Viola

Im a regular member. Im not for hire. 

Soooooo drunk

Kairita. Since i cant rant on my personal socmed, dito na lang.

Went to a salon, had them dye my hair somewhat blonde. Dirty blonde. Now i have brown skin. I love the color on me. It made my face brighter that i can see phantom rosy cheeks.

Then the day after, my older cousin saw me and commented on my hair. "wag ka magpakulay ng ganyan, mukha kang anak dagat." It was 630am in the morning. 

My bf likes it. I like it. My bestfriends like it. Ung cousin ko lang na judger ang may comment. 

At the end of the day, mu bf would be the one grabbing my hair as we play together. So his opinion would be the one that matters. 

Kairita lang. 

After 7yrs, i finally bought a new laptop. So happy, i can now pursue different programming languages that we dont normally use at work. 

Im using work-issued laptop and i cant do anything non-work related on it. So my python, r and other languages are pretty rusty.

You know you are old when you want to go out on a Friday night but stayed home instead because 1) you got nowhere to go, everything is too loud, 2) you are worried about the traffic, 3) you want to be in bed by 8pm. 

At my age, coffee shop na lang ang pwede puntahan. 

Last month, he was watching me sleep. Today, we decided to take a break from each other. This is the first time. It might be the last. He has regressed back to being abusive. 

Him, watching me sleep and waiting patiently for me to wake up is just the sweetest thing.

Lately, ive been feeling overly fatigued and i cant stay up. I end up falling asleep while we are trying to spend time together. 

He used to wake me up, but he knows i am sick and so he just patiently waits for me to wake up. 

So stressed that even the smallest thing can trigger me.

Finding a place to rent short term on a budget is so stressful. 

So this is how burnout feels like. Im physically and mentally exhausted. I need a break. 

Spent the entire night crying... 

It's been almost a year. He's back to his old ways. I thought he changed. 

Woke up in the middle of the night to an anxiety attack.

Cant breathe. 

Today is one of the saddest days of my life. I lost my job as a result of this global recession. I lost something that i am truly proud of. It is very rare to find a job that gives you pride and joy.

Today, i will wallow and mourn this loss. I'll cry myself to sleep. Tomorrow, i'll plan what's next for me. 

A month and a half ago, we broke up. He changed his mind and didn't want to give up. Now he's talking about getting married... How did things go this fast?

All I know is, he is doing his best to be the man he has the potential to be. 

So we've broken up. That's it. Just a lets break up and we were done.

One moment we were happy, the next moment, im seriously thinking of ending things. In that moment, I could not see a future with him. 

He said he loves me before going to bed. I could not say it back to him. At that moment, I was thinking, I thought he was my partner, but why are we now off to do separate things and hope we arrive at the same place. 

Started my new diet yesterday. Im now on a Keto meal service and IF. The portions were so small yesterday that I literally cried because i was so hungry.

But I really want to lose weight for my own health as well because I want to look good for my boyfriend. So Im sticking with it.

Gutom na gutom n nga lang ako. It is a period of adjustment so i might settle into this new diet by next week. 

I feel so isolated from the world.

Still working through issues but we are fighting less now.  I realize how jealous I am, but he is trying to be as honest and transparent as possible. There are temptations, but we both choose to stay away from them. We both know we are building something and while it is too early to tell, it seems like we both want what we have to last.

We had a rough start, but when i tried to leave, he pulled me right back. And im glad he did. We aren't perfect. We are working through all our issues. We are willing to exert time and effort to understand each other and be more respectful of each other. 

Saying good morning to him to start our day and goodnight to him to end our day is precious. 

Being together while doing our own things, not talking but being aware of each other's presence is time well spent.

Spending time in the day to talk about anything from the most mundane things to the most philosophical thoughts is exquisite.

Hoping to have more days with him. Wishing for a lifetime together..

So i broke up with him. He said he doesn't want to break up. But, i decided unless there is a change, i'll only end up getting hurt.

So now im at a difficult stage of missing him and wanting to go back to him, or being strong enough to hold my ground.

My heart aches at this point. Eventhough i love him, I can't let his verbal abuse continue. Im not a doormat.

I was so frustrated today that i cried. I need to do some deep breathing. 

So frustrating. He made me wait the whole day only to say he is too tired and wants to sleep. Di ka na lang sana tumawag. Sigh. 

Anyone online now to just chat?