The Mail Box

[roxysnonie]

 

beyond words

its the language of thoughts,

beyond action

the understanding of emotions...

[Manticore]

M,

 

What is it that you want in life, Manticore? You seem so complacent. Not that contentment's a bad thing, but you don't seem to be striving for anything at all. Is this the way it's going to be until you pass away? Please tell me there's something more than just getting by. As your real-life persona, I urge you to do something---anything, to make your life of some consequence. Don't let it slip by without making some difference in this world, no matter how small it is. We need this, Bro'. It's the only way we'll ever be able to die with some smidgen of dignity.

 

Your true friend,

S

[Wyld]

you will never understand the pain that you have inflicted on me. i hope this will help you fathom just exactly what im going through.

Pain.

 

Pain is never simple. Pain is never easy. Pain rends your heart in two and causes you to bleed from the inside. It’s a long slow death … with no hope of mercy in sight.

 

That is exactly what I have been going through the past 4 days. I’m so sore and tender that I will probably burst at the littlest nudge. I am so fragile and prone to tears that it seems to me I have done nothing but cry … and when I’m done crying, I cry some more. I have even begun to cry in my sleep.

 

I have not had rest. I lie abed, I toss, I turn. I close my eyes and I see images I wish to forget. I turn a deaf ear to words I wish I had never heard. I try to numb my heart and my soul but they feel. They weep. They rant and rage against the hurt that was inflicted upon it.

 

I try to keep a brave face. I try to reassure myself that I will be fine, but I know I won’t be. At least, not in a long time. Not while I constantly remember, not while I’m constantly exposed, not while I feel, not while I live and breathe.

 

I don’t know what the remedy is for this gnawing, aching, raging pain I feel. Moving away from the cause of pain is not the answer. The hurt inflicted was so deeply and fully etched in my being that even if I dug the deepest hole and buried myself there, I would still ache, I would still hurt. Forgetting is out of the question, it has left a scar in my heart that time might erase… The scar hurts like the devil right now, it does not seem as if it will stop.

 

I have tried to block the pain by keeping busy. Like a dervish, I had immersed myself into a million things that I can do. I keep walking, driving, moving, spinning. I don’t want to sit still, for to sit still is to remember, and to remember is to ache. I cannot ache this way anymore. I will shatter into a million pieces and disappear from this world if I continue to ache this way.

 

I am tired. My body seeks refuge, my mind seeks rest, my soul seeks solace. I yearn for the hurting to stop. I want nothing more than to feel that life will be all right again. Yet, I stand here unconvinced that it will ever be the same, unable to believe that things will ever be all right again, unbelieving of words heard and promises made.

 

So many times I have tried to trace where I went wrong, what I did wrong, what was wrong with me. I have vainly tried to understand the cause of this pain. I have, in all futility, tried to accept that I cannot change this situation anymore – that the only thing I can do is live with it.

 

Live with it? Who am I kidding. There is no living with it. How does one live knowing that an ardent, albeit unspoken, desire shall no longer be fulfilled. How does one go on believing that life will bring something good when something good had been yanked out of that life in an instant. How does one go on hoping when all hope had been dashed away at the wink of an eye.

 

I cry yet again. My tears fall unbidden. I try to stop crying, but even that is denied me. Weeping has been my constant company, along with the misery that has taken up residence in what used to be my warm and loving heart.

 

I hate myself for what I have become - I struggle to return to the person that lived in this shell of a body a few days back, I search for the person that was, the person that will never be. But I cannot find her – not in the company of family and friends, not in the hustle and bustle of daily life, not in the quiet raging of the heart that used to hold such hope and joy and love. I am not who I used to be. I am forever marred and scarred by this pain, and even if I did reach that point of forgetting, it has left its mark, forever.

 

I yearn to end the pain. I want to stop hurting. I don’t know how. I see no relief in sight.

 

I will welcome oblivion if that is the answer – numbness is a welcome respite.

 

Please. Enough already.

