Icee_1

I'm tired; I'm confused; I'm hurting. But I move on in the hope that things will get better very soon. I've been through this before, so you would think that I wouldn't get affected anymore. Yet it would appear that nothing can really prepare me for the pain of a loss.

I hope and pray that things will get better soon. They have to do, because there is definitely nowhere for me to go but up. Everything seems so bad right now, yet there's nothing I can actually do to make it better, except perhaps to just accept things as they are and be contented about them.

Maybe someday soon I will be able to accept whatever I have to accept, to deal with the cards that fate has dealt me. Til then, I pray that I get through from day to day, without bungling anything up further.

I pray that tomorrow will be so much better than today and yesterday.

I miss you. Maybe what I did was wrong; maybe not. Who's to say? The only thing I know for sure is that I miss you terribly. It hurts so bad, yet I can't do anything to stop the pain.

I can't ask you back; I don't want to ask you back. Not yet, not until we've learned what we have to do to solve all the problems we've encountered these past few months. I don't want to have to go through what I've been through before; it hurts too much, and I don't think anyone deserves that.

Hopefully, by the time we learn what's wrong, learn what are the solutions to our problems, we could start anew. Maybe you'd still be free and I'd be too. Maybe... or maybe not.

Just remember that I love you, and what has happened is hurting me too.

MA, kumusta na? May pa-hot seat hot seat ka pa ha.

Anyway, questions ko para sa iyo:

(1) Love mo pa ba ako? Kasi ang hirap ng long distance relationship natin na ito ha. Ang tagal na kitang di nakikita?

(2) If so, may balak ka pa bang magpakita sa akin? Totoo na ba yung sa Wednesday?

Miss you and our kalokohan, sis. I've been an angel these past few months. Ha ha.

It's been quite some time since we last talked.

I wonder how you are, what you've been doing. I'm sure you're busy with a whole gamut of things. I'm sorry I haven't been as in touch as I was last year.

I've been working, nay, slaving at work. Ha ha. Or so I say. Work piled up previously, so my back is aching from the stress. I haven't had time for my usual massage, but I hope to find time soon. There are just too many things going on now so I can't take the usual 1.5 hour break from life.

I hope this December will be more relaxed than these past few years so I can do what I've been wanting to do. It's going to be different, this Christmas, but then, times are changing, and change is always something to look forward to.

I hope to see you and talk to you soon. Maybe this December, or whenever you have the time.

See you around.

If you love someone, you accept him or her, warts and all...

Whether he or she may have a different opinion...

Whether he or she may have a different lifestyle...

Whether he or she may have a different upbringing...

Whether he or she may have different values...

Whatever he or she may be...

And you love him or her, despite all of those, or maybe because of all of those.

Anything less is not love.

Been burned again, in trusting someone who I thought was a friend.

Why don't I ever learn? Why do I give that trust so freely to people who have not earned it yet? Am I naive or am I plain stupid in doing so?

Perhaps.

But just because one person betrayed my trust, does not mean, for me at least, that I should not trust other people. After all, how many friends have I trusted, only to be later betrayed by them? Of the many to whom I gave my trust, only a handful have betrayed me.

The odds are still in favor of trusting the people who come to me as friends.

Stupid? Perhaps. Maybe I will never learn.

Dear you,

I miss being with you. I miss talking with you. I miss having you around. Funny thing is life has to be this way, I guess. Life is getting to be boring though, totally boring.

M

Dear M,

It's been sooo long since we last saw each other; more than a year ago I think. I miss you terribly. I wish you were here, or that I was there with you guys.

So how's the cold weather? I never did get to experience weather as cold as you had gone through recently. Just my luck that when I was there, it wasn't snowing or anything. Oh well, maybe I could catch a flight over there some winter time and we could ski. He he. Or maybe not skiing, and just building snowmen.

I remember how we used to hang out together daily when I was there with you. I remember feeling so homesick, but because of you and your wonderful family, I made it through the year. Remember how I used to cry everyday when I first got there? Kakatawa talaga 'no?

Hay naku; it's just so hard to communicate my feelings through mail. But I really miss the times when we would all get together in the village when we were young; the times when we would hang out with our enormous barkada in the park, in your house, or in ours; the times when we went to HK to go shopping and just chill; the times when we would go out for coffee, shopping, good food, in your new hometown; the times when we would just hang out in Keats, checking out the bartender. Sometimes we would talk non-stop about anything or nothing in particular, yet when we get to our respective homes, we'd still talk on the phone til the wee hours of the morning. Funny, but we do have lots of good memories together, don't we?

