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Writings of the Heart


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  • 1 month later...

Got some to write of my own... Pero later na :upside:

In the meantime here you guys go. ("For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you" :cry: Ahuhuhuhahahaha)

 

KAHLIL GIBRAN ON LOVE

 

When love beckons to you, follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

 

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

 

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

 

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

 

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

 

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

 

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Edited by Defiant
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A STORY FROM THE HEART

 

 

I once heard a story straight from the heart

About a girl and how her world began to fall apart

It all started when she met the boy that made her life complete

Just thinking of him made her heart skip a beat

They were the couple everyone wanted to be

There were no imperfections as either one could see

As the weeks passed they fell more in love and were less aware

Of how often life turns out to be unfair

Until one day she finally gave in

She realized there was no way she could win

She said I'm sorry but i have to let you go

As he reached for her hand she pulled away whispering no

When she turned around a tear slid down her cheek

He just stood there speechless, forgetting how to speak

The next few days were the hardest at home

She truly felt she was all alone

Her mom pushed in her face how she had won

Her dad said "i knew he was just another one"

Her sister said "come on you'll be ok"

And her brother just tried to stay away

At school it was like her friends weren't even there

None of them seemed to really care

Her life had no more color, just black and white

Even getting out of bed turned into a fight

Despite their tries things just weren't like before

Then he decided "i don't wanna try anymore"

At that she tried to cut him out

But the more she ignored him the more her feelings began to shout

When she saw him that day she could no longer just walk by

And before she knew it her mouth opened up and out came "hi"

He looked up and said "so now we're talking?"

She just smiled and join his walking

Everyday they talked a little more

And everyday she began to like him a little less then before

As the months passed by she became more and more aware

About how its ok life's unfair

Because eventually everything becomes your past

But your memories will always last

And with that i hope you see

Not all love is meant to be

But hold on and don't give in

Stand tall, hold up your chin

And believe me when i say

The right one will come one day

He'll open your eyes to things you couldn't ever see

I know this because..this is a story all about me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:hypocritesmiley:

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hi baby,

you better start taking your medicine with or without me reminding you.

we have something so beautiful that other people can only dream about and i dont ever want to cut it short. I value your life because you are a part of me and i cant imagine losing even a peice of it.

 

I love YOU...

 

beyond belief.

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  • 2 months later...

A message in his cellphone..."Care for some coffee?" It's her. She wants to meet. After months of trying to forget,

he recalls the last message he sent her 6 months ago. "No emotional goodbyes. Never worked and never will. Just text

me whenever you need to talk to a friend again. I'll still be here. Hanggang dun lang yata talaga e." He tried so

hard not to reply. He wanted to. But he didn't want to go thru the process for the nth time, getting close to her

again and falling short in the end. The pain was too familiar. He chose not to reply. But after a few minutes,

another message..."Are you busy? Just want to catch up with you." She sounded different. Who am I kidding? It's

just a text message. Here he goes again with his assumptions. When it came to her, he always hoped. But he always

got hurt. Things never turned out the way he had hoped for in the past with her. But here he still is, hoping. He

recalls the text message again, "When you need to talk to a friend again, I'll still be here." He replied casually.

Not wanting to show his vulnerability, the outpouring of emotions for the girl that he still loves upto this day. He

wanted her to know that he was still there even if just as a friend. "Okey, pero libre mo ha. Let me know kailan ka

available. I'll pick you up either at your house or at work." They met a few days after, around 9pm at a coffee

house near her workplace. It was a weekday so only a few people were at the coffee house. When he saw her, his

heart started to pound. After all those months of trying to forget her, she still has that effect on him. He

still loves him. He tries his best not to be transparent. He tried to make things as light as possible. Topics

were strictly work related. Whenever personal matters came up, he would try to divert it to something else.

In spite of this, he would still steal glances at her. She is still the one. He felt it. He was acting coy all

through out that he was caught off guard when she asked if he wanted to watch a movie. She never did that before.

She never initiated. Assumptions appeared left and right in his mind which he quickly dismissed. Maybe she's really

stressed form work and wanted a little R&R. Time flew at least for him while they watched the movie. She would

lean on his shoulder occasionally while watching and he dismissed this as only a friendly gesture. He wanted to

learn and stop assuming if he didn't want to get hurt. He never understood the movie because his mind was in such a

mess wondering what he was doing there with her in the 1st place. The next thing he knew, he was giving her a ride

her place. She wanted to have some talk on the way home. I was mum most of the time managing one or two word answers

to her questions. She asked him if he was seeing someone. Another thing she never did before. He was always the one

bringing up topics like this to her. He was always the one opening up.

"God damn it! Stop thinking! This is all there is. There's nothing more." He said to himself. This brought him back

him back to reality. He tried to pretend everything was okey. That he could be just her friend if that's all there

is. When they reached her house she invited him inside. There she goes again. She never asks him before. Very

unlikely of her. He declined. This was all too familiar to him. "Some other time maybe. Besides it's already late."

She replied, "bakit ang sungit mo?" sarcastically. Images of me pouring my heart out to her in the past came into

mind. All of which had the same result. Nothing. He composed himself. Held himself back. "I had a good time. It was

nice talking to you again" He said. She looked at him intently, straight in his eyes. "May gusto ka ba sabihin?"

