The Mail Box

[chiquezee]

B+,

 

I have been tossing and turning for hours.

It is futile to try to rest my head.

Sleep cannot catch up with my racing thoughts.

 

You want my masks removed. I have been trying, although maybe not enough for you. Let me attempt another shot, though do forgive me if in the process, I falter. It takes some getting used to, but I hope you will appreciate the effort, as I do yours.

 

To remove the layers and expose the flesh may be a weakness, or a strength. Right now, I don't care. All I know is I am doing this for you. You do not have to read between the lines for I have said it quite clearly. This is for you.

 

I am not always rational. I do not always have reasons for doing things. I may not always know at once why I act on impulses. But even though the complication forces its way out, as we have often seen, I will try to put this simply even if I do so without order...

 

You choose words carefully, and though you use a lot, you do not mince with them. Thus, I value every thing that comes out of your lips, from the simple "I will get used to it" to the complex "I cannot relate to you at times." In the same light, I do mean what I say, and cliche, yes, but I do say what I mean. Kilometers of words, notwithstanding. But you do know that...

 

The hug enveloped me with comfort.

The kiss burned with more than desire.

The tendreness of the moment sent warmth

Amidst the star-filled mountain sky.

 

I will not forget how you ordered me out of the car, and admitted something I never thought you will. That you waited for them to leave so you can hug me...... one of the sweetest thing. You never cease to impress me. You continue to surprise me.

 

And I replay over and over the crucial thing you asked, though merely secondary for you: "There is another view of that in Makati, or I can take you home." You did not see it for your head was close to my ears, but I couldnt help but smile... I smiled for a very long while and I didn't hesitate to say yes. I have no regrets.

 

As we lay in bed, my back against your chest, your arms wrapping me close and holding me tight, as if to not let go, I felt as if everything was right... and even as I heard the hum of your thoughts as we tried to sleep, I knew there was no doubt in your mind that all was well that moment.

 

I heard you say clearly that when I said we will not see each other again your feet got cold... that you cannot bear the thought. I felt like wanting to rush for cover, for I might be exposing myself to unnecessary harm. But I stayed put, in your arms. I decided to stay then. I am deciding to stay now. If only you will put as much weight in this decision than in the one that I said before it.

 

You said you only longed for understanding, haven't I been doing that? It crushes me that you think I am not able to digest your complexity. It crushes me even more when you try to simplify me by insinuating I cannot. Let me try again.

 

You said I was dangerous. Even that I was lethal. Too dangerous for you, yet you live with danger, danger is what you do... I cannot help if I am, but I am mighty thankful that you were trained to meet danger head on.

 

The morning, when I said I will be going out (to watch the news), you immediately held me tight and asked me to not go, for you thought I will be leaving already... Funny how such a situation which we both laughed at, can bring me near to tears, as your sincerity moved my heart to bits. Like you said, you only speak with honesty. I see it was wrong for me to doubt. You are right, as always, that I now do not have but words, but saw for myself the action. I felt more from both, combined.

 

Every time you'd get up from bed to check where I am and bring me back with you, my steps got lighter. I do want to keep going back. As I decided to do now... I have reverted to the status quo, if only you will, too.

 

I remember, and I will not let you forget, the "Speak to me again. Please" at 4am. You got me there. You have me until now. If only you will let yourself accept that. Never mind the law. I have exposed myslef too much, but do let me go on.

 

I loved resting my head on your lap as you gently caressed my head... No, I do not mind.... I loved restng my head on your chest, listening to the deafening heartbeat... yes, i listened to it intently, trying to hear what it could be saying. I will not know if I heard right until you tell me. I pray, do tell me.

 

You had three suggestions over pasta: first is to pretend everything did not happen; second is to go on with the way things are, recognize that everything was, but to take it lightly; and third was to stop talking completely... and you did say I may suggest too...... and this is mine: how about recognizing everything and moving ahead with it?

