chiquezee

Forever is composed of nows.

The now we have speaks of forever. In my heart. In my mind. In my soul. Forever.

I had the time of my life, as with every other time we are together.

It cannot be wrong.

Once again, distance and time are swept away under the infinity of eternal now.

Everything slows down -- and you and I linger...

C

Lady,

Its undelivered. I changed my mind. You're really not worth my time.

Just keep your notes to yourself and don't "sis" me. I am aghast and appalled that you would think we could be blood relations even figuratively. Argh! Such cheapness...

I take no pride in being a coquette nor a rake. Those thoughts are way below me.

C

SOON

bringing a promise closer by the day

Fleeing from death is the shortest path to a wasted life. (J. Piper)

(But I'd rather live fully, without waste, than die prematurely -- C)

You'll do just fine. Its out of your hands, release it to Him who knows best.

For that miraculous photo finish earlier, a thousand thanks!

Just another one to add to the lengthy list... Salamat po!

AL,

I am about to undertake the final steps to liberation. It took a while, but I am nearing the finish line. One more thing I have to accomplish and then I shall set up an appointment with your secretary.

I am giving up my Isaacs, I'm sure you'll be glad to know. It is out of obedience, mind you, than sacrifice.

December 10, upon my arrival from the snows.

Wait for me. I shall narrate to you my victories.

- C

16 November

There used to be a patch of grass breaking out stubbornly from the cracks of the concrete pavement, near the gate by the lamp post. Today, I was surprised to see that they were meticulous enough to spread white cement over it for an impeccable, tough, uniformed look. That saddened me, on top of everything else that has been making me sad for the past weeks.

Lucky you, you will have acres of sprawling, never ending green pastures that will serve as your carpet, protecting your soft delicate feet, when you take that leap of faith to conquer your new horizon. You will have more than enough of bejeweled greeneries, and I will be left with the cold concrete.

Seeing the wild grass removed from my view reminded me of what I am losing soon. You will be going, I know. You have to go. It's not like I will never see you nor hear from you again; and its not like blood relations diminish from distances, but still, the ache of not having you around for a tete-a-tete when we feel like it is breaking my already beaten-up heart. Ilan lang ba naman tayong magkakapatid, babawasan pa ng distansya ng isa... But then, the time will inevitably come when I myself will go and take on my own challenges. Unlike you, though, I have plans of returning to establish the legacy that was so foreign to us, and bring it right here where I plan to have and nurture my kids. While that has not happened yet, your going is unmercifully bitter. Maybe for selfish reasons, but bitter nonetheless.

(In another instance, I may look at this from another perspective, but at this point, I am simply consumed by loneliness and my heart continues to ache, though I try to muster the best defense that I could. If only I could bravely tell you what I have been through, and again is going through...)

You will no longer be a phone call away. There will be no more late night calls like the one days ago when I sobbed my pain through the lines after a brief hello... Who will be there to listen to me cry and be understanding enough not to force a word out of me? Who will be kind enough not to ask questions when all I need was to know someone was at the other line while I weep? You understand that misery loves company and you unselfishly give of your time to make sure I get that company. Even if I say not a word.

I wish, just for this moment before you leave, that I could be not myself and start opening up to you. I have always been the ultra-secretive one among us, like mama would point out, and for the life of me, I could never unburden to any of you. I envy you when you would grab a mug, pour yourself freshly brewed coffee, and sit by the table where mama is and just tell her what you're going through. I have difficulty doing that. I've made it a point to think that my troubles are my responsibility alone. And so here I am, going through my heartaches alone. If only I can really talk to you before you go, then perhaps that will make the bond stronger.

I have never admitted the influence you had on me, stubborn as I am, standing on my arrogant claim that no one has been convincing enough to make me yield my beliefs, or alter my convictions, or influence my actions. I have been reliant on our upbringing and sense of pride and honor, and often times, became too rigid with following the rules and standards I set for myself. But yes, you have influenced me more than I realized.

When we were kids, I used to defend you from those who would bully you because you were so soft and gentle, having been brought up like the princess that you felt you were then. But as we were getting older and life became harsh for me, and you became tougher with the circumstances, you would sit down by my bed to comb my hair with your fingers, saying nothing. And like the other day, you would just listen to me sob, and stay with me til you think I am better. By myself, I denied the tears, pretending to be strong and hard and tough; but with you beside me, crying was easy.

