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The Mail Box


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J,

 

I love you. I'm sorry I screwed it up. But you need only send me a note and I will come running to you. But I guess you wouldn't. You thought you've been fooled, but no. I didn't mean to fall for you the third time. But I did.

 

I miss you. The texts you sent. The calls we made. The minutes we stole from official working hours just so we can chat via YM. The hours we spent awake when should be asleep just so we can be together albeit through the wires and cables. But these are all over now. How sad are you? How badly broken do you feel? I'm sorry I betrayed your feelings for me.

 

I miss you. I'm sorry I love you. I love you.

 

M

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to you --

 

why??? all this time and i still don't understand any of it.

 

i'm so tired. tired of being strong, of being the one that people lean on all the time, tired of being the problem solver, just tired. so f#&king tired. tired like you wouldn't believe.

 

of course, in my foolishness, i thought that you would be my rock, my ballast, my help in times of weakness. stupid to think that you could possibly be up to that task, stupid to even begin to think that you would be my partner, my equal, my strength and my hope. stupid, stupid, stupid to the nth degree.

 

and now here i am, beginning the cycle yet again, the seemingly endless cycle of meeting and falling and dreaming and getting up bruised and beaten from yet another man, another affair of the heart that crashed and burned almost before it got off the ground. is there no end to this?

 

one day, when you least expect it, i will be here, waiting for you, and things will finally be settled between us. maybe then you and i will finally find the peace and love that i still believe we truly deserve.

 

good luck to the both of us.

 

- m.

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Over My Head

Fray

 

I never knew

I never knew that everything was falling through

That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue

To turn and run when all I needed was the truth

But that's how it's got to be

It's coming down to nothing more than apathy

I'd rather run the other way than stay and see

The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

 

Everyone knows I'm in

Over my head

Over my head

With eight seconds left in overtime

She's on your mind

She's on your mind

 

Let's rearrange

I wish you were a stranger I could disengage

Say that we agree and then never change

Soften a bit until we all just get along

But that's disregard

Find another friend and you discard

As you lose the argument in a cable car

Hanging above as the canyon comes between

 

Everyone knows I'm in

Over my head

Over my head

With eight seconds left in overtime

She's on your mind

She's on your mind

 

Everyone knows I'm in

Over my head

Over my head

With eight seconds left in overtime

She's on your mind

She's on your mind

 

And suddenly I become a part of your past

I'm becoming the part that don't last

I'm losing you and its effortless

Without a sound we lose sight of the ground

In the throw around

Never thought that you wanted to bring it down

I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

 

Everyone knows I'm in

Over my head

Over my head

With eight seconds left in overtime

She's on your mind

She's on your mind

 

Everyone knows I'm in

Over my head

Over my head

With eight seconds left in overtime

She's on your mind

She's on your mind

 

 

...this is the last song syndrome that just wont stop.

 

argh.

Edited by Wyld
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para kay ***:

 

 

You Who Never Arrived

Rainer Maria Rilke

 

You who never arrived

in my arms, Beloved, who were lost

from the start,

I don't even know what songs

would please you. I have given up trying

to recognize you in the surging wave of the next

moment. All the immense

images in me-- the far-off, deeply-felt landscape,

cities, towers, and bridges, and unsuspected

turns in the path,

and those powerful lands that were once

pulsing with the life of the gods-

all rise within me to mean

you, who forever elude me.

 

You, Beloved, who are all

the gardens I have ever gazed at,

longing. An open window

in a country house--, and you almost

stepped out, pensive, to meet me.

Streets that I chanced upon,--

you had just walked down them and vanished.

And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors

were still dizzy with your presence and, startled,

gave back my too-sudden image. Who knows?

perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us

yesterday, seperate, in the evening...

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I'm this close to killing you. Seriously.

 

I cannot shake images of you on a dirt path, writhing in agony, blood seeping out of every orifice in your face, both your legs broken in several places, your ribs shattered.

 

I'll tape the key to your chest and bury you alive, and push that SUV right over your unmarked grave.

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dear mom,

 

i miss you. i hate sleeping in our room now because it feels like there's a rip in the space-time continuum whenever i look over at your bed. still, i know that you're happy now and you're in a place where there is no more sickness, no dialysis, no more medications and doctors forever piercing your skin with needles, needles, and more needles. it helps to remember these things whenever i get tired of pretending that i'm strong.

 

hey mom, don't forget what you promised me you would do for me, okay? i'm still waiting for that special person you said you would pick out for me. siguraduhin mong mabait, ha? ayaw ko ng laging may kaaway. :)

 

have the time of your life in heaven, mom, and say hi to lolo, lola, and the kiddies for me. save me a space at the table for when we meet again. :)

 

love you.

 

-- m.

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You said two heads are better than one,

But what’s the use of the other,

If it will only withhold the thinking?

As you walked before me to shield me from harm,

But it was you who hurt me instead.

When you gave me everyday your shoulders to cry on,

Where were they when I needed them in dire?

As you took me by the hand and watched me closely as we walked,

It was you who stumbled along the road.

When you build me up to be strong and stand up with every blow,

It was you who broke in the gentle brush of the wind.

As you told me to be tough to brave the storm,

It was you who corroded under the rain.

You said you love me and will be with me,

Forever…

 

But your actions are mute to how much you mean those words to me.

I thought only one’s passion sink in,

Leaving a mark in you being.

But then words can succumb even deeper.

Causing wounds not even time can heal…

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Y,

 

Was SO good that you were also in Makati yesterday.

 

Am glad you were a wonderful excuse for me to escape from that weird, crazy, married guy whom I bumped into on the bus home.

 

I just couldnt stand it ... enduring the entire ride with him.

 

Rather rude of him and icky ... to violate my private space, as well as offer a massage FREE OF CHARGE. Yuck!!!

 

Enjoy your new, interesting life ... GF! ;-)

 

A

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para sa iyo:

 

ginawaan kita ng isang mahabang tula, kaya lang nawalan ng kuryente at nabura lahat ng pinagpaguran ko, kaya ito na lang muna ang alay ko sa iyo. sana maintindihan mo.

 

-- m.

 

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

 

Kung Ibig Mo Akong Makilala

tula ni Ruth Elynia Mabanglo

 

Kung ibig mo akong makilala,

lampasan mo ang guhit ng mahugis na balat,

ang titig kong dagat --

yumayapos nang mahigpit sa bawat saglit

ng kahapon ko't bukas.

 

Kung ibig mo akong makilala,

sunduin mo ako sa himlayang dilim

at sa madlang pagsukol ng inunang hilahil,

ibangon ako at saka palayain.

 

Isang pag-ibig na lipos ng lingap,

tahanang malaya sa pangamba at sumbat

may suhay ng tuwa't ang kaluwalhatia'y

walang takda --

ialay mong lahat ito sa akin

kung mahal mo ako't ibig kilalanin.

 

Kung ibig mo akong kilalanin,

sisirin mo ako hanggang buto,

liparin mo ako hanggang utak,

umilanglang ka hanggang kaluluwa --

hubad ako roon: mula ulo hanggang paa.

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Ate N,

 

After getting mom's call the other day and hearing the pain/loneliness in her voice ... you've NO right to treat her that way.

 

She deserves better than that.

 

She's already with you ... to tend to your mess ... to cook, clean, do your laundry.

 

And you'd rather give more attention to that A-hole you STILL continue to see/work with?

 

If only I could wring your neck!

 

Even Ate R doesnt respect you anymore ... esp. with how you've turned out.

 

Anyway, your life ... just dont expect us to be included in it.

 

We honestly couldnt care less ... anymore

 

A

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