Writings of the Heart

[Itto Ogami]

i want you to want me

not because you want something from me,

but simply because you want to.

Edited April 28, 2010 by IttoOgami

[shamrock12345]

i though loving you is just merely an ordinary.. intention.. but the later part.. it create..point of discussion... to know.. what love is..

[ForeverSummer]

I massacred it. Slaughtered it until it was no more than another notch on my bedpost.

 

I use and I get used. It's symbiotic. Get in, get off, get out. Life's that uncomplicated. If you hate me, I probably feel the same about you. If you want me, I dare you to tell it to my face. Love and Lust are commodities that come with a price tag. I've reduced relationships to that simplistic view.

 

I can fake intimacy, but I refuse to cheapen what is genuine for a few minutes (eleven to be exact according to Coelho) of elation. Unfortunately, the thin line that used to separate the real from the facsimile has evaporated into nothingness and I can no longer tell the difference between a diamond and a pebble, a fact and a perversion.

 

Someone must have tipped the scales. The one thing that I held to be true has rotten from the inside out. The scent of mildew and decay is stuck in my nasal cavity. Not even the warmest of hugs could get the stench off.

 

It's sad when you realize that you just don't care anymore.

Edited April 28, 2010 by ForeverSummer

[Darien Faust]

You're not just my lover or my girlfriend. You've become my best friend as well. I can't lose one over the other.

[Knucklehead7]

Something I thought about about 2 hours ago...

 

My Loneliness

 

 

As I spend my nights wondering where I can chill

and savor the drops of rain

I begin to wonder, how can I end this pain

of not having "the one", living my life on my own

and trying to leave behind everything I've known

about her love, the life we shared, everything that we promised

the memory still haunts me, of the last time we kissed

knowing I'll never have that chance again

of a life less ordinary, but the happiest I've ever been

 

I begin to lose direction, questioning my own belief

I've never had to give in to this kind of grief

But it can't be stopped, maybe it never will

My life's creeping to a standstill

As the rain falls harder, so does my dreams of being alive

Alive in someone's arms, letting love take over my vibe

 

Why do I have to be away from you?, I hear the song every day

And as my heart weeps, I silently pray

That I will not lose all hope and give up on my dreams

No matter how hard it seems

To wake up, knowing I don't have her to look forward to

Knowing that I don't have someone to give my life to

Knowing that I've never had a reason to live for so long

Knowing that I can never be as strong

As when I had love in my life, the warmth and sweetness of her bliss

I still long for that moment, that warm and tender kiss

Looking forward to 52 Mondays having a reason to live

Now I don't even have someone to whom I can give

All the love that's building up inside of me

The only question is, if it's really meant to be

 

When will the rain stop pouring on me?

When will I find someone to love me?

If you're out there, I hope I find you soon

I don't want love to happen to me only once in a full moon

I want my pain to end, I want to end my suffering

And be in the arms of someone who'll join me in a new beginning

Of love, life, and everything else that comes along

Because I know that her love will keep me strong

And help me from sinking deeper into my emptiness

If only there was someone who can take me away from my loneliness

[LostCommand]

The scientists say that in the Beginning was pure energy; all white light. And this energy condensed into clouds of hydrogen vapour, the simplest of all matter, filling the void. Nothing was solid, nothing was firm, nothing was tangible, in the hollow ringing vastness of all-space.

 

Then the first stars were formed from these pure hydrogen seas, and the crush of gravity set them alit. Within their pulsing, unapproachably fiery hearts, and nowhere else before nor since, was gaseous and insubstantial hydrogen atoms forged and bound together like coalescing clay balls, into ever more solid elements; the carbons, the silicons, the calciums, then the metals; even unto platinum and silver and gold, the latest forgeable only at the extreme brilliance and violence residing within the cores of those exceeding rare stellar supernovas.

 

When these stars and supernovas were no more, their solid elements were cast to the void and spread out, and stellar matter travelled all across the universe, to gravitate towards newer, younger stars. And these new stars collected the material, these stellar treasuries, around themselves, and therein were formed the planets.

 

And then, in due time, ourselves.