I will never forget when you rushed from your class to where I was, and in your tender age of 12, ordered everybody around to make sure I was brought to the hospital immediately. That stuck in my mind, and from then on, the role reversed. You started to protect me, and even mama, when the harshness of politics stripped peace and comfort away from us.

Even then, I denied any form of weakness, including admitting your influence on me. Or that I needed anybody. I was my father's daughter. Tough. Unconquerable. Cruel, even, to those who would hurt us. But deep inside, I'm the little girl whose childhood was snatched away from her by the bitter realities of life. You would know. You were the only one who'd bother finding out what was wrong when I'd be burying myself deep in books and studies, instead of going out like regular, happy, worry-free children used to do. But you never did get an answer from me except for a cheerful smile that was my ultimate defense from those who'd dare cross the line and reach out. I feared you will not understand. Until now, I have the same foolish fears.

Now, if only I could tell you that I do need somebody who would understand my pain, or my loneliness. It is selfishness, I know, to want you around because I need you. But when have I admitted to needing anybody at any time? Whole heartedly? Now that I am realizing that, you will be going away.

Maybe, just maybe, before you go, I can be a little more not myself by being true to my real self and tell you that yes, I have been through so much in life without any of you ever knowing. And no, I cannot handle it alone. That yes, I have failed miserably in keeping up a fortress on my own and that I want you to know that I appreciate your love and kindness through the years, standing by me, knowing that I cannot bear it single-handedly, though I remained stubborn in my own deception of strength.

I also want you to know that I will always be here for you, though far away. I will fly over if I have to, and you can be assured that everything else fall second when it comes to preserving and protecting this family.

The grass will forever be hidden under the tough cement, but somewhere deep in the earth's richness, the root remains, and once unearthed, will flourish once again.

You will never leave my heart. Family, always.

- I.P.

Father,

I pray for that one man I love so dearly now. May he overcome his trials, and do well in his endeavors.

Protect him from any illness, and give him warmth in the cold.

Let him find You and Your peace, that he may go through the days with a lighter heart.

Bless him and the work of his hands, and may he see Your Truth in the dark.

Lead him to You when he goes astray.

Teach him to trust in you, and give him the grace to understand your ways.

Show him mercy and never ever let him out of your sight.

Send your angels, one on each side, to protect him, guide him and secure him.

Thank you, Lord, for your loving kindness. All these I ask, in Jesus.

Amen.

At this point of despair, seeing my dreams vanish one by one through every flip of the 21 pages of discourse that may be laughable to experts in the field, I feel my mind has betrayed me. And even as I force myself to absorb the review of all thirty-six months of hard-earned Unos and attempt a repeat of my usual feat, I feel my mind is betraying me all the more.

I fear I may not make it. It crushes me.

I am not all heart, but right now, my mind has succumb to its heaviness. I am not exaggerating, dearest, when I say that I feel as if my chest is collapsing on my already beaten-up heart. It is as if a 30-pound ball of iron is hooked to its artery. It is difficult to breathe. No tear falls anymore. Such is the sadness I am over-powered with. My feet and hands are numb and I feel like I am again in a freezing dark cube without any opening. I cannot even hum a tune. When will you come to rescue me from the harshness of yesterday that lingers to this very moment?

When will you come to protect me? When will you walk in to finally, finally shield me from the whip of betrayal? I have been fighting on my own. Unnecessarily, too. But I do make mistakes, and here I am now, bloody, with head bowed. The price I have to pay.

I am tired being strong. There are moments I wish I could just crash into you and admit my weakness, trusting you will not judge me. I know you will take care of me. You will not betray me. Do not betray me. But dearest, where are you?

My mind is spinning, my heart is aching. I feel the pain physically. I never thought I would feel this kind of pain again. It has been years... I failed to protect myself.

I pray, dearest, do not deceive me like my mind has deceived me. Like my heart has failed me.

I need you especially in moments like these. For I know you will not leave me at the time I have need of your support and assurance. I know you will listen to me as I pour my heart out, and not cut me or bruise me in my moment of weakness and vulnerability. You will not leave me out in the cold, alone, when I need someone beside me. I do not ask much from you, save that you hold my hand at times like these and not push me aside like a stranger you have no regard for.

Find me... Find me soon, please, even as I search for you.

Embrace me and give me warmth, for the night is cold and the sun has made no promise of shining the next day.

