The Mail Box

[roxysnonie]

 

beyond words

its the language of thoughts,

beyond action

the understanding of emotions...

[Manticore]

M,

 

What is it that you want in life, Manticore? You seem so complacent. Not that contentment's a bad thing, but you don't seem to be striving for anything at all. Is this the way it's going to be until you pass away? Please tell me there's something more than just getting by. As your real-life persona, I urge you to do something---anything, to make your life of some consequence. Don't let it slip by without making some difference in this world, no matter how small it is. We need this, Bro'. It's the only way we'll ever be able to die with some smidgen of dignity.

 

Your true friend,

S

[Wyld]

you will never understand the pain that you have inflicted on me. i hope this will help you fathom just exactly what im going through.

Pain.

 

Pain is never simple. Pain is never easy. Pain rends your heart in two and causes you to bleed from the inside. It’s a long slow death … with no hope of mercy in sight.

 

That is exactly what I have been going through the past 4 days. I’m so sore and tender that I will probably burst at the littlest nudge. I am so fragile and prone to tears that it seems to me I have done nothing but cry … and when I’m done crying, I cry some more. I have even begun to cry in my sleep.

 

I have not had rest. I lie abed, I toss, I turn. I close my eyes and I see images I wish to forget. I turn a deaf ear to words I wish I had never heard. I try to numb my heart and my soul but they feel. They weep. They rant and rage against the hurt that was inflicted upon it.

 

I try to keep a brave face. I try to reassure myself that I will be fine, but I know I won’t be. At least, not in a long time. Not while I constantly remember, not while I’m constantly exposed, not while I feel, not while I live and breathe.

 

I don’t know what the remedy is for this gnawing, aching, raging pain I feel. Moving away from the cause of pain is not the answer. The hurt inflicted was so deeply and fully etched in my being that even if I dug the deepest hole and buried myself there, I would still ache, I would still hurt. Forgetting is out of the question, it has left a scar in my heart that time might erase… The scar hurts like the devil right now, it does not seem as if it will stop.

 

I have tried to block the pain by keeping busy. Like a dervish, I had immersed myself into a million things that I can do. I keep walking, driving, moving, spinning. I don’t want to sit still, for to sit still is to remember, and to remember is to ache. I cannot ache this way anymore. I will shatter into a million pieces and disappear from this world if I continue to ache this way.

 

I am tired. My body seeks refuge, my mind seeks rest, my soul seeks solace. I yearn for the hurting to stop. I want nothing more than to feel that life will be all right again. Yet, I stand here unconvinced that it will ever be the same, unable to believe that things will ever be all right again, unbelieving of words heard and promises made.

 

So many times I have tried to trace where I went wrong, what I did wrong, what was wrong with me. I have vainly tried to understand the cause of this pain. I have, in all futility, tried to accept that I cannot change this situation anymore – that the only thing I can do is live with it.

 

Live with it? Who am I kidding. There is no living with it. How does one live knowing that an ardent, albeit unspoken, desire shall no longer be fulfilled. How does one go on believing that life will bring something good when something good had been yanked out of that life in an instant. How does one go on hoping when all hope had been dashed away at the wink of an eye.

 

I cry yet again. My tears fall unbidden. I try to stop crying, but even that is denied me. Weeping has been my constant company, along with the misery that has taken up residence in what used to be my warm and loving heart.

 

I hate myself for what I have become - I struggle to return to the person that lived in this shell of a body a few days back, I search for the person that was, the person that will never be. But I cannot find her – not in the company of family and friends, not in the hustle and bustle of daily life, not in the quiet raging of the heart that used to hold such hope and joy and love. I am not who I used to be. I am forever marred and scarred by this pain, and even if I did reach that point of forgetting, it has left its mark, forever.

 

I yearn to end the pain. I want to stop hurting. I don’t know how. I see no relief in sight.

 

I will welcome oblivion if that is the answer – numbness is a welcome respite.

 

Please. Enough already.

Edited December 27, 2004 by Wyld

[moonflower]

sometimes i wish i didn't stand so close because now what? shall i stand here and see you love her? i can't pretend it doesn't hurt me because it does. and yet again i wonder, why didn't you ever see me? why did you have to look somewhere else when i have been here all along? why did you close your door and never paid attention? why couldn't you haveat least tried to look my way... and maybe just maybe you'd have loved what you see. and if after looking you realize it was wrong and there really is no way you'd feel the same for me, at least you have given me and us the chance. and you know i'd be so thankful even for that chance...

