Political Jokes

[camiar]

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

 

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex,and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

 

'Do you enjoy it?ʼ The doctor asked.

 

'Actually, yes, I do.'

 

''Does it hurt you?' he asked.

 

'No. I rather like it.'

 

''Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'

 

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

 

'Of course, ' the doctor replied. 'Where Do you think politicians come from? :thumbsupsmiley: :thumbsupsmiley:

Edited March 24, 2009 by camiar

[camiar]

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

[camiar]

When they conduct the roll call in Congress, the congressmen do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.'

[camiar]

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. PJ O'Rourke

[camiar]

'I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting'. - a famous president

[dos8dos]

pansin ko lang isang tao lang ang KWELA dito ah

[camiar]

Erap was at a black tie party along with Reli German who supplied him with a constant flow of Blue Label. All the gentlemen came in black jackets, white shirts and black ties and the ladies in black gowns.

 

Erap thought it was a boring party so he kept drinking his Blue Label to get him through the night. Then he saw a lady in a white gown. “Reli, that’s the lady I like,” Erap said. “She is a non-conformist and a rebel. I think I will ask her to dance.” “Madam, would you care to dance with the President of the Republic?” Erap asked.

 

The lady replied, “No, and I will give you 3 reasons why. Reason No. 1, I don’t know how to dance.” “That’s a legitimate reason,” Erap remarked.

 

“Reason No. 2, you are drunk,” the lady continued. “That’s your opinion,” Erap said.

 

“Reason No. 3, I am Cardinal Sin.”

[camiar]

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.

Larry Hardiman

[camiar]

'Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.'

Ronald Reagan

[camiar]

Copied from another forum:

 

How to understand the stimulus bill... even I can understand this

 

 

Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor

and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?"

 

The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if

you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend

project, I'll be glad to explain it to you."

 

The student agreed.

 

At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house.

 

The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.

They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student

a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First,

go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can."

 

The student did as he was instructed.

 

The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then

dump all the water from your bucket into it."

 

The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.

 

The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times,

and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.

 

The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?"

 

The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow

end much deeper.

 

The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured

that he would find out the real story soon enough. However, after the 6th trip

between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become

worried that his economics professor had gone mad.

 

The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and effort

on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything

will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is

the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!"

 

The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations.

You now understand the stimulus bill."

[camiar]

Cows & Politics Explained from an American POV:

 

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

 

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

 

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

 

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

 

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

 

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

 

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

 

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

 

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

 

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

 

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

 

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

 

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

 

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

 

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

 

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

 

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

 

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

Edited March 29, 2009 by camiar

[camiar]

Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A.

 

President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

 

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove , Newfoundland , Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

 

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news !

How big is your army ?"

 

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

 

George paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

 

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again.. "Mr. Bush, the war is still on!

We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

 

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" George asked.

 

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

 

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

 

"Lard T'underin' bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

 

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

 

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

 

"Jumpins," said Archie, "ll have ta call youse back."

 

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

 

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

 

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

[rockybrawler]

GMA is the most honest president.

[camiar]

How To Tell if your favorite congressman is crooked...

 

• Instead of calling him "congressman" his employees call him "boss".

• He has a house in your district, but he never lives there,

• The only way he gets to talk before the television cameras is if he has to deny involvement in a case filed against him.

• His guest list at his parties include labor leaders, politicians, starlets, beauty queens, businessmen with lots of money, and nobody from the media.

• Everyone else pays his bills.

[amante]

GMA is the most honest president.

her honesty is second only by the house of representatives