As I lay my head to sleep tonight, so will my heart fold-up to slumber. It shall not be roused from its chamber until you wake it with your kiss of hope. Until then, every beat shall grow faint, and every thump will wane in solitude. If you never come, then it will become dry and shriveled til it is no more.

- C

There are a lot of ugly people in this world. Unfortunately, you are not one of them.

That's where your troubles are coming from.

Tsk.

Moon And Sun

Gomez

When you look to the future

Don't forget to write to me

When your love starts to wonder

Don't fret, I broke the seam

Yes the night is so serene

Just add Kerosene

We always felt so good, together

The days just rolled on by

Moon & Sun

We all move on

The nights in the sand dunes

Carefree days and summer sounds

It's the way we built you

That house just won't come down

My faults

My feeble ways

My better days

We tried to hide from failure

The weather

We said we'd never fight

Moon & Sun

What's done is done

Moon & Sun

We all move on

Did you say someday?

Did you say try?

Did you say you love me?

Don't ask why?

'Cause we always felt so good, together

But the days just rolled on by

Moon & Sun

We all move on

We all move on

We all move on

We all move on

You are the one (Elliot Yamin) - No one to dedicate it to, unfortunately

You Are The One

Elliot Yamin

Hmmmmmm

Ooooooooh

Sometimes i sit and i wonder

And i just can't seem to believe

What a blessing it's been to be loved

You're an angel sent to me

You're the star who lights up my sky

You're the one who made me see

That you don't need wings to fly

Your love has set me free

Cause you are the one who makes me whole

In my heart and in my soul

And just like the sun you showed me the light

I'm amazed and you're the reason why

Before you i was so blind

I didn't know which path to choose

You poured all of this love in my heart

And now there's no way that I can lose

And when i have no faith in myself

You're the one who makes me strong

I wouldn't have a story to tell

Or an ending to my song

Cause you are the one who makes me whole

In my heart and in my soul

And just like the sun you showed me the light

I'm amazed and you're the reason why

Oooohh you're the reason why

Oh ooooooooh

You are the one who makes me whole

In my heart and in my soul

Just like the sun you showed me the light

I'm amazed and you're the reason why

Cause you are the one who makes me whole

In my heart and in my soul

Just like the sun you showed me the light

I'm amazed and you're the reason why

You are the one who makes me whole

In my heart and in my soul

And just like the sun you showed me the light

I'm amazed and you're the reason why

Hmmmmmmmm

Ooooooh

Breathe In, Breathe Out

Mat Kearney

Breathe in, breathe out

Tell me all of your doubts

Everybody bleeds this way, just the same

Breathe in, breathe out

Move on and break down

If everyone goes away, I will stay

We push and pull

And I fall down sometimes

And I’m not letting go

You hold the other line

Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes

Hold on, hold tight

If I’m out of your sight

And everything keeps moving on, moving on

Hold on, hold tight

Make it through another night

In every day there comes a song with the dawn

We push and pull

And I fall down sometimes

And I’m not letting go

You hold the other line

Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes

There is a light in your eyes, in your eyes

Breathe in and breathe out

Breathe in and breathe out

Breathe in and breathe out

Breathe in and breathe out

Look left, look right

To the moon and the night

Everything under the stars is in your arms

Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes

There is a light in your eyes, in your eyes

There is a light in your eyes, in your eyes

GMAT Reviewer, 11th Edition. (Gawk!)

that one path that leads to the safest place on earth

Hija,

Hindi ka pa ba nagsasawa?

Hindi mo na gusto, sige ka pa. Ano ba pinapangatawanan mo?

May gusto ka ba patunayan?

Sayang lang oras mo, sa totoo lang.

Hindi kita maintindihan.

Du sublime au ridicule il n'y a qu'un pas.

I owe you an explanation.

There was a time when I was in awe. I was captivated by what I thought was fantastically surreal. I took everything in even if I knew there was a degree of ambiguity that shall either hold me mesmerized for a longer time than usual, or tire me as I dig into the profoundness.

