Writings of the Heart

[seandevlin]

Blindsided

Thisstory is about a girl, as most stories here in this website are about. Butwhile most stories here would be tales of how a fellow GM conquered yet anotherfair-haired lass, this one is (expectedly) the opposite.

 

We metat a car wash in early August. I brought in my late-model Prado; she had herHyundai sedan up for a quick detailing. Unlike most of you handsome,charismatic GMs, I am not the confident, aggressive type who can strike up aconversation with a pretty stranger so damn easily. So there I was, just eyeingher as she got down from her car, and giving her a nod and a quick smile as shepassed, before continuing my conversation with the car wash boy busy withengine detailing.

 

In thatparticular shop, there is an airconditioned customer’s lounge where clients canwait comfortably while their vehicle is being serviced. She went inside thelounge, while I debated with myself whether I should go in and pretend to watchalong whatever show was on TV at that time. As expected, my timidity prevailed;I just waited outside and chatted up the car wash boy instead. (I just hope hewasn’t thinking that I was hitting on him, hahaha.)

 

After abouthalf an hour, she got out, having been told by another car wash boy that sheforgot to roll one of her car’s windows all the way up. I froze in anticipationof the visual feast that was about to glide past me again, if only briefly.Tall, sexy, chinita. With a great smile to boot. Man, what I would do to seethat smile once more. But I admit I am getting ahead.

 

Lo andbehold, out of nowhere, after checking on her car, she asked me something abouta lubricant brand whose sticker was plastered at the back of my old SUV.Finally, an opportunity. I made some small talk while trying to figure out somedetails about her (owned a salon, had a Sta. Fe aside from the dinky blacksedan that she brought, dealt in wellness products – gave off the vibe that shewas independent and successful), and hopefully get a number in the process.Tried the old ‘eye contact’ thing to gauge whether she was interested or not,and I could see there was some hope. But before I could get the nerve to askfor her digits, my car was done. I had no choice but to back it up, park itoutside and return so I could pay the attendant. I just contented myself withgiving her the doe eyes (hahaha) and an abrupt goodbye on my way out.

 

She didgive me a name though. So off to old reliable FB I went, after a few days, to ‘kindastalk’ her. Lame, lame lame. I know. But that was my only contact with her, andso I tried my luck sending a message, to which she did not respond. Sobasically what happened afterwards for the next couple of weeks was that sheoccupied my waking thoughts to the point that I was ‘kinda stalking’ her evenwith my wife(!) beside me on thebed, EVEN WHILE ON VACATION on a beautiful island garden somewhere South, inthe land where the pungent durian reigns supreme.

 

Getthat GMs – while the missus was lying next to me during a weekend getaway.Talk about being thick-skinned. Hehe.

 

I knewthen that I wouldn’t stop stalking her, so I just decided to go for the k*ll.Last weekend while the missus was conveniently away on a business trip, I sentan sms to the number which she had in her account, taking the risk that thesaid number might only be the number from her salon. Luckily she replied. Imaginemy giddiness, GMs. The girl of my (wet) dreams deigning to reply. And so whatstarted as a simple hello turned out to be a two-hour exchange of textmessages. She was in the bag, I thought…

 

I justwish the next day never happened. While the morning started off nice (a warmgreeting from her to start the day), became even nicer (an early afternoonphone call she initiated), it went all downhill from there. After discoveringmy real status (yeah, such a lousy liar, but I figured she’d know sooner ratherthan later; and besides, it never became a problem with you, my fellowcompromised GMs, right?) there was this change in her tone, in her signals. Notimmediately though. But there was a palpable change all right. Her replies hadbecome much scarcer, more abrupt, a lot less malambing. I told her this, and she denied. But there was a markeddifference, and that was all that mattered.

 

As Iwrite this, I had just gotten off the phone with her a few hours ago.

 

I told myself this morning that itwould be a make-or-break phone call, that I had no patience, nor resolve, norguts to pursue what in my mind was a lost cause anyway. And she had confirmedas much. Said she was not into this thing, that her being malambing was a one size fits all trait and not customized alonefor me. That she feels strongly for the woman in these situations (as should beexpected).

 

If she grazed me with her dinkyblack sedan I would not have been more dumbstruck.

 

I was blindsided. Only that theperpetrator was in my full view all the time, with well-communicated signals aswell.

 

Tsk. Such is life. Cut your lossesand move on to the next big strike.

 

Or to think things over and startliving a dull, boring monogamous life. Because the awful feelings ofembarrassment and “what the hell?’” moments never end.

 

Draw up your own lessons fellowGMs. I haven’t decided yet on mine. Still kinda busy licking the good ‘olwounds to my pride. J

 

Note: I wonder how it would feel,passing by her salon on the way to someplace else in this small promdi town, and actually seeing heragain after The Call. Awkward.

