Writings of the Heart

[Itto Ogami]

@ el_berto:

nice one. thanks.

 

[maldita_overload]

I have to find a way to make myself stop dreaming about you, Jason. I've driven myself to the brink of insanity and my dreams are gently tipping me over. Any minute now, I'll plunge into oblivion; and when that happens, no one can pull me back up.

[Itto Ogami]

[animus]

I feel like im a high school student once again. but i dont blame you for that, nor wish this feelings to end.

[ButtChicKick]

De javu.

 

I'm at it again.

 

Feeling that separation anxiety for leaving the corridor where we first met.I remember the first time,

it was very crowded, you're coming from the other end and I on the opposite.

Totally from different directions but it was bound to meet.

There are lots of people milling around, talking to friends, getting reacquainted, or waiting for someone.

I just lost a very dear friend and you're looking for one.

 

I've been going there for 3 years and you're a newbie who's lost in the crowd.

You asked for directions and I gave it. Not knowing it'll be a start of a great friendship.

Months past and things changed. You met others and I got reacquainted with old ones.

But our friendship is still there.

 

But it could never be more than that, we both know it. Its useless, futile, hopeless and impossible.

But (again) like a magnet that pulls and attracts even a heart of iron, we keep on meeting in that same corridor

(are there no other corridors in that big building?) And like any other magnets,

you keep pulling in a lot of scrap. Really scrappy, my friend whether you admit/confirm it or not,

you do. Sad to say, this kind of iron do not tend to remain magnetized when the field is removed

and I tend to changed into color green when put side by side with a much better metal.

You know what I mean. So I'm going in for a permanent (hopefully) one.

 

Will I meet you in the corridor again? Maybe. Someday. Or. Not.

 

You know how I feel.

Edited May 24, 2010 by ButtChicKick

[ElvisHasLeftTheBuiilding]

TRUE LOVE is not blind.... it endures & strives further

[DarkChurch]

A child once asked an old wise man sitting on top of the hill, “Old man, what is love”, the old man replied “How much are you willing to endure?” confused with the answer, the child left without knowing what it meant .

 

After a few years the child became a wise young man and had lots of women in his life, one after the other, he then came to the old man and asked the same question “Old man, what is love”. He got the same answer again “How much are you willing to endure?” still unsure of what it means he left.

The Young man eventually married a young and beautiful wife who was admired by all. The man came to the old man on the hill with his wife and asked the same question “Old man, what is love” expecting for him to admire his beautiful wife and say that love is having a finding the most beautiful pearl in the world; instead he gave him the same answer “How much are you willing to endure?”. Still puzzled with the answer they left and continued on with their beautiful life.

 

The married man eventually separated with his wife after so many years and became so miserable with his life. One day he decided to go to where the old man was but instead of the old man, 2 tomb stones were on that hill. He slowly went to the stores. On one stone it was written “The Wife, unconditionally loved”, on the other, “The Husband, loved unconditionally.” Confused, he went to the nearest village looking for the old man, so he asked around until he found an old store keeper who told him the story of the old man.

 

“Decades ago, a young couple came to the village and lived there. They loved each other so much that they were inseparable, until one day they had a big fight and the wife left man and went to another village. The man climbed up the hill and waited day and night, for years, until his wife returns. It took decades until the wife came back, yet the wife was bitter and did not give importance to the old man but the old man endured all the hurts his wife gave him and cared for her unconditionally. When she died it was the old man who engraved the words to his wife’s tomb. Eventually the old man died and inspired the village. He endured so much and left so little for himself so that all that was left was the love for his wife.”

