The Mail Box

[molina]

REJOINDER:

 

Ok, I'll drop the BS. You got me even before. I could have assumed another identity then write you here to create the image I wanted you to see for my past posts doesn't speak much. But I didn't because I wanted this to sound authentic.

 

Yeah, you caught my attention alright. Is that ok?

 

 

- Molina

[spongebobby]

hmmm. my initial instincts were correct: you're not as dumb as you look or as you pretend to be.

 

you have blended the artful with the inane. the result is elegant prose. hmmm.

[chiquezee]

Another bomb exploded. Four people died. Yes, I am back on my feet. The thought of lying supinely on my back for yet another day drove me crazy. Its not like I was out of touch, though. My phone was ringing off the hook, skype constantly buzzing, AOL blinking, video conference s@%t and all...

 

Not completely off, but I need the tranquilizer, plus I also need to tell you that it was not a good way to start the day.

 

You have always been my worst critic and I appreciate that but dear, goodness, I have worked on those docus for quarter of a year. You should have known where to stop. Protection of their rights was foremost in my mind. But the law prevails. They have to be documented, accounted for, or else how are we to prepare to assist them during the most unfortunate moments that people like them often meet in a cold and strange land that treat them a lot less like real people?

 

There. Said it. Now, on a more personal note...

 

Do not look at me like that again! No, you cannot see through me anymore. You cannot read me. I will not allow you to see beyond what I permit. I have since worn an iron mask that nobody can unscrew, definitely not you. Not anymore.

 

We can go on talking business for hours, discuss treaties and finalize outcome documents. We can share our passion for bringing the MOAs to actuality, sign the same pages, share the same pen, but thats it.

 

I refuse to sit down and talk about it. I told you once, not again.

 

I do not resent you.

I have no bitter grudge against you.

I just moved on.

 

Your presence unnerve me. But of course, you will not see that. But the past few months you have been within close proximity has made me remember the undesirable. I have even jeopardized what could have been something good. I never will know anymore, and yes, I think it had something to do with you. I couldn't even explain myself or defend my unacceptable actions because it will sound stupid to begin to say that I have been behaving in such a way because I am paralyzed by memory. It is not right. And I do not want to admit such weakness.

 

That one, I regret.

I continue to regret.

I do not even know what step to take next.

Perhaps until you leave again to go on about your higher duties to serve.

And that is not good. I refuse to accept that weakness, yet to be human is to err, but again.

 

Let me go to where I want to. It didn't take me a long time to decide before that there is where I want to establish my foundation, not in some foreign land. I do not blame you for wanting that, after all, that is what you are called to do, to transcend geographical boundaries and use your expertise in the same manner as your father did.

 

I do intend to go and equip myself, take on greater responsibilities, prove my worth and ultimately, fulfill the calling. But this is where I shall leave my legacy to my family.

 

For the last time I will call you sweetheart.

 

Sweetheart, you cannot convince me. Especially after realizing these past few weeks that I have to do something about the blunder I have done to myself, and in the process created another blunder which broke me even more than you did. It was unintentional. I was not aware. I was not paying attention. I was not myself. If I can tell you about it, I would have but I'd rather not because it is too personal and we have since parted ways....

 

I will go my own way. You go continue on yours. I have to do a lot of fixing.

 

And, yes, I have yet to mourn. I have to find time for that. Maybe that is the real source of the shattered, silent me that you see, which you have never seen before. I am but human.

 

Thank you, anyway.

 

- C

[chiquezee]

I see how you strike when you know there is a possibility that you might get hurt.

 

Preemptive strike di ba?

 

Don't you think you went a little too far?

 

Just a thought.... Coz as I see it, it was one to another, which were totally not related, to yet another, again unrelated... And probing deeper, I see some traces of cyanide...

 

I did write it down to follow the trail, to find out exactly the point of origin. And I saw it. And the next point was clear too. And the other... By then there was no backing down. You just had to stand by it. But even then, for a moment, there was hesitation underneath. Like leaving a wondow open, just in case.

 

I will look into it deeper.

[chipmaker]

we should have coffee sometime. you look like someone I should be in good graces with.