That was the last straw. He couldn't keep it to himself anymore. "You don't want to hear what I want to say!" His

voice was struggling. Broken. "Try me." She challenged. It caught him off guard. She always kept quiet when it came

down to this. He backed down. "I can't go thru with this again. I've been to this road with you a lot of times and

I'm tired of the same outcome over and over again." He said. "Baka di ko na kayanin." As happy as he is being

with her, it hurts as much because he cannot have her. She was there beside him and yet he felt her so far

away from her. "Pagod na akong ipaalam sayo lahat ng nararamdaman ko and get turned down in the end. Being just

your friend is torture because I can never look at you that way. You will always mean more than that to me. And what

hurts the most is that I will never be more than just a friend to you" He had to let it out. All those pent up

emotions expressed was liberating to him. He couldn't look at her straight in the eye now. He can't believe he lost

control of his emotions once again. He was looking down waiting for her reply. He was expecting the usual reply like

before. "I'm really sorry but friendship is all that I can offer." But it

never came. No words were uttered. The silence was agonizingly long. He looked up. There were tears in her eyes. She

was sobbing. It broke his heart seeing her cry. The only words that came out were..."O bakit ka umiiyak?"

"Inaaway mo kasi ako." She answered. It was the 1st time he saw her cry. "I'm sorry for the many times I hurt you

in the past." (to be continued)

Edited by Wyld
THREAD MERGED W/ EXISTING WRITINGS OF THE HEART THREAD...
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BBya

 

It’s a vicious cycle.

 

We fight. We make up. You start being so considerate, and sweet, and thoughtful, and I start to feel happy again. We then begin to feel comfortable around each other, again. Then you say something hurtful and I try to hurt you back, and then we fight. And it goes on and on and on.

 

Why?

 

I don’t know if it’s the age gap, or the cultural differences, or the clashing mood swings, or the different movie preferences… My goodness, need I go on?

 

It’s apparent that we are too different to ever fully get along.

 

But you know what? I think it’s worth it. I think us staying together is worth the pain that it brings.

 

I love you so much.

 

It’s a vicious cycle, yet it’s one that I am willing to go through, for the rest of my life

 

-aya

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  • 2 weeks later...

I wrote this as part of a short story 6 years ago, based on a true story.

 

I was at work that day unable to concentrate and focus on what I was doing when the receptionist informed me that there was someone in the lobby to see me.

My heart sank into my stomach and I felt nauseas. Caia was sitting on the lounge and when she looked up, I knew then what was about to happen. I took her downstairs away from prying eyes before I allowed her to begin what she wanted to say. She looked at me through those amber colored glasses, tears welling up in her eyes, trying to force a smile in an attempt to hide her despair. She stood in front of me arms folded trying to find the words to begin. I noticed that she was dressed in black as if to mourn the impending death of our relationship. I felt helpless and too afraid to reach out to this fragile young woman in front of me. She started to speak and her tears fell almost simultaneously. My heart bled for her as freely as her tears tumbled. I stood hands in my pocket looking into her eyes and asked myself how I could have let this happened. I felt suffocated, my mind was forced into a world of darkness and I started to feel the pain of profound sadness. She continued to speak but I could no longer hear her. I was momentarily deafened by the words I never wanted to hear her say again. Our turbulent relationship is over.

 

I tried to remain calm while I tried to find the words to let her know I understood, but I was too late. I had been consumed by my own emotions. The last shreds of composure had vanished when I realized that my tears had also fallen. I was torn between the thought of the injustice of letting her walk away without a fight and the position that she was in. The decision was hers and I loved her too much not to accept it. We would go our separate ways and I would not compromise this agreement by contacting her again.

 

I wanted to hold her once more even if it’s for the last time. I wanted to feel the warmth that she has given unselfishly during the time we spent together even if it was for the last time. I held out my arms and she allowed me to embrace her, I kissed her and held her closer. Being so close I felt her warm tears on my face, I stepped back, opened my eyes and wiped her tears away. With no other words needed to be said we knew it was time to go. She held my hand and kissed it before turning around to walk away.

She walked a few steps before turning around to give me a reassuring smile. It was a smile to let me know that she would be just fine. I stood there frozen in that spot trying to comprehend the enormity of what I am losing. Eventually she disappeared around the corner and took the passage out of my life. Something inside of me urged me to follow before it was too late. I walked towards her direction and as I came around the corner, what I saw broke my heart completely. I found her sitting on a bench, her face buried in her hands crying uncontrollably and totally oblivious to the people passing by. I wanted to rush over and comfort her, tell her that this was all just a bad dream, but instead I headed towards the office and into my now empty life, void of all emotions.

 

I searched for someone to blame for the broken heart that I was left with but as time passes I have come to understand that our separation was just a part of life. My closest friends, who were there to witness my suffering, suggested that I should just get over it and move on. I refused to let my friends set a grieving period acceptable only to their standards. To an outsider looking in it may seem that I crossed the boundaries of common sense but I knew that this was about me and what I needed to do. The bond that Caia and I shared became something that I’m still slowly trying to break free from.