Edited December 27, 2004 by Wyld

[moonflower]

sometimes i wish i didn't stand so close because now what? shall i stand here and see you love her? i can't pretend it doesn't hurt me because it does. and yet again i wonder, why didn't you ever see me? why did you have to look somewhere else when i have been here all along? why did you close your door and never paid attention? why couldn't you haveat least tried to look my way... and maybe just maybe you'd have loved what you see. and if after looking you realize it was wrong and there really is no way you'd feel the same for me, at least you have given me and us the chance. and you know i'd be so thankful even for that chance...

 

 

i wish you just knew... becausenow i can't bear to see it. i love you so much but i cannot pretend this doesn't hurt because it hurts so so much. maybe someday i will learn to accept and be happy for you. even with the pain i feel, a part of me knows you deserve to be happy. i just wished to be the one who could give you that happiness. to be the one to inspire you and make you smile. and i have tried. this is why it hurts...because i know now more than before that for you to be happy means i have to set you free.yes, i can still make you happy. but not in my arms. and it damn f*cking hurts!

[warhammer]

C,

 

I just really have to say this... You're just too nice, its starting to have negative effects on your judgment. I don't think this is the right job for you anymore.

 

D

[KIASU]

DOLLY,

I SHOULD HAVE SAID "YES".

[tio_pot]

G,

 

Maybe it's now time to say goodbye...

 

JB

[smaug]

inlove as i am,

but ignoble i be

for no honor is within the dammed

as to a man who embraces infidelity

 

yes, my heart is torn...

for two nightingales sings sweetly,

each with melodies so lovely

to a fool who wishes to be unborn...

 

curse to my doomed unfaithful heart,

for sorrows and hurts it will cause...

to the abyss i will gladly go,

for both nightingales i can never leave

[sweetpsyche]

PHENOMENAL WOMAN

Maya Angelou

 

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them,

They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms,

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I am a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

 

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It's the fire in my eyes,

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing in my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I am a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

 

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them

They say they can't see.

I say,

It's in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I am a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

 

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

The palm of my hand,

The need for my care.

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

[forbidden]

Long Unwanted Hiatus

 

It's been awhile and my blood has cooled with time, like a pot left out for days after the boil.

 

Now the embers are being brought to life once more, and the fetters that held the spirit are once again coming apart - ripped by the force of communion and the explosion of emotion. And now, again, I can revel in the thought that I, the nameless, can exist here in this space and expect nothing else but the honest sentiments of the community that for a brief moment nurtured my creative spirit.

 

I feel my blood beginning to turn from cold into warmth. I feel the rush of excitement again. I feel returned to a place I was away from for too long.

 

I hope this stays. I hope this stays.

 

Fates who control the times and the tides of activity - I wish to be free to live in this space once more.

[de hunter]

Akala ko nagbago ka na, di pa rin pala.

 

talagang mahirap gamotin ang CANCER...lalo at malubha na.

Edited December 29, 2004 by de hunter

[kiko machine]

to my beloved oficmate, sana ngayon na 2005 na ay magkaroon na ako ng lakas ng loob

na ligawan ka, hay naku ewan ko ba, tyope ata talaga ako, gusto ko lng naman na

mapakita sa'yo na mahal kta at maniwala ka sa sinasabi ko, kahit di mo na ako sagutin

oks lng, maniwala ka lng na mahal kta... pero syempre naman mas OK kng sasagutin mo

ako.. he he he.... sana by the grace of God ay maligawan kta at sna magkaroon ng

milagro at maging girlfriend kta.... SANA TALAGA....

[Manticore]

M,

 

Am glad that you've finally come to your senses (apparently. We'll see if it's only a fluke. heheheh.) Hope you got that habit licked. I expected this much, but you surprised me by not allowing it to overwhelm you...unlike in the past with other similar situations. There's hope for you yet, old friend. This bodes well for your future. Keep it up!

 

With you until the end,

S

[Guest temperamental]

D,

 

what do I remember about you, my first love?

 

i've known you since the first grade... you are the Kuya of one of my classmates, you were their batch's gentle giant, we were friends...

 

High school, I started seeing you in a different light, and I know you did,too.. But you were scheduled to move to Canada... that was the first time I cried over a guy, my first love, and the day before you left the, we talked and poured out our feelings to each other and promised we would still keep in touch and will be together someday...

