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The Mail Box


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for blake shelton:

 

My oh my, if you think I'm good-looking

Hold myself together like a pair of bookends

You don't know the rest of the story

Haven't seen the lines on my face in the morning.

 

I put whisky and lime in my iced tea,

Dance in the mirror to cheesy rock by Skiddy

Sometimes in my pyjamas

Other times just in my Havaianas.

 

My oh my, if you think I'm so clever,

Looking real smart in my corporate number.

You don't know I curl barefoot on the floor

When I've been wrong ten times or more.

 

Do you still wanna know?

Do you still wanna know?

Do you still wanna know?

 

Do I break things when I get mad?

No, baby, that's just in the movies.

I get on the car and drive real fast.

I dial home to listen to children's voices

My nephews talking baby and I acting fairy.

 

I am this when you're not around

When the lights are out and I'm all that I've got.

I read Og Mandino's self-help books

And listen to music, and yes, of David Cook.

 

My oh my, if you think I'm good-looking

I cry oceans without a sound, a typhoon in the making.

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J,

 

You're a sissy; you enjoy picking on those who are powerless to fight you. Yet you try to not get on my bad side. Are you scared of me

because you know I always hold my ground? You just made a big mistake today, a--hole, and I won't let that stupid thing you did slide.

Prepare for the day I see you because it will be ugly...for you.

 

Your worst nightmare,

Me

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Dude,

 

Why are you so emotionally needy? In the end, you are totally alone, the way you were born, the way you will die. All of us are. Face that and suck it up, you gnikcuf wimp. Maybe none of it is meant to mean anything, you know?

Edited by JHP
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Dearest C,

 

I don't know how you even do it. You may have them all fooled but at the end of the day, you are still the worse leech of them all. You make me sick. By the way, where were you last night? You didn't even bother to let me know that you left our door open? What a very responsible roomie. Guess what? I am throwing your skank ass out. I am sorry for you. Last night was the last straw. Don't even bother explaining.

 

By the way, did you shave your legs? So friggin shiny!

 

Your EX roommate,

L

 

P.S.

your boobs is not as distracting as you think. It's called silicon gels.

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