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PAGMOMODA

 

Gusto kong magmoda. Nandito na siya sa wakas, ang iyong long distance jowa galing Cebu. Ang pathetic, no life at low life na jowa mo na wala ng ibang ginawa kundi tawagan ka araw-araw sa cellphone at makipagtelebabad ng mahigit isang oras. Nungkang gumasta siya ng 300 pesos everyday basta lang daw meron kayong communication at mag-work ang inyong relationship. Minsan nga iyan pa ang ugat ng inyong pag-aaway - ang madalas niyang pagtawag. Sabi mo nababanas ka na dahil masyado siyang makulit. Minsan wala pa sa oras ang pagtawag niya dahil erratic nga ang oras ng ating trabaho at oras ng pagtulog. Madalas natyetyempuhan niyang nanonood tayo ng DVD or naglalaro ng VTES or namamasyal sa mall. Medyo nase-sense ko na nage-gelli de belen siya dahil palagi mo akong kasama. Minsan nga narinig kong tinatanong niya sa iyo kung may boyfriend na ako. At nung minsang ni-request niyang makausap ako, sinabi niyang ihahanap daw niya ako ng boyfriend. Eww. As if naman isa ako sa mga kagaya niyang stupid people na kelangang magkaroon ng boyfriend to make themselves feel better. Excuse me pero hindi ako iyong tipong makikipag-jowa na lang sa kung sinong pontio pilato. "I am complete by myself" ang moda ko sa buhay. Kasi kung dine-define ko ang sarili ko sa pamamagitan ng ibang tao or sasabihin ng ibang tao e di nasayang lang pala ang aking UP education di ba?

 

Balik tayo kay no life, low life. Alam kong pareho tayong nag-aagree na di siya ganun katalino kagaya natin. Sa araw-araw na ginawa ng Diyos ang palagi niyong topic ay kung kumain na siya, kung kumain ka na at kung anong mga activities mo for the day. I don't mean to say na kelangan niyong magdebate tungkol sa political situation ng Pilipinas. Ikaw na rin mismo ang nagsabi na nung sinusubukan mong i-share sa kanya iyong mga concerns mo sa office or iyong mga moods mo, hindi niya masyadong ma-gets at wala siyang nabibigay na ma-happy na input. Hindi rin niya maintindihan kung paano ka mag-isip. Hindi niya makita ang isang bagay sa point of view mo or sa point of view ng iba, not because she does not want to, but because her brain is not capable of doing so. Kadalasan sinasabi niyang gagawin niya ang isang bagay kasi ginagawa mo, or magiging favorite na daw niya ang isang bagay just because favorite mo ito. Pu****-ina naman di ba? Get a life and a personality idiot!

 

Dalawang beses na kayong nag-break dahil sa irreconcilable differences. Tinanong mo pa nga sa akin kung ano ba dapat ang basis ng isang romantic relationship. Sabi mo kasi wala kayo halos things in common at ang mundo niya ay umiikot lang sa iyo pero mabait siya, patient sa iyo at nararamdaman mong sobrang mahal na mahal ka niya. Ebidensiya nga nito na siya ang laging tumatawag at gumagastos. At kahit na madalas binabagsakan mo siya ng telepono dahil sa inis mo sa kanyang kabobohan at hirap makaintindi more more tawag pa rin siya. Nung birthday mo nagpadala siya sa amin ng pera pambili ng personalized cake at pagkain para mag-celebrate ka with your friends (kasama din ako). Sinabi mo rin sa akin na nagkaroon ka na ng ibang jowa dati na matalino din at same wavelength mo pero hindi mo maramdaman ang ganoong level ng pag-care. Well, duh!! Kasi nga iyong mga taong matalino, may sariling life at hindi mo sila mararamdamang nagki-cling sa iyo, at ang magiting mong long distance jowa ay sa iyo lang umiikot ang mundo. Ah, nakalimutan ko palang isingit na minsan nung mag-break kayo ay ilang beses niya akong tinatawagan para tanungin kung paano ka niya susuyuin. My God!! Kumusta naman siya di ba? Gusto ko siyang bigyan ng "best in being pathetic" award. As in 1cm na lang ang nalalabi sa aking pasensiya.

 

Pero kung gusto ko siyang sapakin nung mga time na iyon, ikaw naman ay gusto kong hampasin sa ulo ngayon. Kasi naman pu***-ina sabi mo hindi ka na makikipagbalikan pero nalaman-laman ko na lang na kayo na pala ulit. Anak ng tokwa naman oo. Kung bobo siya, tanga ka, bagay nga kayo.

 

So ano ang point ko? Kasi nalaman laman ko na lang na mahal pala kita at ngayon andito ako sa opisina at mangiyak-ngiyak dahil wala akong magagawa para magbago ang isip mo. Pakihampas na rin pala ang ulo ko.

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I Love You But You Will Never Know

 

 

I guess you will never know how much you've hurt me, or how much you are hurting me still. I have thought of the many instances when I wished I could hurt you too. But I know I won't be able to do that. My friends said I should not blame you because it's not your fault. You didn't ask me to fall for you. Well f*ck you! It's not as if I wanted to fall for you too. I didn't choose this. I didn't want this to happen as well.

 

Thanks for everything you have taught me. Thanks so much for the friendship, I will always treasure it. And to think I rarely treasure anything. I wish I could say I hope you'd be happy but right now what I wish is for you to feel all the pain that you've given me and more.

 

I am a vengeful person, that is true. But you already knew that didn't you?

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  • 2 weeks later...

B,

 

I’m writing you this letter to let you know the things that I’m still trying to find ways to tell you, in person. Please be patient, and read through the whole of this.

 

The past few months have been crazy. We fight, almost on a daily basis. Oftentimes it feels like it’s a struggle, instead of a relationship. I know that most of the time, I start the fights. Please, let me explain myself. I’m not a very patient person. I don’t like being ignored when I ask questions. I don’t like being shouted at, and being made to feel stupid. I don’t like waiting. I absolutely hate it when I feel like I’m being taken for granted. Feeling this way, will eventually result to me being cold, and non-reciprocating. This is not intentional, rather, a product of ill feelings that I tend to harbor when faced with the aforementioned situations.