[rigger05]

There were times that I just wanna cry with all the strain

There were moments of uncertainty and pain

But when you are there to help and care, I smile again

But here am I so alone away from you

 

 

Everyday I can only pray for your warm, lovin' arms

To take me away from all the emptiness, despair

Why do I have to be away from you

 

I have searched throughout the world a lot of things I've seen

I have pondered many possibilities

Then you come along, you make me strong so stay with me

Why am I on my own without you

 

On my own so far away I long from your warm lovin' arms

Into the cold, dark emptiness of hurt, despair

I don't wanna be away from you

 

Everyday I can only pray for your warm, lovin' arms

To take me away from all the emptiness, despair

Why do I have to be away from you

 

Please don't let me be

 

 

On my own so far away I long from your warm lovin' arms

Into the cold, dark emptiness of hurt, despair

I don't wanna be away from you

 

 

 

A SONG THAT COMES FROM MY HEART

[maldita_overload]

To Whom It May Concern:

 

I have been sitting here, very patiently, waiting for the day that you will finally make yourself known to me. I have made some decisions which may have indirectly caused the delay of your coming into my life. Please know that they were made without the intention of causing said delay. I know that my existence is tied with yours. I know that destiny will dictate that we eventually spend the rest of our lives together. Do not, I beg of you, resent me for the choices I have made. I am, after all, human. Sometimes boredom gets the better of me. Sometimes I fail to think before I act. These are characteristics I possess that I intend to fully disclose. I do not want you to feel like anything about me should take you by surprise, negatively.

 

I have yet to put a face to you, but I see our future; and it fills me with hope. This drives me to keep at life, like a freshman on his first day of college; like a kid waking up on his birthday. Thoughts of you keep me alive.

 

Sometimes I wish that you would hurry up and run into my waiting arms, but I know that you will come in your own time. Eventually we will meet. Until then, I will keep forever in a colorfully wrapped box, for us to open together.

 

With much love,

Aya

[vhanna]

I can say that Ive been in love once in my lfe, though it was such a painful relationship, I could never explain why I went through with it and even If I had to live my life again, Id still chose this love despite what it brought me.

 

Im a happy go lucky person, not that pretty to attract eligible guys but Yes I think Im beautiful even with all the flaws. I Love myself (of course there would be days when I would indulge in self-pity when I feel so alone). It was just like any other day, a bubbly me doing my work, assisted one client... that was it, yes I found him attractive, charming, mabango, typical guy you can introduce to your parents, BUT I didnt entertain the thought that He would fall for me, Nor would I fall for him, because he belongs to someone else, no he didnt have a wife, He was a priest... a catholic priest that is. We became good friends, he was so makulit and yes He was sweet, I would confide in him my problems, he'd doesnt give good advise most of the times, but what matters was that he was there willing to listen to me, He shared his time me, He'd tell me his sentiments, he is human after all, yes there are a lot of expectations from them, but yes, he is just like any one of us, we all have weaknesses. He appreciated the fact that I saw the human side of Him, with me, he didnt feel any pressure to keep what He was feeling...

I fell in love with him, He said He loved me too... BUT he couldnt leave priesthood, nor did I ask him at first, kasi, I like the way Im feeling I was scared that If I pressured Him He will leave me. Our "friendship" lasted for about 4 years on and off... He has hurt me once within that period, when I found out He was having an affair with my co-worker... masakit and maybe im really stupid, because after some time, we were back in each others arms, No sorry, no explanations, just plainly moving on. I realized, hindi naman nya talaga ako mahal as in how love should be, yet because I loved him, I have let him cause me pain.... Whats more painful, bigla na lang siyang nawala, no goodbyes, nothing. Maybe God has answered my prayers in a way, I wanted to make things right, I didnt like feeling guilty when I go to church... I did pray for him that He find what he is looking for, and that God will guide him to what is justly right.

I miss him... Masakit kasi at the back of my mind I wished na pipiliin niya ako. But Who am I to ask that from God. I have suffered the hurt and I deserve it. No regrets though, I loved the feeling kahit complicated. After all love is unexplainable...

 

I know someday right love (kasi naman puro mali ang lumalapit sa akin) will find its way to me...

 

 

 

[RED2018]

Confession of a Chronic Heartbreak Lady

 

 

‘Let go of the childlike notion that falling in love means finding someone who will be responsible for your happiness. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness.’