Looks like I won't be able to visit you this year. Hopefully, next year I could get to visit you, with my babies in tow. If not, maybe you could visit me this year, with your family in tow.

I just wish our group could be together again, even just for a brief vacation. You think B would agree to travel one time, just us girls without the kids and hubbies. Baka magalit sa akin mga asawa niyo niyan eh.

Anyway, hope to see you soon. And do keep in touch.

Love,

M

Dear God,

I know I haven't been the good and obedient daughter that I should be. I haven't been one for the longest time. I am very sorry for having failed you time and again. I am sorry for the sorrow that I have brought You.

Yet in the darkest and most painful hours of my life, and in the happiest and most beautiful ones, You have been there for me. For this I thank You. Despite all my shortcomings and failures, You have lifted me up, dusted me off and set me on the path again and again.

I know I am naive and trusting. But this is only because I believe that people are innately good and wonderful human beings. I believe that if I relate with someone in good faith, that person will similarly relate with me in good faith. Isn't that how You taught me to relate to people? Isn't that what You expect? And although many people have advised me to be wary of people, I choose to believe that the person who I will be dealing with and relating to next is a reflection of You; that's why I choose to trust and believe in that person, whomsoever he or she may be.

I know I do not deserve most of the blessings that You have bestowed upon me and my family. I have done some bad things in my life, some things of which I am not proud. Yet the blessings do not stop coming. Although my life is not perfect, it has not been that bad either. I know I have it better than some people. And life continues to get better. This is because of Your blessings and Your love and care, and because of the people You have surrounded me with.

Thank You for my wonderful family. Although we haven't always seen eye to eye on lots of things, they have been with me through life's ups and downs. They have not lacked in telling me off whenever I do things that are not right, yet they have been supportive of me whenever, wherever.

Thank You for my loving parents. Although I have made them cry a lot, and it is only I who have made them cry this much, they have now accepted me for who I am and the decisions that I have made. I know they do not deserve the sadness I have brought into their lives with some of the decisions I have made, yet they have expressed that they will love me and support me no matter what.

Thank You for my beloved babies. Although I know I am not the best mom in the whole wide world, they have accepted me and loved me, despite my shortcomings, despite everything. I will try to be a better parent to them, no matter what it takes, for I wish and pray that at the end of my life, one thing I could be proud of is that I was the best mom I could ever be.

Thank You for my great friends. I could never, ever find friends better than the ones You have chosen to bestow upon me. Some of these people I have had early on; yet some I am just gathering now. These friends have accepted me for me, and are willing to see me through the rest of the travails I will go through. I will return their favor in kind, and will see them through the storms that their respective lives may bring.

Thank You for the men and women who have come into my life at one time or another, who I cannot consider friends. They have taught me lessons in life that are invaluable, and that I can use as building blocks for a future with the person You have set out for me. I may have regretted meeting or interacting with some of them, but the lessons I have learned from these meetings or interactions I should not regret nor forget.

Thank You for my life, for my loved ones, for the ones who love me, for the blessings, for the learning experiences, for the love and the care, for everything You have chosen me fit to come upon and to come into. I hope I do not fail You once again as I set my life to right this time around.

Your loving daughter,

M

Ikaw, oo, ikaw,

Pasulpot-sulpot ka sa buhay ko. Minsan nandiyan ka, minsan naman wala. Ano ba ang gusto mong mangyari? Ang labo mo eh. Medyo sumama na nga ang loob ko sa iyo. Pakiramdam ko kasi, nung nagsimula yung mabigat na problema, bigla kang nawala. Kaibigan ba talaga ang turing mo sa akin? Bakit hindi mo na lang ako kausapin nang diretsahan para magkaintindihan tayo?

Sa pagkakaintindi ko, magkaibigan tayo; sana naman yun, pinagkakasunduan natin. Pero paano tayo magiging magkaibigan nang lubos kung hindi tayo makakapag-usap ng maayos?

