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Perry Ellis®

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    Writings of the Heart

    in Matters of the heart

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    I wrote this as part of a short story 6 years ago, based on a true story.

     

    I was at work that day unable to concentrate and focus on what I was doing when the receptionist informed me that there was someone in the lobby to see me.

    My heart sank into my stomach and I felt nauseas. Caia was sitting on the lounge and when she looked up, I knew then what was about to happen. I took her downstairs away from prying eyes before I allowed her to begin what she wanted to say. She looked at me through those amber colored glasses, tears welling up in her eyes, trying to force a smile in an attempt to hide her despair. She stood in front of me arms folded trying to find the words to begin. I noticed that she was dressed in black as if to mourn the impending death of our relationship. I felt helpless and too afraid to reach out to this fragile young woman in front of me. She started to speak and her tears fell almost simultaneously. My heart bled for her as freely as her tears tumbled. I stood hands in my pocket looking into her eyes and asked myself how I could have let this happened. I felt suffocated, my mind was forced into a world of darkness and I started to feel the pain of profound sadness. She continued to speak but I could no longer hear her. I was momentarily deafened by the words I never wanted to hear her say again. Our turbulent relationship is over.

     

    I tried to remain calm while I tried to find the words to let her know I understood, but I was too late. I had been consumed by my own emotions. The last shreds of composure had vanished when I realized that my tears had also fallen. I was torn between the thought of the injustice of letting her walk away without a fight and the position that she was in. The decision was hers and I loved her too much not to accept it. We would go our separate ways and I would not compromise this agreement by contacting her again.

     

    I wanted to hold her once more even if it’s for the last time. I wanted to feel the warmth that she has given unselfishly during the time we spent together even if it was for the last time. I held out my arms and she allowed me to embrace her, I kissed her and held her closer. Being so close I felt her warm tears on my face, I stepped back, opened my eyes and wiped her tears away. With no other words needed to be said we knew it was time to go. She held my hand and kissed it before turning around to walk away.

    She walked a few steps before turning around to give me a reassuring smile. It was a smile to let me know that she would be just fine. I stood there frozen in that spot trying to comprehend the enormity of what I am losing. Eventually she disappeared around the corner and took the passage out of my life. Something inside of me urged me to follow before it was too late. I walked towards her direction and as I came around the corner, what I saw broke my heart completely. I found her sitting on a bench, her face buried in her hands crying uncontrollably and totally oblivious to the people passing by. I wanted to rush over and comfort her, tell her that this was all just a bad dream, but instead I headed towards the office and into my now empty life, void of all emotions.

     

    I searched for someone to blame for the broken heart that I was left with but as time passes I have come to understand that our separation was just a part of life. My closest friends, who were there to witness my suffering, suggested that I should just get over it and move on. I refused to let my friends set a grieving period acceptable only to their standards. To an outsider looking in it may seem that I crossed the boundaries of common sense but I knew that this was about me and what I needed to do. The bond that Caia and I shared became something that I’m still slowly trying to break free from.

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