 

That was back in 1995.. 10 years. And I complain about having short-lived relationships. But 10 years....

 

Yes we are still in touch, you are my best (guy) friend, although you may not realize you are... you know all of my secrets, from my heartaches, family problems, sexcapades, all of my deepest darkest secrets you know.. I do, too, know so many things about you even your close friends do not know.. and despite the fact that you know that I am not the same girl that you know, you still accept me...AS I AM...

 

Isn't it funny that we never had a formal relationship? You were simply scared of trying a long distance affair, and though you had girlfriends, you'd tell me how special I am ... that if only we were not physically apart, it there would have been us and it would have been 10 years now...

 

And sometimes I wonder... I have never been successful in finding the right man. Is that because I have already found him, and all we need is to be together and for the distance to be taken out of the picture...

 

He is you, D. You are him.

 

You are the guy I could and will never have... You is my first love...

 

R

[forbidden]

TO kiko machine and bdg:

 

your love, unrequited

your supplications offered

that heart will be accepted

and love be undeterred

 

i wish you courage - the beacon

to guide and give you purpose

all love is never done

till effort brings it to a close

 

dedicated to you guys!

(was just inspired by your posts)

[de hunter]

Alam kong dumadalaw ka pa rin dito, Ito'y para sa iyo.

 

ako'y naglilinis ng inbox aking ng di sinasadyang mabuksan ko itong email mo sa akin,

 

isa ito sa mga pangungusap mo;

 

<<<Mahal ka ng Diyos na si Hesus Kristo. He die for us for our sins. ibinigay niya ang kanyang buhay para sa iyo sa akin at sa lahat>>>

 

kaya pala di ka nangiming gumawa ng nakadidiring kasalanan.

 

paki usap.... huwag mong gamitin ang diyos para maniwala ang tao sa inyo.

 

MANGILABOT KA!!!

Edited January 1, 2005 by de hunter

[arrow]

to my fu$#@in boss,

 

sawang sawa na ko sa mga angals mo!nakakarindi na mga sermon mo!

magbago na tayo ha...,new year na.

sge na...lambing ko na yan!!!!!

 

nagmamahal,

arrow

[Grimace]

THank you lord for giving me a wonderful boyfriend and understanding at that....thank you for all the men who are supportive of me and their pms and their praises really help me go make another thread. thank you lord for giving me wonderful nice friends who know first hand and not judge me by the way i write....i have lost some and i'm wiser now...

[arrow]

my long battlecry:::

 

 

SHE SAID:

 

 

 

i nver wnted to take that long bumpy road to love..i nevr imagined myself walking thru the wilderness of it..appreciating its natural beauty and acpting the flaws behind it..ur constant invitation arouse the little devil in me to take the trip and enjoy the adventure that awaits ahead..as i started the journey, i saw a couple of my friends walking bck..with disturbed eyes and sad faces.their shirts torned and jeans ripped as if a beast just attacked them, i wanna run to them and hold them but they were so lost that they cant figure out who am i..as i turn my back, u held my hand and promised me that never will i experience the same grief.u know the trail by heart, u can guide me and together we will reach the end without a sweat..i bowed my head and closed my eyes as i take your hand and put away all the fears i have..the first few stops were awesome, there were so many stories unfold, jokes shared, emotions unveiled..as we go deep down the forest, we saw familiar faces..they were bruised and badly beaten but unlike the others, they carry a smile on their faces..someone's attending to them, nursing their wounds as they whisper gentle words to the wounded soul.u gave me a pat in the shoulder reassuring me that everythings gonna be alright..we continued with our own journey..walked hand by hand, sang songs, laughed heartily..i was so enthralled by what im seeing that i never noticed that i wasnt holding your hand anymore..the night is growing darker..im scared that a beast is lurking in the dark ready to attack me..tears are freely flowing drenching every inch of my bone i remembered ur promise but the words were drowned by the echos of the mountains...i helplessly sat and curled like a homeless orphan..i shouldnt have taken this unfamiliar way..the night seems to take forever..its been a long lonely night full of grief and regrets..as i opened my eyes, i felt the warmth of the sunshine touching my face and then i saw you standing with your arms open..i wanna run away from you, i dont wanna feel the warmth of your hug coz it betrays me..i ran as far as i cud but you seem to be following me and then i stumbled.you reached my hand and squeezed me to the very soul of my heart.u said u were lost when u noticed that im nowhere to be found..i saw the concern in ur face and that touched my very being..for the second time, i took ur hand and entrusted my lyf to u..you were far more careful this time, u never leave me not even a single glance.as we walked through the woods, a storm came..it was a long cold night..i wanna close my eyes and shove away the nightmares of yesterday.i want the storm to stop..

