The Mail Box

[iwalkalone]

Should I feel sorry if people like yourself hate my posts? Frankly...I don't give a damn. I really don't care what you all think of me....Just ignore me if you must....it really won't matter to me at all. Please leave me be.

[iwalkalone]

madilim na gabi,

Please stop it already you're getting on my nerves....I thought I made it clear to you already. I never had any feelings for you and I never will. Take that and go! .... If you still can't comprehend ... then godammit you need serious psychiatry!!!! ( please!! i don't wanna be rude, it's just that you make me wanna loathe you.....and believe me...i'm getting there! <_< )

[G T]

i hope you are feeling better today. if you need someone to atlk to and listen to you, im here.always.

take care and i miss you so much.

[black cat]

T,

 

Alam mo, iniisip ko na lang twing mangangati ako na email or itext ka? Na mas masaya ka na ngayon kaya hindi na kita dapat guluhin. Nakakalungkot pero yun naman talaga ang gusto ko umpisa pa lang na mapansin kita. Gusto ko na mapasaya ka. Honestly, na-frustrate ako na sa mga huling times na okey pa tayo, hindi na kse kita napapasaya.

 

Iniisip ko lagi ngayon.. sana sinabi mo na lang na ayaw mo na.. hindi yun dinaan mo pa sa mga "unanswered questions" tsaka mga "galit" na pinapamukha mo yun mga PAST mistakes ko. Mas lalo lang tuloy akong nasaktan. Twing maiisip ko yun mga harsh words sa email mo, naiiyak pa rin ako.

 

Pinagupit ko na ng maiksi ang hair ko.. pinaiba ko na din ang kulay.. pati style ng makeup ko, iba na rin.. dinelete ko na rin yun msn messenger ko.. dinelete ko na rin lahat ng handle mo sa ym list ko.. binago ko na rin yun password ko na pangalan mo. Ayaw ko na kseng maisip or maalala ka kaya gusto ko ng burahin lahat ng mga bagay nag-uugnay sa tin pero parang pang-asar, nakita pa kita kagabi.. naalala ko na naman tuloy lahat.. napaiyak mo na naman ako.

[Barenaked-NoMre]

Ate R,

 

Thanks for the invite to celebrate my bday with you guys at Pacita. That means SO much, if you ONLY knew.

 

I did arrange for Thanksgiving mass at Greenbelt for 5:45 pm tomorrow. Was planning to hear mass then possibly MEAT up with someone. Yet, am glad I'll be spending with my loved ones ... family. ;-)

 

A

[missmanners]

over a glass of wine at m last sunday afternoon, we talked about our lives... how just a few months ago we were in an industry we couldn't imagine ever leaving. and now here we are... you scrambling up a different corporate ladder completely... and myself unemployed, but not for long hopefully. i got the job offer i was hoping for... and it was all i ever hoped for really. but now that it's here, i don't know why i'm suddenly hesitant.

 

i guess it's hearing about the projects i left behind doing well now. all the plans i thought up in my head finally materializing without me... all the credit of course going to the ones i left behind instead of the one that broke her back over it. no matter. i'm still happy with my decision, like i said last sunday. i don't think i could ever go back and live with being a small fish in a big pond again... trying to prove to everyone i deserve to torture myself and play their dirty games.

 

i would rather be here, where i am now, deciding on job offers from companies i never would have thought of working for before... it's so much more calm here, where we both are actually. the only ones we have to please now are ourselves. and our souls aren't up for grabs in hell in order for us to do better. the norm of stress and extended work hours is apparently abnormal. the politicking and the backstabbing doesn't have to be the rule instead of an occupational hazard. sleeping well and having time for myself is my right instead of a privilege. isn't it so much better this way?

 

siiigh.

 

maybe the person i'm trying hard to convince isn't you. it's probably me.

