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i wish i was good with words. So that i could regale you with the mundane occurrences of my silly life. We could talk endlessly beyond my five-word sentences that mostly consist of smart-alecky remarks. i wish I could muster the appropriate words whenever the conversation takes on a not so wholesome turn. So that I could convey the deep passion i feel, speak the words to describe the unspeakable things I would do to pleasure you. Sadly I am not good with words. If I was, I could easily describe the beautiful sky i see each morning , with the llovely moon waning on one side and the majestic sun just starting creep into the day on the other.. i really want to tell the unexplainable explosion of colors that meld into each other in the morning sky that no camera phone photograph woould ever give justice to. I content myself with my feeble words and false hopes you would take notice. I am consoled that despite not seeing all this, i know you are a part of it still

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"Everything was beautiful

Everything was right

But you could not discern the source

Of this pure delight

 

Where all your wildest dreams are tame

All your fiction, true

But you have less control of it

Than it has you

 

It's a place you cannot live

In a city w/ no name

You can have what you bring in

But it always ends the same

 

Everyone was beautiful

All the lights were bright

The one you wanted most of all

Was yours w/o a fight

 

The movement was so effortless

The poetry inspired

But she was yours without a word

It is you that she desired

 

Everything soon disappeared

One thing left to do

The consummation of a dream

Finally coming true

 

Her mouth, the only thing that's real

The reason you're alive

Your body paralyzed w/ fear

A kiss before you die.."

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Ang huling alaala ko sa kanya ay nang isoli nya lahat ng cards, drawing at love letters na binigay ko. Lumuluha siya habang sinasabi na sinungaling daw ako.

Hindi. Totoo ang lahat ng sinabi at sinulat ko noong panahon na binigkas at inabot ko sayo. Lame ang sagot ko, alam ko.

Tinuruan ko daw siya paano ma-in love, turuan ko daw siya paano baliktarin yun. Sampung taon ang bata nya sa akin. Maaring ako nga ang nag-introduce sa kanya sa mga kamunduhan.

Ayaw sa akin ng magulang niya, ng ate nya at ng bunso nila. Ang kuya lang niya ang ok sa akin. Slow kasi at madali malasing.

 

Ang totoo pinsan ko ang crush nya. Mas gwapo, mas matangkad at mas magaling mag-basketball. Pero parang ang gusto ay siya ang ligawan. Ako naman ay pasensiyoso na noon pa.

At hindi madaling mag-give up. Sa edad niyang disi-otso at katawang pamatay kahit na nga hindi drop dead pretty, very desirable siya. At matiyaga ako pag gusto ko talaga ang isang bagay.

 

Mahigit nang 28 years ang nakakaraan nang lisanin ko siya at ang lugar ng nakaraan namin. Sumasagi siya sa isipan ko tuwing nagkakape ako sa umaga at nag-iisip ng kabulastugan, mga pangyayari na pinanghihinayangan

at mga bagay na 'paano kaya kung naging ganun'. Sa dalang ng dalaw ko sa lugar nila, ni minsan ay di ko siya nasilayan, na hindi ko naman talaga gusto. Pero nababalitaan ko naman ang buhay buhay niya. Tatlo ang naging anak at ofw ang asawa.

Medyo tumaba daw at may itsura pa din. Tukso ng ate ko, nagbibibihis at naka-make up madalas daw, na di naman niya ginagawa, simula ng malaman na pumupunta ako doon.

 

Kahapon, may nag text sa akin. Namatay daw siya. Di na nagising at naputukan ng ugat sa ulo dahil sa high blood.

Isang hugot na malalim at buntong hininga lang ang nakayanan kong tugon.

 

Habang buhay siyang magiging parte ng kape ko sa umaga. Sa hapon. At sa gabi.

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In 20 days, I will finally see you. Your pictures which I came to see yesterday gave me excitement. I must admit, I truly liked what I saw.. I will make sure to be at mybest when we meet. I know you can be soooo hot but please, be gentle me. :)

Edited by *Jessie*
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