 

Everything we see, indeed everything we are, our very flesh and bones, every atom of us, were mined and forged from the beating hearts of stars, now long gone. No other furnace, least of all any feeble devices of mere mortals, could carried out such wholesale transmutations of matter from the vapour form to the useful; and thence to the noble.

 

And then our spirits were housed within these noble temples.

 

Star-stuff. Every particle, every drop of us. That is what we are, though we know it not. Bodies created from the stellar material, and given life; call it magic, call it divinity, call it what ever else, but deep inside we know we carry the mystery, the spark, of one who can trace his existence from the deeps of time and space and ultimately from the white incandescence at the cores of suns, billions and billions of years in the making.

 

There are no real birth-days for us then; that is, no date that can be placed in mortal calendars.

 

I want to see that spark in your soul. I live for those moments, when your soul and mine, and the stars, are one.

 

For an instant, we are divine.

 

LC

[LostCommand]

I want to run down to Manila North Harbour very late this Friday night, jump into one of our semi-trailer 18-wheeler International cargo trucks, unhook the cargo trailer tail, send up them hottie young hookers to take gentle care of my faithful driver, then I will slam hard the big red start button with the flat of my right palm, and feel through my backside all 12 massive cylinders and 22 liters (yes, ten times a car's displacement) of the MAN diesel machine firing up with a rough rough throb, a throb that dips deeper as I touch the throttle and rev her up to clear the night's crud from the throats of the wailing KKK twin turbochargers. I want to grab the long thick gearshift, select one of the 10 forward gears in the two-split Torsen transmission, grind in that gear with a firm muscled forearm and meaty fist, ease the Dino-Soar servo clutch out, and run the truck (minus the long cargo trailer) through the backroads of Tondo, the piercing scream of the unmuffled exhaust throbbing the windows and doors of the tight packed houses as we rumble by, Jacobsen brakes swishing air, exhaust streaming way back, routing out through Roxas, and left to Edsa, and straight on to Balintawak, then right to North Diversion.

 

I want put those tonnes of steel and alloy machinery through her paces at the NLEX, headed deep north, to sanctuary, to sanctuary. Capable of pulling 40,000 kilograms, or 40 cars, now she pulls naught but her owner's 78 tense tight and brutally berserk kilograms, and with such ridiculous ease she overtakes car after car, bullies bus after bus, weaves through jam after jam, using the shoulders the same as the road, long contrail of dust rising behind as I wrestle the heavy steering around precision shoulder swerves, gears the size of car tires slotting up and down in unconscious double-declutching tranny harmony. Exiting at Santa Rita, we charge alone through the cake flat plains of Central Luzon in the dead of night, engine, turbos, tinny stereo, and at times myself at full cry, just like college summers past, but now my years of experience are added to that old raw hungry energy of youth, and thus mixed twice deadly we pass the night fearless and heedless, blatant and free.

 

At dawn the ramparts of the Caraballo mountains rise up at the horizon, the gates to North Luzon. Pacing around my ticking rumbling truck, inspecting, whilst I sip my hot cheap carinderia Nescaffe, the cold clear morning mountain air wakes me up and washes away the night's fatigue. Jumping up back on the driver's seat, the truck and myself charge up the foothills of Dalton Pass for what must be the near 200th time, 90+ memorised kilometers of steeply inclined twisty trucky driving, cliff to one side, mountain at the other, inches of clearance in between, 180 to 270 degree completely blind curves at random intervals, landslides if you are lucky, sudden death if you are not - rusty broken carcasses of past crashes littering the way, a new one with my every trip. Eating up the wrong side of the road time and again, following the racing line with a massive truck forced to dance car-like; though barely tameable, all her ten tires squealing, the charge continues, straight up cloud wrapped Dalton Pass, thousands of feet in the sky, the oil and water temperatures ratcheting up the VDO gauges as the machine is pushed most unmerciful, engine revs touching red, machinery suffering as much as the driver, the exhaust manifolds abake with dull heat, that burnt candle stink of overhot steel, the diesel exhaust a light boiling blue and gray plume, overtaking everything, everyone, everybody

 

Call it passion, call it adrenalin, call it energy, call it lust, call it ambition, but they will not leave me be, they will not give me peace. I may, at last, sicken and stumble, and rest, but always always always I will come back, wounded perhaps, but unheeding, unheeding, demons flooring every last inch of my gas pedal, I cannot say no, I cannot stop, it is not me that wishes this so - I charge north to sanctuary, but it has been years since I found her last,

 

and now she is gone.