 

That being said, I think that I have endured my share of difficulties from you. You’re stubborn. You ignore me a lot. Most of the time, when all I seek is a little bit of affection, what I get is coldness.

 

Maybe this is because, you and I, we’re the same, yet we could not be any more different. We’re both hot tempered. We both would like to get our way, all the time. We find apologizing for our mistakes and short-comings, tiresome and unnecessary. None of us would want to step down, to appease the other. Two hardheaded individuals, trying to function normally, as a couple. Some would say that it’s ridiculous. Some would say to just give it up, as it’s hopeless. The fights will never end. This vicious cycle will go on and on and on, so long as we stay together.

 

Funny thing is, no matter how hard it gets, and no matter how I try to imagine it, I can’t see myself not being with you. I can’t imagine life, much more, living, without you. For reasons unbeknownst to me, it seems like I won’t be able to go on, should we decide to part ways.

 

Please, help me understand you, understand us, and understand how I am, when I’m with you.

 

When we’re together, even though we fight, I feel like I’m safe, like nothing bad can and will happen to me.

 

Stay with me Jimmy. I may not be the best girlfriend, but I promise to love you the best way that I know how.

 

I love you.

 

B

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You were the light in my darkness, the warmth to my cold, my heart, my love.

We were only destined for a brief moment. A wolf and a princess, never to be.

All that we had, must now end. A soulless pain, an empty bed.

A ghostly whisper and a familiar scent,

all I this I will remember.

Shigata ga nai, kirie hana. Shigata ga na.

 

 

I wrote that to my exchange student gf in college when she had to go back to Japan and I had to be redeployed. The poetry sucks but you get the idea.

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I cry for you across the miles

I think of your face and all of your smiles.

 

I wake up and reach for you in the lonely night.

I wish you could hold me how you do so tight

 

I dream of your face and your hair

and how you make me melt with your gorgeous stare.

 

I know it'll be OK, I'll see you soon

I can't wait to be in your arms again, beneath the moon

 

I know you love me more than any girl could

I know you know I need you more than a man ever should.

 

So when you cry for me the way I cry for you

Just remember it'll be OK because our love is so true

 

Know I'm yours forever, until the end.

and that I pray for the love I know you can send.

 

Please wait for me, please stay true

Because you're all I need, and I'm waiting for you

 

Love me HONEY, with all your heart

Hold on to me, don't ever let us part

 

I know when day when the law allows,

you'll be right beside me, we'll say our vows

 

So don't give up, we'll meet again

and we'll be happier than we've ever been.

Edited by k.rams2004
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Ex,

 

You're never going to change. There's finality in your being an assh*le to women. Or maybe not women in general, more like just to your wife. You know you hurt her. I’m not putting all the blame on you as I have had an active hand in administering said hurt, to her. Believe it or not, I couldn’t be any sorrier, for helping you hurt her; for making it possible for you to cheat on her. I really am truly sorry; however, if it weren’t with me, then you probably would have cheated on her with somebody else.

 

Why do you keep on doing it? Why hurt her still? She stood by you, when she should have very well left you in the dumps. You knew, even when we were going out, that survival, in every sense of it, is only possible, if you stay with her. She’s a saint, I tell you.

 

Must you name your child after me? Why? I’m hoping you were not stupid enough to tell her my full name, or that your child is my name-sake. Surprised that I found out? Blame it on the grapevine. News will travel, and it will travel fast.

 

I hope she doesn’t wake up one day, and realize that she doesn’t need you.

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  • 4 months later...

Have you ever been in love?

Horrible isn't it?

It makes you so VULNERABLE.

It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up.

You build up all these defenses.

You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you,

then

one stupid person,

no different from any other stupid person,

wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you.

They didn't ask for it.

They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you,

and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages.

IT GETS INSIDE YOU.

IT EATS YOU OUT AND LEAVES YOU CRYING IN THE DARKNESS,

so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter

working its way into your heart.

IT HURTS.

NOT JUST IN THE IMAGINATION.

IT'S A SOUL-HURT, A BODY-HURT, A REAL GETS-INSIDE-YOU-AND-RIPS-YOU-APART PAIN.

Nothing should be able to do that.

Especially not love.

I HATE LOVE.

 

 

--Sandman

by Neil Gaiman

Edited by hungryenjoycoke
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Trust

The Cure

 

there is no-one left in the world

that i can hold onto

there is really no-one left at all

there is only you

and if you leave me now

you leave all that we were

undone

there is really no-one left

you are the only one

 

and still the hardest part for you

to put your trust in me

i love you more than i can say

why won't you just believe?

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THERE'S A STRUGGLE INSIDE ME.

 

YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE NEVER BEEN LIKE THIS. THIS IS ALL A TRULLY DIFFERENT FEELING. I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS.

I WAS USED TO BEING ALONE - ANONYMOUS. I WORK MYSELF DAY IN AND DAY OUT AND FOCUSED ON MY TASKS AT HAND. I WAS CONTENTED IN MY OWN COMFORT ZONE; NEVER INVOLVED, DIDN'T CARE MUCH ABOUT THE SURROUNDING PEOPLE. I ONLY HAD ACQUAINTANCES - NOTHING MORE. NO SPECIAL SOMEONE - - - UNTIL YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE.

