chiquezee

Para raw akong nakakawala sa hawla nung lunes ng gabi, sa sobrang sarap ng tawa ko sa bawat mababaw na patawa nila. May paghampas pa ng kamay sa mesa, sabay laklak ng alak na di ko namalayan ay pumapalit na sa aking dugo, unti-unti. At sa wakas, dahil sa kalasingan, napapayag niyo akong kumanta at natuklasan ninyo ang natatago kong galing, marunong din pala ako sa ibang uri ng mikropono (hehe, mga ulol!) at tulad ng dati, humataw sa pagindak at pagsayaw hanggang mapagod ang banda sa akin.

Sino ba naman sa kalagayan ko ang hindi magwawala sa tuwa? Lumalabas na sa ilong ang papuring tinatanggap ko. Kaliwa't kanan ang mga pagkamay, pagyakap, pagtapik sa braso, beso-beso, at pati ang mga regalo. Problema ko nga sa pag uwi yun eh, umabot sa tatlong balikbayan box ang mga pabaon ng mga nakatrabaho ko mula sa iba't ibang mga ahensya. Di pa kasama ang dalawang maleta ko at isang dapat sana ay carry-on luggage pero sa bigat ay pina check-in ko na rin. Buti na lang naka PAL ako, kaya waived lahat ng excess baggage fees... Mano namang gamitin ang kamandag at pangalan sa oras ng matinding kagipitan? Suki naman ako... Hehe..

Ok na sana ang lahat kung dumirecho na lang ako sa hotel at nagbabad sa tub gaya ng nakaugalian ko tuwing nalalasing. Hindi na sana ako sumama kina Ichi sa high-class na resto bar na yun. Kaya lang maaga pa ay niyayaya na nila ako sa pagpuslit paalis sa party natin, at yun nga, gusto raw ako makilala ng kung sinu-sinong mga anak ng kung sinu-sino pa... Sa totoo lang, pagod na rin ako kakatanggap ng pick-up lines... Ilang anak ba ng mga may pangalang pamilya yung naka-ututang dila ko hanggang mamanhid ang labi ko sa naka-plaster na ngiti, at mamaga ang dila ko kaka sagot sa pagpapacute nila? Pero ayos lang dahil sanay na rin naman ako sa ganun, lalo na sa trabaho ko na dapat laging nakangiti sa lahat.

Pero gaya nga ng sinabi ko, dapat di na ako sumama. Pag kita ko pa lang sa plate number ng sasakyan, naramdaman ko na agad ang puso kong bumara sa lalamunan. Pag bukas ng driver ko ng pinto para makalabas ako ay gusto ko nang manatili na lang sa upuan... Siguro pag parada ng sasakyan ko ay nakita mo na rin ang kakaibang plaka na tangan nito, at natural, ang uri ng sasakyan na agaw pansin... at alam mo na agad na ako ang pasahero...

Hindi ko lubusang maintindihan kung bakit naging ganoon ang reaksyon ko nang makita kong kasama mo siya, kahit na pa kasama mo rin si Miggs at yung ka-date niya. Siguro dahil alas dos na ng umaga. Siguro dahil ang pagkakaalam ko, umalis ka sa party natin ng alas onse ng gabi para sumama kina Ralph. Nagulat lang siguro talaga ako... gaya na rin ng pagkakagulat mo nang makita mo akong bumaba sa harapan ninyo... Bakit nga din pala ganun ang naging reaksyon mo? Sumabog pa talaga ang kaha ng imported mong sigarilyo...

Nakakatawa kung iisipin. Meron pa palang katiting. Pero sigurado ako, maglalaho na rin ng tuluyan ang lahat. Malamang, ang pagkagulat ko ay dulot ng maling pag-aakala na nagpapakatotoo ka sa tuwing pinipilit mo akong kausapin tungkol sa muling pagsubok sa tinalikuran kong pagsasama.

Alam siguro niya kung sino ako sa buhay mo dahil kung noon ay lagi siyang nagaabot ng kamay para batiin ako sa aking pagdating ay hindi man lang siya ngumiti sa aking pagkamusta. Napansin siguro niya ang iyong pagkaputla at biglang pagtayo para humalik sa aking pisngi... Mahirap nga alisin ang nakagawian...

Sana umuwi na lang ako kaagad para hindi ko na natuklasan na hindi pala buo sa loob mo ang paulit-ulit na pagtanong sa akin kung wala na ba akong nararamdaman para sa'yo... At para hindi ko rin natuklasan na bagamat lagi kong itinatanggi ay may puwang ka pa rin pala sa aking puso. Pero ganun pa man, matagal ko nang napagpasiyahan na mas liligaya ako kung ako ay kakaliwa, at ikaw ay patuloy sa paglakbay pakanan.

