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Writings of the Heart


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kahit paulit ulit kang nagsisinungaling sakin,

kahit lage mo akong pinapaasa...

 

dito pa din ako..

hindi ko kayang igive up ung 2 yrs natin,,,

 

malayo ka man...

parang napakalapit mo pa din..

nasasaktan mo pa din ako kahit nanjan ka,

 

kahit napakaraming tao na nagpapasaya sakin sa tabi ko,

ikaw pa din eh..<br class="Apple-interchange-newline">

sad.gif

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Letters we tuck into drawers and never send; a universal letter to lovers.

by Anais Escobar

 

Most days, I don't think of you. I go through the day unaware of your existence in the universe, filling the familiar aches with books and new records and jogs and new faces. My brain is smart and tries to fool me for a while. For a minute, it almost seems as if you never happened at all until the tiniest thing sets me off. Memory is a cruel thing and sharpest when it needs not be. I check my voicemail and hear a saved message from you, one of you imitating Tom Waits to make me laugh when I checked it after class or work, and I feel my throat close up. Tears fill my eyes and I realize that this will be the last voicemail I ever receive from you; this one doesn't even have an i love you in it, it's just pure Tom Waits impersonation. I end the call and rub my eyes.

 

I go about my day and put in my headphones as I shop. Shuffle plays me a song that you put on a mix for me and it all begins again. I cry in Target in between the hair care products and the moisturizer and I realize that nothing is over, that my heart, my habits have not caught up with my ever-wise brain. I'm never alone now except when I'm about to fall asleep and I hope each night that I'm so exhausted that I just crash in to my sheets and black out, a pile of tired bone and sinew. I want to shut off my functions so the thoughts in my head don't reach the rest of my body. I don't sleep, I'm unconscious for a few hours a night.

 

There is something about the absence of someone after a breakup or the end of a romantic entanglement that is felt so deeply, I don't understand it. Even in long distance relationships, the constant comfort of having someone so near to you emotionally leaves a hole inside you. There is a heartwrenching listless feeling that comes and you wander through the day, half of a person. I feel like every time I love someone I give them a part of myself and when things end, I hobble around for a while, missing limbs or an eye, a victim in the the long war we call love. The only comfort is that eventually the parts of themselves they gave to me grow over my wounds and I become a patchwork quilt of my past loves. We're never truly individuals as we are a product of the love and people that shape us. It's the only thought that makes me feel better as I try to forget. I'm trying to forget for now so that soon I can remember and be happy for the love of ours that was.

 

You are weaved into the fibers of my soul in a way that I cannot describe and I love you still for every breath you take, even if those breaths are no longer for me.

 

 

 

 

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Mommy,

 

Heto na naman ako, natatanga, oo, sabi ko dati napapagod na ko, sumuko....natauhan..... hindi pa pala....

 

Ngayon, dumating ka ....sa panahong pinipilit ko na lamang maging masaya, kalimutan ang problema, kahit pansamantala

 

kaso hindi ko alam kung hanngang saan o kung totoo ba ...alam ko lang, sa ngayon, hindi pwede, dahil meron ka pang iba,

 

ang masuwerteng si "IBA" na iyong iniiyakan, pinag lalaanan ng iyong buong atensyon...pinagsisilbihan, binibilhan ng kung ano anong laruan....ang swerte nya noh? ...sobra

 

Bago matapos ang shift mo, umakyat tayo sa rooftop ng workplace niyo ,nakinig ako sa mga hinanakit mo, sa kwento ng buhay mo, at tagapunas sa bawat pag ipatak ng luha mo

 

hihintayin o aasa ba ako? siguro naman natuto na ako, hindi na...pero....sabihin mo lang, kahit saan, sasamahan kita, makasama lang kita, kahit saglit lang....

 

Kanina, hinatid kita, nag aalala ka dahil sabi mo malayo ang bahay niyo ni "IBA" , swerte nya talaga!

 

pero kahit na, basta't kasama kita, ok na....masaya

 

pagbaba mo ng taxi, naghalikan tayo, pagtalikod mo, nakatingin pa rin ako.... nasambit ko tuloy sa sarili ko,

 

" Hanggang kailan mo siya pagsisilbihan? magpapaka martir? magtitiis?, Hindi ko sasabihing nandirito naman ako, bagkus MAGTIRA KA NAMAN SANA PARA SA SARILI MO!"

 

-> DEK

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