 

This was my friend’s guiding principle in searching for the man of his life. But somehow this led her to everything, but the dream ring. After numerous failed relationships, she had surmised that love indeed is a crap. Or so she thought…

 

Every time she thought she felt it, she would come to me and fondly talk about the man. Her eyes would sparkle and her cheeks would blush with every word she uttered in praise of that man. Then for just a few weeks thereafter, she would giggly declare ‘this is it’ and they would be off to a short period of hibernation. But alas! she would always come back crying and her world was virtually doomed. And the never-ending journey in the search for the promise of living ‘happily ever after’ went on.

 

In retrospect, I would almost always evaluate what could have gone wrong, and always ended up with more questions than answers. There was nothing wrong with her- she’s an epitome of a ‘beauty and brain’ specie. She had an enormous charm that could sweep any guy off their feet, and she’s a woman of substance who could converse intelligently any topic under the sun. But somehow she keeps falling for the wrong men at the wrong time. Every time she shed tears and nursed fears, these would make her sturdier. She would re-discover the world as a rejuvenated person with high hopes as ever, not unlike a pliant bamboo. Yes, she was tenacious and relentless. Then the same thing would happen again, and the vicious cycle continues…

 

Finally, the last straw that broke the camel’s back was an nth affair- a forbidden one. The guy promised (again) the moon and the stars, and she being the gullible hopeless romantic that she was, had mistaken this fire for the pure love and companionship. It turned out that the guy was very much married. But ‘twas too late. The immoral affair bore them a child out of wedlock. This time I cried with her, the pain pierced thru my heart and it was unbearable, as she was close there, yes in my heart…

 

Soon enough, she had given up on love! Her inherent ability to dig up optimism from a well instantly dried up. All of a sudden, she would declare that love is just a crap. And tears once again welled from my eyes, not only because of the pain but also of the hope lost. I told her ‘never say never again,’ and in time everything will be fine. But it just fell on deaf ears. She was devastated. For her, hope is just a waking dream…

 

Her intense distrust serving as a barrier, a formidable self defense, she had formed resolve that won’t let anyone cause her that much misery and that she won’t subject herself to that kind of pain anymore, ever. Thus, when a persistent Romeo came to her life to apparently save her out of the doldrums, and was willing to give her the ring- it was painfully hard. On the day he presented her the one thing that she had ever wanted- a marriage, all she had mustered to tell the guy was: “Kung pakakasalan mo ako dahil naaawa ka lamang sa akin ay kalimutan mo na lamang ako.”

 

Romeo was tenacious and relentless, just like her before she gave up on love. And as fate would have it, she finally nodded in approval and took him as her husband (after so many years of tribulations). They finally marched together into the aisle, amidst the deafening applause of friends, respective family members, and acquaintances who witnessed the milestone- he was 45, she 42. It wasn’t too late, after all- she gave on love a long time ago, but love would not give up on her. Love after all, in all its crappiness, is for real!!!

[maldita_overload]

Turn around and go to sleep. I won't wake you when I leave.

 

Those were the last words she heard before drifting into unconsciousness. Never really realized how much words could sting, until she heard those words said to her. It has been years since that uneventful and ordinary (uneventful and ordinary, to the rest of the world; to her, the world as she knew and believed it to be, slowly crumbled) afternoon. She felt like she was slowly fading into nothingness. She told herself to go to sleep. It would numb the pain, she said. Go to sleep. She knew that it would be harder for her to watch him walk away than be blissfully asleep; unaware, or at least partly, of the pain that was slowly, steadily engulfing her whole being. So she closed her eyes and uttered a prayer; please don't let him leave before I fall asleep. As fate would have it, this was not to be. She was wide awake as he got up to leave. She refused to move; her eyes remained shut. In all agony, she felt everything that was going on in the room. She felt him staring. She felt his lips even before they touched her forehead. She heard him sigh. Still she refused to move. Let him leave believing that she's ok. She didn't want him to be burdened by her pain. He needed his peace of mind. She decided to give it to him. She knew the cost, and she willingly paid the price.