 

do you understand? I fight (and f#&k, and love, and fight again) like a race machine, and know no other way. You may even pierce my defenses, (and I may pierce yours, accidentally, and never never with malice aforethought), but it really changes naught; I am battleship compartmentalised, literally unable to simply sink down and thereby put an end to my many hits, holes, and hurts; I must suffer each and every one instead. I take you as you are, so then take me as I am, or not at all. You may want what I can not give, yet still I give you all what my demons may allow me to keep as my own, and these are not little. Here, with all masks removed, you see me, immersed in power and flames, and writhing, but unbroken; steel and smoke and fire.

 

And you, you've got the look.

 

do you understand?

 

No matter what I may do or not do, we are already doomed by a century of blood karma and wholesale political misdeeds gone fatal, and still unchecked, still unconfessedn, till even today. Our very existence remains so far unjustified, and our mere names considered criminal. Hell already awaits us all, why do I even bother to get up and go to church and perform my work and duties? But I only seek the Truth, as always; I am addicted to Darkness, but no demon, I am enslaved to Light, but no angel; giving hope to others, but keeping none for my own.

 

The usual rules do not apply to me,

 

do you understand?

 

At the peak of Dalton Pass, with a loud crankshaft shuddering cough I engage the engine brakes, and head down, engine temperatures swiftly ratcheting back to blue, the machine normalising. For here at North Luzon, sanctuary is nearer. The green empty unpeopled plains beckon, we should go there, where lie the wild white unnamed beaches and completely blue waters and crashing Pacific Ocean waves on rocky cliffs, those cumulus white clouds, envelop me, envelop all. Join me, a few days, a few days, some hours, a fraction of this finite existence, at Sagada, Baguio, Banaue, Baler, Bontoc, Casiguran, Aparri, Conner, Apayao, Palanan, and beyond.

 

The misty mountains beckon, hundred million years of mystery underfoot, eternal monuments unmistakeably God's. We really have not much time to dwell on jealousy, nor on selfishness. We really only have here and now and today; that short lag between the lightning flash of Genesis and the thunderclap of Armageddon.

 

I want you there, I want my head in your lap, I want your fingers closing my harsh light brown eyes and mussing my thick black brown hair, I want my heart and my thoughts to be still, I want sanctuary, even temporary, and I want you be heedless and fearless and free, free, here at the seat of power, you will fear no one, fear nothing, not my murders and countermurders, not the coming nights, not the loneliness, not even yourself, not even fate, not even the end. And I shall take naught away from you,

 

for you, I would only add, for you, I would wrap such powerful arms,

 

do you understand?

 

LC

[LostCommand]

For those who have been raped by Life, and sometimes, have raped Life back, they do not need to fake the excitement and emotion dripping from their words. They write of ecstatic pleasure, of divine visions, of hellish dreams, of agony, of joy, of the world and all its machinations, of Life unmasked and bare...

 

...while the virgins write of their own little life and their own little heartbreaks. That is, until Life takes them, rapes them, and gives them a few more hard f*ck sessions for good measure.

 

And then their (creative) juices finally flow for real,

 

For ordinary lives lead to only ordinary writing

 

For us few, we are not bound by ordinary rules.

