Writings of the Heart

[neville]

It'll be okay.

Just be positive

 

He cancelled. And i won't see him this weekend.

 

My crazy family will drive me up the wall, instead.

 

Uh-oh. Haha!!!

[bher2]

it was the plan...

to walk away from you,

so you could have a life of your own.

that's how i love you,

for i couldn't take the chance to hurt you.

[juicypoozy]

You are the one who makes me happy .. And i love you very much

[*Jessie*]

Confessions of an Ex-Stalker

Contributed by raptor (Edited by mimi)

Peyups.com

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Have you ever fallen for a girl you met online? I know what you’re thinking. It’s crazy, stupid, a waste of time. I thought that way, too, until it happened to me.

 

When you’re playing counter-strike (CS) online over at Destiny, you do not expect to find a girl fragging enemy heads with you. Yes, some “girls” do play but most are poseurs, even gay. The first time I saw her CS nickname, that’s what I thought: another impostor. She was stumbling all the time, always looking the wrong way.

 

Her nickname is Trin. Her first name is Trinity. She lives somewhere in Makati. She studies in UP Diliman, as I do. She doesn’t give her last name and exact address.

 

I was content on watching her play. At times, she plays well, fragging two or three enemies in succession. Yet her deaths always outnumbered her kills (as far as I know). Did she ever complain? No. Did she ever lash out at the cheaters? Not that I know of. She seemed to be happy just shooting the crap out of enemies.

 

Which included her ex-boyfriend. One very late night last November, around 2am, I joined a CS session with her in it. She was chatting with a guy while waiting for the next round to begin. After several frustrated attempts by the guy, she confided that she was playing CS as an outlet for her anger. You see, she said, my boyfriend is with a girl at Eastwood at this very moment, and will someone please k*ll them both? It made me laugh, until I realized how hurt she was. All guys are bastards, she said, you could never trust them. I did not have the guts to chat with her but I could feel her pain.

 

She became more melancholic after that. Instead of posting inane messages like “mga gago teammates ko” like the other players, she would post song-quotations like “I wanna stand with you on a mountain, I wanna bathe with you in the sea, I wanna lay like this forever, until the sky falls down on me” to no one in particular.

 

She was above it all. How could you not like a girl who plays counter-strike yet quotes Savage Garden? As it turned out, she likes playing CS while listening to her MP3s.

 

She can be naïve at times. In a CS chat session, she revealed that one time, she gave her cell number to a guy who then immediately posted it for the other guys. Afterwards, according to her, she began getting texts and calls from strangers. She was furious during the chats, trying to track the bastard, to no avail. In the end, all she could say was that all guys are truly bastards.

 

Sometimes she would keep silent, even when others tried to talk to her. But one time, I caught her alone in a map, shooting at ghost terrorists. After a few rounds, I tried saying hi to her. She replied with “Hello my friend, we meet again, it’s been a while, where should we begin, feels like forever…” When I saw that, my heart melted. It was from my favorite song, My Sacrifice, by Creed. She didn’t know it at that time. Whatever happens, I thought, this girl will be special.

 

She told me why she doesn’t chat on yahoo anymore; instead she likes to play CS while chatting and listening to her MP3s (how cool could she get!). She made me laugh when she said that CS “cheaters cheat so others won’t know they have one less ball.” She also answered a question that had been bugging me: she plays late at night simply because she is finding it hard to sleep at night. To tire her mind, she plays CS.

 

I called her once before while she was playing, just to check if she was for real. (Yes, I got her number from the posts.) What came out of my cell’s speaker was the sweetest voice I have ever heard. It was a simple “hello, who’s this” but my heart skipped a beat. I introduced myself as someone else and asked her what she was doing. She responded by saying she was playing counter-strike. I was too nervous to talk more so I ended the call.

 

Not content with that, I tried finding her on campus, since I know her course. It was nearly impossible because UP students could be taking any class anytime. Fortunately, her course does not have that much students. I found her by simply asking a department staffer if he knows Trinity. Yes, he said. When I asked where she is, he said he saw her go to Dr. *****’s class at the corner room. All I had to do was ring her phone while watching the class.

 

When I did so, it was hard to reconcile the submachine gun-toting Trinity that I know with the lovely girl who answered her phone. She had long, shiny black hair like in the commercials. Her skin was very pale; she didn’t have any nail polish. She couldn’t have been more than 5’5’’ but she sat tall. She had bright round eyes, her lips full even at a distance. It was the same sweet voice. When I hang up, she did the same. I realized then why the department staffer knew her.

 

She was lovely, in the truest sense of the word.

 

I realized, too, what I had to do. Before I fall in a bottomless abyss, before I trap myself in an impossible quicksand, I had to stop thinking about her. She was out of my league.

 

Nowadays, I still miss chatting with her, but I don't dare anymore. I still catch her playing very late, her score as bad as it gets. The guys continuously harass her, mocking her score. Trin, enigmatic as ever, just replies with a smiley.

