Shiro

a lot of great advice on this thread...

but i guess it all really boils down to discipline, persistence, and patience.

ah well. i think i got enough.

Why do you do this to me?

Why when I've finally decided to move on?

Why can you just move on and then change your mind?

I really did not want to know what I know now...

It makes it all my fault again.

This is not all my fault.

Why can't you get over your stupid mind games

and be honest with me for once?

Why do you insist on claiming that space in my heart

I've decided to give to someone else?

Damn you...

Why...

Well it's done...

And I guess I do understand your answer....

I have nothing to offer in terms of commitment, because there are still existing commitments in my life I have to undo...

But I really hope you give this... you give me... a chance.

J:

Here I go... I've never done this with anyone before... at least not for someone I don't really know that well...

Maybe it's because of circumstance, but I've never really had to work that hard to meet people before...

But remembering they way I felt in the brief time we spent together last week... stirs something in my gut that tells me that I have to get to know you better, I have to find out if something can come out of this attraction I have for you...

I've only known you for five days...

But I'm going to ask you out...

NOW.

i am at a very interesting juncture...

i am feeling things i never thought i would feel again, taking pleasure in the simplest moments... feeling happy... something whic i thought i would never feel again...

seeing your face, your smile, your cute dimples, the sparkle in your beautiful brown eyes... hearing your voice... your laugh...

i am intoxicated by everything that is you...

i still remember the feel of your arm the other day when i gently held it as i convinced you to come ride with me to the MRT... and the feel of your hand as you left the car.

i am sitting at my computer right now, writing this... a grinning idiot.

J, i am... smitten.

the one thing that is so difficult about being free again... is knowing what to do with yourself.

Well... I'm moving on.

So why the hell do you still keep bothering me?

lying biatchez!!!

you lying biatch!

just stop the deception already. I know you're screwing me ex-office friend/ex-mentor/ex-supervisor. it just makes you look so stupid trying to carry on as if there's nothing going on.

the whole f*ing world knows that you guys are getting something on. why must you persist in "keeping me out of the loop" when I always was in it?

the two of you are deluding yourselves if you think you're fooling anyone by what you do.

so go to hell already, will ya?

I just remembered that last time you ever said anything right...

I was asking you what was going to happen to us, to me, when we split up...

You said, "you'll be alright. you have your friends."

You know what. I do.

And I am alright.

No thanks to you.

2 hotdogs and a cup of black coffee... while rushing out the door.

I'm through, I'm tired.... yet you persist with your thinly-veiled deception...

Or is it perhaps what you use to justify this perversion.

Well live in your psychotic fantasy.

I'm leaving you behind.

I'm hurt,

But I'm free.

Good riddance.

3 hotdogs, a sliver of cheese, and black coffee...

There you go again... blaming your inadequacies and your inability to deal with life by placing the blame on your favourite scapegoat... me.

Well it's not going to work this time. I refuse to take the blame for anything this immature, ill-considered, and utterly selfish tantrum of yours, our break-up, results in. You started this, you deal with it.

Deal with my near total lack of feelings for you. Deal with the fact that I will rub my right to access to our daughter in your face forever. Deal with the fact that the entire reasoning behind all this is because you are a spoiled child who didn't get what she wanted from me. Deal with it all. And be responsible for it all.

Because I will no longer be responsible for all your screw-ups. I realized I never was. Because despite wgat i may have caused you to do, it was still your decision to do. You've lived your life in mock deference to the will of others to acquit yourself of your responsibilities... find someone else to play your scapegoat now honey. I'm through.

And one last thing... deal with it when I finally find someone I can truly love.

L,

I know you don't really appreciate getting things from me anymore, among all of the other things about me you don't appreciate. But I just wanted to share this one thing with you, because I know that upon reading these words, you will finally smile your last smile for me.

I saw you today, and for some reason, I could no longer find it within my heart to love you. In the few seconds that we spoke my mind was racing to find in my heart the feelings that have kept me by your side these past five years... I couldn't find them. The memories of our first meeting, the many joys that we shared, these returned to me as I turned to walk away... but when I looked back at you again, all I could see was hurt and emptiness... no longer the love that made me the happiest man for all this time.

We had good times, dear L. We raised our hearts to unimaginable heights, we explored our souls, discovered our bodies in all so many ways: The touch of your fingers on my naked body, the softness of your skin, the accelerated beat of your heart, the wetness and tenderness of your lips, the sweet smell of your pillow in the morning. How can I forget that? How can I possibly, ever forget that?

I won't.

You no longer have to hide anything from me, because I realize now that you deserve your own happiness. Deny it all you want, but be he your boyfriend, lover, or just a very good friend, RN occupies a special place in your heart. Go on and find what you want to find with him. Because you have to find some reason to smile every day too.

You're so young, my dear L, you're so very young. As for me, I'm running a race that I can't ever hope to run to your satisfaction. No matter how hard, I try, how fast I change, how much I transform to someone that may possibly pass your impossibly high standards. it will never be enough for you. I can never catch up to your youth. I can not cope with this difference anymore. In hindsight, maybe I never could, even in the moments when I loved you the most, for I always knew that such love could not live forever because forever was too short.

I'm shivering like a child as I write these words to you, like the child you made me feel like for all so many moments.

I just hope that going forward, you can find it within yourself to treat me with the respect you treat other people. And maybe someday, we could even consider each other as friends.

Thank you so much for coming into my life, and making these last five years the happiest I have ever lived. But you have moved on and so must I. From this point forward, the only thing we will have in common is our responsibility to our daughter.

Please make sure, that no matter how low you think of me, you never forget that I am her father, and she and I deserve a chance to foster our relationship. I beseech you never to let any other man intrude on this. Keep the men of your life away from our daughter and from your home with her. This is my last and only request.

I wish you the best.

But I have to move on.

Enough.

Enough already.

kendo

iaido

muay thai

boxing

scuba

I saw you this morning....

And did not love you anymore.

Ouch.

I think that's how it goes chill... you have to get a church annulment as well...

I don't remember his first name anymore, but Fr. Dacanay in Ateneo is a canon lawyer and handles Church annulment cases.

If you wanna start over and get married in both cases, ya gotta do both types of annulment.

i'm so tired...

so hurt...

for so long.

i want this all to end

i want this love

to wither and die

i want to stop hurting

i have to let you go

but i can't.

Apparently, I can no longer make mistakes

Apparently, there is no one important in your life except yourself.

Apparently, you are a spoiled brat who does not know how to listen.

Apparently, you say you do not love me.

Apparently, you've been playing the world for a fool.

Apparently, you thought we'd never notice.

Apparently, not.

Goodbye.

Grow up.

I'm tired

I'm hurt

And betrayed.

corned beef and black coffee...

There are no words that can describe my wrath...

I have discovered proof of your infidelity... and although it seems to me that this is an issue that has past, the fact remains, it was my friend, that bastard, the one who i welcomed as my own brother was the one who would stab me in the back...

I do not know how to take this news... i am currently seething with anger right now.

This is not the last of this.

i am confused...

now that you seem to no longer be hostile with me...

i don't know now how you feel... i know that the chance of ever getting back together with you is probably close to nil right now, but the fact that from time to time, you let me see your smile, you let me hold your hand, the times when you surreptitiously touch my arm... they set within me a tide of confusion.

i have to admit that i was more comfortable when I knew exactly how you felt... now i'm confused, hopeful, afraid...

i love you... but i guess now, i'll just be left guessing on whether or not you may be starting to love me again...

damn...

black... at first because of my diet... but now... it's for the taste of it... just pure coffee...