 

Yes we will grope, trying to find balance. I agree. It is better for me for us to grope than for you to completely walk away. For the third time, without shame, I ask again, Baby, please stay.

 

I'll accept the compromise. I'll accept the abstinence. I'll accept even the months of training and going back to their roots in the northern most part, heck, as long as they are returned safely...

 

The masks are almost completely gone.

I am exposed.

I am at my most vulnerable,

raw,

hurting,

fighting,

bleeding,

dying...

 

What else, sweetheart, do you want me to do?

 

The Pros.

The Cons.

Such business-like manner...

Let us try a different approach.

 

Maybe I need to prove something to you...

 

I shall fly if I have to

immediately after

squeeze it in my shcedule

if only to show beyond words

for the sword fight is all too common.

I will go all the way up

until the 21st

short of pouring all of golden sweat

and strike two stones together

to drive you out

and meet me

and see me

and look me in the eye

If I have to, yes, I will fly.

 

There.

As you wish.

Flesh.

Blood.

 

Now, will you? As I did when you asked.

For I just did what you have done.

Chipped them off, one by one.

 

Embrace me again.

Hold me again.

Dont let me go again.

Ask me again.

 

And yes, I said I'll wait. I will.

We wretches live in hope.

As you say.

And more than once, my hope pulled it through.

I will hope again, for you.

 

 

unmasked,

ME

 

 

 

 

:heart:

Edited December 20, 2006 by chiquezee

[dianne]

When I’m in misery you were there, easing me out from my agony, thus, making me feel good and alive. You’ve rescued me from damnation and iniquity. Now I’ve become drawn to you and though I know it’s not right I’m senseless enough not to have guilt feelings nor any regret, all I know is I’m happy as I’ve never been before. I don’t know how long wills this beautiful thing last and I don't want to know either cause I don’t know what will become of me when the time comes when they’ll take me away from you or when you go away. Let’s just make the most of what we have… EACH OTHER.

[iwalkalone]

you are so beautiful...the most desirable creature...

whenever i am with you...it's like i am in another time and space...

nothing else matters...the world ceases to exist...

just you and me...you in me...it's never been this....beautiful....

thank you.

[CodenameV]

What a bad day! You call that a birthday gift? I wouldn't even wish what you did to me on my worse enemy and here you are doing it to someone who has been on your side all the time. Well, that was a waste of effort. Sometimes, i wonder why i even try.

[iwalkalone]

wag ka maiinis sa kin ha?

I'm juz tellin u exactly wat is on my mind...xactly wat i feel...at dis point in time.u see i've been so used to life's unpleasant surprises...i thought it was high time to let feelings be known while it's there...while it's true....for god knows where the wind wud blow later....

everything fades....beautiful things like all else never last forever...it's good to capture beautiful moments..( kaya nga may vid cams...cameras...recorders etc ).it's good to have memoirs of all that is beautiful...lalo na sa mga kagaya ko na may memory gap.at may personality dissociation ......kailangan talaga yun eh..... btw ala na kong load....dapat itetxt ko to sayo eh....

Edited December 21, 2006 by iwalkalone

[spongebobby]

thank you dale carnegie. i never really realized how much your book has shaped my life.

 

thanks dad for asking me to read it some 15 years ago. i miss you.

[Viola]

Sad. Sad things are coming to an end. I love you and you love me. But we can't be happy together. Not with all your complications.

 

All i wanted was a little balance. Just that and nothing else. I guess it was too much to ask.

 

Sorry things had to end. I'm sorry I had to end it. One of us should. You can't continue pretending that everything is fine between us.

[chipmaker]

HOY!

 

Wag nga kayong mag-away!

