The Mail Box

[chiquezee]

C-

 

I have counted the days... I am relieved that the detoxification is well on its way. There will be the usual withdrawal symptoms but I think I am medicated enough to go through that without too much drama. It isn't cold turkey but it might as well not be. After all, the ultimate test of authentic breakthrough is the triumph over the struggle.

 

Things are going very well, thank you.

 

- C

[iwalkalone]

i get your message...like i always say i understand

[chiquezee]

Dear M,

 

Several years ago, I tried getting in touch with you. When I found out that you were finishing your degree at UP, I didn't hesitate to go out of my way to reconnect. And I was happy that you returned my correspondence. I remember how silly my letter then was, coursed through my sister, explaining my childishness of long forgotten past. As expected, being the older, more sensible one, you kidded me that most certainly, I cannot be as childish now as we were when we used to play agawan-base under the full moon.

 

Those were the days, indeed. You were very influential in my life back then. The pony-tails, the walking shorts, big tees, archie comics (haha!), Nancy Drew, and the girl talk I never could relate to, you being a budding teen, and I, a tomboy who loved to play skip rope.

 

All these memories are passing by me at the moment, perhaps because I feel the need to get in touch with somebody who knew me really well. You did. You treated me like you would a sister, the one you never had. I wasn't as complicated then as I am now.

 

You were there when I started my career as an athlete. Influenced by your karate-dos and judo lessons... You instigated in me the need for self-protection. We'd wrestle on your parents bed to prove your point, in between munches of m&m's and chiz curls. I wish you were here to tell me about protecting myself now.

 

You were there when I didn't want to wear the Mickey Mouse shirt my mother wanted me to wear to Nitz' Christmas Party. Parents sometimes have an awful taste in clothes, but you told me I still looked pretty, even with a cartoon character stupidly grinning from my shirt. I didn't even like the color... maroon... yuck. You were trying to convince me to go, red eyes and red nose, and all, from too much crying over a choice of shirt, and that yeah, I looked cool enough.... I wish you were here now to tell me what to wear on monday....

 

I recall how after that single correspondence, I failed to find you again. It is very difficult to search for you. I tried, really did. Went back to our old place by the hills, only to learn that indeed, your parents transformed it into a commercial spot, bulldozing the fond memeories of our growing up years. I went to the next street where you transferred after everybody decided to sell the land. You had, again, relocated. I tried looking for you in the states the first time I was there, and again every time I returned. Futile attempts. I attempted to look for you when I went to Vigan. Even when I was at the Balwarte. I couldn't find you.

 

By now, you must have gotten married. You were always beautiful, I wouldn't be surprised if you got for yourself a worthy man. Of course, I will remain taller than you, no matter how much Nutroplex you gulped down then, under the prodding of your equally dainty mom.... I wish by the time I get married, if I do, you will be there, and your kids, if you have any...

 

From time to time I try to search for your name in the newspapers, especially when there is something about landscapes and architecture.... I have no doubt that by your sheer talent and brilliance, you have gone international already.You did tell me during that single correspondence that you will do my lawn for me. You know how I love gardens....

 

This is a confusing moment for me, dear M, and I don't even understand why. I know you will, when we sit down over our favorite rocky road ice cream... that is perhaps the reason you have been crossing my mind lately. The need to get in touch with myself brings about the desire to get in touch with my best friend.

 

I really wish I can, by some stroke of favor, find you. Then I will be able to just be the uncomplicated C, sans the hardened scales I don to protect me from what I have gone through in life. I can be vulnerable with you. I can let down my guard. I can be simple minded, more human, without compromising who I have grown to be now.

 

I hope to find you, soon.

 

Sincerely,

C

[iwalkalone]

anak ka ng...wala na kong nakita kundi ikaw ah...baka gusto mong magpahinga?! ganitong paltos na paa ko at naaning ako sayo...puk* ka...araguy...sakit ng paa ko...ahu hu hu! potah! letse letse ka! sorry...kailangan kong mailabas tong asar ko...ikaw yata napapag initan ko....e pano lagi kang nasa harapan ko....sabagay okey ka naman...galing mo mag english..potah...hirap nyong intindihin mga puk* ng ...elitista kayo!

 

 

huuu hirap talaga maging bobo sa mundo!ay para sayo

 

tang* kahit mabait ka di kita papatawarin...!!!! galit ako sayo galit ako kase nagsisinungaling ka! i hate you! ayoko na ayoko na sayo ayoko na maniwala sayo! malaya ka na ngaun..mag fr ka hanggat gus2 mo. ( mag re-re-act naman ako hanggat trip ko! ).magpasalamat ka na...free ka na...pero tang* ano na ko? s@%t kailangan kong mag isip!...eto pinaka-hate ko eh...

Edited December 16, 2006 by iwalkalone

[chipmaker]

oi!

 

hinanap ko room mo kanina. mukhang tinanggal na. hindi ka na kasi madalas dito eh. baka tulad ng nangyari sa akin, ang akala ng iba, hindi na tayo kasali.

 

anyway, natutuwa akong may magandang trabaho ka na ngayon. so proud of you, really. sana magtuloy-tuloy na yan. flattered naman ako napagbigyan mo ako kanina. ang galing... nawala yung sipon tsaka lagnat ko. tama ka, baka nga naipong sperm lang toh. :boo:

 

ingat ka po lagi. next week uli ha.

 

lolo chip

[iwalkalone]

Why?