Nais ko na sumaya ka. Sana, kung totoo na tinanggap ka na nga niya sa kanyang puso ay maging maligaya kayo. Matanggap sana niya ang matinding alab sa inyong damdamin para sa mga bagay na hindi karaniwan sa iba. Makasabay sana siya sa bilis ng takbo ng iyong pagiisip, at masundan ang pagikot ng iyong mundo. Manatili ka sana sa puso niya kahit ilang libong milya ang layo ninyo sa isa't isa, at matutunan niyang magtiwala kahit ilang linggo ka nang hindi nagpaparamdam dahil bumabalot sa iyo ang dedikasyon sa trabaho na kumakain sa kabuuan ng iyong oras.

Sana magsilbi siyang inspirasyon sa mga nais mong gawin, at sana makuha niyang palayain ang iyong isipan sa mga nakaraan natin... Sana maging kapanapanabik ang iyong palitan ng kuro-kuro gaya ng ilang oras nating pagdiskusyon ukol sa mga isyu sa mundo, na madalas ay humahantong sa matatamis na halik at pagtulog ng magkayakap. Sana makapag bigay siya ng mga pananaw ukol sa mga bagay na mahalagasa iyo, na noon (at hanggang ngayon) ay mahalaga para sa akin.

Sa linggo ay lilipad ka nang muli at makikipag sapalaran sa lamig at yelo. Ilang beses na ba nangyari ito? Pero sa panahong ito, hindi ko na inaasahan na kukulitin mo akong sumama sa iyo. Magkikita na lang tayo pag kinailangan kong pumunta sa pinaroroonan mo, na taun-taon naman nangyayari... Ganyan talaga ang buhay natin dahil may mga inaasam tayo na hindi lamang para sa ating pansariling kapakanan kundi para sa bayan. Ang pagsisilbi mo ay sa ibang lupain, habang ang pakiramdam ko ay dito ako magiging mas kapakipakinabang.

Ako naman ay naririto lamang, gugugulin ang oras sa pagtamo ng pangarap na kahit papaano ay makaukit ng marka sa buhay ng sambayanan natin. Dahil pareho naman ang mga inaasam natin, malamang magkita rin tayo sa bandang huli. Sana sa paglakbay mo ay maging tunay ang kaligayahan mo, sa pagtupad ng mga hangarin, at sa piling ng mamahalin. Gayun din, naniniwala ako na maraming biyaya ang nagaantay para sa akin at magiging masaya ako ng lubusan.

Hanggang dito na lang.

- C

Where a simple but heartfelt sorry may not suffice, may the equally sincere actions that I couple it with weigh more...

I have exhausted all means possible, in my limited capacity, with the limited resources available. I have done more than I can say, if those were not enough, I do not know anymore what I am to do.

I didn't run away from this one and fought really hard...

If I fail this time, then I surrender.

Sincerely,

me

Vicky,

Your timing is always pefect. Thank you. You're a friend indeed.

Mwah!

Truly,

C

Dear Papa, Dear Ma,

A smile is plastered on my face as I sit, relaxed, feeling the luxury of leather touching my bare legs, facing my wide oak desk, in a room specifically constructed with me in mind, because they thought I was deserving of my own space in this structure, even if I am just here for a couple of months... I am taking a brief break and I shall soon leave for the event for tonight. The boss is throwing a party and I shall be having fun with a glass of vodka, not a drop more, dance the night away with bare feet stomping on fine sand, with my floral, tropical laces blowing with the wind as I tilt my head and laugh my heart out, like I love to do. I feel giddy with satisfaction. I am intoxicated with the success that took a year to fulfill, a year less than what is the norm. Record breaking. But I have always been record-breaking in most of the worlds I walk in, in the many aspects of life I touch, with the many people I deal with.

A few minutes ago, the big boss gave me a warm tight hug, the best that her usual stoic and dainty demeanor can offer, and that, with a day still to go. That was unmistakably a hug of gratitude. I feel proud, Pa, Ma, for having reached this point, though not yet very far, not yet very high. A point where the people who matter trust in me, believe in me and accept that I could be one of them, if I am not yet, despite the age differences.

I am humbled by the exchange. I kept repeating it over and over in my mind. The sincerity of the act. Without words. Just a mere mention of my name. The smile, genuine. The eyes, twinkling. Nothing else mattered at that second, and then everything else mattered the next.

To have her thank me for administering such a big task to completion.. well, almost. But it is just a day more. And seven months.

I must say you two brought me up well, me and my siblings, for all of us have reached our own levels of triumph, inching our way to our rightful places at the top, where you have always believed we belonged.

I do know, Pa, that I am only as good as my last output, thus I strive, yet again, to continue with the same dedication, with the same sincerity, to the cause that I am striving to fight for. I got this from you. I know I make you proud. I know this is but a small feat compared to what you have accomplished, but I also know that you believe I can do so much more.

I know, Ma, that you are often disappointed with me, from the time I went against your only request that I finish my degree in the university where most of the family did until the time I decided to live on my own and seek my own destiny away from your constant protection. I hope you understand that I need to be prepared to take the bruises and I cannot do it under your wings. I have to stretch my own and fly. I have to make my own decisions.

