Political Jokes

[daphne loves derby]

[jopoc]

 

 

trolled! hahaha

[bughaw1]

OK roughly

 

Sugod na! Ako na magbabasa, ako pa sasagot? Sige lang

 

Sir How to be you po?

-Ah maging natural ka lang, walang kaartehan, hindi plastic, magpakatotoo ka lang and you will be me!

 

Kung ang pack lunch kinain sa gabi, pack lunch pa din ba tawag

-pack dinner na

 

Kelan ka po sir unang nagpakalbo?

-Di ko na maalala, dati numinipis na buhok ko, pero may tumutubo pa din. Major pa ako siguro nun, nung maging general na ako, laging clean shave na. Every week na ako nagpapakalbo.

 

Sir ano po pinagkapareho nyo kay VIn Diesel at Jason Statham? Bakit kayo sikat?

-Ah itong ulo, ito tinatawag na pambasang ulo, di lang panghollywood

 

May discount ka ba pag bumili ka Mr. Clean

- Naku wala eh, tsaka hindi naman ako gumagamit ng barretta poweder ginagamit ko

 

Magkano po Mr. Clean

-Pabalik balik ang Mr. Clean na yan! Sige pag nadaan ako sa grocery o tindahan tatanong ko.

 

Sir, meron po bang rehab para sa mga adik sa pagibig

- Naku walang intervention dyan, mahirap dyan. Ang baha pwede mapigilan, pero ang pagibig hindi

 

Pano pipigilan ang pagibig

-Tulad ng sabi ko, ang bahay pwede mapigilan pero ang pagibig hindi. Kung itatago mo yan magkakasakit ka sa kasim kasim (di ko alam translation nito), kaya ibuga mo na lang yan, kung pwede iutot pa.

 

Sir nung bata ka pa, ilang babae pinaasa mo

-Abaaaa gwapo ko naman. Noon totoong mas gwapo ako, pero wala ako pinaasa sa kanila. Pag wala naman silang pagasa, di ko sila papangakuan

 

Sir Nakaengkwentro ka na ba ng aswang?

-Sorry medyo di ko nakuha ito. Like I said, bicolano po tayo, yun totoong bisaya mas alam ito

 

Sir Anong rare pokemon na nakuha mo?

-mataas na daw level nya, me ilan na na nakuha

 

Sir gaano kahaba nooon buhok mo?

-Ah hangang balikat, kasi nung highschool usong uso yung staying alive ni John Travolta

 

Sir pag nakita mo si Darna at sabihin Ding ang Bato..... sorry di ko na alam iba

-Masyado akong malaki di nya ako malulunok, pero ako baka malunok ko sya

 

Sir. Bakit po blackboard tawag sa blackboard kung green naman

-Nung bata ako black talaga yun. Me linya pa para maaalign sinusulat mo

 

Sir wala po akong tanong, pero gusto ko sabihin na crush ka ni mama

-Ahhhhh hello sa iyong mama

 

lol

Sir it's not kasim kasim. It's kasing kasing which in Tagalog is puso.

[haroots2]

https://www.facebook.com/799598826794732/videos/1069233606497918/

[daphne loves derby]

[jopoc]

 

speaks well of duterte and his loyal flock

[THE DESTROYER]

[THE DESTROYER]

[Julianda]

Disclaimer to the mod/s:

This photo does not contain any sense of:

bestiality

rape

incest

drug use

pedophilia

gore (Morgue photos, Accident Photos, Decapitation etc.)

 

 

[Julianda]

...but contains a BIG FISH!

 

[Kapote]

Nakakabwisit!!!! Sumuporta ako ky du30 sa laban nya sa illegal drugs... Pero nung nakita ko ang pangyayari. Grabe naman mga hayop!!! Pinasok ng mga pulis bahay namin.. Binaligtad pa sala set ??? Nung pumasok sila ng kwarto nagtanong ako sa isang pulis, " ano po yung hinahanap nyo sir? May search warrant ba kayo...? Illegal yang ginagawa nyo ah.. Papasok kayo ng bahay na walang maipakitang warrant" sinagot ba naman ako ng ****! Sabi. "ilabas nyo na kase..alam namin may nakatago dito" ano ba ilalabas namin? Di nga namin alam kung ano ang hinahanap.. Hayop talaga!!!??? Sinabi ko nalang sa kasamahan ko sa bahay. Hayaan nyo sila maghanap. Tatawagan natin si tito..at pormal na magsasampa tayo ng reklamo.. Habang hawak hawak ng isang pulis yung cellphone. At narinig ko ang sabi.. "itigil ang paghahanap, maling bahay pala napasok natin. Nasa kabilang bahay. Kaya pala walang pokemon..".

Ang mga lintik!!! Pokemon pala hinahanap hahaha ???

Napaka uso na talaga pokemon ngayon...

[daphne loves derby]

NAKAKATAWA YUNG NO. 8!!!