 

Coffee. Her love affair with coffee started simply because she refused to succumb to sleep. As dreams ceased to offer her happiness and contentment, sleep had been nothing but something that she needed to avoid, as often as possible. She would allow herself a couple of hours, oftentimes less, of sleep. The hours spent doing so would always be fitful and troubled. After reality (mostly work, really; and sometimes some social interaction too) has been addressed, and was given the time due it, she would drive to her coffee place. She would stand in front of the counter, pretend that she was undecided; everybody knew she would order an iced caramel macchiato. She would then go outside, light up a cig, and nurse her macchiato until all the ice melts. She never cared that people found her ability to stare at nothingness, astonishing. She wanted so badly for that nothingness to be her reality. She wanted to be plucked from the broken world she knew, and deposited into the confines of a world that ceased to exist, when he walked away.

 

Time had been not been on her side. She was told that it eventually healed all wounds; however time failed to extend the same courtesy to her. Time was like a crazy man holding a knife, slowly slicing deeper and deeper. The wounds never healed; instead she learned to live with the pain. Slowly, she coped. She re-learned to function within the boundaries of reality that everyone was familiar with. She learned to fake it; laughter, sorrow, joy, and other emotions tagged as normal. In fact, she was completely devoid of feelings, except for pain. That was all she felt.

 

Often, she wondered where she would end up. She was tired. She had nothing to show for all the pain. No battle scars. She was amazed that years had passed, yet the wounds were as fresh as that afternoon. Then she realized that years meant nothing. As she had completely disassociated herself with everyone else's reality, she was therefore not afforded the luxuries extended to the citizens of said world. No healing. Even further, she realized that the pain she felt was a choice she made. She decided to make it stop. Only she decided a day too late.

 

Turn around and go to sleep. I won't wake you when I leave.

 

 

Edited May 27, 2010 by maldita_overload

[Seishi]

Ching,

 

Sa maiksing lakad natin para bilhin ang gusto kong soda at barbeque, nakakatuwang tignan na masaya kang kumakain ng mga gusto ko.

 

Suplado ka. Ubod ng yabang. Napakasungit mo..... Sa iba.

 

Napapangiti akong maalala, na hawak ko ang kamay ng taong ubod ng kasungitan. Ang aking bukod tanging kaaway at kakampi sa araw araw. Simpleng tao nga lang talaga ako. Di ko kailangan ang lahat ng bagay sa mundo, sapat na sa akin ang makasama ka.

 

 

 

Kulot

[ButtChicKick]

The days before April were gray and overcast. One best remembers such days if he immersed himself in it, as I did, after series of huge storms and countless sleepless nights. For someone who have been used to the winter climate of life, The festive air commencing afterwards should have evoked erasure and forgetfulness in me, but it didn't.

 

But such is the story of April. To enjoy it even if you don’t have the stomach for the scorching heat this month emits, even when there are days your own sweat weighs you like your own flesh, hold it between your palms like you would hold a child’s face – an innocent face, devoid of make ups, lacking in guile – only a shy, charming smile, and say, ”yes, I will like you, April. I will enjoy the season your month brings.”

 

And the cold wind from the south and the west doesn’t send shivers anymore.

[maldita_overload]

I'll be your sweet November

I'll pick up the broken pieces

I'll be your sweet November

and teach you to love again

 

come rest your daunted heart

into my open arms

because now your weary soul

won't need a good luck charm

 

let me take you to places

where you have never been

and let's unlock such secrets

no one else has ever seen

 

let me show you the beauty

that's hidden in your heart

until you see clearly

all that's in the dark

 

I'll help you stand up

and start your life anew

I'll push you into walking

'til you're running through and through

 

come the time that you don't need me

that's when I'll let you go

for now, I'm sweet November

and that's all there is to know

 

It's been years Angel. Too long a time to hold on to something that was never there; yet too short to let go and expect to survive. I'll always be your sweet November.