But look at me now, Mama. I did take an MA in that university, which I know delighted you though you are incapable of expressing your innermost feelings. I know you are proud that I have a 1.3 average although you still tell me, ever so coldly, that you do not care until I have finished it, and finish it, I will. Just one exam, mother, if that will make you happy, and I would have the first string of letters attached to my name, which is very important to you (although not that much to me.) Then I shall go on and take another one. I shall follow your footsteps, Pa, in that regard.

As I take some time to appreciate the moment, I am reminded of how I started and where I am, not fogetting that all these are but the inital steps for where I am to go, and not for myself, but for the vision that drives me to give much of myself.

Ever since I was in Grade one, you have made me take to heart that to whom much is given, much is required. In High School you motivated me and reminded me that my cup runeth over. In college you said I was chosen, that I must push towards the goal. This is my way of living up to the principles you brought me up with. Along with Desiderta, of course, Pa, which I do not actually completely believe in, but respect anyway. And the Psalms, Ma, which I never forget to keep in my heart as a light that guides my path.

I feel my eyes starting to get damp, surely with exhilaration more than anything. Very few can make me feel this way. Mostly, it is the sincerity of the action or word or experience. No matter how insignificant to some, or how fleeting the moment. The Real Deal. The satisfaction, the joy, is overflowing. All my hardwork, and now I can rest. But only for now in order for me to start again with the next long race.

I want to keep making you proud. I want to be able to hug you with as much warmth and tightness and make you feel the gratitude through your very bones.

When the sun sets, and I retire to bed, what am I really but an instrument to make things happen? And if I am but one, I shall do my best to do it well, for I want you, two, to see that all you worked for, bringing us, me, up the way you did, paid off in the end.

I shall leave a legacy to our family. The family, you Papa, are so proud of, narrating our history from the land of the Castille, the sword fights, the horse back conquests and the contemporary names that my poor memory cannot recall. I have to write them down again so I can pass it on to my children. And the family you are so proud of Ma, that we had to bring Lolo back to his land in order for his ashes to be with the ancestors that I knew but have never paid any attention to, for some reason, when I was a kid being groomed to carry the family legacy.

You both have never asked me, nor implied, but I know it has often crossed your mind and is your concern at this point in our lives. Don't worry. I will not disappoint you. I will choose a man worthy of our blood. Worthy of me.

I will choose a man who can accept the fact that rooms are made for me, with carpets of my own choice, with furnitures of my own liking. Someone who can converse with me and not ran out of concrete ideas and plans of actions. Because then we both will know, he can converse with you, should we invite you over for dinner. Someone who will treat me with respect and recognize my abilities and encourage me to nurture them. For then we will know he will be able to respect you, Ma, and recognize the role you played in bringing us up to what and who we are now, and can still become.

He shall be a man who can be along side me, not mindful of whether or not I take the lead from time to time. Someone who can substitute for me when needed, without feeling inadequate, and who I can substitute for, without him feling insecure.

I will choose a man who knew hardship as we did. Who will not frown upon the things we had to go through during the darkest moments of our lives. Somebody who is not a stranger to the world we move in, to the language we speak, to the air we have to breathe. Somebody who has the same goal as I do, utlimately, and accepts and respects the fact that we can do it differently, in partnership.

Pa, Ma, I can never tell you this up front... but rest assured, the pride I feel now will not remain an empty boast. I shall work towards the fulfillment of destiny, do what I must and make sure that my children and their children continue with the calling.

Thank you for making me see that I have a space in this world. Thank you for believing in me, and thus, made others see those things you made sure were within me. Tight embrace, Pa, Ma...

- C

I see how you strike when you know there is a possibility that you might get hurt.

Preemptive strike di ba?

Don't you think you went a little too far?

Just a thought.... Coz as I see it, it was one to another, which were totally not related, to yet another, again unrelated... And probing deeper, I see some traces of cyanide...

I did write it down to follow the trail, to find out exactly the point of origin. And I saw it. And the next point was clear too. And the other... By then there was no backing down. You just had to stand by it. But even then, for a moment, there was hesitation underneath. Like leaving a wondow open, just in case.

I will look into it deeper.

Another bomb exploded. Four people died. Yes, I am back on my feet. The thought of lying supinely on my back for yet another day drove me crazy. Its not like I was out of touch, though. My phone was ringing off the hook, skype constantly buzzing, AOL blinking, video conference s@%t and all...

Not completely off, but I need the tranquilizer, plus I also need to tell you that it was not a good way to start the day.

You have always been my worst critic and I appreciate that but dear, goodness, I have worked on those docus for quarter of a year. You should have known where to stop. Protection of their rights was foremost in my mind. But the law prevails. They have to be documented, accounted for, or else how are we to prepare to assist them during the most unfortunate moments that people like them often meet in a cold and strange land that treat them a lot less like real people?

There. Said it. Now, on a more personal note...

