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Writings of the Heart


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To You Who Can’t Sleep At Night

 

 

I understand.

I understand how frustrating it is when you’re tired but he’s keeping you up because he doesn’t care. I understand how hard it is to fight these thoughts from infiltrating your mind. I understand how you keep looking at your phone thinking that tonight is the night when he finally says something, when he finally comes back or when he finally decided to give you the closure you need.

 

You can’t sleep when he’s not next to you and you can’t sleep when you think he’s sleeping next to someone else.

 

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry if things haven’t been going your way lately, if your life feels like a huge disappointment, if you feel like God hasn’t been answering your prayers. I’m sorry your fears haunt you every night when you try to forget about it all. I’m sorry you got used to being wide awake when everyone else is sleeping because you don’t know what tomorrow may bring and because tomorrow is starting to give you anxiety.

 

I’m sorry your nights are getting darker even when the lights are on.

 

You’re not alone.

You’re not the only one who’s losing sleep over a guy who doesn’t love you back or a guy who broke your heart. You’re not the only one who’s afraid of what tomorrow may bring and how you’re going to face it all by yourself. You’re not the only one who keeps fantasizing about scenarios that may never happen just so you could have something to hold on to and you’re not the only one who keeps making wishes when it’s 11:11 just in case God is listening.

 

You’re not the only one who looks up and wonder if God is listening, if he cares, hoping that he’s working on bringing you a wonderful surprise because you’ve been patient, because you’re tired and because you don’t remember what it feels like to sleep at night.

 

But one day you’ll sleep peacefully.

 

Soon.

Soon, you’ll sleep knowing that you’re not waiting anymore. Knowing that you’re strong enough to face another stormy day. Knowing that some things are just not meant for you, knowing that some questions will never be answered.

 

Soon, you’ll be able to sleep because you’ve been working hard all day so you can be happy, so you can make your dreams come true, so you can be a better person. Soon, you will realize that sleep is therapeutic and you will not let anyone take that right away from you.

 

Soon, your nights will not revolve around someone who broke your heart or something you can’t control.

 

Soon, you will rest your heard on the pillow and sleep because you’ve done your best, because you’ve tried, because you’ve prayed and because there’s only so much you can do and only so much you can endure.

 

Soon you will sleep because you will start believing in tomorrow again and you’ll want to wake up for it.

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"You know that romantic notion that all the garbage and the pain is really healing and beautiful and sort of poetic? It's not. It's just garbage and it's pain. You know what's better? Love. The day that you start thinking that love is overrated is the day that you're wrong. The only thing wrong with love and faith and belief is not having it."

 

- Haley James Scott, One Tree Hill S05E18, What comes after the blues

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I Don’t Need To Be Your Whole World, But I Want To Be Part Of It


It should go without saying but this is my promise to you, so long as you’re with me, your life will remain yours and yours alone.


I have never thought of true love as someone being there at your side every moment of every day, but being free, and encouraged, to pursue your own passions and to share in the spoils of your triumphs together. If you need to get away, then pack your things and go, send me a postcard, or don’t, it is entirely up to you. If you have to sacrifice some of our time together to acquire your dream job, then go on, good luck, we’ll work around it. You will always have my understanding and support.




I don’t feel a need to limit you to feel more secure or in control. And I will never be so pathetic as to perceive your successes as a threat to your commitment to me or our bond, but instead a manifestation of the powerful impact our love for one another has had on each of our lives. I believe what so many of us call compromise is more like consented confinement — a shared, illogical fear that if we don’t enforce a strict set of restrictions on each other we will inevitably lose one another to something more thrilling. That is not what I want for us. I will never ask you to sacrifice a thing in exchange for my heart. And if you ever feel the need to spread your wings, I will gently let you go.



My priority here is our happiness, that’s all. That we both lead vibrant, individually fulfilling lives and achieve and experience all we set out to. Petty possessiveness is a purposeless poison, and I will never allow it to sicken our love or the joys of life available to us. I promise to always respect your strength enough to know you don’t need me to wage your wars, but should you ever call on me, you can trust that I will be there. And I promise you will never have to plan in advance or bargain with me just to have a night out with your friends. Your friendships are as integral to the health of your spirit as our love and they will never be put second or made to feel like they are competing with me for the privilege of your company.



Let’s be independent together. Let’s approach our relationship from a place of what we can bring rather than what we can take. Let’s be near each other out of necessity not obligation. Let’s remain together not just because we made a commitment, but because we genuinely choose each other everyday.



Our being together is not the end of your story, it is only the beginning of its greatest installment. Our being together isn’t hanging up your hat, it is slipping on a party dress, shooting back a whole bottle of tequila, and heading out on the town to make mistakes and memories that last a lifetime. So go on and write your story. Be the daring, free-spirited, defiant, mischievous creature I first fell in love with. I don’t need to be your whole world, I just want to share mine with you.


Edited by Antman56
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