 

Paskong-pasko eh sisirain nyo yung mood ng mga tao... :thumbsdownsmiley:

[iwalkalone]

JEEZUZ...I NEVER REALIZED HOW STUPID THAT WAS! WHAT A MOVE...NOW I'M JOBLESS CAUSE OF YOU! AND YOU'RE NOWHERE TO BE FOUND! ...I GUESS I NEVER REALLY LEARNED...YOU WERE ONE HELL OF A NIGHTMARE!...AND YES! i DO HATE YOUR f#&king GUTS! I HOPE YOU FIND HAPPINESS WITH ALL YOUR (UGLY( LOVERS)

DON'T YOU EVER EVER TRY TO GET INTOUCH! MUMURAHIN KITA MULA ULO HANGGANG PAA!...OR...MAYBE HINDI NA LANG KITA SASAGUTIN...BTW....DINELETE NA KITA SA PB KO....BASTARD! assh*le! CHEAPTRICK! DICK! DICKHEAD! WUTEVER!

[chiquezee]

Dear M,

 

He drains me. He actually does. If only I could be less of myself and be not obsessive-compulsive about some matters then I can just pick up my belongings and walk away. But no, this crazy chiq just can't leave a stone unturned. My desire to prove something all the time will k*ll me, it will. I'm sure. This will be my downfall.

 

Well, I can actually do it if I wanted to. I just don't think I want to at this point. I'm itching to splice the flesh and whack the bone.

 

All I really wanted, M, was to be happy in this area. For someone who cannot be impressed and pleased, the bastard just overwhelmed me, and I thought like it was a leprechaun's clover hanging over my head. I had to grab it...

 

In a week's time, I'll be putting up one of the greatest performance in my life. Let's just see if I stick to the script. The seven days from tonight until then, I shall be preparing, like an actress for her debut. At least, this will not be a debut, I have done this several times over and always got a standing ovation. Applause, applause... curtains down. Encore!

 

Yes, in a week, I will give my final bow. Then I will be able to say I didn't run away from this one.

 

 

 

- C

[iwalkalone]

punyeta ka talaga...dapat sayo sa boystown..letse ka wala talagang pasko pasko sayo...parehas tayo..nakuuuuuh! nakakagigil ka talaga...put* ang angas mo bwisit ka!!!!

Edited December 24, 2006 by iwalkalone

[Barenaked-NoMre]

 

Merry Christmas to all ... esp. those who arent able to spend it the way they should:

 

* those away from their loved ones

* those who were in the path of the destructive typhoons

* those who suffered loss of property/lives due to fire

* those who give to others more ... rather than spend for themselves

 

I wish you will be blessed and provided for ... this Christmas and the CUM-ing year.

 

Edited December 24, 2006 by barenaked

[iwalkalone]

yes...i survived that friggin christmas eve...hehehe...umaga nanamaaaan!!!!....syet....may new year's eve pa....bad trip.

[denimhead]

best xmas day ever ... food, booze and weed .... screw the gifts

[iwalkalone]

thinking about the times you didn't tell me the things you do behind my back...not that you are obliged...infact you said you didn't think there was any need to tell me....

i was hurt and i tried to end whatever it is between us...but you wouldn't let me...could've been the best time to leave then...

so...things went on...the way they were...we even became more intimate ... i guess...atleast that how it looked to me.....but only when we're together...which is noooooot so often. It's been quite a long time already...and i still don't know what i am to you... well i know... in a negative kind of way....actually i'm kinda sure... but i needed to hear it from you...

what's keeping you from telling me the truth?...do you really think that if i knew it...i'd walk right out from you? and if i did...what's it to you?...why do you still want to keep me when you can have as many women as you want....better ones...why stick it up with me...why when you know that i've already fallen for you?

we've been friends...friends with benefits... and i'm not that dumb to see...that until now...for you...that's all we are...i think that's all we'll ever gonna be.....i know...i can see right through you....and I'm not bitter...really

though sometimes i wish these things i know are'nt true...but they are...so crystal clear....

i hope you find the courage to tell me...as soon as possible...

and yes...you need to really SAY it in my face...through SMS is OK too.

I believe I've conditioned myself well enough so you won't have to worry about any hysterical or violent reactions from me....pwamis. :hypocritesmiley:

Edited December 25, 2006 by iwalkalone