 

Haha. Never been dumped via theether before, so there. J

 

 

 

Mods: Thank you for tolerating myrants.

 

To TS, thank you. It's overly long, I know. My apologies. J

 

 

And so, wherever you are, Ms. Tosh,Ms. Yosh, whatever, you have the distinct honor of being the first to dump meto my sorry face. J

 

 

[shhhhhh]

"So it’s not gonna be easy.

It’s gonna be really hard.

We’re gonna have to work at this every day,

but I want to do that because I want you.

I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day…"

[tog]

If only you'd given me a chance maybe just maybe things would have been different...

[shhhhhh]

from Vita Sackville-West

" I just miss you, in a quite simple desperate human way.

I miss you even more than I could have believed; and

I was prepared to miss you a good deal.

So this letter is really just a squeal of pain. – "

[p4r33z]

Alam mo kahit magkasama na kayo, sana kahit nasaktan mo ako. Ito lbg masasabi ko, mahal na mhal pa rin kita, wala akong paki kung ano man ang nagawa mo nung nakaraan ang importante aa akin ay mapatunayan ko sa iyo na i love you unconditionally. And i still do. I love you so much YFC. i just hope you are still thinking about me.

[shhhhhh]

you,

made me...

smile

laugh

cry

thank you

Me

[daphne loves derby]

Everyday is a struggle,

 

I don't know if it's easy to handle.

 

The days are getting pale,

 

too serene closed and bane.

 

 

 

The desire is gone, smile no more,

 

to stay is a torture, is it really worth for?

 

The time and efforts were wasted,

 

should i continue discontented?

[Ana Bitchesa]

HIFEW

 

AN EMAIL FEW YEARS AGO...

Good to hear your voice again...nakakalungkot lang kasi naputol ng wala tayong napagka sunduan.... Hindi man lang ako nakapag lambing kahit konti.. lahat naging argument and dis agreement.....

kahit paano its good to hear your voice..... and whats hard pa is talagang bumibigat ang mundo kasi gustong gusto kita makita, mahawakan, maamoy, mayakap...

 

it makes me want to change my plans and future and just go back there and be with you..... ang hirap.............

 

but regarding sa usap natin kahapon..... wala talaga akong solution.....

you have your way or plan to deal with it.... but you know i dont agree with it....

 

deadlock... walang solution.....

 

i have no answer i have no suggestions.....

 

i just hope we can work something out na pareho natin mapapag agreehan...

 

anyway diba sabi ko i'll be writing something to you na parang magiging buod at kabuuan ng time natin together... the ups and downs

the hardship and fun..... the pain and joy.... the love and the hate..... gagawin ko yun for us both to read over and over and keep in our mail na parang lovestory book....

our private blog...

something for us to cherish and remember always......

lahat ng ito is all worth keeping in our hearts and thoughts because of all the pain, hardship, sacrifice we both gave to and for each other.... it will never be equalled

i'll try to start writng.. it might take some time... i hope i finish it soon... I love you switi ko at hindi na magbabago yun.

[shhhhhh]

"I'm in love with you and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you." -Augustus Waters

[daphne loves derby]

Everyday is a struggle,

 

I don't know if it's easy to handle.

 

The days are getting pale,

 

too serene closed and bane.

 

 

 

The desire is gone, smile no more,

 

to stay is a torture, is it really worth for?

 

The time and efforts were wasted,

 

should i continue discontented?

[daphne loves derby]

Your strong words are a dagger in my heart.

 

You don't care even if i fall apart.

 

I miss you...

 

I need you...

 

 

 

There is still a mystery that i cannot resist.

 

Rip my heart out, judge me from my past,

 

your too cruel, I'll let you bleed with me.

 

This soul is much harder than you thought.

 

I'll forget you oh sure, you don't deserve to be remembered.

 

I miss you...

 

I need you...

 

 

 

My heart and my soul is corrupted with vengeance.

 

I'll drown you out so you'd feel my suffocation from you.

 

Damn I'm so stupid, giving up all that i have and do,

 

But I enjoyed it and that's what it makes this heart fall for you.

 

 

 

I will not give up.. I will not give in...

 

You'll see.....

[shhhhhh]

the truth is:

i would love to write you letters.

but i know that when we fall apart,

you will burn each and every one of them without another thought,

not realizing that what i wrote will always be true,

not knowing that they will always mean something to me to you.

[neville]

I don't know how to play the game. I don't know how to express what i really want.

 

Cut though my crap and assert yourself that you wish to be with me.

 

That, i know, is how you'll end up with me.