 

:flowers:

Edited January 11, 2007 by chipmaker

[iwalkalone]

hindi ako ito...wala ako dito

wala ako ngayon...

di ko alam kung bukas babalik ako

ayokong pahabain kung bakit

sana nararamdaman mo

oo nami-miss kita

pero di ko alam kung ano pa ang masasabi ko

ayoko nang magpilit

nagmumukha na kong ewan...

di ako sanay ng ganito...

sabi ko nga sayo...nasasaktan ako...

oo malamang ego nga ito...anong magagawa ko?

parehas lang naman tayo...

pero iba ka...pinapahirapan mo ko

pasensya ka na...sa una lang masaya...pero ngayon...napapaluha na ko sa hirap...

parang di ko na kaya...

nangangatog na tuhod ko kakahabol sayo...

baka magpakamatay lang ako...

kaya rest muna ako....hahabulin ko muna hininga ko...

mahal na kasi talaga kita letse ka!

pag bukas kaya ko pa...

di mo pa ulit ako makikita..

tandaan mo...hndi ako ito....wala ako dito..wala ako.....di mo ko nakikita.

gets mo? kaya...imposible rin na nababasa ko pm mo...

kase nga wala ako dito diba? :cry:

wala ako dito :cry:

Edited January 11, 2007 by iwalkalone

[willow_boy]

Fred,

 

Sorry but your style is way too political for me. Given your position, your relationships with some of the staff are way too friendly to still be deemed "professional". I'll spend the next few months thinking of what my next move(s) is/are going to be.

 

All bets are off.

[pussycatdoll]

Loving you means fighting a losing battle with my head. My heart refuses to make things easy for me. I wish things could be different, but I guess that's just asking too much, huh?

 

I guess this really is goodbye. Take care, you.

Edited January 11, 2007 by pussycatdoll

[Wyld]

 

Dear Pekto:

 

Alam mo, I never thought dadating ako sa point na sasabihin kong pinagsisisihan ko na pinapasok kita sa buhay ko. Pero unique ka talaga. Sa lahat ng tao na nakilala ko, ikaw lang yata ang pagsisisihan ko.

 

Bakit kamo. Biro mo, sight unseen tinanggap kita. For who you are... baggage and all, issues and all. Madaming tanong sa isip ko pero isinantabi ko yun kasi nga, tinanggap kita dahil sa kung ano ka at kung hindi ano ka maaring maging. What did I get in return? Pagdududa, pagtalikod, kalakalahating bersyon ng katotohanan, mga salitang iba ang ibig sabihin kahapon, ngayon at bukas, mga pangungusap na nag iiba ang saysay depende sa kung kanino sinasabi.

 

Ilang beses na ba ko nagalit. Ang dami na. Ilang beses ko na din sinabing tama na. Tigilan na ang kabobohan. Pero ugali ko na kasing di ako tumatalikod sa tao eh. Lalo pa at tinanggap ko bilang kaibgan ang taong yun. So ... sige lang, habang kaya tanggapin.

 

Pero naman naman. After mo ibalibag pabalik sa kin ang friendship ko ... eh di mo pa din ba pwedeng wag na lang ako pakialaman? Eh ... ayaw mo naman ako maging kaibigan pero mega comment ka pa din sa mga nangyayari sa kin? Mega judgment call ka pa din that whatever im going through now is because of some fatal flaw in my character? All those conclusions reached about someone you hardly know. Because believe me what you know about me - you barely scratched the surface. Bakit kamo? Kasi you never listened. You just heard. More than that, you also closed your ears and mind when you didnt like what you were hearing.

 

Hay. Ano ba yan. Just quit it. Quit making me the your amuse-bouche of the day. Quit getting your quick laughs over what you think im going through. Quit watching my life as if it were the Truman show... I mean ikaw na din ang nagsabi, your life is so full na diba? Eh kung ganon naman pala na your life is so full na, revel in it na lang. Be happy and be proud of the fact that, as always, you come out smelling like roses. Charmed life ka diba?

 

Wag mo na pagka aliwan ang mga perceived misfortunes of others, most especially when you dont know anything about what they are going through. Or worse, you never bothered to find out what they were going through. Wag mo na din pagtripan at pagtawanan ang mga trials ng iba. Thats so small of you.

 

Alam mo, akala ko noon, you were such a good person eh. But lately, na re realize ko mali nga yata ako... slightly selfish ka, but arent we all? But on top of that selfishness, you have a mean streak a mile wide. As in. Superdupermega mean ka. Now I know... and I understand. Ang dami ko nainitindihan about you and why youre that way the past days and months. Lalo ko tuloy iniisip ngayon, sa lahat ng sinabi mo sa akin, alin kaya ang totoo? Alin ang kathang isip? Alin ang dala ng malikot na imahinasyon? Will I ever know? Doubtful. Saka siguro, I dont want to know na din.