Alam mo bang marami nang nangyari sa buhay ko mula nung huli tayong nagkausap? Marami sana akong ikukwento sa iyo tungkol sa mga iyon, pero wala pa tayong oras mag-usap eh. Masyado tayong maraming pinagkakaabalahan ngayon eh. Magulo rin ang isip ko. Pero kahit ganun, kung gusto mong mag-usap, nandito ako para sa iyo. Ganun naman ako sa mga kaibigan ko eh.

Sana naman pag-isipan mo nang mabuti ang sinasabi ko sa iyo dito. Ang dami ko pa ngang nais sabihin sa iyo, pero mas mabuti sigurong sabihin ko na lang ito pag magkaharap na tayo. Sana magkaroon tayo ng pagkakataong masabi ko ang lahat ng ito sa iyo, at masabi mo rin ang mga pangyayari sa buhay mo sa akin.

Sige, hinintayin ko na lang ang susunod nating pag-uusap.

Paalam muna,

Ako

Ramblings and unanswered questions

It's winter once again in my heart. And the cold is creeping, enveloping, consuming me. The warmth I thought I felt before was a farce; the feelings I thought I had developed were just dreams. The happiness and the peace of mind that I thought I had are now just memories. And now, the harsh reality of my life I must face. Alone? Perhaps; but hopefully, not.

I realized that it's love I am obsessed with; and that I am not in love. Good? Maybe so, my friends and my family definitely think so. Yet, funny thing is, I still need someone to keep me warm, to hold me tight, and to stave off the loneliness that comes unbidden at night.

What do I do now, now that I feel I am incapable of love; now that my heart has been rent and torn to a million pieces, time and time again; now that persons who claim to love me have judged me as if they did not know who I am and what I am capable of? What do I do now, that the persons closest to me feel I should keep myself cloistered until everything has been undone? What do I do know that I find myself unable to even begin the process of undoing everything? Why do I rush, they ask; do you have someone new in your life? Truth be told, there is no one in my life right now; but, I don't think it would be wise to wait until then before I start to do something about my mistake.

They do not support me in my decision; they feel that I should grin and bear it and that we should pretend that everything is all right. But, although I love them immensely, I want to start loving myself too. I don't want to be miserable, and I know that grinning and bearing it will make me miserable, hardened, and cynical; it will make me a person I don't want to be. Yet they feel that since I have chosen wrongly, I should suffer the misery that comes with such wrong choice. But, have I not suffered enough? Should we not correct the mistake, since there is a possibility of doing so? Am I selfish in thinking about my happiness? Should I do what I feel would make me happy, or should I do what would make other people happy, and be contented with the happiness that I had given them?

Maybe my family and friends are all right; maybe I should not even entertain the notion of love, or of like, as the process has not yet even begun. Maybe I should not socialize, and should keep my head buried in the sand for the shame of what has happened. Maybe I should just keep myself locked up at home, and suffer the consequences of a wrong choice I made several years ago. Or maybe I should just up and go off to a foreign country, to search for myself, to start anew, to do all the things that they had dreamed for me, yet I have been unable to do because I made my wrong choice.

What do I do now? Where do I go? To whom do I run for succor and support?

I know I have my family and friends, who have seen me through the ups and downs of my life. Yet, I still long for someone special to hold my hand through this. I wish I had someone special who will protect me when the going gets tougher than it already is. I wish I had someone special who will be there for me and talk me to sleep when the pain is unbearable. I wish I had someone special who will bear my problems with me as we struggle through life together.

But that is all wishful thinking. I know now that I am alone, and that I will be alone for the long haul. That that someone special is a dream, and will remain a dream maybe until I am old and gray.

Since these problems have not killed me yet, then maybe they will be good for me, and will make me stronger and better. Maybe I will turn out to be a loving, generous, caring and warm individual of whom my loved ones will be proud. God willing, I will emerge from this a warrior who cannot be fazed by anything. God willing, I will emerge victorious. God willing...

Hey,

I can't understand you; you probably can't understand me. I don't know what you want; you probably don't know what I want either. At this point all I can tell you is I don't want to be involved in that game; I hope that was clear to you from the start. So, what now? I don't know. We would have to figure out what we want first and then talk about it; if we still would like to talk about it, that is. Until then, it would be best to step back.

Til our paths cross again.

M

Thank You for letting me start off the new year with a clean slate.

Thank You for letting me take a short, but most enjoyable vacation with the people I love, so that I may start the year refreshed.