[shhhhhh]

Samantha,

I have to tell you this and you need to hear it. I loved you since I met you, but I wouldn’t allow myself to truly feel it until today. I was always thinking ahead, making decisions soaked with fear… Today, because of you… what I learned from you; every choice I made was different and my life has completely changed… and I’ve learned that if you do that, then you’re living your life fully… it doesn’t matter if you have five minutes or fifty years. Samantha if not for today, if not for you I would never have known love at all… So thank you for being the person who taught me to love… and to be love.

Ian

[daphne loves derby]

It's too simple that of a story,

Her heart is where she want it to be.

3 to 4 years is passing,

is there something missing?

 

She thought it was destiny,

just like everyone who lived and see.

But she really don't understand.

is love really blind?

 

She gave everything as much,

to think that would make them match.

So far you think its working?

Or is it yourself your really fooling?

 

"Everything will be worth it" - you said..

That your love for each other will never be dead.

Wait, is it tears that i am seeing?

When are you gonna do something, to stop it from falling?

 

She'll be glad to know its just normal.

And as I analyze, you only act natural.

That to love with pain is true and sincere,

Always hoping the end to misery will be near?!

[shhhhhh]

Of course, I like you.

You're fun to be around.

You're smart. You're very cute.

You're different.

You're crazy.

You're perfect in an imperfect way.

You always speak your mind.

You have the best laugh.

Of course, I like you.

You're you.

[pretty mayumi]

[pretty mayumi]

Time passes.

Distance separates.

Men don't do what they're supposed to do.

Hearts break.

Women think what they want to think.

Colleagues forget favors.

Jobs come and go.

Careers end.

 

...and life happens.

 

...But the world would not be the same without you.

but it'll continue to revolve.

[shhhhhh]

I am not demanding, I am asking you to love me for what I am....

[Cuddly Babe]

Hindi lahat ng nagmamahalan magkasama...

Hindi lahat ng magkasama nagmamahalan...

[daphne loves derby]

A mind full of sanity, good thing they invented the PSP.

You pretend to be indestructible,

But deep inside your heart your just too disabled.

 

You chased away demons,

you run from all these persons.

What is it that you want?

Are you waiting for everyone to fall apart?

 

Pls. listen, all we wanted is what is best for you.

Don't get them wrong, cause what everyone say is true.

Pride is the one killing yourself,

Don't forget everyone you ignore were all the one's left.

This is not you, your better than this,

Life is cruel, of course everyone miss.

Your not alone, just hold on for one more breath.

And we will all be there for you, just learn to help yourself.

[daphne loves derby]

My ex sent me this song today.. ewan ko ba.. naiyak ako when I heard it.. ganito na kse nararamdaman ko kay current ngayon. So ironic. Sigh. Eto yun lyrics:

 

We're Gonna Be Ok

 

Do you understand what you're doing to me? I'm starting to think that you don't love me anymore, don't love me anymore. It's been so long since I felt close to you and no matter what I do I can't help but feel ignored, help but feel ignored. I want so badly for you to love me like the way that you use to. Back when we were brand new.

 

Baby if you could only understand, this happens to the best of them.

 

Chorus: We're gonna be ok. Quit pushing me away I know that we've been distant and things are a little different but we can find a way there's always better days. So instead of "we're over" hold me closer and say we're gonna be ok.

 

Well I wasn't sure how you felt about me, but I could tell that you weren't happy anymore, you weren't happy anymore. I didn't want to smother you so I gave you space thinking that would do, but all it did was push you out the door. If I said I'm sorry would you forgive me and let me love you the way I use to.

 

I'll try my best to let you know when I feel we might be letting go. Cuz I'd rather take that chance then feel this all again but if so

 

We can find a way, there's always better days. So instead of "we're over" hold me closer and say (chorus)

 

maybe this song will suit you.

 

"The last something that meant anything" by Mayday Parade - check it on youtube

 

- "i'll be ok", is that what you want me to say??,

[daphne loves derby]

things are just aint right,

falling for u then gives me a lot of might.

We tried to enjoy this borrowed time,

and we feel love and happiness all the time.

But suddenly things were drifting apart,

no wonder why you left me alone in the dark.

but I know it's just part of this life,

just like when you cut me like a knife.

and i bleed...

sure it will heal,

i'll just close my eyes, so i wont feel.

and I wont need your caring arms ever,

For you and I is surely over.

Its good for us both, i feel better now of what i wrote.

thank you for making me special, i'll still be right here no matter what kind of trials.

I wont hold a grudge for my heart is not made to bend

you'l always be a friend, I guess well help each other still, in the end.

[neville]

I wish I can talk to you again.

 

I guess I do miss you. :-)

[shhhhhh]

"in our next lifetime, i'll meet you again...."