 

 

i wish you just knew... becausenow i can't bear to see it. i love you so much but i cannot pretend this doesn't hurt because it hurts so so much. maybe someday i will learn to accept and be happy for you. even with the pain i feel, a part of me knows you deserve to be happy. i just wished to be the one who could give you that happiness. to be the one to inspire you and make you smile. and i have tried. this is why it hurts...because i know now more than before that for you to be happy means i have to set you free.yes, i can still make you happy. but not in my arms. and it damn f*cking hurts!

[warhammer]

C,

 

I just really have to say this... You're just too nice, its starting to have negative effects on your judgment. I don't think this is the right job for you anymore.

 

D

[KIASU]

DOLLY,

I SHOULD HAVE SAID "YES".

[tio_pot]

G,

 

Maybe it's now time to say goodbye...

 

JB

[smaug]

inlove as i am,

but ignoble i be

for no honor is within the dammed

as to a man who embraces infidelity

 

yes, my heart is torn...

for two nightingales sings sweetly,

each with melodies so lovely

to a fool who wishes to be unborn...

 

curse to my doomed unfaithful heart,

for sorrows and hurts it will cause...

to the abyss i will gladly go,

for both nightingales i can never leave

[sweetpsyche]

PHENOMENAL WOMAN

Maya Angelou

 

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them,

They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms,

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I am a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

 

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It's the fire in my eyes,

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing in my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I am a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

 

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them

They say they can't see.

I say,

It's in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I am a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

 

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

The palm of my hand,

The need for my care.

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

[forbidden]

Long Unwanted Hiatus

 

It's been awhile and my blood has cooled with time, like a pot left out for days after the boil.

 

Now the embers are being brought to life once more, and the fetters that held the spirit are once again coming apart - ripped by the force of communion and the explosion of emotion. And now, again, I can revel in the thought that I, the nameless, can exist here in this space and expect nothing else but the honest sentiments of the community that for a brief moment nurtured my creative spirit.

 

I feel my blood beginning to turn from cold into warmth. I feel the rush of excitement again. I feel returned to a place I was away from for too long.

 

I hope this stays. I hope this stays.

 

Fates who control the times and the tides of activity - I wish to be free to live in this space once more.

[de hunter]

Akala ko nagbago ka na, di pa rin pala.

 

talagang mahirap gamotin ang CANCER...lalo at malubha na.

Edited December 29, 2004 by de hunter

[kiko machine]

to my beloved oficmate, sana ngayon na 2005 na ay magkaroon na ako ng lakas ng loob

na ligawan ka, hay naku ewan ko ba, tyope ata talaga ako, gusto ko lng naman na

mapakita sa'yo na mahal kta at maniwala ka sa sinasabi ko, kahit di mo na ako sagutin

oks lng, maniwala ka lng na mahal kta... pero syempre naman mas OK kng sasagutin mo

ako.. he he he.... sana by the grace of God ay maligawan kta at sna magkaroon ng

milagro at maging girlfriend kta.... SANA TALAGA....

[Manticore]

M,

 

Am glad that you've finally come to your senses (apparently. We'll see if it's only a fluke. heheheh.) Hope you got that habit licked. I expected this much, but you surprised me by not allowing it to overwhelm you...unlike in the past with other similar situations. There's hope for you yet, old friend. This bodes well for your future. Keep it up!

 

With you until the end,

S

[Guest temperamental]

D,

 

what do I remember about you, my first love?

 

i've known you since the first grade... you are the Kuya of one of my classmates, you were their batch's gentle giant, we were friends...

 

High school, I started seeing you in a different light, and I know you did,too.. But you were scheduled to move to Canada... that was the first time I cried over a guy, my first love, and the day before you left the, we talked and poured out our feelings to each other and promised we would still keep in touch and will be together someday...

 

That was back in 1995.. 10 years. And I complain about having short-lived relationships. But 10 years....

 

Yes we are still in touch, you are my best (guy) friend, although you may not realize you are... you know all of my secrets, from my heartaches, family problems, sexcapades, all of my deepest darkest secrets you know.. I do, too, know so many things about you even your close friends do not know.. and despite the fact that you know that I am not the same girl that you know, you still accept me...AS I AM...

 

Isn't it funny that we never had a formal relationship? You were simply scared of trying a long distance affair, and though you had girlfriends, you'd tell me how special I am ... that if only we were not physically apart, it there would have been us and it would have been 10 years now...

 

And sometimes I wonder... I have never been successful in finding the right man. Is that because I have already found him, and all we need is to be together and for the distance to be taken out of the picture...

 

He is you, D. You are him.

 

You are the guy I could and will never have... You is my first love...

 

R

[forbidden]

TO kiko machine and bdg:

 

your love, unrequited

your supplications offered

that heart will be accepted

and love be undeterred

 

i wish you courage - the beacon

to guide and give you purpose

all love is never done

till effort brings it to a close

 

dedicated to you guys!

(was just inspired by your posts)