Do not look at me like that again! No, you cannot see through me anymore. You cannot read me. I will not allow you to see beyond what I permit. I have since worn an iron mask that nobody can unscrew, definitely not you. Not anymore.

We can go on talking business for hours, discuss treaties and finalize outcome documents. We can share our passion for bringing the MOAs to actuality, sign the same pages, share the same pen, but thats it.

I refuse to sit down and talk about it. I told you once, not again.

I do not resent you.

I have no bitter grudge against you.

I just moved on.

Your presence unnerve me. But of course, you will not see that. But the past few months you have been within close proximity has made me remember the undesirable. I have even jeopardized what could have been something good. I never will know anymore, and yes, I think it had something to do with you. I couldn't even explain myself or defend my unacceptable actions because it will sound stupid to begin to say that I have been behaving in such a way because I am paralyzed by memory. It is not right. And I do not want to admit such weakness.

That one, I regret.

I continue to regret.

I do not even know what step to take next.

Perhaps until you leave again to go on about your higher duties to serve.

And that is not good. I refuse to accept that weakness, yet to be human is to err, but again.

Let me go to where I want to. It didn't take me a long time to decide before that there is where I want to establish my foundation, not in some foreign land. I do not blame you for wanting that, after all, that is what you are called to do, to transcend geographical boundaries and use your expertise in the same manner as your father did.

I do intend to go and equip myself, take on greater responsibilities, prove my worth and ultimately, fulfill the calling. But this is where I shall leave my legacy to my family.

For the last time I will call you sweetheart.

Sweetheart, you cannot convince me. Especially after realizing these past few weeks that I have to do something about the blunder I have done to myself, and in the process created another blunder which broke me even more than you did. It was unintentional. I was not aware. I was not paying attention. I was not myself. If I can tell you about it, I would have but I'd rather not because it is too personal and we have since parted ways....

I will go my own way. You go continue on yours. I have to do a lot of fixing.

And, yes, I have yet to mourn. I have to find time for that. Maybe that is the real source of the shattered, silent me that you see, which you have never seen before. I am but human.

Thank you, anyway.

- C

Hey. The smell of antiseptic irritates my nose. Just thought you guys there should know.

Your lengthy message brought relief.

Your lengthy message also brought disappointment.

I was starting to think you were somehow trying to get lost. The question you raised shows that you were actually performing well, in my absence, and doing what I will had I been there. But, dearie, when you bring a problem to me, you should offer me your suggested solutions, too, so that first, you get to show me that you are indeed weighing the situation with proper judgement; second, so you can harness your capability to see predicaments through all available perspectives; and third, so you'd be able to act on these judgements with confidence because you yourself scrutinized the aorta of the heart. In the process, you sharpen your discernment, weighing matters objectively becomes an instinct and hopefully soon, you don’t need to ask me what to do but gain my trust that when you decide, I shall find confidence in your decision, and hear a report from you, rather than a query. Do not come to me without a solution again. You know I ALWAYS listen. Later on, I expect you to never come to me with a problem that you yourself can fix.

In a couple of months, I shall be traversing where, perhaps, you will deem too precarious. I will have to act on sheer impulse, coupled with better judgement, and of course, with guidance from a mentor whom I trust with my life. What I will do should not be seen as a haphazard reaction to circumstances. I have planned this long before. The timing just never seemed fit. Now, it is. I do not see the need for me to explain to you what I have in my mind, but I am bringing this up so you will be prepared.

Get out of your comfort zone, for how will you learn if you are sheltered in the confines of catenated cushions? Be your own and make your own paths. Make your own crossroads if that will help you exercise your judgment and deciding powers. Just do not forget to leave no dust behind, except those that you intend others to bite.

I see so much of Carlos in you that I know you'll go far. And since I have taken his place after his demise, I have the privilege of extracting from you what he extracted form me. But no, I do not see myself in you. Be that as it may, I still believe in my judgement that you will be able to breeze through this as I did before.

Remember that in our world which other people only perceive but never really fully grasp, within the chambers of hushed silence and denied facts, perfection is a must, but excellence is tolerated. And that is the only thing we tolerate. There is no room for mistakes, but there is always an allowance for improvement.

Sciolism will gain you a few steps and then none. You need to equip yourself with what is tangible and, if I may, what will explode when tampered with. We cannot accept duds. Keep what you know to yourself until the proper time of revelation because the privileged information we have are not for the consumption of the weak at heart, the ignorant, the coward, the passive, the apathetic, the pretentious assholes, and traitors. And the people that are chosen to receive the knowledge bestowed on us are hard to find.

Do not mind nor be affected by what others perceive of you but before that, you have to know yourself in order to gain a foothold of the camp. Then you can be firm in what you know and not be swayed by misconceptions, deceptions and ignorant insults. What they know or don't know will not change a fact. The fact is in your hands. The truth, you have to continue searching for. It is not yet within your grasp though I know you will get there. Be prepared so that the clay jar will not break upon the puring of new wine.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

- Mme. C

Yes, V, I speak to you.