 

[daphne loves derby]

[jopoc]

[daphne loves derby]

THE INTERPRETERS

 

Sound Bites
“I have explained to [Duterte] about Mary Jane’s situation and I told him that Mary Jane [has been found guilty] for carrying 2.6 kilograms of heroin. I also told him about the delay in the execution during the meeting. President Duterte then said, ‘Please go ahead if you want to execute her.’”
~Indonesian President Jokowi Widodo

INDONESIAN President Jokowi Widodo said President Duterte had given him the go signal to execute Mary Jane Veloso, a Filipina drug convict. Yasay, Piñol, Dureza, and Abella have already denied the report that first came out in the Jakarta Post. I suggest that Filipinos withhold judgment until the OTHER interpreters – Andanar, Cualoping, Panelo, Cayetano, Calida and Mocha have issued their own statements.

DFA Secretary Perfecto Yasay Jr. said President Duterte actually told Indonesian President Widodo he “respects their judicial processes.” The conversation turned awkward when Widodo allegedly replied, “Respect your own judicial processes too.”

Secretary Yasay described the headline of The Jakarta Post as “erroneous.” The Jakarta Post described Yasay’s reaction as “templated.”

In yet another version, presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella quoted the President as telling Widodo, “Follow your own laws.” To which, Widodo reportedly answered, “What do you know about following laws?”

President Duterte of the Philippines has given the Indonesian government the go signal to execute Mary Jane Veloso according to The Jakarta Post. Just so you know, The Jakarta Post is the largest English-language ‘bias,’ ‘yellow’ newspaper in Indonesia

Latest Development
Adam Harvey, a Jakarta-based journalist reported Tuesday the latest on the Maryjane Veloso issue. Harvey said “Jokowi is not backing down over his account of Duterte’s controversial statements.” That means it’s Jokowi’s word against Duterte’s, and Piñol’s and Abella’s and Dureza’s and Yasay’s.

Snubbed
Last week in Laos, presidential adviser Jesus Dureza said President Duterte “was not feeling well” so he skipped the Obama-Asean leaders meeting. But just the other day, Duterte revealed he actually skipped the meeting “purposely” because “I do not like the Americans.” The revelation made Duterte look like a ‘principled leader’ and Dureza, a ‘stupid liar.’

Out, Now!
On Monday, President Duterte called for the withdrawal of American troops in Mindanao. His exact words were: “The special forces, they have to go.” The announcement came as a shock to American soldiers, Washington DC, and Pia Wurtzbach.

Out, Now! II
On Monday, President Duterte said, “The US special forces, they have to go!”
The next day:
DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay: Duterte made the statement in the CONTEXT of wanting to SAVE Americans.

Defense Sec. Delfin Lorenzana: The President said it is up to the US to pull out for their safety.

Presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella: He is not telling US troops to leave. It’s just a warning.

The statements prompted President Obama to send the three officials a thank you note saying, “I appreciate your efforts, sanitary engineers!”

Change
Last month, President Duterte told the media he wanted to change the name of Malacañang. Rumors say he has decided on a new name. Inspired by his spokesmen and interpreters, Malacañang will be known soon as “Babel Palace.”

Revisionism I
The government-run website, Official Gazette drew flak for editing and “sanitizing” an entry about the late dictator, Ferdinand Marcos. Some news reports say the revision may have been done by a certain Marcos Angelo Cabrera, who used to work for Bongbong Marcos but now writes for the Official Gazette. Netizens had reason to believe that the culprit was Cabrera because the edited Marcos entry ended with the hashtags #LaylayanYourFace #WinADateWithSandro and #MartialLawNeverHappened.

Revisionism II
Solicitor General Jose Calida says Filipinos who oppose the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani are “bitter” who “cannot forgive.” Apart from being the solicitor general, Calida is also a contributor at the Official Gazette.

Plot
President Duterte says LP members are to plotting to oust him. The accusation was clearly a joke since there’s hardly any LP members left.

Miss Universe 2017
As we all know, the Miss Universe pageant will be held in Manila in January 2017. Malacañang is reportedly offering our candidate, Maxine Medina the services of its interpreters. She politely declined.

‘Train To Busan’
An unknown virus ‘infects’ people causing aggressive and violent behavior. Those who are ‘infected’ attack others even without provocation. But enough about rabid Duterte supporters. Let’s talk about the movie, ‘Train To Busan.’ It’s a thrilling zombie apocalypse flick. May puso. Go watch it.
———————————————————————————————————————————————————–
“With great power often comes great confusion.”
~ Dan Allen, Seam in Action

Elsewhere
The New York Times: How Countries Like the Philippines Fall Into Vigilante Violence
“Once violence becomes an acceptable means for settling disputes and exerting power, it is difficult for people to trust any other system. State officials have little standing to demand that people follow the rule of law when the state itself has been encouraging lawless violence.”

Sound Bites
“Quite frankly, I have not heard that statement, and I would like to understand in what context did the President say that also. But I will insist and tell you the truth that the reason he was not able to attend these two meetings was because he was not feeling well.”
~DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr., 9.13.2016 – despite the President’s statement that he skipped the US-Asean meeting “on purpose”

‘Tang ina. Ang daming nagsasalita. Umayos nga kayo.

Edited September 14, 2016 by daphne loves derby