 

 

 

 

 

HE SAID:

 

 

 

No one ever said that there is an easy way, as I constantly remind you since we took the first step on life that I believe full of enchantments and adventure and I thought you completely understand. But as we journey, you always keep telling me bout what you see.., them with their disturbed eyes and sad faces who’s taking the opposite direction. You always reminds me of them as you lossen your hands and tends to turn back. But instead, I held your hands with a passionate grip and tell you that I have no idea what they been through and promise you that we will not share the same faith as they are. Every step we took is every confident I gained about you and your outlook in our journey. We laughed, share stories and we were both happy, but I was blinded bout what I feel thinking that you could stand and walk alone without me telling you where and how to take each step, all along I thought you’re in my side, but it was too late for me to realized that you are gone. I was devastated as if you were completely gone in my life. I don’t know what I must do, all I can think of is why did you ran away? I sat and begun to think about you, all the moment we shared and it somehow gave me strength and cleared my mind and begin to think that I can’t let this happen. I searched for you all night and all I can see is my past.., my demons, inviting me once again and making a promise that I don’t have to suffer like this and making a promise that I can be happy with them, forever. I almost gave in to their invitation but my faith in love makes me feel that the word forever and happiness only exist with you. I continue to search for you and finally the light of day guide me back to you. But as you saw me you immediately run, but you stumble. I held your hand and hug you. Before I could speak, you ask me where did you go? That’s the same question that I wanted to ask you. Now I understand that you didn’t run away, that’s when I realized that I walked too fast that I didn’t notice I leaved you behind. I told you I was lost and I’m sorry, because I know its my fault for not seeing that your not ready to walk alone in unfamiliar world. And for the second time you took my hand. That’s the time when were both sensitive and too concerned to each other. As we walk again, you told me that a storm is coming, I told you that it was only a rain, but in the first sign of lightning, you panicked and tried to unwrap my hands and tends to go back. You said it’s not your nature to journey with such risk. I beg you to stay and told you that when it rains, it is normal to have a lightning. You looked at me with doubt in your eyes but firmly grip my hands. But as the thunder roars, you ran away as if you were racing to the sound of it so that you won’t hear it. I followed you and find you standing on your back, I held your shoulder and told you that it’s ok.., I’m here. You told me that this is not your world, you told me that this is too much for you, you told me that you just can’t continue anymore because you think that you’re just a burden to me, and you don’t want me to carry you all along. I kneel down for you to stay and continue our journey, and I assure you that you are not a burden but my strength.., it’s you that keeps me going .., nothing else. But you walked away; you walked back as if you didn’t hear my words. You didn’t even turn your back and didn’t bother to look at kneeling down on sharp stones and grasses that my blood seems to understand my feelings that it rushes on the ground trying to touch your feet, but it was too late, you walked back and the thick rain blinded my eyes that I can’t see you anymore. I stayed there for hours hoping you’ll be back. But you didn’t all I can see is people looking at me and their partners assuring them that it wont happen to them as they bravely cross the storm. As they passed, I realized that those people we saw walking back with disturbed eyes and sad faces, torn shirts and ripped jeans…, that no!, they are not a victim of love, they are not those who pursue happiness. They are quitters that instead of continuing, they turn back because of their fears and afraid of the risk. They are those people who can’t understand the reality of life. And I picture you exactly as those people we saw. As I think of this, I stood up and isolate myself to my newly found cave. And no!!! I am not going back to be those people you pity before.., people like you now. I’ll stay here and hoping somebody will find me. I just hope you came back and look for me before somebody finds me.