My hands are slightly swollen from the hard slap I plastered on your ego. It feels good. I told you I'll posion you, ever so slowly, while you keep coming back for more. I told you I was a couple of steps ahead, positioning myself to a comfortabe lead, watching you wag your tongue as you beat the time to feel the plaster on your chest, with every muscle straining to beat the abyss out of me. Told you you'd fall flat on your face. What I didn't tell you, for even I was not aware, that it will be this soon. Normally, some take a couple of moons yet. You wasted no time and fell in to the bitter snare. You saved me a good couple of tic-tocs. Ahh, such is life for some miserable losers.

I infest your waking moments, while you can do nothing but grind your teeth, locked up in the darkest chambers of your unexplored pentagons. Hmm, should I visit you and gaze at your pitiful sight, curled up as a though you have exhausted every place to hide but couldn't think of any but your mother's womb? Nah. I shall spare you the cruelty. You know I can bear to do no such thing. I only whip the chains on those who have chains to try to whip me with, too. To strike a helpless, weaponless gladiator is classic cowardice of which I have none.

Now, V, that you have failed the ultimate test, do you dare cross my path again? I shall devour whatever is left of your pathetic, maggot infested soul.

No, 18 heads remain. Damn you. You cannot sabotage all my hard work for your personal gain. f#&k you.

In a couple of days, iron will be forged as I will stand from a distance to take in all the pleasure of watching silversmiths hammer on anvils, embers sparking, fire igniting. I am satisfied. You, will partake of none.

ang dami

isaw

new york pizza

rocky road ice cream

deep fried hamonado

isaw ulit.... naglalaway ako....

pugo

shingaling

peanuts

... lahat wala sa noche buena menu!

Re-living the ominous and brooding shadows of the tragedy of Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte.

STAY

when you don't want the other to go

Desire that your life count for something great!

Long for your life to have Eternal Significance.

Don't course through life without a passion.

In a nutshell, why live life if your only objective is to die?

And ultimately, DON'T WASTE YOUR LIFE.

Surprisingly calm, in the midst of a tumultuous mental state. I can't say I'm happy now, though I was some time this morning. I'm not really sad, more like frustrated at how I cannot even explode, thinking it isn't right. I am disappointed that things are turning out so blah.... Sigh*s@%t.

You're ok.

Things will be fine.

Then everything will be ok.

Dear M,

He drains me. He actually does. If only I could be less of myself and be not obsessive-compulsive about some matters then I can just pick up my belongings and walk away. But no, this crazy chiq just can't leave a stone unturned. My desire to prove something all the time will k*ll me, it will. I'm sure. This will be my downfall.

Well, I can actually do it if I wanted to. I just don't think I want to at this point. I'm itching to splice the flesh and whack the bone.

All I really wanted, M, was to be happy in this area. For someone who cannot be impressed and pleased, the bastard just overwhelmed me, and I thought like it was a leprechaun's clover hanging over my head. I had to grab it...

In a week's time, I'll be putting up one of the greatest performance in my life. Let's just see if I stick to the script. The seven days from tonight until then, I shall be preparing, like an actress for her debut. At least, this will not be a debut, I have done this several times over and always got a standing ovation. Applause, applause... curtains down. Encore!

Yes, in a week, I will give my final bow. Then I will be able to say I didn't run away from this one.

- C

B+,

I have been tossing and turning for hours.

It is futile to try to rest my head.

Sleep cannot catch up with my racing thoughts.

You want my masks removed. I have been trying, although maybe not enough for you. Let me attempt another shot, though do forgive me if in the process, I falter. It takes some getting used to, but I hope you will appreciate the effort, as I do yours.

To remove the layers and expose the flesh may be a weakness, or a strength. Right now, I don't care. All I know is I am doing this for you. You do not have to read between the lines for I have said it quite clearly. This is for you.

I am not always rational. I do not always have reasons for doing things. I may not always know at once why I act on impulses. But even though the complication forces its way out, as we have often seen, I will try to put this simply even if I do so without order...

You choose words carefully, and though you use a lot, you do not mince with them. Thus, I value every thing that comes out of your lips, from the simple "I will get used to it" to the complex "I cannot relate to you at times." In the same light, I do mean what I say, and cliche, yes, but I do say what I mean. Kilometers of words, notwithstanding. But you do know that...

The hug enveloped me with comfort.

The kiss burned with more than desire.

The tendreness of the moment sent warmth

Amidst the star-filled mountain sky.

I will not forget how you ordered me out of the car, and admitted something I never thought you will. That you waited for them to leave so you can hug me...... one of the sweetest thing. You never cease to impress me. You continue to surprise me.

And I replay over and over the crucial thing you asked, though merely secondary for you: "There is another view of that in Makati, or I can take you home." You did not see it for your head was close to my ears, but I couldnt help but smile... I smiled for a very long while and I didn't hesitate to say yes. I have no regrets.

