18 months of back-breaking work, and interactions with you which I can count with my hands, I now see.

I am elated by your one-line commendation. Sincere. Not lip service. But tomorrow, I will forget about it. Life goes on. But in those simple five minutes, I felt the sun come out in the middle of 10 degrees chill.

I feel nothing for you, I know nothing about you, yet you embody the essence of my hope. You were instrumental to my awakening.

You are like a bridge between nowhere and there.

I now bid you adieu.

Thank you.

My reason is not in my mind.

My mind is not in my head.

My head is buzzing

My heart is missing

But I feel it beating

In pain, it writhes

In silence it moans.

I have to find my reason

and bring it back in my mind

so mind will be back in my head

and I shall find my heart again.