ice_princess

let's put it this way...

WHO GAVE MEN THE RIGHT TO THINK THEY DESERVE SOMEONE PRETTY? LOL

i have always thought that the first heartbreak was the most difficult to get over with. i was wrong. each time we learn to trust someone, we give them a little something from ourselves that we can never take back. the first time i had my taste of a heartbreak, i was more than devastated. i vividly remember the feeling of poignant hopelesness and bitterness. waking up during the wee hours of the morning and crying with intense remorse and self hatred had become a loathesome perfunctory routine. the worst part is, i have to feign being happy and perky during the day. after awhile, i have learned to survive. i tried to make myself busy and i decided to work while studying. i was beyond exhausted. but nevetheless distracted. i also switched dormitories which helped. new faces, new friends, a new beginning, atleast that was what i was trying to do. it took me 2 years to finally make peace with an unpleasant past. from a crybaby i turned into a cynic, into a resigned distrustful realist. i have trully accepted the fact that not everyone has a clean slate.

my intense distrust serving as barrier, a formidable self defense, i have formed my resolve that i wont let anyone cause me that much misery and that i wont subject myself to that kind of pain anymore.

but then again, sometimes when u least expect it, a very unlikey person would let u take a glimpse of what you have always wanted. a tiny bud of hope would blossom into something that you know you should have had nipped at the very start but just couldnt. i began to dream. i began to hope. i began to believe in promises...promises that i have always wanted to hear. i conjured a remarkable albeit idealistic image of mutual respect, fidelity and something stable to hold on to.my dwindling faith in men was restored miraculously. i was deluded into thinking that there is indeed someone different out there. i was dead wrong. i should have had listened to the incessant warning bells going off irritatingly inside my head.i should have had known that something as utopian and inane as that notion is such a farfetched illusion. i should have had trusted my instincts. i should have had...i should have had....

at some point i even wanted that someone to be the last one. maybe he is the last one.i hope he is.

the first heartbreak was indeed unforgettable. the 2nd is worse.it's worse because whatever hope i had gradually dissolved into something distasteful. it hurted me more than i had expected.maybe because i know that it could have turned into something wonderful and pleasant and yet it transformed into a nightmare, the very thing i was trying my damnest to avoid. im one if those people who would always believe that things happen for a reason and that you would always learn something from each and every person you meet. atleast i have learned something. there is indeed no space for regrets.

we get hurt when we let people hurt us.

for all my craziness and my innate tendency to impulsively react without so much of a thought, i have always dreamed that someone would stay. some people would look for someone who is almost perfect. we seem to be looking for something extra than most people could offer us.we then fail to realize that no matter how seemingly perfect someone is, there is always a flaw and it is up to us whether to overlook that flaw in exchange of what the other person could offer. it's all about acceptance and contentment. happiness and security would be enough for me to stay. for some it would be a lot more. alot more...

sad thing is, when they go searching for that little extra something, they neglect to see that sometimes, the very thing they are looking for is right in front of them and that they let it pass because of this preposterous notion that they would be able to find a greener pasture, an imaginary one at that...the thought seriously broke my heart.

im blessed with this inherent ability to dig up optimism from a well that never seem to run dry.with that optimism comes the logic that would always keep me grounded and safe.i would get thru whatever difficulties i am having right now. that, im pretty much sure. i know that i would have to make gargantuan effort to trust again. and it would take alot more than mere sweet words to make my supposedly well guarded emotions turn into a chaotic ludicrous wreck.

never again...

a lesson well learned.

thank YOU