As we lay in bed, my back against your chest, your arms wrapping me close and holding me tight, as if to not let go, I felt as if everything was right... and even as I heard the hum of your thoughts as we tried to sleep, I knew there was no doubt in your mind that all was well that moment.

I heard you say clearly that when I said we will not see each other again your feet got cold... that you cannot bear the thought. I felt like wanting to rush for cover, for I might be exposing myself to unnecessary harm. But I stayed put, in your arms. I decided to stay then. I am deciding to stay now. If only you will put as much weight in this decision than in the one that I said before it.

You said you only longed for understanding, haven't I been doing that? It crushes me that you think I am not able to digest your complexity. It crushes me even more when you try to simplify me by insinuating I cannot. Let me try again.

You said I was dangerous. Even that I was lethal. Too dangerous for you, yet you live with danger, danger is what you do... I cannot help if I am, but I am mighty thankful that you were trained to meet danger head on.

The morning, when I said I will be going out (to watch the news), you immediately held me tight and asked me to not go, for you thought I will be leaving already... Funny how such a situation which we both laughed at, can bring me near to tears, as your sincerity moved my heart to bits. Like you said, you only speak with honesty. I see it was wrong for me to doubt. You are right, as always, that I now do not have but words, but saw for myself the action. I felt more from both, combined.

Every time you'd get up from bed to check where I am and bring me back with you, my steps got lighter. I do want to keep going back. As I decided to do now... I have reverted to the status quo, if only you will, too.

I remember, and I will not let you forget, the "Speak to me again. Please" at 4am. You got me there. You have me until now. If only you will let yourself accept that. Never mind the law. I have exposed myslef too much, but do let me go on.

I loved resting my head on your lap as you gently caressed my head... No, I do not mind.... I loved restng my head on your chest, listening to the deafening heartbeat... yes, i listened to it intently, trying to hear what it could be saying. I will not know if I heard right until you tell me. I pray, do tell me.

You had three suggestions over pasta: first is to pretend everything did not happen; second is to go on with the way things are, recognize that everything was, but to take it lightly; and third was to stop talking completely... and you did say I may suggest too...... and this is mine: how about recognizing everything and moving ahead with it?

Yes we will grope, trying to find balance. I agree. It is better for me for us to grope than for you to completely walk away. For the third time, without shame, I ask again, Baby, please stay.

I'll accept the compromise. I'll accept the abstinence. I'll accept even the months of training and going back to their roots in the northern most part, heck, as long as they are returned safely...

The masks are almost completely gone.

I am exposed.

I am at my most vulnerable,

raw,

hurting,

fighting,

bleeding,

dying...

What else, sweetheart, do you want me to do?

The Pros.

The Cons.

Such business-like manner...

Let us try a different approach.

Maybe I need to prove something to you...

I shall fly if I have to

immediately after

squeeze it in my shcedule

if only to show beyond words

for the sword fight is all too common.

I will go all the way up

until the 21st

short of pouring all of golden sweat

and strike two stones together

to drive you out

and meet me

and see me

and look me in the eye

If I have to, yes, I will fly.

There.

As you wish.

Flesh.

Blood.

Now, will you? As I did when you asked.

For I just did what you have done.

Chipped them off, one by one.

Embrace me again.

Hold me again.

Dont let me go again.

Ask me again.

And yes, I said I'll wait. I will.

We wretches live in hope.

As you say.

And more than once, my hope pulled it through.

I will hope again, for you.

unmasked,

ME

:heart:

B -

How do I begin to explain to you what is confusing even to myself? Is my doubt a product of mistrust or a misconceived perception on my part? Do I doubt you? Or do I not trust myslef? Is the question a matter of accepting sincerity, or a matter of fearing vulnerability? Perhaps, even a matter of insecurities unsettled...

Like I said, one day, all those unspoken meanings between lines will be taken for more, or less, than what they were intended for. When that time comes, at least one between us will be utterly frustrated, or severly upset.

You may be sincere. How would I know? Maybe I never will... but that's where the risk comes in.

Lethal, you said, when even I have given myself the modesty to regard myself only dangerous. I take it as a compliment. But words, like you say, are but words. Loosely stated, they can flatter, or they can insult. They can mean so much, or bluff about meanings that which are not there. Is there even a significance in the regard of this person as lethal? Perhaps, more than you know.

Perception often plays a pivotal role in the success of a communication process, such as this one. In this situation, however, discernment is a more necessary skill. And common sense, a greater ally.

As my narrations were never really intended to form a clear picture, I concede, yours are as vague. I have to confess delight for having found a worthy adversary.

There are actually very little from those which you said that draws doubt. It is, rather, my ability to accept them that is in question.

For the meantime, the conundrum continues -- for both sides, I must remain, if I may. For I shall have conceded in some areas, but the rest will still have to be contended, as two worthy opponents slug it out to come out as both victors of the battle.

