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Writings of the Heart


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Now that I think about it, as I'm nearing 25, how I wish that I did whatever the f#&k I wanted that's within the boundaries of reason when I was younger. Who knows how different could I have been from what I am now. I could've joined more sports activities in spite of ny small frame. I could've punched everybody who f#&ked with me without fearing the repercussions. I could've spoken my feelings more without fearing what others may say. I could've been a more confident, outgoing person, with lots of opportunities for work and friends. Instead, I have become this introverted, woman-hating, people-hating person who couldn't speak or express himself to save his life. I have become this "nice guy" who everyone supposedly "likes" but nobody loves. All because I wanted to be in the safe zone. Because I didn't want my teachers to scold me or be called into the principal's office. Because I was afraid of speaking my mind and getting laughed upon. Because I was afraid of getting scolded at home for "mischief". Because I was afraid of getting rejected by my crushes.

 

Now, whenever I see some classmates who couldn't measure up to me when it comes to grades back then are earning more than me now, I feel intense envy. When those who often ask me to do their English homework for them are now speaking better English than me, I feel hate for myself. When those who looked worse than me back then are now landing hot chicks left and right because of their confidence, I feel disgusted with myself. People say I have the assets but I don't know if they're just bullshitting me. I thought everything's gonna get better as I age, but it hasn't completely happened.

 

So damn right I am full of regrets. Regrets for not doing something I wanted, because I just to be safe. Regrets for being too nice instead of fighting back. Regrets for not being a more talkative person. I should've explored more instead of just concentrating on my academics and grades. As what I've heard before, "in real life, your grades are not important, but the experiences you gained". I wish I heard of it when I was younger.

 

I wish.

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For you I was a flame

Love is a losing game

Five story fire as you came

Love is a losing game


One I wish I never played

Oh what a mess we made

And now the final frame

Love is a losing game


Played out by the band

Love is a losing hand

More than I could stand

Love is a losing hand


Self professed... profound

Till the chips were down

...know you're a gambling man

Love is a losing hand


Though I battle blind

Love is a fate resigned

Memories mar my mind

Love is a fate resigned


Over futile odds

And laughed at by the gods

And now the final frame

Love is a losing game


-Amy Winehouse

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