 

So ... tama na. Just live your full life. Kung miserable ang ibang tao, let them be miserable. Wag ka na mag enjoy sa misery nila. Kasi ... baka bumalik eh. Alam mo na, boomerang effect chuva.

 

I guess thats that.

 

Have a good life.

 

-Karing

[chipmaker]

here's my christmas gift pala.

 

sorry, na-late yung delivery sa akin eh.

 

i'm sure you'll find that handy one of these days.

 

http://i18.tinypic.com/2i0qhxx.jpg

 

:boo:

[chipmaker]

http://i1.tinypic.com/48xafz4.jpg

 

o! bat ako na naman?!

 

di ba ikaw na rin nagsabi na hindi lahat tungkol sa akin, o tungkol sa yo?

 

kaya kung ako sa yo, wag mo itutok sa kin yan...

 

:thumbsdownsmiley:

[Wyld]

Hep.

 

Baket. Pekto ba ang pangalan mo?

 

Ang sabi nga nila... ang umaray... tinamaan.

 

Siguro... siguro.... ginagawa mo nga din yun.

 

Pareho lang kayo ni Pekto?

 

 

-Karing

 

ps - iyan ang problema ng hindi ina alam ang pangyayari bago nanunudyo.

 

- ako pa din

[chiquezee]

Dear Papa, Dear Ma,

 

A smile is plastered on my face as I sit, relaxed, feeling the luxury of leather touching my bare legs, facing my wide oak desk, in a room specifically constructed with me in mind, because they thought I was deserving of my own space in this structure, even if I am just here for a couple of months... I am taking a brief break and I shall soon leave for the event for tonight. The boss is throwing a party and I shall be having fun with a glass of vodka, not a drop more, dance the night away with bare feet stomping on fine sand, with my floral, tropical laces blowing with the wind as I tilt my head and laugh my heart out, like I love to do. I feel giddy with satisfaction. I am intoxicated with the success that took a year to fulfill, a year less than what is the norm. Record breaking. But I have always been record-breaking in most of the worlds I walk in, in the many aspects of life I touch, with the many people I deal with.

 

A few minutes ago, the big boss gave me a warm tight hug, the best that her usual stoic and dainty demeanor can offer, and that, with a day still to go. That was unmistakably a hug of gratitude. I feel proud, Pa, Ma, for having reached this point, though not yet very far, not yet very high. A point where the people who matter trust in me, believe in me and accept that I could be one of them, if I am not yet, despite the age differences.

 

I am humbled by the exchange. I kept repeating it over and over in my mind. The sincerity of the act. Without words. Just a mere mention of my name. The smile, genuine. The eyes, twinkling. Nothing else mattered at that second, and then everything else mattered the next.

 

To have her thank me for administering such a big task to completion.. well, almost. But it is just a day more. And seven months.

 

I must say you two brought me up well, me and my siblings, for all of us have reached our own levels of triumph, inching our way to our rightful places at the top, where you have always believed we belonged.

 

I do know, Pa, that I am only as good as my last output, thus I strive, yet again, to continue with the same dedication, with the same sincerity, to the cause that I am striving to fight for. I got this from you. I know I make you proud. I know this is but a small feat compared to what you have accomplished, but I also know that you believe I can do so much more.

 

I know, Ma, that you are often disappointed with me, from the time I went against your only request that I finish my degree in the university where most of the family did until the time I decided to live on my own and seek my own destiny away from your constant protection. I hope you understand that I need to be prepared to take the bruises and I cannot do it under your wings. I have to stretch my own and fly. I have to make my own decisions.

 

But look at me now, Mama. I did take an MA in that university, which I know delighted you though you are incapable of expressing your innermost feelings. I know you are proud that I have a 1.3 average although you still tell me, ever so coldly, that you do not care until I have finished it, and finish it, I will. Just one exam, mother, if that will make you happy, and I would have the first string of letters attached to my name, which is very important to you (although not that much to me.) Then I shall go on and take another one. I shall follow your footsteps, Pa, in that regard.

 

As I take some time to appreciate the moment, I am reminded of how I started and where I am, not fogetting that all these are but the inital steps for where I am to go, and not for myself, but for the vision that drives me to give much of myself.

 

Ever since I was in Grade one, you have made me take to heart that to whom much is given, much is required. In High School you motivated me and reminded me that my cup runeth over. In college you said I was chosen, that I must push towards the goal. This is my way of living up to the principles you brought me up with. Along with Desiderta, of course, Pa, which I do not actually completely believe in, but respect anyway. And the Psalms, Ma, which I never forget to keep in my heart as a light that guides my path.

