Crassus

Are you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think what I think I'm thinking then we've got a problem?

Learn from your parents' mistakes, use birth control!

A little bird was flying in winter. The bird froze and fell to the ground. A cow came by and dropped some dung on it. The bird realized how warm it was and began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and dug him out and ate him. The Moral of the story is... 1. Not everyone who drops sh*t on you is your enemy... 2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend... 3. When you're in deep sh*t, keep your mouth shut!

To the woman who I willnot name, as per request, thank you sa lahat ng iyong juices. hehe

Bullshit: the art of making the idiotic sound sensible. Angry people need hugs (or sharp objects).

The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*

Ampalaya - Minsan Gulay, Minsan Ikaw

TEXTPECTATION - (Noun) the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to a text.

DOPPELBANGER - (Noun) a person who has sexual intercourse with someone that looks identical to them but is not related.

MASTURDATING - (noun) going out alone to a movie or restaurant.

DUDEVORCE - (n) When two bros officially end their friendship.

CELLFISH - (noun) an individual who continues talking on their phone so as to be rude or inconsiderate of other people.

Love your enemies.. it pisses them off.

A paper should be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Hyberdating = (verb) when a person ignores their friends, in favor of their Boyfriend/Girlfriend.

You were looking good from afar.. now you're far from looking good.

If you plugged your nose and your mouth while you sneezed, would it come out of your ears or would your head explode?

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Sa amin sa Calaca, Batangas nabalitaang may aswang sa isang baryo. Dahil hindi alam ang gagawin ng iba, tumawag sila sa pulisya para ipadampot ang taong sinsabing aswang daw. Dahil medyo gumagabi pinayohan ng pulis na bukas na lang ng umaga nila pupuntahan. Ng dumating ang umuga tumungo ang pulis sa bahay ng kapitan para mag pasama at ng madampot na nga ang taong aswang. Sumama si kapitan at ilang kalalakihan patungo sa bahay ng aswang. Binati sila ng matandang babae na nasa bahay at tinatano...

The only problem in this world is it lacks Rationality and Logic

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The funniest thing about this message is that by the time you realize it doesn't say anything you its too late for you to stop reading it you dumb f#&k

REALTALK: Hindi lahat ng dadating sa buhay mo eh mananatili syo. Ang iba ay dadaan lang para mag-iwan ng aral. Aral na matututunan sa oras ng kanilang paglisan. At ang iba naman ay dumaan lang para kantutin ka. Lesson: natutunan mo parin ang ibang style....