It was all a spectacular display of seeing myself in another and feigned lack of recognition in order to keep the narcissism under control. I went to the extent of denying my already established self in order to embrace the offering with such authentic appreciation of what I pretended was nouveau, and I took them in as if for the first time. I acted like a student to a maestro to feed your lust for affirmation, to stress your greatness. I gave you what you needed, all the while knowing that I had you entranced. I made real your fantasies. I supplied you with your cravings. I played weak to emphasize your strength. I went a notch low to elevate you a bit higher. To a certain level, I was mesmerized by my own craft. I allowed myself to deceive myself that I was enthralled by your charms. But like most spells, there is a form of magic that can spellbind only up to a certain length of time.

It is usually when the supply is short that scarcity is encountered. And much as I attempted to magnify the speck of potential that I saw, you simply lack the charisma to hold the power longer. I can only do so much. The amusement turned bland.

Looking at it now, it must have been boredom and I took the chance to play faerie with little Tinkerbell spells to help you help me get to Never Land. I snapped out of that boredom when you started to bore me.

More and more you began to appear to me like a commoner, and no more a knight to my lady. Your appeal waned when I saw that you were just like the rest of them. Crude. Un-seductive. Without sophistication. Prone to mediocrity.

So I went.

It was never about the heart, dear. My heart was never on the line. Affection or anything similar to it was never uttered at all. It was more of a mind game for me. Even a power-trip. To know that someone like you can be such an easy prey... You with your legion behind you. You, thinking you captivated me...

What can I say? I have my skills.

On the other hand, the deep truth is, beneath the masquerade and glitter, I really did see how undeserving you were of me. The lies got to me, first and foremost. Its such an easy trade, lying, that I have no idea how you could bungle even that one.

But then, I cannot completely blame you for I have woven a magical web for myself, to begin with. And midnight does turn golden coaches into pumpkins. So the clock struck a breath past the unholy hour and corrupted the enchantment.

To hold what is not is to hold what cannot hold.

In reality, Casanova must justify his existence. As Cleopatra will be justified by those who wish she exists. But neither will be who they are, if not for those who let them be who they are crafted to be.

Alas, serendipity, fanciful accidents and metaphorical sagacity, of stumbling upon things that we are not in quest of, are exactly what fairy tales are made of.

It is a lesson learned for me.

What can I say? It is just one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

- C

(An original letter, of course)

Lover,

I desire for you from all these miles.

I long to lay myself naked beside your warmth and run my slender fingers through your sexy chest. In the darkness, I want to undress you and liberate you of any worries. I want to cup you in my palms and let you feel the warmth of soft, wet, carpet of tongue. I want to rub my soft skin against yours and electrify your senses with my scent.

How I wish you could reach out and touch my deepest sensuality like you expertly do, and feel the gush of excitement and anticipation, awaiting the stiffness of what will come between my long silky legs which I part wide for you.

I lay down at night in the coldness of solitude and I dream of your lips enveloping my tit, as your tongue playfully roll against it. I yearn for your warmth on top of me, as I am crushed under your broad shoulders and hunk-of-a-body, with my sweat mixing with yours.

I close my eyes and take a sharp breath in as I recall how you would pronounce your dominance over my stubbornness and push the whole length of your erect d*ck through my warm p*ssy you call home, and f*ck me like I should be f*cked. Honorably. Completely. Holding nothing back.

I touch myself as I recall how you would heighten my pleasure by l*cking my cl*t and inserting your fingers until you feel me throb with ecstasy...

I want your cum inside me. I feel no shame feeling it drip from me, and in fact would love to squeeze every drop from you, greedily, selfishly. You once said that you were glad I knew what was mine... Every drop, baby...

Lover, I want you. You know that.

Miles mean nothing to us. Neither do cost. And so you will have me soon.

- C

Please.

Not in front of me.

I will no longer pinpoint which. You know.

You're not slow as not to understand who and what I am referring to.

Thanks.

- C

Its the time of the year when I feel like shunning the sun and hide myself in the cave of anonymity where no one can touch me and come near me.

Its the time of the year when I usually call you for a much needed confiding and just let myself be myself for a brief un-perverted moment. No one knows the real me and my absurd ideals, and big ideas, and foolish dreams, but you. With you I can just go on and on and on and you simply sit back and listen to me, interrupting with a but a word of encouragement, an exclamation of disbelief, or even a curt rebuke, or sometimes, an expression of disapproval with an exasperated sigh and an exaggerated raising of eyebrows. But you let me be myself and talk non-stop.

You paid attention to me when I spoke of my major plans and even took time out to study the blueprints and time table. You let your accountant study my financial plans and praised me for a clean book. You appreciated me and supported me like you were a part of the whole structure.