 

What they don’t know is that they are playing with the loveliest counter-strike player on the internet.

[silvervic]

I want to share one from the ramblings I posted on my personal FB page last Oct. 4, 2013:

 

"What's lost is lost for good. Don't dwell on the sadness but don't forget the pain. Learn. Look back then look ahead and pick up the remnants and create something new. Eureka Moment: To those who broke me in the past, I'm still here, better and ready to get broken again, so that I can build again a new and better me."

 

Like the phoenix, I, too, will rise from the ashes of the past heartaches and blaze my way into the future.

[clandestinecuddles]

I miss the way you shower me with attention. Am I just being insensitive and unreasonable?

[Archus]

A good read. Enjoy:

 

My wife got sick. She was constantly nervous because of problems at work, personal life, her failures and children. She lost 30 pounds and weighted about 90 pounds. She got very skinny and was constantly crying. She was not a happy woman. She had suffered from continuing headaches, heart pain and jammed nerves in her back and ribs. She did not sleep well, falling asleep only in the mornings and got tired very quickly during the day. Our relationship was on the verge of a break up. Her beauty was leaving her somewhere, she had bags under her eyes, she was poking her head, and stopped taking care of herself. She refused to shoot the films and rejected any role. I lost hope and thought that we’ll get divorced soon… But then I decided to act. After all I’ve got the most beautiful woman on earth. She is the idol of more than half of men and women on earth, and I was the one allowed to fall asleep next to her and to hug her. I began to shower her with flowers, kisses and compliments. I surprised and pleased her every minute. I gave her a lot of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends. You won’t believe it, but she blossomed. She became better. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and loved me even more than ever. I had no clue that she CAN love that much.

 

And then I realized one thing: the woman is the reflection of her man.

 

If you love her to the point of madness, she will become it.

 

Brad Pitt

 

 

[neville]

Kaya paLa kitang huwag pansinin. kakaiba sa pakiramdam, pero sige lang. Manhid na ko.

 

Buti na lang may iba akong pinagkakaabalahan ngayon.

 

Belat.

[*Jessie*]

I am yet to find you. I am yet to know you

see the deeper side of you.

I am yet to hear, I am yet to see

how beautiful you are for real, just like in my memory.

 

I am yet to discover your likes and dislikes

I am yet to dig you're weirdo side.

I am yet to learrn, argue and later on understand

your moral principles that sometimes clash with mine

 

We are yet to fight, we are yet to disagree

Get mad sometimes, not always a fun story

But at the end of the day, I hope you'll hug me

And say "I don't want us to go to bed, with you mad at me"

 

I am yet to feel the warmth of your hand

the softness of kiss, the passion in your eyes

I am yet to fall so in love with you

and be driven be crazy through and through

 

And with all madness life will bring

I am yet to prove that through thick or thin

You will stand by me, as I stand by you

Till our hair turns grey, our love will be true.

[neville]

i hope your coming back is more permanent this time. I'm willing to be a very behaved girl just for you.

 

Except in the bedroom with you. :-D

 

I love how you'd go caring and dominant on me at the same time. I bet you'd go ballistic when you see the timestamp of my post.

 

May my instincts be right this time. :-)

[Pitik]

hold on, hold on, a little bit longer

i'm almost there so don't give up on me

damn you, just stay

[Pitik]

Does he notice me? Does he hear my heart screaming his name-- sometimes it's so loud I think the Gods can hear my pain. His voice is so mellifluous, oh to get just one small kiss.

-josie geller

[Lady Sansa]

Dear Young Woman with the Shitty Boyfriend,

 

Your boyfriend is a total clown. Frankly, you have very nice hair and I think you deserve better.

 

My suspicions about him first arose shortly after I sat down. Despite the fact you both appeared to be writing essays (a fact later confirmed when he took it upon himself to tell you exactly what was wrong with yours), he spent a significant amount of time bopping along to the cafe’s music system while simultaneously pretending to type. I say ‘pretending’ because I refuse to believe that anyone can seriously focus on writing (an academic essay no less) while shaking their head to the Bruno Mars and grunt-humming under their breath.

 

AdvertisementThe thing is, everyone’s been out with obnoxious gits. It’s part of the glorious tableaux of romantic experience - we put up with dating assholes so that later on we can dine out on the tales of all the things they did that defy human understanding. I’ve gotten huge mileage out of the guy who turned to me with an admiring look and said ‘Well done’ when I told him I’d be paying for my own meal on a first (and last) date. And I’m sure somewhere out there, a man is entertaining whole swathes of people with the story of how I lectured him on abortion rights before the main course had arrived. We make mistakes, and we date mistakes. And we survive.