 

EVERYTHING CHANGED. THIS HEART THAT USED TO LIVE ON A DAY-TO-DAY BASIS SUDDENLY STARTED BEATING FASTER, UNTIL IT CAUGHT ITS OWN UNIQUE RYTHYM. IN A SPECTRE OF A SHOW, IT FOUND A LIFE THAT WAS TRULLY AMAZING. IT LONGED TO BELONG AND FOOLISHLY IT SOUGHT YOU THINKING THAT YOU WERE "THE ONE"

HAPPINESS WAS UNEXPLAINABLE. IT GAVE ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING THAT IT COULD POSSIBLY GIVE IN THE PURSUIT OF ITS GOALS TO SHARE THAT HAPPINESS WITH YOU.

 

YES, YOU ARE RIGHT. LOVE MAKES ONE VULNERABLE.

 

IT OPENED ITSELF TO THAT ONE PERSON, GIVING OUT EVERY DETAIL OF ITS EXISTENCE. WILLING TO SHARE EVERY TINY BIT OF INFORMATION IT COULD PULL OUT FROM ITS CHESTFULL OF MEMORIES HOWEVER TRIVIAL IT MAY BE. FOR HIM, IT WAS LETTING YOU KNOW WHO I WAS, AND WHO I AM THEN.

 

I THOUGHT THAT YOU LOVED ME IN THE TRUEST SENSE OF THAT WORD SPELLED AS L - O - V - E. SUDDENLY, I WAS LIVING ANEW. MY FOCUS WAS NOW ON YOU FOR YOU HAVE GIVETH ME HOPE. INJECTED LIFE INTO MY VEINS. MADE ME FEEL HOW IT IS TO BE HAPPY AGAIN. ONLY TO BE FOOLED. WORSE, ONLY TO BE CROSSED.

 

YOU DESPISED EVERYTHING THAT WE DID. IN YOUR EFFORTS TO SHAKE YOURSELF CLEAN OF ME, YOU DIVULGED INFORMATION THAT WE WERE THE ONLY ONES THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO KNOW. I WAS DUMBFOUNDED. NO, I WAS SHOCKED IN DISBELIEF. HOW COULD THE LOVE OF MY LIFE DO THIS TO ME? HOW COULD SHE, WHOM I TRUSTED MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE AROUND ME BE SO *&^%&()!!!

 

YOU NOT ONLY DIDN'T KEEP THE MANY PROMISES THAT YOU SWORE YOU WOULD, YOU ALSO DISAVOWED THEM IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE. "I AM HOLDING ON TO YOUR PROMISES" WAS WHAT YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME. I WAS KEEPING THEM UNTIL I LEARNED YOU SIMPLY TRASHED THEM AWAY LIKE EMPTY PROMISES WRITTEN ON TOILET PAPER WASHED OUT IN THE COLD, DARK, SMELLY DEPTHS OF THAT STINKING HOLE SIX FEET UNDERNEATH.

 

WORSE, YOU EVEN MALIGNED THE ONLY ANGEL OF HOPE THAT I HAVE KEPT DURING THESE YEARS.

 

YES, I BECAME BITTER I WILL ADMIT TO THAT. THAT BITTERNESS MADE ME CURL UP AND SHUN AWAY EVERYTHING AROUND ME. NOW THE SUNLIGHT IS NO LONGER ENJOYABLE FOR I PREFER THE DARKNESS OF A COLD AND EMPTY SPACE. THIS WAS WHERE I WAS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

 

BUT SEEING YOU AS IF NOTHING HAS HAPPENED MADE ME FURIOUS. HERE YOU WERE, ANNOUNCING THE TRUTH ABOUT US AND OUR DEEDS TO PEOPLE WHO YOU KNOW WILL BE HURT. YET YOU COULD NOT DARE COME CLEAN TO YOUR OWN CLAN. WHILE YOU WERE HOLDING HIS HAND AND LAUGHING AS IF I DIDN'T EXISTED AT ALL, YOU WERE CHOKING ME. I HEARD YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR PLANS TOGETHER IN THE FUTURE. IT MADE ME REMINISCE OF OUR OWN PLANS UNTIL IT HIT ME. I HAVE BEEN DUTIFULLY EXPENDED AKIN TO A TOY WHO HAS REACHED ITS USEFUL LIFE. A OLD TOY HAS RETURNED AND HE IS INSTANTLY A RENEWED FAVORITE. GONE WERE THE SWEET NOTHINGS; THE KISSES; THE PROMISES OF A BRIGHT AND HAPPY FUTURE TOGETHER.

 

I WAS BACK TO A FRIGID, COLD, AND DARK REALITY. YOU USED ME. WHETHER IT WAS SIMPLY TO SATISFY YOUR HUNGER FOR DELIGHT OR AN ILLUSION OF LOVE, YOU USED ME.

 

AND IT ALMOST DROVE ME TO INSANITY.

 

HENCE, I STORMED THAT PLACE YOU CALLED CASTLE TO LET YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE SHAMED; TO BE CROSSED. TO THE SATISFACTION OF MY CRAZY AND ANGERED MIND I ANNOUNCED ON YOUR BEHALF WHAT LIES BENEATH. THE CRUELTY I RECEIVED WAS THEREFORE RETURNED TO ITS GIVER.

 

THE KING OF MINDGAMES MEETS THE QUEEN OF MINDGAMES. IT OUGHT TO BE FUNNY. BUT SADLY I AM NOT AMUSED.

 

I WAS NEVER INTO IT. I NEVER LIKED BEING PLAYED - ESPECIALLY MIND-PLAYED. YOU KNOW I HAD ALWAYS BEEN UPFRONT ABOUT EVERYTHING, INCLUDING MY LOVE FOR YOU. NOW YOU EVEN ACCUSE ME OF BEING ITS KING?