[Dr_PepPeR]

I called you on a whim. Boy, was I ever surprised! You never tripped, you had that cute twang, and you never tripped. Yes, alright, maybe a twang is just cute but I found myself thoroughly enjoying our conversation. You have substance gurl, and believe me when I say that. I felt like I was talking to one of my old girl friends, I could just listen and talk with you for ages. When we meet next week, I will have no regrets if we just spend the time talking and looking at each other's eyes. Can't wait to meet you!

[iwalkalone]

Dear Manang'

Ano ka vah naman...50 yrs old ka na yata di ka parin po marunong magluto....hanep lagi na kong late sa f#&king job ko dahil sayoh!!! :cry: prito lang yata alam mo tsaka saing!!!....dyusmeh ang tamad tamad mo pah...aakyat ka lang sa hagdan...mga 15 mins ata bago ka makarating sa tuktok....may arthritis ka po ba Manang? :cry: .huhuhuhu! :cry: at bat ganyan mukha mo Manang?....para kang female version ni poppeye ...na pinalaklak ng samboteng datu puti! AAAAAAARGH!!!

tsaka bakit po ba lagi kang nasa labas...? hay dyusko....mahadera kang lola kah! :cry: talo mo pa po ako ah....di ka makalabas ng alang lipstick , lotion, pulbos at di ayos ang hair! :cry: ...manang.....manang...!!! nakaka stress ka!!!! :cry: :cry: :cry:

 

 

oist madilim na gabi....baka naman isipin mo ikaw parin si manang ha????!!!! grrrrr!

Edited September 1, 2006 by iwalkalone

[LostCommand]

General order number 18.

 

Mistakes were made. Words could have been better chosen. Some of the timing of the presentations were not perfect. Some of the stage cues were missed. We at times provided information unnecessarily, and so unwittingly inviting questions on ourselves. And, of course, our big-game targets shot back on heavy-caliber full-auto rifle fire, upsetting our aim - this is a war, not a safari; the "prey" are equally armed, and all the hunters are also the hunted.

 

But otherwise, especially with regard technical content, we were flawless.

 

The outlines of this master plan have now gelled in the bosses' mental vision, the economical concept of modularity accepted enthusiastically on the very first day. Only the details are actually still up for debate these following closing weeks.

 

We have achieved 80 percent; the Pareto principle applies this time.

 

Now for the next three weeks (including weekends and evenings, as usual) we set down the colorful ideas to plain paper, document insights into cold graphs, and convert inspiration into dry worksheets. Some of the magic may be lost, yes, in translating visions to ink. But the name of the game these next three weeks is now efficient staff work of the highest order;

 

So we put on a different mask, as always: "...all the world's a stage"

 

DF - you are learning, you are learning, though I still had to kick you under the table a few times. Do not talk too fast, especially given your accent.

CC - I've made up for your loss of face, and more.

ST - Thanks for that last minute save. I thought I had to invoke that dirty trick of damage control proceedings.

 

By now, as I write this, you folks and the rest of the team would all be back on the regional HQ, that steel and glass tower. Take this weekend off - Monday we go back to (yet another) grind.

 

As for the sole Pinoy in all this, he flies back tomorrow. Tonight he is off, barely masked, anonymous, hunting down some long lost friends, Females, preferably.

 

Get me drink, somebody,

 

LC

[chipmaker]

hey you...

 

thanks. i had a great time. let's do it again next month okay? i really hope that project summit pushes through. and yes, i'll take you there regardless if it's my nth time to disney already. hahaha.

 

a kiss for chelsea from her uncle... :*

 

take care.

 

sieg

[TNT Hsia]

Congratulations for being a good husband & father. I don't see many breadwinning men who'll prioritize & support their spouse's post-grad education before their own or bathe, dress & care for their baby like you do. I admire you for telling me that we aren't going to that lapdance place anymore (even if I wasn't asking you to, hahaha) because you've become a practicing Catholic again.

 

Sorry for the times I may have said hurtful things. Being single, not being qualified to be a parent, having my selfish desires to marry & have my own family while having to help raise you & your two siblings after your dad left & as your mom suffered from a terminal illness -- they were never valid excuses for some things I said & punishments I inflicted on you. At the end of the day, you were understanding & took all I said constructively.