 

I feel my eyes starting to get damp, surely with exhilaration more than anything. Very few can make me feel this way. Mostly, it is the sincerity of the action or word or experience. No matter how insignificant to some, or how fleeting the moment. The Real Deal. The satisfaction, the joy, is overflowing. All my hardwork, and now I can rest. But only for now in order for me to start again with the next long race.

 

I want to keep making you proud. I want to be able to hug you with as much warmth and tightness and make you feel the gratitude through your very bones.

 

When the sun sets, and I retire to bed, what am I really but an instrument to make things happen? And if I am but one, I shall do my best to do it well, for I want you, two, to see that all you worked for, bringing us, me, up the way you did, paid off in the end.

 

I shall leave a legacy to our family. The family, you Papa, are so proud of, narrating our history from the land of the Castille, the sword fights, the horse back conquests and the contemporary names that my poor memory cannot recall. I have to write them down again so I can pass it on to my children. And the family you are so proud of Ma, that we had to bring Lolo back to his land in order for his ashes to be with the ancestors that I knew but have never paid any attention to, for some reason, when I was a kid being groomed to carry the family legacy.

 

You both have never asked me, nor implied, but I know it has often crossed your mind and is your concern at this point in our lives. Don't worry. I will not disappoint you. I will choose a man worthy of our blood. Worthy of me.

 

I will choose a man who can accept the fact that rooms are made for me, with carpets of my own choice, with furnitures of my own liking. Someone who can converse with me and not ran out of concrete ideas and plans of actions. Because then we both will know, he can converse with you, should we invite you over for dinner. Someone who will treat me with respect and recognize my abilities and encourage me to nurture them. For then we will know he will be able to respect you, Ma, and recognize the role you played in bringing us up to what and who we are now, and can still become.

 

He shall be a man who can be along side me, not mindful of whether or not I take the lead from time to time. Someone who can substitute for me when needed, without feeling inadequate, and who I can substitute for, without him feling insecure.

 

I will choose a man who knew hardship as we did. Who will not frown upon the things we had to go through during the darkest moments of our lives. Somebody who is not a stranger to the world we move in, to the language we speak, to the air we have to breathe. Somebody who has the same goal as I do, utlimately, and accepts and respects the fact that we can do it differently, in partnership.

 

Pa, Ma, I can never tell you this up front... but rest assured, the pride I feel now will not remain an empty boast. I shall work towards the fulfillment of destiny, do what I must and make sure that my children and their children continue with the calling.

 

Thank you for making me see that I have a space in this world. Thank you for believing in me, and thus, made others see those things you made sure were within me. Tight embrace, Pa, Ma...

 

 

- C

Edited January 14, 2007 by chiquezee

[chiquezee]

Vicky,

 

Your timing is always pefect. Thank you. You're a friend indeed.

Mwah!

 

Truly,

C

[LostCommand]

Pinsan ET and EP

 

You are leaving the country, pulling up roots and re-settling your young families afar.

 

I respect your decision, for really this country is a battleground between major and minor elites all clashing for more control, whilst the poor huddled masses struggle about their serfdom, and the narrowing middle classes are caught in the crossfire of it all. At best, we can expect but gradual change, at worst mere changes of masters ineffectual to halting our decline. And with this move, you leave politics forever. So be it, for our family on your side has paid its dues in blood not once. But three times.

 

You are of course free to go, these wretches here can ask no more of you.

 

Actually, in a way you remind me that I do not really owe this country any fealty, for the past sacrifices have paid us all, in full, and several times over. Somewhere in the Books it is written that the evil men do would last until the 4th generation after them. I risk to extrapolate, then so must the good last just as long? Up to our children, we are freed of debts to country.

 

You have made me again realise that this non-need of fealty is the hidden reason that I can decide the timing of my service, should I choose to serve - I do not have to serve my country now, nor anytime too early; I can train somewhat first. I can choose in which manner I should serve; public or private capacity, armed or unarmed, legal or illegit, techical or political, elective or appointive, quick murder or slow sabotage, now or later, direct or indirect. With deserving arrogance, I can even, in the end, choose not to serve, if the timing and the circumstances are not favourable, or for any other reason I care to name. I'm also paid for, in full.

 

Although, in choosing that which I did not have to choose, perhaps, my decision to serve can better be defined as a calling, and not a duty? I do not know.

 

I need someone to sort me out, sometimes.

 

But do keep in touch. Blood is thicker than water. Or the ink in your immigration visa. And twelve time zones away, but you are with me in a flash. I will have need of you and your loyalty, though I do not yet know just how.

 

Manong