Thank You for letting him come into my life just at the right time when I needed someone there and for the fun and enjoyment we share.

Thank You for never forsaking me, despite all that I have done and been through.

Thank You for my family, relatives and friends who have been there for me through the difficult times.

Thank You for the one who just left my life, for the beautiful times we shared.

Thank You for all the blessings, graces, trials and tribulations.

Fruits in Ice Cream (Strawberry flavored) is the best!

Plato Platina and Piccolo Italia both have good pizzas.

Plato Platina has a branch on Jupiter St.

Piccolo Italia is in Casa Susana, Alabang.

Complicated.

To you,

It's been too long since we have had a decent conversation. It's been too long since I felt close to you. We do not get to share things the way we used to do. We do not get to experience things the way we had before. I feel as if I've lost my best friend, the person I thought to be my soulmate. Yet I feel that I am powerless to do anything about it; I feel as if I am finally ready to accept the fact that we have drifted apart.

Is it wrong for me to give this all up? Is it wrong for me to let you go your way? Is it wrong for me to wish for something better, to want something more? I know that in your heart of hearts, these are also your considerations. But you have never verbalized these things... you have never opened up even just a little, and you just let me assume the worst.

Maybe, someday, our paths will cross again. Maybe, someday, we will both discover that we were meant to be. Maybe, someday, we will fall in love.

But someday is not now. And I don't want to put my life on hold until you come to realize things that I've realized a long time ago.

I guess I will always be here for you. I just hope that you will be there for me too.

M

I learned that some people can be just downright mean.

Dear P,

You have been my oasis in the desert, my solace, my source of strength. That is why I cannot turn my back on you at the time when you need me. I will be as you were to me, your oasis should you need one, your solace, and your source of strength.

Please try to understand me now, however, as your revelations came as such a shock to me. Please give me time to digest what I had just learned, and give me time to gather my thoughts.

I thank you for telling me everything as soon as you did, but I still am disappointed in the way you had handled things. I was open with you from the beginning, yet you chose to keep secrets from me. Secrets which would definitely affect our views and appreciation of things. Nevertheless, I thank you for revealing these to me sooner rather than later.

Just give me time, and I will get back to my old self, dear friend. I will once again be there for you. I just ask for time to get over my shock, to analyze my thoughts and feelings on the matter.

I trust that you will be willing to wait for me, while I undergo what I think is necessary for now. I don't think it will take very long, but should you be unwilling to wait, then there is nothing I can do.

I only ask that you take care of yourself, and deal with your issues as best as you can.

Always,

Icee

Pooh,

Things are starting to look up for me. Thanks for being there, and for being with me during my low times. Maybe I'm starting to be happy because I am starting to accept things, or maybe because I have a friend such as you.

Be patient with me, ok?

Always,

Icee

Molten chocolate cake from Chef Ed's. To die for.

I'm ok, but very hungry.

Friend,

Life is funny sometimes. When last we spoke, I recall having told you that things were over. It appears that apathy has gained ground in my heart. Yet today it seems that it is not yet over, so we hang on hoping that everything may work out and that things will get better.

But now, someone else has entered the picture, and he seems to have the characteristics I long for in a man. He is patient, charming, open-minded, gentle,

and sweet. He and I are hoping to become friends, if we are not that yet. I love spending time with him, because he is someone I can talk to. And you know that's what I really need right now - not a lover, but a friend. I think he understands that of me as well.

It's just so weird to be me right now, what with the conflicts in my mind. It is true, as you said, I think too much. Someone else has told me that too. But, is this not the way it is supposed to be? Is that not the reason why the head is above our heart - that we may think twice, thrice or a hundred times before we act on what our heart tells us.

So many of the things you told me about me and my life still hold true. Yet this is the best way I know to live my life, to balance my needs as well as those of the others around me.

Maybe as one of our friends told me, another man, one from this world, may win my heart; who knows? Til then, I will just live my life like this, and I will just cross the bridge when he and I get there.

I miss talking to you so much. Hope to hear from you soon.

Icee

Tired, but happy.

Hey M,

Thanks for being there for me.

I know I am not the best person to be with at times, but I hope you could be patient with me as I go through the motions of my life. You said you are a patient person, and that patience will probably be tested through and through as we get to know each other and become friends.

Thanks again.

Icee