 

Sorry for the times I may have set a bad example. The occasional rowdy parties, drinking & late nights, indecent materials I at times accidentally left lying carelessly around, racist jokes, even if I made it clear I was only fooling around... You & your siblings may have found them amusing & tis good it stayed as far as that. How embarrassed I'd be if you did the same & attributed it to me. *embarrassed chuckle*

 

T'was my greatest fear that I failed you: when you got booted out of school for academic & disciplinary causes; when you were kicked out even from the only high school your lolo could find to accept you. Those times made me cry because I blamed it on myself & shared that pain at awkward adolescent stage you went through. When you were of age you had a choice: join your dad in the US or stay with me. I advised you to choose what would be the best for your future & you picked right.

 

For a while, I thought you flew the nest too soon. You were in between jobs quite often, prone to depression, hating yourself even more than the world that you think gave you a raw deal in life... Like all men, you had to go through your personal fires to forge your character into what you are destined to become.

 

Although you had a rocky start, look at you now. Living the American materialist dream yet remaining a Filipino in heart & soul: looking after your siblings & helping provide for them when they are tight; taking a wetback into your home & treating her like family as we did our household help; your words & example being their guiding light. You've done many things I only dream of. You're mom up there is surely proud of you, even more than I for she delivered you!

 

Though in your heart you still hold me in awe for the things I've done & you perceive I am, I must say you are made of better stuff than me. That's for sure now. Please keep it up. Continue to exceed me, more importantly. exceed yourself.

 

Thanks for helping me conquer all fear of death & life by telling me this on your wedding day & when you were an expectant father: Thank you, Uncle for looking after mom & raising me the way you did. Because of you, I really want to be a good husband & daddy but more importantly, a good human being.

 

I know one day your children will say the same to you & who knows, surprise you with better words of thanks. Because of you, I can thank the Lord for giving me a life well lived & the signs of my breathe, my life & my time that there are better things ahead for me to do.

 

I love you!

Edited September 1, 2006 by TNT Hsia

[Dr_PepPeR]

Ms. K

 

Changed my mind. Lab talaga kita. I'd want to spend more time with you now that we're at this stage. For the first time I felt so comfortable with you at the party.

 

Ms. K the other

 

I see you around and we just seem to ignore each other. But I see you and take a second look hoping to find out what you're up to. I guess you're OK. I miss you girl, but you seem to be a bit uhmm busy. Just so nice to see you in a good mood more often.

 

Ms. K the third

 

I had so much fun talking to you. Can't wait to meet you.

 

Ms. R

 

Sorry for being bitchy last night. I'm not hiding anything from you. It's that womens-way-of-thinking syndrome again. You imagine all sorts of reasons for a very simple act.

 

Ms. R the other

 

I'll see you again and sooner than you think.

[iwalkalone]

Thank you....bawal magka sakit! di makakayanan ni iwalkalone

[naked_angel]

for most people a few words can change everything...

 

 

but not me.

 

 

sorry is not one of them

 

 

and neither is i love you

[BlackWizard]

My dearest N,

 

Knowing you was one of the best days in my life... You make me smile when my work gets in to my nerves. You make me laugh when you do that baby talk and most of all you make me happy just by talking with me...

 

(Your promise of baking a C for me is one of the things I look forward to in my dull life)

 

Yours truly...

R.

 

PS: :*

Edited September 3, 2006 by BlackWizard

[Dr_PepPeR]

Ms. K,

 

Do you really mean what you say? I still wonder sometimes....

 

Ms. K the other,

 

Happy for you! Want to see you but there's just no time....