[cydney_maldita]

ironic story i think they're both unfortunate (my frnds story)

 

 

they met from an online game wayback years ago..the girl is 5 years older than ichiro, he was only 18 way back then..when charm first saw him she even laugh coz ichiro looked so young parang totoy..then they went to their house, ichiro was too silent he stayed there for 2 days without even talking too much with charm's mom, si charm lang ang kakilala nyang ngitian nde naman sila nag established ng relationship when they first met or if meron mang sweet thingy it took place before they met via texts and calls kasi he really looked young kaya naamn charm treated him as a friend, charm went through a 3 yr relationship and had had been practicing yung celibate for 3 years during that time he never got involved with anyone..after 2 umuwi n si ichiro but then ang ikinagulat ni charm is ng bumalik agad sya, palagi na nyang dinadalaw si charm, during that time, nagdedemandahan naman ang parents ni charm, and ichiro never left him kaya naman unknowingly napansin na nya na lumapit na yung loob nya, yung online game n iloveyou nagkatotoo na they even started the year (new year) together with a simple kiss under the coconut tree (hahaha chessy noh)

ichiro is a son of a yakuza, tipycal story ng mga nag jajapan.but her mom still resides in japan with her new family..charm's family is against him,tipikal family din palibhasa ichiro ang name akala mayaman nung unang makita maganda ang pagtanggap but after a while nagbago na lahat.nadalas na ung pagdalaw ni ichiro most of the time sa house na nila charm sya natutulog (nung una ok lang nga sa nanay ni charm but it became worst nung ma discover nila na may ka affrair yung mother ni charm) charm's mother disagreed sa relasyon nila samantalang nung una welcome na welcome si ichiro. suma-tutal, charm was kicked from their house.

meanwhile ichiro's grandmother invited them to stay in their house, sa totoo lang nabuhayan ng loob si charm..but once they arrived the house when ichiro went outside the house,she was about to sit on the edge of the bed "hindi ka pwede mag stay dito mag rent ka" thats the exact word that she heard, she didnt say anything instead she just smiled at her, pero parang gusto nyang umiyak almost wanted to ask na bakit ka nagyaya na dito kami tumira ni ichiro kung ganyan pala,but as sign of respect she remained silent. She took it as a challenge since shes aware that LOLA loved ichiro more than anything, in fact he is her favorite apo, so in short charm would do anything to please ichiro's family..But no matter how hard she tried still they cant accept her, pinapahiya sya nung LOLA sa harap ng tindahan and everything, pero ni minsan hindi nya ito sinagot.She was always crrying, and even if she would tell it to ichiro, he wont even say a single word kaya naamn pakiramdam nya aping api sya..Until dumating na yung day na pinipilit nung LOLA na isoli na sya sa bahay nila, she felt like a shiit na alam nila na noon paman nung nasa bahay ni charm nakatira ang apo nila na nagsasama na sila and the fact na sila ang nag invite pero binastos lang nila yung tao to the point na halos magpa alila n ito sa knila matanggap lang at for the sake ng pakikisama.then she peacefully told them na uuwi na lang sya ng mag isa that they must understand na babae sya at baka mas lalong nde magustuhan ng family nya once na isosoli sya.That time ichiro cried, ane he apologized, kasi alam nya na charm is telling the truth yet his LOLA ksi i dedeny lang thats why he had no choice but to pretend na he's deaf.

for almost 3 months she stayed in her cousin's house..si ichiro naman nagpalamig muna, but during charm's bday ofcourse he didnt missed that day,charm was surprised to see her since nde n nga sila nag uusap.after a couple of weeks they decided to meet sa clubhouse it was around 2am, 5 4 n tshirt lang ang dala ni charm.nakituloy sa kaibigan ng ilang araw and later ay they sold ichiro's pc so that they could have something to start with.at first charm worked as a csr while ichiro worked for a certain printing shop, it wasnt easy especially during the days wherein they were unemployed they skipped meals together had lot of hardships..then another good news came one of charms relative had been looking for her.

they've decided to relocate, but on before the year 2008 ended charm almost fell off due to stressed she always gets sick easily lahat ng savings napunta na sa doctor at hospital bills..so theyve both decided na babalik na muna sila pansamantala sa mga magulang nila,dahil wla ng choice ubos na ubos na..