 

I'VE GROWN A LOT MORE OLDER THESE DAYS. I DO NOT CLAIM BEING WISER THOUGH. AFTER BEING TRASHED LIKE s@%t, I HAVE RETURNED TO MY OLD MODE. SLUMPING. THE ONCE PERSON WHO CARED ABOUT THE WORLD NO LONGER CARES FOR ANYTHING ANYMORE. PERHAPS THIS IS A SIGN TO STOP CLINGING TO OLD HOPES; EMPTY PROMISES AND GET MYSELF REALLY CLEAN IN PREPARATION FOR MY JOURNEY TO THE NEXT. FUNNY DURING OUR DAYS MY BLOOD PRESSURE WAS NEVER A PROBLEM. WHY IS IT SINCE THAT SINCE YOU LEFT ME, I HAVE NEVER BEEN HEALTHY ANYMORE. MY BP HAS NEVER RETURNED TO NORMAL.

 

I WAS DETERMINED TO MOVE ON. NOW THAT I HAVE STUMBLED AGAIN ON YOU I AM AGAIN CONFUSED. ONE PART OF ME WANTS TO COMPLETELY FORGET AND TURN THE PAGE TO A NEW CHAPTER OF MY LIFE. THE OTHER PART OF ME WANTS TO RELISH AND CHERISH THE PAIN THAT YOU BROUGHT UPON ME. I AM IN A QUANDARY.

 

THERE IS A STRUGGLE INSIDE ME. AS TO WHAT IT WILL BRING, EVEN I DON'T KNOW.

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IT WAS JUST SO SAD... SO SAD THAT HE DIDN'T KNOW EVERYTHING.

 

The TRUTH just hurts me so badly...now that I'm beginning to see... beginning to feel..

He was so thinking of himself and of what he knows...assuming everything is true.

 

I hate it... whatever he is doing now on his life. Destroying me in this room. Destroying me to other room.

Yeah.. I hurted him... but he hurted me more ---brutally... HE DESTROYED ME. Not just me...but himself as well.

 

I want to stop... because HE NEVER AND WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND. Because he didn't want to talk nor even want to communicate.. I'm just so tired.

 

He would not accept me... as much as he didn't want to accept the truth.

 

It was so sad..SO SAD.

 

If I caused him to be like this...I AM SORRY...I hope he feels...but I think will not because he forever closed himself to me.

Its his decision....that I will forever be sorry.

After what has been said and done, well...maybe I have to move on. Start this life in scratch.

 

Memories still haunts me.... I will cherish them all...yeah..

 

I FORGAVE HIM.

From that I would go... live the right life that I should.

 

 

I plead for RESPECT. just that...nothing more.

 

LOVE? Saka na lang... I don't want to ask for it.Cause in the first place, am I being loved? Did he ever loved me? (from waht I see - well... ) Now the word L-O-V-E just confuses me.

 

I plead for RESPECT.

 

Just like what I have for him and for his loved ones -RESPECT.

 

If I see myself infront of him as the lowest scavenger, eating the geese that eats the worms that ate all those up. This is how he makes me feel...- a LOSER the fact that I AM. I guess thats what everybody makes me feel now... oh, even before... the only difference--Before, I was a HAPPY LOSER...but now? Oh, A LOSER in grief.

 

Please respect the LOSER HUNGRYENJOYCOKE.

 

I could DIE now, if he likes.. if that would save him or make him feel good...

I AM NOT AFRAID TO DIE BECAUSE I AM DEAD ALREADY... and I always dream to be...

 

I hope he would talk to me... but I don't think he would...nor would ever listen nor believe me.

 

Yeah... things are better left unsaid.

 

I don't want to argue anymore nor ipagsisikan or ipagpilitan ko pa ang side ko or ang sasabihin ko sa kanya. I am pushed to be like this. He pushed me outside...when he pushed me I was like a USED STINKING RAG (that you usually see at your house- rag that can never be re-used even washed).

 

I hate myself. I am unworthy of this life. I am unworthy of him. I am unworthy of love....-that I have to accept because that's how he makes me feel. Yeah... if i die today I would be the happiest.. eternal rest..

It means I could be a ghost. I would be free staring at him..watching him from a far...smiling, thinking that I have loved and lived to know this man....-SECRETLY.

 

I BEAR YOU NO ANIMUS, EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE DESTROYED ME.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you bear me no animosity, (if you have loved me- if it was true) why do you treat me so badly?

 

 

I want to be stoical.

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RESPECT BEGETS RESPECT.

 

IF YOU PLEAD FOR SUCH, I CANNOT REFUSE IT.

 

IF YOU ONLY KNOW HOW MY HEART YEARNS FOR YOU INSPITE AND DESPITE OF THE HURT THAT WE'VE EXCHANGED.

I AM WILLING TO START AGAIN.

 

BUT I DON'T THINK YOU ARE READY.

 

I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU. HEART TO HEART. BUT YOU COULD NEVER BE FOUND.

 

I DROVE BY YOUR PLACE LAST NIGHT. HOPING TO GET A GLIMPSE OF YOU. BUT I WAS HEARTBROKEN AGAIN.

 

I AM A FOOL. I AM CRAZY. CALL ME WHAT YOU WANT. FOR IT IS THE TRUTH.

 

I AM SORRY I TURNED OUT LIKE THIS. THIS IS NOT ME THAT YOU KNEW.