Edited September 3, 2006 by Dr_PepPeR

[iwalkalone]

Bestfriend,

I knew it....to be this close...something deeper is inevitable. I care for you now more than i ever did before....I'm still unsure....i might only be experiencing something i've never really known all my life. Let's stay this way...this close... I need you :flowers: :heart: Iwa

Edited September 3, 2006 by iwalkalone

[TNT Hsia]

Dear Tatay,

 

I understand so many things

 

Why you didn't care so much for me even when I was born. Nanay nearly died delivering me. If I had been in your place, I'd probably feel the same way at the time too but maybe not as long as you did.

 

Why you didn't provide me any more than tokens of attention a father is obliged to give. I became Nanay's favorite (maybe because I nearly cost her life) & yours & the rest of the family's rival for her affection that I wasn't even asking for.

 

Why you, in agreement with Nanay & everyone else in the family, believed I can't think for myself, don't know what to do with my life & doubted the success of ventures I set out on my own. For a while, I even agreed with everyone until someone challenged me to prove I & everyone was wrong & until you conspired with the father of my first true love to deprive me & her of that magical moment to which everyone is entitled.

 

Why you got sorely pissed with my flying the coop before college graduation, taking a college course you looked down on, casting a curse that I will be the biggest loser among your kids because life was all about you & that you always had to be the one right all the time.

 

Why not? You thought you knew love for you won the heart of a lady whom even a prince offered a throne & the heart of the most beautiful woman in the universe at the time. You thought you were strong & patriotic for fighting the Japs & asking no reward from the Yanks in return because you did it for the Philippines, not the USA. You thought you knew what's best because you have made, lose & recovered fortunes & provided for your one & only family of nine.

 

It must have been bittersweet to see me prove you wrong about me, that I can carve my life anywhere I want to in the world. From letters of Nanay, I imagine your silence when you receive good news about me that make fathers proud. From your own mouth, I heard no consoling words but "I told you so..." & "Palpak ka talaga!" from the tiniest mishaps humans are prone to commit to the failures of marriage plans already set.

 

What irritated you the most was seeing your opinion of me no longer mattered to me. That I was living life not for you but because it pleased me. You taught me well why & how to be independent of you, that I can live without you & wear proud our irrenciliable differences. However, that irritation seems nothing compared to realizing & seeing that you still mattered to me. So here I am.

 

It must be getting even harder to lose the good looks, your physical strength the dignity of working for a living, even commending to God a couple of your kids, my siblings. In the end, I see you count the blessings left: the voices, images & thoughts of your children, grandkids & great grandkids are well though scattered across four winds; fondly recounting memories of your rites of passage, flirtatious youth & life with Nanay; acknowledging mistakes & reflecting regret in your eyes.

 

Your frustrations show in your quiet tears & childish tantrums & your wits return to you when you hear me talk to you as your offspring, no longer a child but your personal carer. You realize the things that you thought wrong of me & try to take back your rebukes of me. You see words are like bullets, when fired, can't be returned to their chambers.

 

For a long time they no longer hurt me, Tatay. You can no longer hurt me. I don't desire to hurt you back either. I'm just thankful for the opportunity to be here with you & Nanay & learning what counts in life at the end.

 

Regardless of the pains we may have inflicted on each other, they are integral to the happy times we've spent as a family & will continue to spend together with the time God graces us.

 

I love you Tatay & I know you love me. That's what counts.

[LostCommand]

General order number 19.

 

No matter how the bosses may wine and dine us, in the most intimate and poshest of private places at that, clinking crystal, piled carpets, shiny sterling and soft talking butlers and all, never act as if at once familiar, nor instantly totally at-home, nor completely deserving of company. You must, initially, maintain a certain formality, a certain respect, a certain distance, a certain politeness, a certain humility. They are where they are, and we are where we are, and that will not change over 10 dinners, nor over a year. We have no idea of the blood and scars it must have taken them to earn them their Directors' seats - so do not presume ourselves their equals.

 

You could be wrong, dead rotten wrong.