[HerShadow]

R,

 

those songs of us torture me night and day.... they seemed to be following me... along with the memories...

 

just when i thought my heart was broken... it's been torn apart into smaller pieces... over and over and over... how much more i could take the pain is beyond me....

 

i should pour these all out to you... people say it's the right thing to do.... everyone around me says you should get what you deserve... pounds of pain.... torrent of words that are my emotions...

 

but i just can't... i tried but i can't seem to discover anger... can't seem to discover the desire to hurt you... i'm an emotional spendthrift they say.... a masochist of feelings... but that's how i am... up until now and despite everything i've been through... i still can't believe any reason for which one would hurt anyone he cared for....

 

i'm tired of crying... of trying to decipher why and how... sometimes i spend hours just staring into space....

 

been out and about the past few weeks worrying... drowning in my suspicions.... thinking of my greatest fear nowadays... and you easily just brush all those as plain paranoia...

 

i can't help but thinking if for once you sincerely cared for me... for now, not even a trace of your so-called love is left... not in you, not in the air.... and people don't love like that, do they?

 

here i am flailing in misery, while you're busying yourself with your newfound love.... i'm sorry, it's so hard to believe...

that we had spent months of a blissful relationship...

with you telling me that you'd never been happier,

more contented and never felt more ready to finally settle down than when you were with me...

that you'd be asking for my family to know and accept you one day...

and that you'd be breaking up with me two days later...

that you'd have a new girlfriend a week after that...

that you'd have forgotten me even before i realized what's happening..

that there are people like you who could not only break my heart...

but trample my self-esteem...

and take away all the hope that's left in me...

 

you did not break my heart... for you knew it hasn't even healed when you came...

you just made me believe you'd help me heal...

when all you did was tear my broken heart into smaller pieces...

in the most painful way possible....

and i have to admit that sometimes, it feels worse than dead...

because i'm alive...

 

i do not wish to die.... i just wish that during my lowest points, i just wouldn't feel anything...

you want me to be ok.... as well as everyone else...

the difference is everyone understands my struggle... and you don't....

you can't seem to comprehend why i'm not moving on....

because your definition of moving on is having another relationship in a matter of days...

your definition of being ok is totally forgetting in a couple of weeks....

and us being friends as if nothing happened....

 

R, don't expect me to be ok.... even if i want to, i can't...

i know i would be, eventually, but i don't know when...

and definitely i won't do moving on with somebody else's arms around me...

don't expect me to do what you're doing...

you can't expect me to be doing something that is currently killing me...

i'm not like that...

it's just not in me....

 

and sadly.... very sadly... it is so you...

 

A

[Barenaked-NoMre]

My CPO,

 

Sorry that I wasnt honest with you about going to the EB.

 

I now know how these things could upset you.

 

Am glad we are now ok.

 

It was awful when we met the day after the EB ... but werent really "together".

 

Hope you will be a little more direct with me about how you want things to go ... where WE are concerned. Am not a mind reader.

 

Thank you for your friendship, concern and taking good care of me when we're together!

 

Am always here,

 

A

[Barenaked-NoMre]

Mr JB,

 

I was shocked to see you at the EB. Good thing I had 2 bottles of San Mig Lite in me to give me that courage to approach and greet you.

 

Am glad that we were able to make PEACE before the year ended. ;-)

 

Hope you're happy and well where you are now.

 

I always wish you the best!

 

A

[gen_g]

at this supposed "moment" in time....thinking...feeling...self revealing? fantasies, realities within.........searching, hoping for the better...the contentment, the peace.............will it ever come true?

[Guest chunky]

Thus the wheel turns for the Grand One

 

Thus the visions shall come to pass

 

For each gear are the stars and Sun

 

and for the One shall come forth the Lass...

[Guest dopleganger]

S,

 

You are young, you're forgeting that again. Don't rush.

Your emotions are bungled up again, but then again they always are whenever you take those pills.

Let's not hurt anyone, least of all yourself.

 

D