By the way, the EC story and the apology was never in question. I have seen traces of defeat, even those that are carefully hidden. I know one when I see one. Haha... I had you there didn't I? Second apology on the record....

As for the others, an opportunity will come when I shall list them down and we can call on all the masters to disect them, if need be. Not now... I am too sleepy to think...

The shredded pork, valley of lights, soft snuggles and the scent of intense exchange are still very vivid...Let me rest with a smile on my lips for these may not be again...

- C

You have barely scratched the surface, dearie. Barely.

It would take too much pressure to etch a line on the boulder. I do not know if your temperament allows for patience.

Word of advise, even gold melt under severe heat. And when they do liquify, it when they are in their purest form.

Your insults can be biting, even if you didn't intend the words to come out that way, or to mean that way. I didn't find it funny, though I think you were having a bit of a moment there.....

Dear M,

Several years ago, I tried getting in touch with you. When I found out that you were finishing your degree at UP, I didn't hesitate to go out of my way to reconnect. And I was happy that you returned my correspondence. I remember how silly my letter then was, coursed through my sister, explaining my childishness of long forgotten past. As expected, being the older, more sensible one, you kidded me that most certainly, I cannot be as childish now as we were when we used to play agawan-base under the full moon.

Those were the days, indeed. You were very influential in my life back then. The pony-tails, the walking shorts, big tees, archie comics (haha!), Nancy Drew, and the girl talk I never could relate to, you being a budding teen, and I, a tomboy who loved to play skip rope.

All these memories are passing by me at the moment, perhaps because I feel the need to get in touch with somebody who knew me really well. You did. You treated me like you would a sister, the one you never had. I wasn't as complicated then as I am now.

You were there when I started my career as an athlete. Influenced by your karate-dos and judo lessons... You instigated in me the need for self-protection. We'd wrestle on your parents bed to prove your point, in between munches of m&m's and chiz curls. I wish you were here to tell me about protecting myself now.

You were there when I didn't want to wear the Mickey Mouse shirt my mother wanted me to wear to Nitz' Christmas Party. Parents sometimes have an awful taste in clothes, but you told me I still looked pretty, even with a cartoon character stupidly grinning from my shirt. I didn't even like the color... maroon... yuck. You were trying to convince me to go, red eyes and red nose, and all, from too much crying over a choice of shirt, and that yeah, I looked cool enough.... I wish you were here now to tell me what to wear on monday....

I recall how after that single correspondence, I failed to find you again. It is very difficult to search for you. I tried, really did. Went back to our old place by the hills, only to learn that indeed, your parents transformed it into a commercial spot, bulldozing the fond memeories of our growing up years. I went to the next street where you transferred after everybody decided to sell the land. You had, again, relocated. I tried looking for you in the states the first time I was there, and again every time I returned. Futile attempts. I attempted to look for you when I went to Vigan. Even when I was at the Balwarte. I couldn't find you.

By now, you must have gotten married. You were always beautiful, I wouldn't be surprised if you got for yourself a worthy man. Of course, I will remain taller than you, no matter how much Nutroplex you gulped down then, under the prodding of your equally dainty mom.... I wish by the time I get married, if I do, you will be there, and your kids, if you have any...

From time to time I try to search for your name in the newspapers, especially when there is something about landscapes and architecture.... I have no doubt that by your sheer talent and brilliance, you have gone international already.You did tell me during that single correspondence that you will do my lawn for me. You know how I love gardens....

This is a confusing moment for me, dear M, and I don't even understand why. I know you will, when we sit down over our favorite rocky road ice cream... that is perhaps the reason you have been crossing my mind lately. The need to get in touch with myself brings about the desire to get in touch with my best friend.

I really wish I can, by some stroke of favor, find you. Then I will be able to just be the uncomplicated C, sans the hardened scales I don to protect me from what I have gone through in life. I can be vulnerable with you. I can let down my guard. I can be simple minded, more human, without compromising who I have grown to be now.

I hope to find you, soon.

Sincerely,

C

C-

I have counted the days... I am relieved that the detoxification is well on its way. There will be the usual withdrawal symptoms but I think I am medicated enough to go through that without too much drama. It isn't cold turkey but it might as well not be. After all, the ultimate test of authentic breakthrough is the triumph over the struggle.

Things are going very well, thank you.

- C

Pardon me... I withdraw. It will probably not be worth it, if this early I feel what I dread most. Instinct tells me to take cover.

This time, no explanation needed.

Thank you.

Let me try to explain myself to you.

More often than not, I am a figment of an imagination. I am the unreachable aurora, a phenomenon to watch, but that which will yield nothing tangible when scrutinized. I have established that much, for sure. Yet, lately, I find myself taking form, bit by bit. It is inconceivable at the moment how you were able to do it, and I am wary of the consequences that being figured out brings.

I do not know anymore the type of masquerade I shall engage in to preserve the enigma. The last thing I want is to concede and surrender. Not yet.