You were the one who pushed me to make the step of faith to initiate the journey to where I am destined to go. And you were very proud when you saw that I was finally conquering the undiscovered terrains.

You were sympathetic when I narrated about F and his ordeals and understood me when I no longer wanted to be part of that enterprise.

You gave me time and you listened to me.

It is during those rare long talks in your very serene office, watching the flowing water in the make shift garden, where time is no-when, that I have revealed, in almost a whisper, what I dared not share with others, for fear of my life. And you listened intently and gave me very sensible advise, applying my situation to your corporate scenarios, sharing with me your extensive genius coming from the wisdom of years, experience of different worlds, and graying hair... After all, you are not ignorant of these things, being a man of prominence and esteem. You did not become who you are by a whim. You did not get to where you are without facing the challenges, you said. And you were expecting the same from me.

The secrets overtook me but I did not call you. And I feared letting you in on the matter, for I know you would come to my protection, like you did years ago. I felt I could handle it and I made sure I did. I feared letting you know of the developments because I promised you around this time last year, during an emergency call, that I will leave the halls and grant myself the freedom to finally do what I want and had to; and gain what I must and should. But I am still here, sir. I failed you. I failed myself. But I am doing my best to fulfill what must be carried out, for a greater cause. For a greater glory.

Now, I brave this storm dictated by duty even as I struggle to release myself from such responsibilities.

After a sleepless night of turbulent decision-making, I decided on when the fated day will be.

I know what I will finally do will injure the system. But I have to, maybe for selfish gains, but for a purpose nonetheless.

I will hand my papers in a matter of days, sir. I know the pillar will crumble.

I want to call you but I stop myself. I know you will be pleased when you find out about this. But not yet. There is still one more thing I have to do. When that is accomplished, maybe then I will call your secretary for an appointment.

But right now, I struggle with the desire to just simply let it be and hide myself in the darkness of the caves.

Truly, we fight the bloodiest battle with ourselves everyday. We have to decide to win against ourselves every time.

I am tired, yet I keep on.

Victory is not for the fainthearted. I will win this.

-C

Hey,

I got your "fan" mail.

Lemme put it this way. Too much of everything is simply too much.

Like, too much of pixie dusts will generally break the spell. Too much exposure brings boredom. Too much effort on reality makes it a phony. Too much connection leads to suffocation.

And too much of that kind of attention warps me out..

- C

Are you there?

I have been thinking too much about a lot of things lately and I might have missed your passing by. That's the curse I have to bear, my tendency to compound matters when pressure forces, to make thinking condensed than scattered. It drives me to focus on a single object where everything is put together and gets undivided attention from me all at the same time. Unfortunately, I was too preoccupied with that one pool I have an inkling I missed your coming.

Lou von Salome would have dealt with this differently. But I am neither she nor close to being one like her.

On the other hand, I do know how to be detached, but just haven't wanted to for I have isolated myself for so long I thought I would enjoy even a Genji of any form.

Maybe its time I revert to the previous persona while you are still making your rounds. By the time you get to coming near, I'll be prepared. For practicality, more than anything.

But there will be no more surrender from me for it is a strategy that may be used but once. Too much of it makes it a way of life, a weakness that can easily cause defeat. And there can be no more seduction -- this seducer can be seduced but once, and no more. I will not be like most who are enticed by every mythical creature that excites their fancy. That I refuse to be.

You will not be pleased to have someone who has great poverty of the senses. If that is permissible by your standards, then I will in no way be crossing your paths at all.

- C

Supposing there is courage in certainty -- will that make you less of a coward? Wouldn't that aggravate your stupidity even more, emphasizing the big blunder of your pseudo-bravado?

Why you are still walking with a stiff-upper lip through these corridors surprises me. You should learn from Shinzo Abe. Or at least, start learning the art of Seppuku, so then, you will disembowel yourself and not us, and your suicide will benefit a thousand more lives. Come to think of it, you are just like our national artists who are worth more dead than alive. Take that as a compliment, there are those who are worth nothing whether they come or go. Your going will make most of our staying worthwhile.

The problem is, we suppose what is not, and therefore saves you not. You are a cow ready for the slaughter.

Deal with it, man. Let's see how you roast. And boy, do I know how to make a good barbecue!

Just a word to carry with you, the best way out is always through.

- C