 

Why, do you always do this to me?

Why, couldn’t you just see through me?

How come, you act like this

Like you just don’t care at all

 

Do you expect me to believe I was the only one to fall?

I could feel I could feel you near me, even though you’re far away

I could feel I could feel you baby, why

 

It’s not supposed to feel this way

I need you, I need you

More and more each day

It’s not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me, are you and me still together?

Tell me, do you think we could last forever?

Tell me, why

 

Hey, listen to what we’re not saying

Let’s play, a different game than what we’re playing

Try, to look at me and really see my heart

 

Do you expect me to believe I’m gonna let us fall apart?

I could feel I could feel you near me, even when you’re far away

I could feel I could feel you baby, why

 

It’s not supposed to feel this way

I need you, I need you

More and more each day

It’s not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me, are you and me still together?

Tell me, you think we could last forever?

Tell me, why

 

So go and think about whatever you need to think about

Go ahead and dream about whatever you need to dream about

And come back to me when you know just how you feel, you feel

I could feel I could feel you near me, even though you’re far away

I could feel I could feel you baby, why

 

It’s not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you

More and more each day

It’s not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me

 

It’s not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you

More and more each day

It’s not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me, are you and me still together?

Tell me, do you think we could last forever?

Tell me, why

[White Lace]

The heat is not typical of the season. The season finds me alone. I am lost. I find myself unhinged and once more losing my footing. I had tried to get away from the temptation. I attempted to deny myself the guilty pleasure of being yours in minutes that were not really ours to waste away. The heat of the season will remind me of the afternoons we stole. Your kiss still burns on my skin. You are the cursed fever that I've been trying to shake off all these years.

[iwalkalone]

I really do love you......i 'm not sure how you'll take this but.........i feel like........i ...like.....i just can't.....i...f#&k! YOU REALLY ARE MY DEMISE! :cry:

[Wyld]

 

You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht

Your hat strategically dipped below one eye

Your scarf it was apricot

You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte

And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner

They'd be your partner, and....

 

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you

You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you

Don't you? Don't you?

 

You had me several years ago when I was still quite naive

Well you said that we made such a pretty pair

and that you would never leave

 

But you gave away the things you loved and one of them was me

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee, clouds in my coffee and....

 

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you.....

 

Well I hear you went up to Saratoga and your horse naturally won

Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia to see the total eclipse of the sun

Well, you're where you should be all of the time

And when you're not you're with

Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend

Wife of a close friend, and....

 

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you.....

 

Sometimes listening to old songs like this classic helps put a lot of things in its proper, life affirming perspective.

 

I guess in the end, whats I have learned is ... its not always about you. Its not always about me.

 

That way the world will be a much more peaceful world to live in.

 

Be happy. Im getting there myself.

 

[chipmaker]

wag mo itutok sa kin yan.

 

hindi ako ang kalaban.

 

[iwalkalone]

It's ok baby....it' ok really...i always knew i wus never good enuf for you....and i understand....really.

[chipmaker]

ano ba!?

 

sasagot ka ba o hindi?!

[chiquezee]

Your insults can be biting, even if you didn't intend the words to come out that way, or to mean that way. I didn't find it funny, though I think you were having a bit of a moment there.....

[chiquezee]

You have barely scratched the surface, dearie. Barely.

It would take too much pressure to etch a line on the boulder. I do not know if your temperament allows for patience.

Word of advise, even gold melt under severe heat. And when they do liquify, it when they are in their purest form.

[chiquezee]

B -

 

How do I begin to explain to you what is confusing even to myself? Is my doubt a product of mistrust or a misconceived perception on my part? Do I doubt you? Or do I not trust myslef? Is the question a matter of accepting sincerity, or a matter of fearing vulnerability? Perhaps, even a matter of insecurities unsettled...

 

Like I said, one day, all those unspoken meanings between lines will be taken for more, or less, than what they were intended for. When that time comes, at least one between us will be utterly frustrated, or severly upset.

 

You may be sincere. How would I know? Maybe I never will... but that's where the risk comes in.

 

Lethal, you said, when even I have given myself the modesty to regard myself only dangerous. I take it as a compliment. But words, like you say, are but words. Loosely stated, they can flatter, or they can insult. They can mean so much, or bluff about meanings that which are not there. Is there even a significance in the regard of this person as lethal? Perhaps, more than you know.

 

Perception often plays a pivotal role in the success of a communication process, such as this one. In this situation, however, discernment is a more necessary skill. And common sense, a greater ally.

 

As my narrations were never really intended to form a clear picture, I concede, yours are as vague. I have to confess delight for having found a worthy adversary.

 

There are actually very little from those which you said that draws doubt. It is, rather, my ability to accept them that is in question.

 

For the meantime, the conundrum continues -- for both sides, I must remain, if I may. For I shall have conceded in some areas, but the rest will still have to be contended, as two worthy opponents slug it out to come out as both victors of the battle.

 

By the way, the EC story and the apology was never in question. I have seen traces of defeat, even those that are carefully hidden. I know one when I see one. Haha... I had you there didn't I? Second apology on the record....

 

As for the others, an opportunity will come when I shall list them down and we can call on all the masters to disect them, if need be. Not now... I am too sleepy to think...

 

The shredded pork, valley of lights, soft snuggles and the scent of intense exchange are still very vivid...Let me rest with a smile on my lips for these may not be again...

 

- C