I am perplexed that I find myself pondering on these matters that would normally just slide by and not touch my reason... Incredulous, this mess is.

Do forgive me if I am stupefied at times. It is not the lack of ability to grasp your profound monologues, nor is it the appreciation of the same, (although I have to admit you do impress me beyond the usual,) rather it is the paralyzing realization that I just might go with your flow, thus end up, well, unmasking myself unnecessarily. So I keep my horses bridled. Nevermind what you think. (Not because it does not matter, but it is the least of my concern for now for I am too busy trying to figure it out and trying to plan ahead on how to protect my territory to even start about how your beautiful mind concocts misconceptions about my composition.)

Such is this game, unfortunately. I always thought I have mastered it. Seen so much, heard too much. I pride myself in being ahead and seeing beneath intentions. It is worrisome that I apparently overlooked this particular scenario. I admit, I am a bit lost. I do not know what step to take next. It is nerve-wrecking to see myself this disturbed. I cannot take it lightly.

When I ponder on it, I find myself closing my eyes tight, taking a sharp breath in, and wanting to do a 180... I do not want to come out losing, not with this one. I fear I might, because for once, after a long, long time, I am in the middle of darkness... I cannot see.

(Rare breed like you do not come very often.)

If only for that, I admit defeat this early. Only for that. And not knowing the enemy, not being able to see through the fortress enough to strategize ahead, is already rendering me powerless. I have to rely on you, unfortunately. Such is the quandary I find myself in. I am not used to this.

I have to reveal this much, perhaps as a way of imploring for fair play...

I have reached that point where I have to explain myself to myself in order to regain control over the situation. It is not pleasant, but it is amusing.

Thank you for the visit. Seeing you always draws mixed emotions from me. I have never met anyone who can untangle the complexity I try to project in one unspoken gesture... one big bear hug. That's all I need to remind me that under the guise of mercurial fluidity, I am but ash.

I know I miss you. Seeing you proved that it goes beyond missing. I am so proud we ended as friends. I am glad that we can exchange intimate thoughts, still, without going through the archives of what was biting and sweet at the same time.

I don't think I will meet anybody who will compare. Somebody else will stand out on his own, of course, but you, you have encapsulated the very dream I will always keep tucked in my heart, in my mind, in my soul, that which will keep me afloat when the tides ruin the sandcastles...

With you I can be naturally crazy and brilliant without having to feel I am ruining or proving anything. I can drown you with my tears and you'll just wait til I am done, and not make me feel I am a wreck afterwards. I can laugh til my sides hurt and you will laugh along and not mind if I am without poise as I roll all over. I can pour on you all my angst about the mundane and the really heavy stuff and you will disagree and agree, and not make me feel you are demeaning my ideas or flattering me with ayes. You're the sweetest thing.

Yeah, our meeting always brings tears to both our eyes. So what. Its beautiful how bonded we will remain, regardless of how far apart we are, how separate our lives already are, how opposite our paths are now...

I will always love you, Fran. Forever.

You are absolutely not getting it at all. I have to admit it is my fault. It is what I would regard as a rare instance of me admitting I have made a sordid mistake this time... I should not have given you the idea that you can actually tread on it. You cannot.

I have been wondering for days where my miscalculation might have emmanated from. It certainly is not my lack of prowress in math for I have already proven that I can work through the numbers too, even if they squirm their damn digits away from my perceived mental incapability to distinguish an intiger from a variable. But with you, wow, I am dumbfounded at the glaring error I have committed. You are absolutely not getting it, not at all.

I wish I can spill it out ever so gently, as a reprimand will leave your face, and your dignity, sullen for days, even months, depending on the stability of your emotions.

Your persistence is commendable. I have high regards for it. If I were any other girl, I would congratulate you, kiss you even, and soar to cloud nine with the promise of an unquestionable firece loyalty. But get it, man, I am not your usual. Never the ordinary. Not close to the typical. Not at all close to any image you might have etched in your puny mind. But, well, my mistake. My ugly, dirty mistake.

I could even venture into analyzing this as a weakness on my part at the time when signals were sent. Your spheres, mister, is definitely not in conjunction with mine. My nebula will suck whatever air of life you have in yours. You will not survive. You cannot cope. You must see that. I cannot understand why you cannot.

Perhaps it is the simplicity of your thinking that messes the translation up.

Let me try again.....

Dearie, I cannot let myself catch me lowering my standards for anybody. Not you, most definitely.

That is the most gentle way I can put it. I am sorry I made the mistake. Even I do not know how to flush away the stinking s@%t. You have tresspassed and I cannot even hold you accountable. I opened the gate myself.

Damn that moment of incoherence. Damn that moment when I thought I can actually go down from where I am and try to feel the normalcy appreciated by others. Damn it, I have caused myself to fail and dragged you along with the lapse of judgement. It must not happen again.

For now, I will wait until such time you tire for I honestly think you will not reach that point where you will stop because you finally understand. And that, my dear, is why I simply can't.