 

But I didn’t like how your boyfriend undermined your intelligence when you asked him for his opinion on your essay. I didn’t like that he suggested it carried all the sophisticated analysis of a 15 year old’s paper, and that HE would never make that mistake. I did like that you corrected him when he then tried to lay claim to always receiving High Distinctions, but I didn’t like how it led him to turn on you in a huff and decide to give you the silent treatment.

 

Being subjected to the silent treatment, that cold withdrawal of acknowledgement, because you’ve stood up for yourself and asserted your right to be treated with respect - even in disagreement - is a bad sign in a relationship. Eventually, you’ll find that you twist and conform and tread lightly just to avoid being punished for having a different opinion and being unafraid to share it.

 

Do not give your time, energy and love to someone who’s intent on making you feel like you might not be as smart as them. Because one day, you might start to believe it. And that would be a terrible shame.

 

We have to make our own mistakes, I know that. In the end, it won’t matter much what I say and I’m certainly not trying to make you or anyone else feel like you might need help to understand these things. I know that you’re fine on your own.

 

But I’m writing this mainly because of what happened when your boyfriend went to the toilet. I took the opportunity of his absence to tell you to trust your instincts when it comes to your brain and your writing; to let you know that there was at least one person present who might also see those gaslights that occasionally flicker in the room that houses your relationship. And rather than telling me to get lost or to mind my own business (which would be your right), you seemed relieved and thankful - as if maybe you needed to hear it, because you weren’t quite sure if that troubled grey cloud hanging over your head was real or all in your head.

 

We women aren’t really taught to trust our instincts. Instead, we’re taught to be polite. To bend and fold in the face of opposition. We are expected to maintain the illusion of feminine compliance, lest we deal with the consequences of defying it. I know what it feels like to sit there quietly as someone lists all of my faults, and to not know to what extent I am ‘allowed’ to disagree or retaliate.

 

Thankfully, I haven’t done any of these things for some years now. And while it doesn’t always make me happy, it never makes me feel trapped.

 

 

Love,

 

 

Anais

 

 

[wjc-934]

 

Alam mo na ito dahil sinabi ko na sa iyo ng paulit-ulit. Gusto kita. As in gustong-gusto kita. Wala ka naman sinabi tungkol duon. Hindi ka naman nandiri o naging ilang pero wala ka rin namang ginawa. Ang sabi mo lang hindi ka handang pumasok sa isang relasyon ngayon, na hindi ka naghahanap ng boyfriend at sa tingin mo naman ay di rin nabababagay sa akin ang magka-fling lang. O sige!

[shhhhhh]

I admit it...I'm scared...scared of love...scared of trust...but most of all scared to let someone else in my life...scared to open my heart to anyone else...because the last time i let someone hold my heart...they dropped it and, like a vase, it shattered as soon as it hit the floor. last time i let someone be my everything...i turned around...and found that, in just one swift move, i had nothing.

- "a broken heart"

[startsaulo]

i miss you so much...

[dama-di-rosso]

welcome back bonito. welcome back.

[Bameboy]

I admit it...I'm scared...scared of love...scared of trust...but most of all scared to let someone else in my life...scared to open my heart to anyone else...because the last time i let someone hold my heart...they dropped it and, like a vase, it shattered as soon as it hit the floor. last time i let someone be my everything...i turned around...and found that, in just one swift move, i had nothing.

- "a broken heart"

Wow very nice piece

[CLIT TORRES]

Would it be a different year? Wish I could hold you longer, see you longer . You're here but your heart isn't.

[kimB3RLy]

Be not afraid, to my heart I plead

It could be worth a chance, not a tear to shed

It will all be fine, there’s nothing to dread

It could then be cleared, as roses red

Chained heart and thought will soon be freed

Be not afraid, my heart, I plead

Just love and enjoy, It’s ok to bleed

[THE DESTROYER]

"Always Take good care of yourself"

[eva.marie]

Do you ever think of me? Sometimes?

 

I wonder....

 

I still do. A lot of the time.

[kissandfondle]

I didnt think of you the past few days. Im moving on. !!!!

[shhhhhh]

i know you'd agree with this , " Without music, life would be a mistake." and songs can say it best....

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart.

Without saying a word, you can light up the dark.

 

Try as I may, I could never explain

What I hear when you don't say a thing.

 

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me.

There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me.

You say it best when you say nothing at all.

 

thank you for the flicker of hope in each day.

[kimB3RLy]

Gaze so far

tears welling up, ready to burst

afraid to meet your eyes

for i know i will break

i can lie no more

myself shall give in and away

you held my hand

stares pierced deep down my very soul

the words i dreamed of all night

my prayers ever since the world ran out of life

did you utter the lines

or was it just me?

I still can't believe am hearing all my wishes come to me

tears waited no more

in your arms i fell for strength for armor

i was broken but you made me whole...

again i'd face the world undaunted unafraid

i'll give it a chance

it's worth another try

i'll gamble once more