DAMN EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED. I ONLY WANTED TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

BUT IN THE PROCESS I DESTROYED BOTH OF US.

 

YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHERE I CAN BE REACHED. HAVE YOU KEPT MY MOBILE AND LANDLINE NUMBERS?

PLEASE DON'T TRY AT HOME. THEY HAVE BEEN CHANGED. EVEN OUR ADDRESS HAS BEEN CHANGED.

 

PLEASE DON'T THINK THAT I WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU WHEN WE MEET OR TALK.

I JUST WANT TO SEE YOUR EYES. YOU SAY YOU WANT TO HOLD MY HAND.

 

I AM JUST HERE.

WANTING TO FEEL YOU.

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AHH. YOU'VE READ MY MESSAGE.

 

BUT STILL HAVE TURNED A DEAF EAR.

I GUESS YOU DO NOT DESIRE FOR US TO TALK.

 

YOU WANT TO TELL THE TRUTH

BUT SAY YOU I DO NOT WANT TO LISTEN.

 

HOW CAN I LISTEN?

WHEN THERE IS NO ONE I CAN LISTEN TO?

 

MY HEART IS TORN INTO MILLIONS OF PIECES.

IT WILL STAY THAT WAY.

YOU ARE THE GLUE THAT KEEPS IT TOGETHER.

BUT NOW THAT YOU ARE DRY

LET ME ANGUISH IN TEARS.

 

IT IS I THAT LONG TO DIE NOT YOU. NOT ANYONE ELSE.

 

ETERNAL REST GRANT ME O LORD

FORGIVE ME FOR MY WEAKNESSES.

 

....

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dude,

 

it feels just like yesterday when the lines "what the heck" and "fcuk it all" were thrown. it wasn't that long ago when we looked stoopid trying to stop ourselves from saying those three words fearing it might destroy something so perfect. good thing we did or else we wouldn't have realized that it would become better and better. good thing too that we decided to restrain ourselves till we no longer can contain it... at least we know that getting into this was a well thought of decision and wasn't done out of a whim. funny how we've transcended from that "friends with a spark" to being housemates and all. it's also funny how people who are so into "it" like us now sees it as an added bonus. sure, it still rocks, we still drive each other crazy, and you are sooooo great, but you were right... it's not the driving force anymore, the connection and relationship we have in and out of that nicely designed bedroom (eherm, eherm :)) is. life's simple pleasures now makes our day and I never thought that people like us would find real, fulfilling happiness at the simplest of things. celebrating valentine's day and monthsaries are so not us, but... yeah... we've gone crazy. really. we've changed each other for the better, without even realizing it. you tamed me as much as I have tamed you, and what's funny is that it feels better this way. we both don't feel empty the morning after. in you i found contentment.

 

we've gone a long way dude, from life changing decisions to your ultimate sacrifices and my kakulitan. inspite of everything, you're still there. can't imagine how you could put up with that. :lol: thanks for waiting for me to finally unload all the baggage. your patience is one of a kind. the way you proved how much you love me and you being just as you are makes me love you all the more. thanks for being a partner and for relating - of which makes ours a real relationship. thanks for turning your world around in order to make the goal common. our future indeed looks bright. thanks for being the bestest friend /beer buddy/fubu/mentor/lover/everything in the whole wide world.

 

i never thought that it would only take one you to make me decided and vice versa. this is where it stops. this is it. period. infinity. no erasure. no liquid paper. it's you. it's me. it's US.

 

 

___ months and counting, dude... probation's nearly over. :)

 

 

I LOVE YOU, in its purest sense.

 

 

 

love and other indoor sports,

 

your esmi (heehee)

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  • 1 month later...

Beb,

 

our song said it best... "things will fall apart but i know that i don't want you to go"

 

i knew at some point, i have to share my life with you. against all odds? yeah. kinda. well, yeah really. Anyway, not like it matters... :P see the things is... i love you so much. love you so much that i never thought i'd feel like that again. and you don't believe in love right? you've always thought that it's something exclusive for delusion addict. Man, for someone who composes and sings love songs, you're one heck of a cynic. :lol:

 

anyway, i dont really wanna make this a long drama s@%t but i just want you to know that, i'm glad i had what we had. whatever that was. I'm sorry if at times i fail you or your expectations... And no, please don't say sorry just because you think you should say something to me soon. Say something else. I wont believe the bull crap coming out of your traps anyway.

 

 

You'll always be my baby,

Dixiechiq

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alam ko na ilang beses ka naring umibig at nasaktan

at takot ka ng magmahal muli

pero bakit ayaw mo ng umasam?

na magamot ang puso mong sawi?

 

pareho lang tayo

naghahanap ng pagmamahal

kung maraari lamang na turuan ang baliw na puso

turuang pumikit at magmahal muli

 

pusong sugatan at puno ng peklat

pusong nagmahal at iniwan

sana maghilom ulit ang sugat

at muling magmahal

 

kung maari lamang na gamutin ang puso mo

ng pagmamahal, magagarang damit at alahas

kung maari lamang angkinin ang puso mo

kahit ang tinitibok nito ay ang nakaraan

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HEC,

 

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO CONTINUE HURTING OTHER PEOPLE?

 

HAVEN'T YOU HURT OTHERS ENOUGH BEFORE? DO YOU FIND SATISFACTION IN TELLING

WHAT I TOLD YOU? CAN'T YOU NOT KEEP IT JUST BETWEEN THE TWO OF US?