 

Time is essential to allow you to get closer to their company, at least, to more than the superficial. No amount of hard work, flirting, and conscious effort will substitute for that necessary modicum of slow maturation. What is actually happening is that these bosses know that any faults, weaknesses, inconsistencies, quirks of behaviour, background and breeding, and other possible angles you may carry, will naturally come out given enough time and space, and without requiring any conscious effort on their part except to wait and see. And so they will want to let all these things come out and be judged to their satisfaction, before they accept us into their circle, and before they allow us to progress beyond the superficial bonds. This gradual acceptance may take months, if not years.

 

In any relationship, there is no substitute for time.

 

Call is snobbishnes, call it high falutin' elitist manners, but before anyone can drop his/her guard and be who he/she really are, firstly he/she also need to know who the other persons really are, as well. Logical, isn't it? This initial stage of guardedness cannot be rushed nor skipped; the stakes are often too high, unless the relationship is anyway of little lasting importance to either party. And the higher the we go up the hierarchy, the more prolonged this stage may be. Obvious now, is it not?

 

You will know in no uncertain terms once this stage is over.

 

The same with friendships, the same with partners, and I dare say, the same with even simple booty calls. Mere intimacy, especially rapid intimacy, does not justify the instant trust or overnight familiarity of both parties towards each another - this will lead only to unintended contempt and an early failure of relationships, of any sort. Only after some period of time has elapsed should anyone allow himself to drop his masks to trusted others without fear of revealing his many mistakes and weaknesses, risking ridicule, or worse, suffering misunderstanding.

 

Trust and familiarity are earned slowly, in the meantime, please exercise reserve and restraint, practice proper polity, suffer some formality

 

Your dark lesson for the week,

 

LC

 

(back to exile, dang it)

[bluegreen717]

JG,

 

I am very, very, happy that you have found comfort and solace, and trust, in TJ. It pains me that you had to ask him, in confidence, why I hated D, and the answer you offered was exactly what I gave you: disrespect, and D's furtive answer that I would never forgive him. It hurts me to realize that this early, D and I have caused you pain, and even more so now that you are keeping such turmoil in secret. Could you be like most grown-ups, already forcing a veneer of strength to everyone around you? Cry, my baby, cry, if you want to, I'll never berate you for being your age.

 

I'm sorry if I cannot teach you forgiveness, I'm sorry if I cannot teach you generosity. Somehow, such qualities failed me. But it never failed L, and I am hoping that she teaches you well. TJ, too. A very forgiving, and very generous, man. The only two people I will ever entrust your future to.

 

One day you'll read all my letters, and understand.

 

M

[LostCommand]

General order number 20,

 

We have reached battle efficiency

 

Others would call this, light at the end of the tunnel. Two weeks of hard slogging are left, but we already know what to do and whilst we still suffer hits and casualties (and sleepless nights and packed weekends), these are just the the unavoidable injuries sustained in the normal course of work, and are more in the nature of wounds than fatalities.

 

I will not write to you much now, over these next two weeks. We all know, more or less, what paperworks are left for us to do in this particular project. Many other concerns, other work and projects, will now start crowding in on us, as well as personal matters too long put on hold.

 

Stone cold, battle efficiency. How intimidating we must look to the other side.

 

LC

Edited September 5, 2006 by LostCommand

[Psychotherapist]

How can it be declared to be just fine? A prayer in the morning and a devout church service every Sabbath, and yet...

 

Let us not exaggerate; it is a sin to masturbate.

[Barenaked-NoMre]

Y,

 

You must have forgot.

 

Anyway ...

 

A

[Mobius Stripper]

Sleep it off, Bud!

Yesterday's a given.

Today's always a present.

Tomorrow never comes.

Remember, no matter how tires you get, you have an eternity upon which to rest.

[missmanners]

i remember the butterflies.

the questions that came afterwards.

the wondering if this was even right.

so soon after the other one,

i mean.

i couldn't really see straight.

but i remember the butterflies.

and the surprising giddiness.

and the overwhelming realizations.

and then the disarming acceptance.

and now the paralyzing attachment.

 

but i do remember the butterflies.

i just wish they were still around.