charm's mom accepted her, ganun din si ichiro..charm used to call him hanggat kaya nya thou wla din namang pera alam kasi nya at nauunawaan na tiyak n mas hihigpitan ng lola nya si ichiro so that mawalan sila ng communication..until dumating na yung time na nde na sila nag uusap, she felt like parang napaparanoid alam nya never pang nambabae si ichiro pero what if may maka close syang iba..and she kept on waiting, na mag text or maki text (since wlang cp si ichiro kundi nanghihiram lang), she sometimes bites her nails out of desperation, found herself crying looking at their pics..then naisip nya "am i not deserving so that di sya gumawa ng way to keep in touch?" she almost wanted to scream almost hopeless but remained waiting...she looked at herself in the mirror "wasted" parang di sya makapaniwala na hanggang duon na lang ba iyon, if she should hold on or let go, 2 months ago nakausap p nya si ichiro sabi nito he wants to marry charm, na wla na syang mahihiling pa na sigurado na sya, the only thing charm told him ay wag lang sana maging weak, magtiis ng konti dahil pareho lang sila n nag titiis, na pareho lang sila ng situation,nde maka kilos dahil ni kusing wala..pero yung pagiging malungkot dahil kahit pano di na maiwasn ang magduda, pero pinipilit na lang nya na intindihin yung mga nangayayari...

she wept and cried, naging stagnant and later when i saw her i asked her to look in the mirror i cant do anything to help her but just to stare at her, coz she needs to help herself first..wla naman syang maiaayos eh if habang buhay lang paparusahan ang sarili nya diba?wlag masama maging faithfull pero ang hirap yata if di mo alam if may hinihintay ka o wala...she knws im her frnd and nothing could change that...

parang awkwad yung ending ng love story nila noh....WASTED..

[Guest biancaanne]

Teach,

 

I worry about you when you say that the trip is going to be dangerous, that to where you will be going, the sun does not show its face. And yet, my heart is enamored even more when I look at the determination on your face. I haven't seen that much passion in anyone before,ever.

 

There was something that you told me last night that made you look like a god in my eyes. Now I honestly don't know how to handle my emotions. I have tried showing you affection, more than what is called for in this arrangement of ours. And yet I sense that I should not do that again simply because I don't want to force myself into the picture. You have so many life goals to fulfill and I have none. I don't want to infect you with my sense of doom and despair.

 

I could not help but just stay silent and let my tears fall only after you have left. I know that come June onwards, you will be too busy checking off items in your bucket list. I know that somehow, I ought to understand and accept that time with you will turn into something I could only pray for.

 

I want to be able to fulfill your dreams with you (for I have none of my own). If you would let me, I would want to...

 

I want to love you. I really do...but my mind working against my heart, and is sensible enough to still hold back what is already in progress. I want to love you. I want to love you. I CAN love you. You can love me back...but I know that you're not yet ready (and neither am I).

 

Once in a while, please let me walk with you in your dreams, because I think I ought to start walking with memories of you, alone.

 

I'm too afraid to say it, so let me end this with an ellipsis, as always

 

...

 

Biang

Edited May 1, 2010 by biancaanne

[Itto Ogami]

Edited May 4, 2010 by DarkAngel
same photo uploaded twice

[Itto Ogami]

Edited May 4, 2010 by DarkAngel
same photo uploaded twice

[Seishi]

Ching,

 

Lahat na lang yata ng ayaw ko ay nasa iyo... at sa araw-araw nating pagsasama, halos nakalimutan ko na kung ano ang mga ayaw ko. Naaalala ko lang pag nagaaway tayo... hehehe

 

Isang taon na naman ang lumipas at parang walang nagbago. Sana ganito pa din pag tumanda na tayo. Ang sarap pakinggan pag sinabi mo na masarap akong kadate... dahil alam mong hindi ko alam ang salitang "Date". Ang alam ko lang ay ang maging masaya kasama ka.

 

Kahit ilang beses pa akong lumingon sa iba, hindi ko pa din kayang saktan ka. Gagawin ko ang kung ano ang pwede, at hanggang doon lang. Okay lang na masaktan ako, o kung sino man... wag lang ikaw. Mahal kita dahil alam kong mas mahal mo ako.

 

 

Kulot

[Guest biancaanne]

Teach,

 

I'm sorry. I'd rather be your friend than nothing at all.

 

Biang

[mayzappy]

Sweet,

 

I'm afraid it's time to let go...

 

 

may