 

IN MY EARNEST EFFORTS TO MAKE UP WITH YOU SOMEHOW, I OFFERED YOU UNSOLICITED HELP.

YOU NOT ONLY TURNED IT DOWN. WORSE, YOU HAD TO SPILL IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO

SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN IN THE PICTURE. THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE KNOWN FOR THEY WOULDN'T CARE

AND WILL NOT BENEFIT FROM IT. RATHER, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN YOU.

 

I WAS SHAMED WHEN THE LADY TOLD ME THAT YOU DISREGARDED THE OFFER BEFORE.

SHE GENTLY REPRIMANDED ME ABOUT REFERRING SOMEONE WHO NOT ONLY ISN'T INTERESTED,

BUT KINDA RUDE IN TURNING THE OFFER DOWN. - BUT THAT IS YOU. THAT I CANNOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT.

 

BUT SPILLING THE BEANS TO OTHERS HURTS ME AS WELL.

I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU DID TODAY. YOU OUGHT TO BE PROUD OF YOURSELF

FOR COMING UP AND LAYING IT DOWN. IT REMINISCES THE NOT SO DISTANT PAST WHEN YOU DID

THE VERY SAME THING.

 

OH MY. THERE GOES TRYING TO HELP,

WHEN HELP IS NOT APPRECIATED. EVEN DESPISED OF.

 

IS THIS YOUR FORM OF VENGEANCE?

YOU SAID YOU WANT TO BE STOICAL. IS THIS IS YOUR COMPREHENSION OF THE WORD?

YOU ALSO SAID YOU BEAR NO ANIMUS. WHAT IS THIS THEN THAT YOU ARE DOING?

YOU PLEADED FOR RESPECT AND I RESPONDED THAT I WILL.

DON'T YOU THINK I ALSO DESERVE SOME FROM YOU?

 

-----------------

ON THE OTHER HAND, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU FOR UPDATING ME OF YOUR WHEREABOUTS.

NOW I CAN HAVE MY FAVORITE JAPANESE DISH WITHOUT THE ANXIETY OF

COMING ACROSS YOUR PATH. OR I CAN NOW HAVE MY CAKE AND LITERALLY EAT IT TOO.

 

PERHAPS A HAIRCUT? MANICURE? OR BRAKE PAD CHANGE ONE OF THESE DAYS?

 

TAKE CARE STILL. MOVE ON AS YOU HAVE DECLARED.

AS FOR MYSELF.....YOU DON'T CARE NAMAN DI BA?

Edited by the grudge
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  • 2 weeks later...

Nakakainis...mukhang galit na naman siya sa akin.

Though I really wanted to explain pero... why? I mean it would just be a long story.

Minsan talagang mas maganda pa rin na kayo na lang mag-usap para wala ng nababago sa istorya...

para wala na rin ang nadadamay.

But it can't be that way...

for some reasons...

I'm so afraid of those reasons as much as I am so afraid of him.

Alam ko na sobrang ikagagalit nya...

pero how would he accept na naipit lang ako sa sitwasyon ko..

 

Well, i'm glad he's trying to cope up...just like me...

Pero..

just like you

IT IS SOOOOO SOOOO SOOO DIFFICULT.

I feel like I am in Purgatory.

 

I am left behind.

far behind

 

I can't even show what I really feel... what I really want...

because I would not be understood..

 

 

My life would never be the same again.

 

I may show up vengeance...but at the bottom of my heart I'm the weakest, ready to send down to fury.

 

I am not afraid to die. Though, I already felt I am...dead.

 

well... still... I wish

I could see you ... in my dreams... or in the other world.

or in the next life.

 

Pero mas maganda if i could see you in God's time..in God's way..

 

hahaha...kilala na kita... you would still think that I am wise to say these things to you just to cover up and show up as if i'm right or what... i'm so galing... welll... its really upto you... really upto anyone's opinion.

 

I'm sorry. again.

 

I guess I'm so lost. terribly. insanely.

As much as I wanted to get up... I always felt so down..literally down..as in.

Plus the fact people who were far na nga still brings me down...walang patawad.

 

well... hay.... i still have your things with me.

still smelling the shirt

still reading the letters

 

why would i burn them...???

 

they all remind me of who I am.

of who I really was...

 

a loser.hoping someone someday will get me out-of-here.

 

i never say me praying to an angel is stupid.

upto now i didn't know to where she got that

 

hmmm....

 

well... i wanted to help you... to be happy... well..hindi ko man maibalik yung dating "happy"

at least I want to share you the sky...

 

i don't know sky (now) makes me happy atleast... i mean it makes me relax.. from the trauma..

from the phobia... from the heartaches...headaches...and bodyaches.

 

Try mo lang...sana ma-relax ka...

it would help you...

 

try to smile for an hour infront of the mirror... and say compliments to yourself..

 

i just lost a very good friend of mine.. ibinulong ko sa kanya na isama na niya ako sa kinalalagyan nya...

 

hmm.... pero andito pa rin ako sobrang andito pa rin..

 

the way i see it... she still wanted me to hope that there is still better things that would happen in this God-forsaken life.

 

hmm...

yeah right.

 

kung anu man yun gustong ipakita ni God sa kin..kahit gaano pa kaganda yun...parang ayoko na makita...parang ayoko na..so tired..so fed up...

 

thr truth is.

rebuilding is hard.. rebuilding oneself is hard.

i am starting in scratch..as in.

 

 

teka...

asan na ba tayo?

 

 

 

well... please smile..just for me OR for the skies..

 

we are under the same sky.

 

remember?

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